Chapter Three
“I never want to hurt you.”
Sawyer
As it turned out, Isadora did have a date that night, just not the date anyone expected. Walking into the familiar restaurant on the first floor of the Patras Hotel, she showed herself to the restaurant in the back. Evelyn waved the moment she spotted her.
“Sorry I’m late,” Isadora apologized, settling her napkin on her lap.
“Thanks for meeting me.” Her sister-in-law grinned.
“No problem. It’s been a long time since we had one of our lunches, although this is technically dinner.”
A waiter came by and took their drink orders as they perused the selection. Once Isadora decided, she closed the menu and placed it aside.
“So, is this a social thing or a follow-up to Lucian’s visit this afternoon?” There was no point beating around the bush.
“A little of the first, nothing of the second, and a bit of my own concern.”
One thing she appreciated about Evelyn was her ability to be direct.
“Well, let’s get the concerns out of the way so we can move onto the fun stuff.”
“Deal.” Evelyn nodded, folding her hands on the edge of the table. “What are your intentions with Parker?”
She laughed. Maybe direct was an understatement. “I don’t have any intentions yet. Is there something you want to tell me?”
Evelyn smiled and sipped her water. “He’s a good guy, Isa. I’m not going to warn you away from him.”
“Good to know and I appreciate that.”
“So you are interested.”
“I didn’t say that. But it’s nice not to have another person in my life telling me what I should or shouldn’t do. Just out of curiosity, what would Lucian say if he knew you felt that way?”
Evelyn laughed. “Oh, he knows. I don’t hold anything against Parker. Yes, he did some underhanded things and no, they were not his proudest moments, but deep down, he’s a good guy and he’s always looked out for me, even when I didn’t need his protection.”
“I, um… I’m still trying to process the fact that he lived at the shelter.”
Evelyn shrugged. “All kinds of people live in shelters. It doesn’t matter if they were always poor or once rich. A catastrophe can ruin any sort of person.”
“Well, like you, he seems to have found success.”
“He could have left the shelter years ago. He’s always been really smart. I think he waited so long because he kept pace with me. Part of me feels guilty about that, but another part of me is grateful. He made life … better.”
“He worked at Leningrad.” She still couldn’t get over that.
“Don’t assume he’s completely to blame for the falling out between Slade and Lucian a few years ago. There’s a lot more to that story than people realize.”
Her brows lifted. “Such as?”
Evelyn’s full lips twisted. “Sorry. It’s not my place to tell. And I know Parker’s position didn’t help matters. The point is, there were problems there long before he came into the picture.”
Isadora sat back and digested that bit of information. Slade and Lucian had always been so close. What could have possibly interfered with that if not Parker? “Lucian and Slade seem better now.”
Evelyn smiled. “They’re working through their issues. I was never Slade’s biggest fan, but he loves your brother. Lucian loves him, too—like a brother. It makes me happy to see them talking again.”
If that was the case they should all let sleeping dogs lie. “Tell me more about Parker.”
Her crystal eyes lit with affection. “He has a gift when it comes to business, but if you asked him, he’d call it a curse. His success far outshines mine. Which reminds me.” She reached into her bag and withdrew a little gift box. “I made you something.”
Isadora smiled. Two presents in one day? She untied the ribbon and lifted the lid. A small bracelet rested on a cotton pillow.
“Oh, Evelyn, it’s beautiful. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. The stones are called tiger’s eye. It supposed to help with decision making and deciphering emotion, if you believe in that sort of thing.”
Isadora slipped it onto her wrist, admiring the swirls that cut through each bead. “I love it.”
“So,” Evelyn said, getting back on topic. “Lucian seemed pretty frazzled after he got home from your house.” She snickered. “You didn’t tell him anything, did you?”
“Nope. Sometimes he needs to be reminded he’s only human, not a god.”
“True story.” She laughed again. “He’s going to nag me all night for details when I get home.”
Isadora regretted hearing that, as she could really use some advice. “Will you tell him?”
“Not if you tell me not to. You can trust me.”
She relaxed. “Thank you.” Letting out a long breath, she confessed, “To be honest, I don’t know what I should do. Part of me thinks Lucian is making this too much about himself. It’s my life and I should be able to talk to whomever I want.”
“Absolutely.”
“But then I worry I’m putting stress on our family, which we certainly don’t need. We have enough drama.”
“You talking to Park shouldn’t cause stress. I just wouldn’t expect your brother to trust him. I’m not sure he ever will. But for what it’s worth, I do.”
Isadora glanced at the table, her voice softening. “Did you love him?”
“Well, if you asked me that a few years ago I would have said no. But my understanding of love’s evolved since then. Now?” Her pale eyes gazed upward as she smiled. “Yes, I loved him. I still do. I probably always will.”
Isadora was relieved by her honesty, but troubled by her words. “A romantic love?”
“No, not even close. At one point I wished I could feel that way for him, but he was too much of a friend.”
“I can’t imagine what it must have been like for you two.”
Evelyn’s gazed turned contemplative. “When I first met him I thought he was trying to steal my shoes. He was actually trying to give me his. I think I called him an idiot. His shoes were the nicest I’d ever seen—rich people shoes. No one ever gave stuff like that away. He had other things, too. But having fancy shoes and good clothes made it hard for him to fit in.”
“Because he came from wealth?” Isadora asked, trying to piece the puzzle of Parker Hughes together.
Evelyn laughed. “He showed up with luggage. That first winter he sold a lot of the stuff he came with, but he always bought me things with his money, a warmer coat, food, little packets of soup mix. He was always looking out for me and Momma.”
It was difficult to imagine children living in such terrible conditions, but she was starting to understand the strong bond they shared. “Thank you for telling me that. I know you don’t often talk about your life before Lucian, but it helps me make a little more sense of things.”
Evelyn expression sobered and something flashed in her pale eyes. “Just … don’t hurt him, okay?”
Startled by the request, her eyes widened. “I won’t. I promise.” But then she thought about Sawyer and his broken promises. “I promise I’ll always be honest with him.”
“Thank you.” Satisfied, Evelyn folded her hands on the table. “Now, let’s talk about names.”
“Names?”
“Yup. I like Evan for a boy and Lucinda for a girl.”
Isadora’s mouth gaped. “Are you…?”
Her sister-in-law laughed, her face beaming. “I am!”
Isadora squealed, disrupting many of the patrons’ meals as she jumped out of her chair and hugged Evelyn. Tears of joy sprang to her eyes. “Oh, my God! A baby? Does Lucian know?”
“Of course.”
“Why didn’t he tell me?”
“We were going to tell you last night, but you took off. Toni knows.”
“That little witch! We talked for an hour when I got home and she never said a word.”
Evelyn laughed. “I think she’s put out about not being the baby anymore.”
“Oh, this is fabulous! I can’t believe it! A little baby in the family again.”
They chatted ceaselessly through dinner, eating only between words and letting most of their meal go cold. When she left the hotel, she was on cloud nine.
Her mind raced with ideas for a baby shower and little itty-bitty outfits and soft blankets. Oh, she was going to spoil that kid rotten!
As she pulled onto the highway her phone rang. Since she was driving, she didn’t look at the caller ID.
“Hello?”
“Bella?”
Her smile faltered. “S—Sawyer?”
“How are you?”
“I’m … okay.” Why was he calling? “Is something wrong?” He hadn’t called her in months and now, after running into him just last night, he was talking to her again?
She caught her breath. Last night she’d fallen right to sleep, without sparing Sawyer a single thought. Considering what had happened… The realization shocked her.
“I wanted to speak to you—in person. Are you free tonight?”
She frowned, her stomach pinching with uncertainty. She couldn’t see him. Seeing him led to tears and she didn’t need to cry anymore.
Make up an excuse! “I’m in the city, well, just leaving it anyway.”
“I can wait.”
Her gut instinct was to say no. “I don’t know, Sawyer—”
“Please, bella. I need to see you.”
Her voice was small, weak. “Okay.”
She hated that he still had the power to make her change her mind. But what if he’d changed his mind?
Her breath turned labored as she questioned what this might mean, if she wanted it to mean anything. Part of her hoped it was nothing, but… God, she was weak. She’d see what he wanted and if this was some trick she’d get out of there fast.
“I’ll be there in about twenty minutes.”
“I’ll be waiting. Drive safe.”
She ended the call and stared blindly at the road. Her car found its way to his house as if by heart. When she parked in his driveway, she shut off the engine and waited, unable to bring herself to open the door.
She should have been thrilled to hear from him. But dread filled her chest, too many layers of hurt and distrust. He’d broken her heart so many times she never knew if she should brace for pain or nurture the last flicker of hope. Her trust in him was beyond fractured.
What did this mean? What about the other woman?
She sucked in a breath as he appeared on the patio and approached her door. He pulled the handle and the interior lights came on, illuminating his smile.
“Thanks for coming.”
He looked good. The same. But nothing was the same and part of her feared whatever this was would confuse her all the more.
She was paralyzed, unsure how to protect herself and afraid to get out of the car. “Is something wrong, Sawyer?”
“Come inside.”
That would be a mistake. Or maybe she was just overthinking. He took her hand, his fingers lacing with hers and fitting as familiar as an old leather glove that would always be the perfect size.
Following him inside, she walked slowly to the living room. “You got a new couch.”
He poured himself a drink at the kitchen counter. “The old one was shot. Wine?”
His question startled her. He acted like she’d been there yesterday. “No, thank you.” She continued to stare at the couch, wondering who else had sat there.
He lowered himself to a cushion and gestured for her to have a seat beside him. “You look great.”
“Thank you. So do you.” Her body rested on the very edge of the cushion, her spine stiff.
“Did you enjoy the party last night?”
She had a difficult time looking at him, afraid of what she might see in his eyes. “I was only there for a little while.”
“Oh, I assumed you would have come for Lucian’s speech.”
“I did. Then I left.”
His hand caught a strip of her hair, turning it in his fingers and sending a shiver down her back. Her lip trembled. She couldn’t handle this.
“But I saw you after midnight—with Parker Hughes.”
Her brow puckered as she tried to figure out what exactly his angle was. “And I saw you—with Cassandra whatever her last name was.”
He released her hair, his motions now tentative. Her nerves prickled at his nearness. She fought the urge to lean into him the way she always had, old habits now far from appropriate. At the same time she fought the instinct to run screaming.
“Are you and Hughes an item?”
She scrutinized him. Was this his way of checking up on her, seeing if she’d moved on? “No. We just met.”
“So, it isn’t serious?”
Balancing their dialogue around an unvoiced issue drained her. She was tired of secrets and surprises. “Sawyer, what do you want?”
“You.”
Her heart stilled as her stomach flipped. That had not been what she expected him to say. Chills raced up her spine, too many various responses taking place at one time. Excitement, fear, longing, anger...
Her stare jerked to the carpet as she croaked, “But…”
He scooted closer, brushing her hair over her shoulder and pressing his lips to the side of her throat as he whispered, “I need you, bella.”
Her nipples hardened and her eyes started to close.
No!
She sprung off the couch the second she felt the touch of his tongue. “Whoa! What is this?”
He seemed taken aback by her response. “If it’s not serious between you and Hughes—”
“What, you thought you could call me after not contacting me for months and I’d show up, strip, and roll over?” What does Parker Hughes have to do with any of this? “I’m not a fucking dog, Sawyer!”
“Of course not!” He seemed genuinely offended by her words.
“Then what is this? Last night you were on a date.”
He waved her words away. “She was a plus one—”
“No,” she sneered, her eyes narrowing. “I saw you. You… You kissed her.”
He frowned. “When did you see me?”
“Right after Lucian’s speech. You were in the hall by an alcove outside of a balcony. She was laughing and touching you and you…” Her stomach revolted, but she held it together. “You liked it. I could tell. Then you kissed her back.”
His gaze lowered. “If I’d known anyone was watching… I’m sorry. That couldn’t have been easy for you to see.”
She wished she could fuck someone right there on his carpet and make him watch. “That’s why you’re sorry? Because I saw you?”
“Of course I’m sorry.”
“What about not dating? No relationships? What about the pills you refused to take?”
He flushed. “I’m not in a relationship. And as far as the pills… They don’t seem to bother me anymore.”
She was going to be sick. The only way he’d know the pills didn’t bother him was if he’d wanted something—someone—enough to take them. Oh, God…
“You had sex,” she wheezed, a sharp stab of inadequacy lodging in her chest and making her weak.
“Isadora, we never made any promises to each other after you left. I know there have been other men, but I certainly don’t need a report card from you.”
Her jaw locked. She didn’t leave! He dumped her.
And there had been no other men. She’d been celibate for far too long and it was making her crazy. She was busying herself with functions and garden shows and falling right into spinsterdom. While he was fucking all of Folsom!
She could have sex with him right now. All it would take was a green light from her and a tiny blue pill for him.
Her thoughts were chaotic, jerking her from all angles. But within the tornado of wildly spinning ideas storming through her brain was a slender shred of dignity standing tall.
She would not give him the satisfaction.
Anger, sadness, it all muddled together. Over a decade of this on-again, off-again superficial security. Him being the hand on a yo-yo that jerked her life this way and that. She was fucking tired of being treated like a worthless pawn meant only to serve other people’s needs.
Her heart was bruised and battered, but her wounds were so deep, no one could see her pain. She just lived with it, day in and day out, feeling like the only woman alive who no one would ever love.
She’d fallen for Sawyer at a vulnerable point in her life, loved him to distraction over the years. It wasn’t about being weak or strong, but about what love dictated. She might never be as tough as she hoped to be, but she was a hell of a lot smarter then she was at twenty-three.
Shaking her head, drawing in an unsteady breath, she stared at him. “You broke my heart and you don’t even care.”
“I care, Isadora. I’ll always care.”
“But you’ll do it again. I’ll give myself to you, heart and soul, and you’ll enjoy me for a time, but then you’ll send me away, claiming to know what’s best for us, acting like you know me more than I know myself.”
The satisfaction of being with him now paled in comparison to the pain of losing him. She’d never survive him pushing her away again.
“I can’t let you do that to me anymore, Sawyer. I’d rather be alone than in a relationship where I have no stability, no say whether it lives or dies.”
“Isadora… You know I care deeply for you.”
“Love!” she shouted. “It’s supposed to be love! I have enough people in my life that care about me. I need someone to love me. I needed you to love me!”
She withdrew her keys from her purse, hands clumsy and shaking.
Sawyer stood. “Please don’t leave like this. You’re upset. I’ll worry about you. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
She laughed coldly. “I’ve been upset a lot longer than just tonight. No need to start worrying now.” She pivoted and stormed to the door.
“Isadora!”
She couldn’t turn around, couldn’t bring herself to look at him. “What?”
“I…”
Her eyes closed as she waited for him to finish the statement, tell her he loved her and finally cut the string from this yo-yo so that they could fall. Together.
If he could just confess his true feelings she’d forgive him for all the years he made her wait. But after an embarrassingly long silence, she blinked through her blurring vision and turned the knob, not even sparing him a goodbye or a single tear.