Redd

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She fits perfectly.

Bijou's body was wrapped around mine, her curves a match to the divot in my arm. Holding her, I ran my fingers through her hair and held her hand that was resting on my chest.

Sitting quietly, she stroked the back of my palm, her thin fingers running and up and down over the veins. “Why wrath?” she asked, tracing the letters on my knuckles. “What does it mean to you?”

Taking in a deep breath, I didn't answer her right away. The letters were for me, a silent reminder of my past. Normally, I'd just refuse to answer that question, and tell whoever was asking to fuck off.

With Bijou, it felt different.

There was this thought in my mind that she would understand. That she'd have the compassion and ability to see it in the same light I did.

We weren't that different when you examined our lives, shrouded in blackness, consumed by suffering and internal battles. But that didn't mean she would accept the truth that was my life and where I came from.

Just tell her.

“It's to remind me of what I never want to become.” Swirling my fingertips across her shoulder, I exhaled a long breath, and repeated what my father used to say. “Therefore I will act in wrath. My eye will not spare, nor will I have pity. And though they cry in my ears with a loud voice, I will not hear them.”

Even though it was my voice repeating his words, it was his voice saying them inside my head. My stomach coiled up, blood turning hot as lava with the old memory swirling through my ears.

“That explains the bible I found.” Tilting her face up, she shifted her dark brown eyes between mine. “I won't lie, I was curious about it. It didn't seem to fit here.”

“It was my father's.” Saying the word slit my tongue and made it sting like I had just sucked on razor blades. I didn't even want to acknowledge that he existed, he never deserved the title of father. “It's all I have left that was his. And I'm not even sure why I kept it.”

“Was he a minister or something?”

Resting my head on hers, I squeezed her hand. “No, nothing like that. My father wasn't a kind man, Bijou. He would say these lines, ones that weren't meant to be used the way he did. And right before he would do something horrible, his eyes would turn black and he would speak some sort of passage to us. It gave him control, it was his way of turning his justice into some righteous act.” Looking down on her, I frowned.

His voice boomed in my head, and I was tempted to cover my ears to block him out. I hated his voice, I hated who he was. He wasn't a father, he was a monster. And I never wanted to become him.

Her finger ran over the letter W on my thumb as she looked back at my knuckles. “But you have to see it every day, doesn't that make it worse?”

“I have it there so I can remember, so I always know what I'm fighting against.”

It was stupid when I really thought about it. How I took those letters and tagged my skin with them so I wouldn't forget. . . I would never forget. It wasn't possible.

But I would do anything to not let the same rage that flowed through his veins consume me. He was a part of me, and I could feel it. I couldn't remove him, I couldn't smoke him out. Always there, still living inside me, turning me into a control-less freak when I got pissed off.

“And the other one? Is that something he used to say too?”

“No, that one's mine.” Lifting my hand up from her back so I could look at the letters, I wriggled my fingers. “Consider the blameless, observe the upright; a future awaits those who seek peace.”

“So it's like a good verses evil thing?”

“I guess it's like that. He put a lot on us, according to him it was our fault for what he would do. But it was never our fault, it took me years to figure that out. Unfortunately, I realized that way too late, otherwise things would have been very different.”

Studying my face, she pushed up on my chest and curled her leg around mine. “What did he do?”

Crooking my jaw, I weighed how much I would tell her. I was afraid of the judgment she might cast. There were pieces to my life that tore it open and left me bleeding. They all went together hand in hand, but I only regretted one of them every single day.

“It's not just what he did, it's what I did too.” Thinning my lips, I tried to force a smile, but it didn't work. “It's what I'm capable of that scares me. And it's what I couldn't do that hurts.”

Stroking her warm skin, I felt her heart beating against my ribs. The pace quickened and for a second I thought she was going to pull away. Her body lifted higher, nails gripping my chest as her eyes opened wide.

“You shouldn't be afraid of who you are. You said it yourself, nothing was your fault.”

Shaking my head, I watched her as she brought her face up to mine. Her lips pursed, brows arching high. She looked confused and afraid, like she wanted to know all my secrets, but wasn't sure how to ask.

She should be afraid. I was.

“It's not that simple, I wish it was. What he did, none of that was in my control. I was just a kid and he was my father. You're not supposed to go against the grain of your family. . . But I did.”

Closing my eyes, I laid my head back against the headboard and scratched at my throat. “My father made his own bed, he made those choices. But I made choices too, I've done things that he had no hand in. I can't blame him for what I've done. I own those mistakes, and I'll pay for them when it's time. Everyone I stole from, every time I let my hands touch something that wasn't mine—it was my choice. I can't take any of it back. I can't erase what I've done. Just like the other night, I did that, I killed that man—”

Cutting me off, her voice came in hard and sharp. “He deserved it, some people deserve what they get. You can't hold that over your head.”

Slowly, I peeled my eyes open and stared her down. “If I hadn't been there, he would still be alive.”

“And if you hadn't been there, I'd still be in that closet.” Her body stiffened, head rolling to her shoulder. “Are you questioning yourself now? Do you regret taking me?”

“No, that's not it, that's not what I mean.” Pushing up higher, I threw my fingers to my face, rubbing my forehead. “I don't regret taking you from there, it's what happens next, Bijou, that I worry about. I did one good thing and look where it got me. I feel like the world is about to come crashing down on me—on Vicki—on you. One choice threw it all off balance. I was supposed to be done with all this shit, I told Vicki I wasn't going to do it anymore.”

Angling her head, she veered her stare, brows dropping into the bridge of her nose. “Wait, your sister knows about what you did? Is that what she was talking about in the car?”

“She knows enough.” I watched her swallow, flicking her eyes towards the wall beside us. “Look, I don't want you to get me wrong. I wouldn't change what I did to get you out of there, I mean that. It's just—now I can't stop thinking about what else I'll have to do to keep that man away. How long will we have to look over our shoulders, how long before someone finds us? I don't want to kill anyone else, I've already taken two lives too many.”

Sitting still as stone, her eyes glazed over, replaying what I said. “Should I be afraid of you? Is that what you're telling me? That you can kill without thinking about it and that's what you're afraid of?” She didn't look at me when she asked, keeping her gaze down. “Who else did you kill, Redd?”

Her thumbs nervously tugged at each other, fingers nibbling away at the skin. I wanted to tell her, I really did. But I didn't want to scare her, I didn't want to push her away and force her back into the hole she had climbed out of.

“It doesn't matter. All you need to know is that I wouldn't do anything to hurt you.”

“Tell me, tell me who it was.” Kicking her feet around, she climbed onto her knees, pressing her hands into the mattress. “I need to know, tell me who.”

“No.” Leaning forward, I pressed our foreheads together. She refused to look me in the eyes, holding them steady on her hands. “Look at me, Bijou.” Closing her eyes, she held her breath. My voice shot out, deep and harsh. “Look at me.” Gripping her arms, I yanked her closer.

“I don't want to.”

“Why not?”

“I don't know if I want to see what you're hiding.”

Grabbing her chin, I tipped her head, capturing her eyes so she couldn't look anywhere but at my face. “We all have secrets. You and I both know you're hiding some of your own. You don't want to talk about it, and I don't want to talk about this.”

“This is different. My secrets only hurt me, yours might have hurt others.”

“Mine have nothing to do with now or with us. I'm willing to do anything to help you. That's all that matters, not what I did long before we met.” Holding her face firmly in my fingers, I refused to let her go. “Do you understand that?”

“Us?” she asked, her voice delicate as her eyes softened.

Releasing my grip, I stroked my jaw. “I don't want to sound crazy, Bijou, but when I'm with you, it feels right.” Shading my eyes under heavy lids, I tucked my head into my chest. “I haven't felt this good in years. I haven't felt this complete ever.”

“Redd. . .” Bijou scooted her body closer, laying her head on my chest. “You don't even know me.”

Wrapping my arm around her shoulder, I kissed the top of her head. “I know. But it feels like I've known you for a lifetime. I don't understand it, I have no way to explain it to you. But whatever it is, it's hitting me right here—” Slapping a hand over my heart, I pushed my palm in so I could feel the drum. “That's all I need to know, the rest will come in time.”

Rolling her head, her eyes met mine, glistening with tears over the surface. “Thank you.” She whispered as a single drop broke free and glided down her cheek.

“I already told you not to thank me, we're not out of this yet.”

“Not for that.” Her hand came up and swept over my jaw, thumb running over my bottom lip. “For showing me what it feels like to be alive.”

My skin buzzed from her touch, cock firming and pulsing as her eyes dripped with life. She was what I had been missing all this time.

Before I felt empty, because I didn't have her. I felt weaker, because I didn't have her. Now, I was stronger than I had ever been—because I had everything I needed right here in this woman.

Running the back of my fingers down her cheek, I traced her throat. She looked so beautiful, so pure and exotic.

Her hair was wild, wisps tangled with locks, framing her sharp cheek bones. Big brown eyes bled with emotions, new and old, mingling with each other in silence. Parting her lips, she blinked slowly, swallowing hard as the pads of my fingers moved down her skin.

Hard nipples pressed my side as her chest engorged with a lung full of air, and her skin flushed pale pink. “Don't hurt me, Redd.” Her eyes pleaded for a sanctuary, for a place free of pain and suffering. “I don't think I could handle it.”

Swooping her up into my arms, I guided her legs around my lap, and held her hips. “I would never hurt you.” Squeezing the sharp bones at her waist, I dug my fingers into her skin. “Not now, not ever.”

Bijou smiled, her face lighting up with relief. “That's all I need to know.”

Cupping her cheeks, I tugged her down, bringing her nose to mine. “Don't ever doubt me, my word means everything.”

Dancing her eyes around my face, she rolled her lips. “Do you think you'll ever want to share your past with me?”

“It's not that I don't want to share it. I just don't know how to say it and not make you hate me.” Dragging my fingertips up and down her back, I watched her.

“I don't want to push you to tell me, but I can't stop feeling like I need to know why you would take someone's life. I understand Val, I don't question that at all. But why before, what would drive you to do that?” Hanging her head, her hair fell over her face, hiding her from view.

Brushing her hair back, I took in a long breath. “Knowing isn't going to help you, Bijou. I want you to know me, who I really am.”

Slipping off my lap, she traced the long scars on her thigh. “Diablo did this.” Twisting so I could see her back, she pointed her finger over her shoulder. “All these.” Holding out her palm, she spread her fingers wide. “And this.” Dropping her hands against her legs, she angled her head to look at me. “You can see my scars. I can't see yours. Tell me who you killed, Redd, just give me that.”

Flaring my nostrils, I rocked my jaw side to side. I hadn't spoken about it for years. Not with Vicki, not with anyone.

I wanted Bijou to trust me, and telling her what I had done, I wasn't sure that would help either of us.

Give her what she wants, Redd. Let her decide what to do with it.

She was either going to accept it or hate me. But I wouldn't be able to hide it forever. It always had a way of finding me. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't get rid of it.

Forcing my tongue to form the words, I let them go.

“I killed my father, Bijou.”