Austen

After spending the last few days with Ryker, my heart was smitten all over again. He always made me smile, and he was so handsome, it should be illegal. He was a human teddy bear who kept me warm all night and even the innocent way he touched me sent chills down my spine.

Nathan slowly faded from my mind.

I started to weigh the two men against each other, and after spending time with Ryker, Nathan’s past transgressions seemed to work harder against him than they did before. I tried to remember the last time he made me laugh, and I couldn’t recall the most recent instance. Ryker’s rugged jawline entered my mind throughout the day, and I pictured how those soft lips felt against my own.

Could I really walk away from him?

He was my best friend.

I was walking on my treadmill desk when Vanessa poked her head in my office. “Hot guy #1 is here.”

I hit the stop button and glanced at the time. The workday was over and people were already gone. I only stayed behind because I was adding the finishing touches on my final campaigns. “Hot guy #1?”

“Yeah.” She waggled her eyebrows. “The buff guy with dirty blond hair.”

Nathan. “Thanks for letting me know.” I shut my laptop and stepped off the platform.

Vanessa kept staring at me.

“What?”

“Nothing. My life is just so much more boring than yours.” She flipped her hair over her shoulder and walked off.

I changed my shoes this time then walked into the lobby with my purse over my shoulder. My stomach tightened in knots like it usually did when I was anywhere near Nathan, but this time, the sensation was different. I wasn’t as excited as I usually was, probably because Ryker had thickened my mind with a heavy fog.

I turned the corner and saw him standing with his hands in his pockets. He wore black jeans and a dark green t-shirt, showing off his muscular arms and chest. He had long and toned legs, the kind that were muscular but not overly buff. He had thin hips that made his jeans hang down perfectly. And his butt looked great in the back, I was certain of it.

My temperature increased by a few degrees.

I’d forgotten how hot he was.

Like, scorching hot.

My throat suddenly went dry, and I swallowed to moisten my mouth. I walked up to him feeling a little less confident and a little more self-conscious. “What a nice surprise.”

“Wanted to take you to dinner, if you’re free.”

Ryker hadn’t asked me to do anything yet, but I was certain that was bound to happen in the next hour. Nathan beat him to the punch. “I’m free, and I could eat. But you know me, I can always eat.”

The corner of his mouth raised in a slight smile. “Like I could forget.” His large hand slid around my back and rested on the steep curve just above my butt. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to my lips, his slight beard rubbing against my skin.

Now my head was in the clouds again.

Nathan was a great kisser. He knew how to make a gentle and innocent kiss so much more. He didn’t need to use his tongue to expression his passion. His hand tightened on the back of my dress, bunching up the fabric and making it rise up my legs.

My hands rested against his chest, and I automatically rose on my tiptoes as he pulled me closer into him. I felt the spark, that chemistry that burned me from the inside out. Sex with Nathan used to be great. I still remembered the last time we made love and how good it was. None of the guys I met after we broke up compared—until I met Ryker.

Nathan broke away first, which was a good thing because I was pretty paralyzed. His hand slid from my back, and he grabbed my hand. “Let’s go before I get carried away.”

* * *

Nathan took me to a fancy Italian place I’d never heard of, and we enjoyed a bottle of wine and way too much food. When I sat across from him, I always felt nervous even though I shouldn’t. As a result, I didn’t eat as much as I normally would, and I certainly fidgeted a lot more. The muscles of my stomach were tight because the nerves were getting to me. I wish I could be cool with Nathan, but I just couldn’t.

When it came to Ryker, I was totally relaxed.

I wasn’t sure what the difference between the two men was. One gave me butterflies in my stomach, and the other made me laugh so hard water came out of my nose.

When dinner was over, Nathan took my hand and guided me back to his place.

“There’s something I want to show you.”

“What is it?” We used to hold hands all the time, and I noticed how natural it felt. Like no time had passed at all, our bodies fit together perfectly. We used to do this exact same thing when we took walks around the park or the mall. Only then, I was wearing a diamond ring on my finger.

I never had the strength to throw it away. Nathan never asked for it back, and I couldn’t pawn it for cash. I shoved it into a box inside my nightstand, where it remained untouched for years.

“You’ll see.” He took me to his building, which wasn’t too far from mine. We were only a few blocks apart, much closer together than I was to Ryker’s place. He was on the fourth floor, but he took the elevator to the very top.

This was getting interesting.

My phone vibrated with a text message, and I quickly pulled it out to check the screen.

Wanna eat pizza naked in my hot tub? Ryker’s name appeared on the screen.

The idea was actually very tempting. But I was already with Nathan, and I couldn’t just leave now, not when he took me to a nice dinner and we were having a great time. I didn’t want to tell Ryker what I was really doing because it was awkward so I wrote something vague. I have a plans tonight. But maybe tomorrow.

Ryker would know exactly what I was doing. Tomorrow, then. The dots disappeared.

I dropped my phone back into my purse and hoped Nathan didn’t take a peek at the screen. The elevator doors opened, and we walked to the stairs that led to the very top of the roof.

“Now I’m really interested to see what we’re doing.”

“You’ll love it. Trust me.” He guided me to the roof where two lounge chairs sat with an ice chest and a portable fire pit. Marshmallow sticks sat on the table, along with all the ingredients to make s’mores.

“Wow…”

“I wanted to take you camping, but I knew that would be too difficult in Manhattan. So I brought camping to us.”

“Minus the bears and raccoons,” I said with a chuckle.

He got the fire going then pulled out two bottles of beer from the ice chest. “The lights are too bright to see the stars. But we can still enjoy the view.”

I took a seat and watched him twist off the cap to my beer. He handed it over then sat beside me, his chair close enough that our hands could touch as they sat on the armrests. He took a drink and gazed across the city to the lit skyscrapers surrounding us.

I could hear the sound of sirens in the distance, the hum of traffic far down below as the stoplights turned green and the cars sped up again. The city was always loud, but that turned into background noise once I got used to it. Silence was unheard of in the city that never slept. If I were alone in the wilderness, I’d probably be terrified of the silence. Being in close proximity to people, even some of the terrifying people of New York, was preferable to being alone. “And it is a lovely view.”

He stuck marshmallows on the ends of our sticks then handed one to me. “You like yours brown or burned?”

“Brown.” I held my stick over the fire, doing my best to make sure the marshmallow didn’t get caught in the flames. “But I’m too impatient and always try to rush it, so it burns to a crisp.”

He made a disgusted face. “I hate burned marshmallows.” He held his stick higher than mine, in no rush to get it browned. “I’ll take my sweet ass time to avoid it.”

“But when the marshmallow gets too hot, it’ll start to melt and drip off.”

He eyed me from his chair, a smile on his lips. “Not your first rodeo, huh?”

“My dad used to take Liam and me camping when he first adopted me.” I didn’t talk about my early childhood much. I remembered the foster home vaguely, and the day my parents walked in and filled out the paperwork to take me home. They loved me right from the start, and my dad included me in all activities. He taught me how to set up a tent, start a fire, survive in the wilderness, and fish. He was never prejudiced against me because I was a girl—something I appreciated.

Nathan nodded, probably because he didn’t know how else to respond to my comment. He knew I struggled with my adoption, knowing my own father didn’t want me after my mother ran off. He knew my deepest fears—all of them.

So he knew exactly how much it hurt when he left.

The thought filled me with pain that I thought I’d parted with. I forgave Nathan because he seemed sincere, but no amount of forgiveness could ever erase the pain. He knew I was strong and courageous, but he also knew I had one particular weakness.

Feeling abandoned.

Nathan cleared his throat and turned over his marshmallow. “Yours is starting to brown.”

I turned it over and spotted the brown coloring on top. It was starting to form a hard shell with a gooey center. Once I was finished and it was smeared on a graham cracker, it would be delicious. “It’s looking pretty good.” I eyed his as it was held higher above the fire. “Yours looks exactly the same. Bring it a little lower.”

“I don’t know…”

“Come on, it’ll be fine.”

He brought his marshmallow to my level and rotated it so all the sides were exposed.

“Don’t turn the stick. Let it sit so it has a chance to brown. If you keep spinning it, it’ll just melt and drop into the fire.”

“Good point. Forgot you were an eagle scout.”

“Damn right.”

We watched the flames and kept our eyes glued to our marshmallows. It was a little like fishing, but without bait at the end. My marshmallow turned a perfect brown color, and I pulled it away from the fire. “This is the nicest marshmallow I’ve ever seen.” I felt the surface with my fingers, noticing the crust.

“That does look good.” Nathan threw together graham crackers and a piece of chocolate and held it out to me so I could wipe the marshmallow across the chocolate. Immediately, the chocolate began to sweat from the heat. He placed the other graham cracker on top then handed it over. “Congratulations.”

“Why, thank you.” I handed his stick back.

He examined his marshmallow then returned it to the fire. “Mine needs a few more minutes.”

When I took a bite, I got chocolate and marshmallow on my face, but I didn’t bother wiping it off. It was a waste of time. May as well wait until the feast was over.

Nathan grinned as he watched me.

“What?”

His smile grew. “Nothing.”

“It’s so not nothing.” I finished the last bite then sucked my fingers. “What?”

“You’re messy, that’s all.”

“I’d like to see you try to eat this and not get it everywhere.”

He chuckled. “Challenge accepted.” He pulled his marshmallow out and got his s’more ready. He gave me a cocky expression but he placed the whole thing in his mouth and chewed it with his mouth closed. “See?”

“That doesn’t count.”

He kept chewing and shrugged.

“You aren’t supposed to shove a whole piece of food in your mouth like that. That’s how people choke and die.”

He kept chewing until he finally got the whole thing broken down. “Whatever. I didn’t make a mess.”

“You and your big mouth…”

He laughed then pressed another marshmallow onto the edge of his stick. “You’re just jealous that I’m smarter than you.”

“I don’t want to scarf the whole thing in one bite. I want to take my time.”

“And make a mess.” He pointed to my hair on the left side of my face. “You got it in your hair, by the way.”

“I did?” I felt the strand with my fingers and noted the stickiness. I tried to clean it but it seemed like I was just making it worse. The texture stuck between my fingers, and every time I broke them apart, I seemed to spread it further and further.

Nathan chuckled at my inadequacy then grabbed a paper towel and wetted it. “Try this.” He handed it over.

I scraped the chunks from my hair then took care of my fingertips. “Thanks.”

“You want another one?” He grabbed my stick and nodded to the bag of marshmallows.

“I’m gonna cut myself off. Clearly, I can’t handle those things.”

“If you shoved the whole thing in your mouth, you could.”

I suddenly pictured shoving something else in my mouth, something I used to do for him first thing in the morning. I hadn’t been with Nathan in years, but I never forgot his size and length. I stared at the fire and tried to think of something else.

Nathan put his stick aside, clearly done with the marshmallows. “You like it up here?”

“I do.” I surveyed the lights of the city, appreciating them like stars in the heavens.

“Do you want to stay in the city for the rest of your life?”

“I don’t know.” I had a great job and a decent apartment in the greatest city of the world. I wasn’t sure if I could feel at home anywhere else. “I mean, it would be nice to get some peace and quiet once in a while, but other than that, I like it here. Maybe one day I’ll buy a house like my parents. It’s not exactly the suburbs, but it’s not an apartment either.”

He adjusted his position in the chair and straightened his t-shirt. “You aren’t interested in Connecticut then?”

The only reason why I wanted to live there was to raise a family. I’d been single for a long time, so that dream of growing my family only became more and more distant. Now I didn’t even think about it anymore. “Not really. Suburbs wouldn’t suit me well.”

Nathan didn’t ask me more questions about it. Hopefully, he realized I only wanted to move from the city because we needed a house with a yard for our dog and two kids. But men were pretty dense sometimes.

“What about you? Are you happy in the city that never sleeps?”

He shrugged. “Sometimes I like the cacophony, the fact there’s always something going on. I can get Chinese food at three in the morning or pick up groceries in the middle of the night. But other times, I want space. I want to look out my front window and not see a person for miles around. I want to open my window and only hear the sound of the wind. I know I’ll always have to work in the city, but I wouldn’t mind commuting if I got to have a piece of that—like a compromise.”

“Then why don’t you move?”

He shrugged. “I don’t want to buy a house until I settle down. I want to pick out the place with her, make sure we both have exactly what we want.” He turned his gaze on me, watching me with a look that was full of intensity. He didn’t say anything else, but his meaning was clear on the surface.

I couldn’t hold the look, so I turned away, feeling the tension fall on my shoulders. If he had it his way, we’d be back together and choosing that house right that moment. It was sweet, but it was also suffocating. We would have already had all of that if he hadn’t betrayed me. He was the only one to blame for his unhappiness.

He was the only one to blame for my unhappiness.

Nathan looked away and rubbed the scruff along his chin. He didn’t have the audacity to say anything more, to pressure me about the dreams we used to have.

I remembered the way my whole world went up in flames. My mom had just spent ten thousand dollars on a dress I never got to wear. I came home with it protected in plastic and spotted Nathan fucking Lily on my bed.

Could I ever really let that go?

Could I ever really wipe that memory away?

Nathan must have read my mind because he said, “I’m sorry. I know you’ve already forgiven me, but I’ll say it as many times as it takes. I don’t want you to forget how terrible I feel, how much I wish I could take everything back and go back to where we were.”

I believed the sincerity of his words, but I also couldn’t forget the pain that burned in my heart.

* * *

He walked me to my door with his head slightly bowed. When I pulled out my keys from my purse, he leaned against the doorway and watched me. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said all of that about Connecticut. It was stupid.”

“You don’t need to apologize. You didn’t mean anything vicious by it.”

“But I saw the look in your eyes. Thinking about the house we never bought and the life we never lived hurt you. It’s been years, and I still hurt you. The more I think about what I did and how I handled the situation, the more I hate myself for my stupidity. I’m trying to get you back because I love you, but I think the right thing to do is let you go. But I don’t want to do that…because I’m selfish.”

I crossed my arms over my chest, at a loss of what to say. “Honestly, I wish I could just get over you and move on with my life. I’m not giving you a second chance because I want to or even think you deserve it…I just haven’t stopped loving you.”

He nodded slightly. “I’m damn lucky.”

“Or I’m damn stupid.”

“I don’t think you’re stupid,” he said gently. “I would never hurt you again. I know that’s hard to believe based on what I did, but I mean that. You don’t have anything to worry about. If you really want to make this work, we’ll live a long and happy life together. I’ll be the most devoted guy on the planet. I’ll never take you for granted because I know what it’s like to lose you. If you love me and want to make this work, we will succeed.”

All of that sounded nice in theory, but my heart had never really fixed itself from the initial heartbreak. I would judge any woman for going back to her cheating ex, and I certainly judged myself right now. But I loved those kisses, that handsome smile, and everything else about him.

What was wrong with me?

I got the door unlocked and dropped my keys back into my purse.

“Can I come inside?” he whispered.

My hand moved to the door but I didn’t look up. If I invited him inside, there would be kissing and touching. Thinking about our past and possible future made me pull away, made me lift my guard. “Not tonight.”

Nathan didn’t press the invite, just like the gentleman he was. “Can we have dinner tomorrow?”

I didn’t have any plans, and for some reason, I didn’t want to reject him. “Sure.”

A small smile appeared on his lips, a slight hint of hope. “I’ll see you then.” His arm moved around my waist and he pulled me into his chest for a hug. He didn’t try to kiss me, reading my body language pretty well. But he held me there for a long time like he never wanted to let me go. His hard body felt like a mountain pressed against mine, and every time he took a deep breath, I could feel it push against me. His other arm locked around my waist until he had a firm grip around my body. His chin rested on top of my head and he moved slightly from side to side, like he was slow dancing with me.

When he held me this close, I forgot about all the pain between us. All I felt was the closeness, the goodness. He used to hold me like this all the time, and whenever he did, I knew everything would be okay.

Maybe everything would be okay.