9.
Becca
Uh-oh. What was I doing? Playing with fire, that was what. What was it about this man that was making me forget every single one of my promises to myself? It didn’t seem to matter how many times I reminded myself that I wasn’t here for this sort of thing, that I had come to Hawaii to get away from anything to do with other people. My heart was refusing to listen to my head.
All throughout dinner, I can’t stop sneaking glances at him, all the while feeling like there’s something about him, something special I can’t quite put my finger on.
He was so easy to talk to. That was a big part of the problem. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt at such ease in the presence of another person, much less someone I was attracted to. What was even stranger was that since leaving the beach, not once had I thought about home or my ex-boyfriend.
Isn’t that the point? Didn’t you come here to forget your problems?
Yes. But I didn’t come here to fall in love.
Love. My heart skips a beat at the mention of the word. Might I be getting a little ahead of myself? So this man was easy to talk to and I wasn’t ready for our evening together to end. But love? Did I even know what love was? I had thought I had known with Rob, but now that he was gone, I wasn’t so sure. Especially since the thought of him with the woman he had left me for now seemed nowhere near as painful as it had before. So what if he had cheated? It was clear we hadn’t been meant for one another. Good riddance.
Pushing away the thought with another sip of wine, I turn back to the present, to my dinner with Rich which is just about over now, both of us stuffed full and watching the women in grass skirts dancing onstage.
I’m getting sleepy, try as I might to fight it. What a long day it had been. Hard to believe I had flown in only a few hours ago. Already it felt like I’d been here a lifetime. And my vacation was only just now starting.
I stifle a yawn and pick at some leftover pig on my plate. My belly is filled to the brim; I feel as if I’ve eaten enough food to last a thousand years. I’m just about to lean over and suggest to Rich that we get out of here and head back to our villas when the performance ends and the crowd begins to clap. The lead dancer raises her hands and the audience quiets.
“And now,” she says, “I’ll need a few volunteers.”
No one speaks. The dancer waits a moment, asks again, and when still no one has volunteered, descends into the audience. Everyone is looking adamantly at the table in front of them. I am too. Unfortunately, just as she’s passing our table, I glance up, her eyes meeting mine.
“Ahh, here we go,” she says, stopping right next to me. “My two volunteers. Come on, everyone! Let’s thank this lovely couple for volunteering!”
“Oh no, we’re not a coup—“ I go to say, only to be silenced as she grabs my hand and pulls me to my feet. She leads the two of us onstage and then behind the back curtain, whereupon she and another dancer help Rich and me into hula skirts. Rich is given a coconut bra too, a fact which I’m unable to resist teasing him about.
The wine has loosened me up considerably, it seems, my nerves gone the minute we don our skirts. It helps too that out of the two of us, Rich is the one who looks most ridiculous. Our costumes on, the dancers lead us back out in front of the crowd. After explaining to the audience what we’re about to do, they show us a series of hip-swinging movements and off we go. Only half of me is paying attention as we dance. The rest of my mind is turned once again to the problem of this man beside me, this incredibly handsome man I never expected to meet. How strange life was, always putting things and people and opportunities in your path right when you least expected it! The only thing one could do was decide what one was going to do with whatever it was life chose to toss at you. So what, then, was I going to do with Rich?
When our performance ends, Rich is only too happy to get offstage. Back at our table, we polish off the last of our wine as all around us the other vacationers gather their things and filter out of the garden, the evening officially over. Both Rich and I are breathing heavily, big smiles on our face. I’m somewhat lightheaded, though whether this is due to the wine or to the atmosphere I just can’t tell.
We stay at our table until the garden is just about empty. Together we watch the last couple—an elderly man and woman—disappear onto the path leading to the villas, their hands clasped tightly together.
“Well,” I begin, stifling yet another yawn. Sleep wasn’t going to be held at bay much longer, even if I wanted it to be. “I guess I should probably be heading—“
“Do you want to go for a walk?” Rich asks, cutting me off.
I nod, my sleepiness suddenly and inexplicably gone. Rising from the table, Rich holds out a hand. I take it and let him pull me to my feet. We’re standing close, our faces no more than a few inches apart, our eyes locked together. Just like earlier on the beach, there is a tension so thick between us I’m surprised it’s not visible. Do it, some small part of me is saying. Throw yourself into his arms.
I don’t. Instead, I let Rich lead me from the garden, not bothering to ask where we are going. Sometimes, it was better to allow life to take you where it wanted.
My arm in his, Rich escorts me down the long, winding path of villas. We pass mine and continue on along a thin, sandy trail down to the beach. The moon is high in the sky, its near-full reflection bathing everything around us in its creamy light. Not a single person is out on the sand with us. Down at the water’s edge, we let the cool water wash over our feet. The ocean is sparkling, a million diamonds blanketing its black surface. Behind us, great walls of clouds are welling up over the distant mountains.
We walk along the shore in total silence. There’s no need for words. Everything is perfect just the way it is, so peaceful and beautiful. One was given the sense that, despite all the bad things that happened in a lifetime, some greater good was keeping an eye out for each and every one of us. Of course, maybe that was just the wine speaking, though I couldn’t help but believe it with every bone in my body. There was goodness here and always would be, even when it felt like everything you had known and loved had fallen apart or disappeared.
After some time, when the coast has turned and the lights of the resorts have disappeared behind us, Rich stops and drops down onto the sand. I sit down beside him. We stay there for a while, our knees drawn up to our chests, our arms wrapped around our knees. We’re leaned into one another, our gazes turned to the shimmering ocean. Stars pepper the sky above us like a thousand pinpricks in some cosmological blanket, affording us just a hint of something greater beyond these little lives we knew and were clinging to with all our might.
I’m not thinking of much, just enjoying this wonderful panorama spread out before me, utterly relaxed as a gentle breeze lovingly strokes my shoulders. Once or twice, I sneak a peek at Rich. His gaze is far away, his eyes unfocused. What was he thinking about? Where was his mind?
The next time I look over at him, I’m surprised to find him staring directly back at me. He smiles; I can’t help but smile right back. His gaze flickers down to my lips and then back up to my eyes.
He leans towards me. Like a moon drawn to its planet, I lean towards him. Reaching up, he brushes a hand through my hair, his fingers tightening around the back of my neck. He pulls me forward, his eyes looking deeply into mine. Our lips meet, his kiss soft, tender. As soon as I feel his mouth against mine, some deep feeling I’ve never felt before wells up inside of me, my breath catching in my chest. I kiss him back, my body melting into his. Everything is perfect in this moment
And yet, there’s something inside of me that’s pushing back. No!, that something screams. This is happening too fast. You’re not ready! You’ve only just met this man! And what about everything you left behind? What are you doing?! Run!
Unable to resist this voice, I break away from Rich’s embrace and jump to my feet.
“I’m sorry,” I say, not really aware of what it is I’m saying. Rich is still seated in the sand, looking questioningly up at me. “I’m sorry. I can’t. I just…can’t.”
Without another word, I turn and set off towards the resort, my pace quickening with every step. I’m desperate, desperate to get back to my villa, desperate to lock myself away. Soon I’m running, flying as fast as I can back towards the safety of my bed. My mind is racing along with me, a thousand different thoughts champing at the bit. What did I want? What was I doing? That had felt so right. That had felt so wrong. That was exactly what I wanted. That was exactly what I didn’t want. Did I even know what I wanted? Was it Rich? Or was it something else?
It’s less than five minutes back to my villa. My chest heaving, I slam the door behind me. I lock it and stumble across the room to my bed. I’m lightheaded from the wine and my exertion and the million confusing memories and images swirling through my brain. Dinner, dancing, the flight out here, our afternoon on the beach, Rob, my dead mother, the kiss that had felt so perfect beneath the glow of the almost-full moon, Rich’s questioning look…
I wiggle beneath the sheets, not even bothering to remove my sandy clothes as I reach out and turn off the lights. I close my eyes, willing my mind to quiet, to leave me alone.
Okay, Becca, take it easy. Everything is okay. You’re just not ready, and that’s fine. So it can’t happen. All you have to do is avoid him for a week. Surely, that won’t be so hard, right? Right?
Sleep is gracious tonight and comes quickly, helped along by the alcohol in my veins and the exhaustion from such a long day. Within seconds, I drop off to sleep, and for the first time in weeks, I’m not visited by a single dream.