We’d laid in bed until almost eleven o’clock before I—regretfully—had to leave. After stopping by the pharmacy to pick up some more of my medication, I went home and started cooking. Kevin and Lindsay were coming over to my apartment to watch football, and I’d agreed to make my special wings for Kevin, as well as Lindsay’s favorite dip.
It seemed insane, but even after spending all day with Iris yesterday, I couldn’t wait to see her again. Not that I would have to wait long, because even though she knew nothing about football, she eagerly accepted my invitation to watch the games with us.
I hadn’t been this happy in a long time. Not because I’d been sad or angry. Truthfully, I hadn’t been much of anything. My mother and I had been in the same place up until recently, so content in our lives that we didn’t even notice things were missing.
It was strange, because one would think that nearly dying was what would have turned it all around for me. That might have been the case for my mother. I knew many had profound epiphanies after a near-death experience, they saw the light and realized how precious life was and how we had to make the most of every day… yada yada yada. But that wasn’t me. I was fairly certain I would have been an insufferable prick until the day I died, near-death accident or not.
It wasn’t the possibility of death that woke me up. It was her.
Her presence, her radiance and positivity, it existed outside of life and death, happy and sad; she was remarkable. And she didn’t even know it.
Now, Iris was sitting next to me on my couch, my arm around her shoulders, while Kevin and Lindsay sat on the recliner by the door—Lindsay on his lap. The halftime performance was on, but none of us were paying attention. As the wedding got closer it seemed all we did was talk about it. Even with almost everything picked out and done, somehow there was something to obsess over or some magazine she had to read. And now that Iris was here, someone who knew none of the details, Lindsay was more than happy to share.
I was zoning out, the conversation about color scheme not holding a bit of my attention, when Lindsay asked Iris a question.
“You’re coming to the wedding, right?” She was practically bouncing on Kevin’s lap with excitement.
My eyes jumped to Iris’s as a slight panic moved through me. “I didn’t—” I started, only to be interrupted by Lindsay.
“You didn’t invite her?” she asked, her wide eyes going back and forth between us.
“Not because I didn’t want to,” I rushed to say, my gaze on Lindsay. “I just… you sent invitations out months ago and I didn’t want to ask. I didn’t want to mess with the bride, you know?”
I looked down, hoping Iris could see the truth in my words. This wasn’t me having cold feet about our relationship—no, my feet were nice and toasty. I may have been uneasy about her in the beginning, but now that we were together, I was one hundred percent in.
Iris smiled before leaning over and placing a kiss on my cheek. “It’s okay,” she whispered, with nothing but sincerity in her eyes.
“Oh please,” Lindsay began. “I’m as chill as they come, you know that. I appreciate the thought, but you can ask me things about the wedding. I’m not running around like a chicken with my head cut off.”
“Yeah, but you’re always talking about it and—”
“Because I’m excited.” She smiled down at Kevin, cupping his face in her hands. “I’m beyond ready to marry the love of my life.”
They kissed. It was brief and full of nothing but love. When Lindsay pulled away and faced us, she said, “Do I want things to be perfect? Of course. Everyone does. But will I have a meltdown if things go a little differently? No, because the most important thing is staying the same.”
“She’s not lying. I haven’t seen her cry over a wedding detail once,” Kevin said, his eyes stuck on his soon-to-be wife. “Lindsay’s the perfect woman.” He placed a kiss on the corner of her mouth.
Lindsay beamed and sat up straighter. “That’s right, I am. So yes, of course she can come.”
“Really?” My arm tightened around Iris’s shoulders. I didn’t even wait for Lindsay’s response before twisting toward my girlfriend and grabbing one of her hands.
“Iris, will you go to their wedding with me?”
She laughed. “Of course.”
I quickly leaned forward and captured her lips with mine, my tongue effortlessly sliding in and tangling with hers. It was the kind of kiss that made you forget other people were in the room. Hell, it made me forget other people were on the planet.
It wasn’t until her fingers were pulling at my hair and my hand had fallen to her ass, ready to lift her into my lap, that I registered the very loud coughing in the background. Iris ripped her mouth away, and her cheeks turned pink when she heard how loud our breathing was.
“Dude,” Kevin said, his eyes on me. “I know I said I was bummed about Linds not letting me get any triple-X channels, but you didn’t need to give me a show.”
Lindsay chuckled as she backhanded him in the chest. He easily caught her hand and brought it up to his lips for a kiss.
It was funny; when I was single, their inability to go a minute without touching or kissing something on the other drove me insane. But now it wasn’t as annoying.
“Ohmygod,” Iris muttered as she tried to sink into the couch.
“Hey, you know what would be awesome?” Lindsay asked, clearly trying to draw attention off my girlfriend’s raging red cheeks. I must admit, I liked a blushing Iris quite a bit.
“What?” I asked.
“If Iris was a bridesmaid! That way you can walk down the aisle together.”
“Oh.” Iris scooted up on the couch. “That’s really sweet, but you don’t have to—”
Lindsay started waving her hands, cutting Iris off. “I don’t do anything I don’t want to.”
“So you’re okay with it being uneven?”
“Uneven?” She tilted her head, confused, before recognition hit her. “Oh no no. You wouldn’t be an add on, just walking by yourself. You’d take someone’s place. The girl walking with Nick. You guys look about the same size. Don’t you think, Nick?”
Iris’s eyes widened, and I knew she was thinking about how she couldn’t take someone else’s spot. Lindsay must have understood the look too, because she quickly assuaged her worries.
“The girl Nick’s walking with is my cousin, Anne. She loathes any kind of attention and has been dreading this. But since Kevin had three groomsmen, and apparently I only have two friends, I needed an extra person. So really, this is perfect. I felt awful about asking Anne, but I really didn’t have anyone else.”
“You swear?” Iris looked to Kevin and me for confirmation.
“Really.” I looked down at her and squeezed her hand. “Anne is going to be over the moon when she finds out. And I’m not just saying that because I want you on my arm.”
“Well okay, if you’re really sure—”
“She is.” They all chuckled as I cut her off before quickly kissing her on the lips. I wasn’t giving her any reason to doubt how much I wanted her there. My kisses traveled across her cheek until I reached her ear. “I’m insanely happy right now.”
When I pulled back she was grinning. “I am too,” she whispered. “More than seems possible.”
The game was in the last five minutes of the fourth quarter, and the Patriots were killing the opposing team. I was told that wasn’t surprising.
I knew nothing about football, so when Nick and Kevin started talking about corner routes and pass protection, I was officially bored.
Lindsay caught my eye and grinned. Apparently I wasn’t covering my boredom well. She stood up and, with an affectionate pat on Kevin’s shoulder, moved past him.
“Wanna help me make some drinks?” Lindsay asked while the guys continued talking.
“Yes,” I said a little desperately, practically jumping up. Lindsay had already turned toward the kitchen and Kevin’s gaze was on the television, watching the announcer draw blue lines all over the place, when Nick wrapped his hand around the back of my thigh. I looked down to find him smiling up at me. He didn’t say a word, just squeezed my leg once and turned toward the TV.
The gesture sent my heart aflutter, like he was saying, I’ll miss you. Which was ridiculous because I was only moving a few feet, but when a person is that immersed in something, it’s nice to know that they’re still thinking of you, tracking where you are.
Dopey grin still in place, I finally followed Lindsay into the kitchen.
“I’m really glad you were able to make it,” she said with a smile before she reached into a cabinet and took out a couple glasses. Lindsay already had club soda, white rum, sugar, mint leaves, limes, and strawberries out.
“What are we making?”
Lindsay raised her eyebrows. “You’ve never had a strawberry mojito?”
Shaking my head, I took a seat at the counter. “Nope. I’m not much of a drinker to be honest. And when I do it’s usually a glass of wine or a beer.”
“Would you prefer a beer? I don’t think the guys drank them all yet,” she said, already halfway turned toward the fridge.
“No, that’s okay. I’d love to try one.”
“They’re the best. Oh! I almost forgot.” Her voice dropped to a whisper as she quickly looked over my shoulder into the living room. I turned and found the guys in the exact same position, leaning forward and pointing at the screen while they discussed the game as if someone was going to come ask their advice on it.
When I swiveled back around Lindsay had preheated the oven and taken a bag of pizza rolls out of the freezer. After grabbing a thin pan, she quickly—and rather quietly—started arranging them on it, her eyes going to the guys every couple seconds.
My brows were bunched, but my lips kicked up into a smile. After one of Lindsay’s not-so-discrete checks of the living room, she took in my expression.
With a small snort, she immediately started laughing. “I must look crazy right now.”
“Just a little bit,” I said with a smile as she put the last row of rolls on the pan. The oven dinged and she easily slid the food in and set a timer, letting out a breath of relief when she was done.
“Sorry. Nick’s really picky about food, and he hates when I eat those. But they’re too damn good to give up. I had to sneak these in.” She paused as she started making the drinks again. “Have you ever been on the receiving end of one of his food rants?”
“I can’t say I have.”
“Oh. He must be saving that particular brand of crazy for when you’ve fallen too far to back out.”
I looked over my shoulder at Nick. A warm feeling raced through me as I watched his smile eat up his face, those dimples I loved so much coming out to play.
Nick caught me staring and grinned wider. I stared back, unashamed, while my lips slowly pulled up. He winked before looking away and talking with Kevin again.
I turned back around, blushing, to find that Lindsay had finished making the drinks and mine was waiting in front of me. Without looking up at her, I wrapped my hands around it, peering down with a smile. “I’ve fallen pretty far,” I admitted in a whisper.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her lean against the counter, the drink she was so excited for was now forgotten.
“I think he has too.”
My gaze moved up. “Really?” I wasn’t insecure in my relationship, but there was something about hearing from family and friends—who’d known him for years and watched him grow, who’d seen his other relationships—that provided a whole different kind of relief.
“You’re the first,” she said softly.
“The first what?”
Her eyes darted to the other room before coming back to me. It was the first time I’d seen Lindsay so serious. “The first relationship he’s had since…”
“Colleen?” I guessed, remembering the words his mother had said to me in passing a couple months ago. But Nick and I hadn’t discussed her yet. And I didn’t feel comfortable hearing about it from someone other than him, when he was ready to tell me.
“He hasn’t told me anything,” I added when I saw the disbelief in her eyes. “His mom accidentally mentioned her once.”
Lindsay nodded, leaning back and grabbing her drink. “I’m not trying to gossip. He should be the one to tell you, when he’s ready. I just want you to know this is big for him. It’s not a whim. He’s a relationship guy, and he’s been wary of starting one for years. For him to want to try again must mean you’re pretty special, and I want to make sure you’re not taking it for granted.”
She looked at me like I imagined a mama bear would look at someone trying to get near her cub for the first time.
“I’m not,” I swore, my voice a tad too loud and impassioned for a casual conversation. But when I looked in the other room the guys were still lost in the world of football. Turning around, I finished, “I promise. I may not know the details, but I know how hard it was for him to open up to me. I won’t do anything to jeopardize that.”
I sat still, holding my breath, like I was waiting for a verdict to be read.
“I believe you.” Lindsay smiled, and I couldn’t help but think about what a beautiful and radiant bride she would be.
I didn’t want to bring the mood back down, but I did have one other question that I wasn’t sure Nick would be able to answer as impartially.
“Did he love her?” I asked quietly. Sure enough, her grin dropped.
Lindsay took a moment before answering, swirling the straw in her drink. “He loved her like you love your first set of makeup. It’s new and shiny, and you’re excited to finally have it. But when it breaks or gets old, you start testing out some other stuff and you discover what crap the first set was.” She slapped her palm over her face. “God. That was a terrible analogy because all makeup gets old. But did it make any sense?”
I chuckled as she peeked through her fingers. “Yeah. I think it did.”
Lindsay removed her whole hand and said, “I liked Colleen, don’t get me wrong. We were friends even. But she and Nick were never right for each other. If it hadn’t been what happened, it would have been something else. It’s who she was. She was nice, but she could also be very selfish.”
I nodded and looked down at my drink.
“One last thing and then we can talk about fun stuff again,” Lindsay said, bringing my head back up. “What happened damaged him a little bit, and it definitely changed him. But if he mourns anything, it’s the person he was. He’s not mourning her or their relationship. Sometimes guys are stupid at explaining stuff like that, so I just wanted you to know.”
With a grateful smile, I thanked her and finally took a sip of her mojito.
Holy sh—
“This is delicious.” I immediately took another sip while Lindsay grinned.
“Right? They’re my favorite. I can’t—”
“Lindsay!” Nick shouted as he came into the kitchen. “What’s that smell?”
Only then did I realize the aroma of pizza was swirling in the air.
“Iris wanted them,” she blurted out. I shot her a wide-eyed look before glancing back at Nick, who was frowning down at me.
“Was there something wrong with what I made?” he asked as he crossed his arms. I carefully set my drink down.
“No. I—”
All of a sudden, Nick grabbed my hand and yanked me up. I saw Lindsay’s grinning face right before he threw me over his shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” Lindsay said on a laugh—not sounding sorry at all. “I thought he’d go easier on you.”
Between the blood rushing to my head and Nick’s palm on my butt, I couldn’t think of a response. I just laughed along with everyone else as he carried me out of the room.
I’m not falling.
I’ve already hit the ground.
And I’ve never felt better…
After Kevin and Lindsay left that night, I hung around for as long as I could. But since I had to be up early for work, we just relaxed on his bed and watched a movie. Okay, we watched half a movie and spent the other time making out.
The movie clicked off about ten minutes ago and I was trying to convince myself to leave. But it was rather difficult with him softly running his hand through my hair, occasionally stopping to massage my scalp. The longer we lay in silence, the more my thoughts circled, and they kept coming back to one: Colleen.
I finally took the plunge. “Hey, Nick?” I whispered.
“Hmm?”
“Can I ask you something?”
“’Course,” he mumbled, sounding near sleep.
“Who’s Colleen?” I felt him solidify under me, and I immediately backpedaled. “Your mom mentioned her once. You don’t have to tell me—”
Nick’s hand found mine and he squeezed. “It’s not that. I want you to know. It’s just hard.”
I stayed silent, my arm still firmly wrapped around his waist as I waited. “The simple answer is she’s my ex-girlfriend.”
“And the complicated answer?” I softly asked.
“She’s one of the main reasons why I’m so distrustful and bitter. I don’t pretend not to know why I’m this way, but I also know it’s far more complicated than just her. I am also aware that, like you’ve mentioned, I have a choice. I can decide to overcome it all, and I’m trying right now. It’s hard but it’s definitely worth it.” I felt him smile as he pressed a kiss to the side of my head.
“Did she cheat on you?” I couldn’t really imagine anything else. That was a huge reason why people became distrustful and had a hard time in future relationships. But I thought about all the sweet and wonderful things Nick did, and I couldn’t understand how a girl would cheat on someone this attentive and caring. What more could another man have to offer?
“No. She…” He blew out a breath and I almost told him to stop, because I could tell how difficult this was for him. “She was pregnant,” he finished on a pained whisper.
I froze. I definitely wasn’t expecting that. Was he trying to tell me he had a kid? No, that wouldn’t be possible. Catherine would be doting on and on about that child for days. And there was zero chance Nick wouldn’t be a part of his kid’s life. Whoever ended up with Nick as a father and Catherine as a grandmother was a lucky kid.
Woah. A little soon to be thinking about kids, huh, Iris?
Okay, well if not that, then what?
Oh. Crap. Had his child died? It wouldn’t explain the betrayal, but that would certainly make me—
Nick chuckled, sounding a little relieved to find something to smile about, and I looked up at him.
“What?”
“Quit trying to guess. I’m gonna tell you.” Nick paused, some of the darkness coming back as he swallowed roughly. “Colleen had an abortion.”
“But…” I trailed off. That didn’t make sense. Nick might not have been as devout a Catholic as his mother, but there was no way he’d agree to—
I froze and pushed away from him. Sitting up, my wide eyes looked into his. “No,” I whispered. “She…?”
I couldn’t even finish the thought, let alone the sentence.
“Yeah,” he said miserably. His gaze left mine as he stared down at his hand bunched into a fist. “I didn’t find out about the baby until it was too late.”
“How?”
“A voice mail on her home phone.” He laughed, but there was no joy in it. It sounded sad and pained. “Colleen was so weird about still having a landline, and in the end that was the thing to bite her in the ass. We had keys to each other’s places and I had stopped by to crash on my lunch break because her house was only five minutes from the restaurant where I was working at the time. I walked in just as the phone rang one last time before switching to the voice mail. I remember smiling when I heard Colleen’s voice asking them to leave a message.” When he paused, I brought my hand up and started rubbing slow circles on his chest. He exhaled, like he was letting out all the bad and preparing to take in the good… me. And when he kissed the side of my head, I knew I’d been right—I was giving him exactly what he needed.
“I was already heading up the stairs when the message started. Honestly I was so beat I’m surprised I even paid attention. But I heard the words clinic, and appointment, and checkup, and I jogged back down to listen. She was my girlfriend, I was worried.” I shuffled closer and hugged him tighter.
“Then I heard the rest. I must have stood there in shock for at least ten minutes before I replayed it. Not just once, but five times. I even looked up the doctor and called to be sure. I knew they wouldn’t have been able to tell me about a patient, but I wanted to confirm what they did. The lady must have thought I was insane with how many times I made her repeat that it was an abortion clinic and that abortions were the primary procedure they performed.”
“I’m so sorry, Nick. I can’t even imagine…” The words sounded weak and pathetic… nowhere near the magnitude I really felt.
He shook his head and when he began speaking again he sounded distant, methodical, like he was reading a book about someone else’s life. “I didn’t go back to work, and I didn’t answer any of her phone calls. I just sat down on her couch and waited for her. She was so relieved when she came home and saw me sitting there. That relief quickly turned to fear when she saw the look on my face. I asked her, I laid out everything I heard, and point blank asked her if it was true. If she killed our unborn baby.
“I don’t know what I was expecting. I guess some part of me thought she’d have an explanation. But of course she didn’t. She was straightforward when she told me. I didn’t yell, and I didn’t cuss her out or start punching a wall. I just stood there and stared, trying to figure out how this person I’d spent years of my life with, could do what she did.”
My fingers continued drawing circles on his chest. “Did you guys want kids?”
“I thought so… we had stopped being diligent about protection. We weren’t trying to get pregnant, but I guess we figured it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. At the time, we were all the other saw.”
I tried to ignore the sharp ache those words brought.
“The reality of it proved more difficult for her to accept. Colleen started crying, blubbering about how she was sorry and she loved me, but she had to do it. I asked her one more question. But she didn’t need to answer, I saw the look in her eyes… she never would have told me. She had zero intention of telling me we created a child, or that she killed it.”
“Do you know why she did it?” I asked.
He laughed, this time it was dark and filled with anger. “Because of her fucking job. She was a model and she didn’t want it ruining her body.” Nick sighed before looking down at me. “And that was when I started seeing people’s decisions through the frame of, what are they getting out of it?”
I watched him shake his head, like he wanted to rid himself of his pain. Then he gently cupped my face with his hands.
“Iris,” he whispered. “I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to see the world this way. I want to see it the way you do. I want to look at a field of flowers and not just see the weeds. I want to get lost and not get angry, but think of it as an adventure somewhere new. I want to see the best in someone, not the worst.
“But I genuinely don’t know how. Colleen made that decision without a single thought as to what it meant to anyone but her. My father left my mother and me and he never looked back at the damage he caused. I want to give that guy who ran me off the road the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he had no choice, but I just can’t…” He trailed off, helpless.
I didn’t say anything, instead I just wrapped him in a hug. One he quickly returned, holding on tight.
Everything about Nick made sense. His surly and distrustful nature, his reluctance to believe I gave him my kidney for “no reason.”
And I couldn’t entirely blame him. I’d always thought we had a choice in how we viewed the world, but maybe sometimes the past had a greater hold on us than we were capable of breaking.
Nick had been forced to view the world this way. It was as if he’d been standing in a room and suddenly the lights went out. His eyes would have no choice but to adapt to the darkness.
Maybe his heart adjusted to the dark the same way.