CHAPTER TWENTY
Smoke
I RODE BACK to the clubhouse on autopilot, parking my bike and ignoring whatever the prospect at the door said to me as I strode inside.
I was vaguely surprised that I wasn’t trailing blood everywhere, because it sure felt like I was bleeding to death. Like my heart had been ripped from my chest and all that was left was a bloody hole.
My head was full of Cat, full of the wet grip of her pussy around my cock, the soft give of her body as I shoved her against the wall. Full of the rapid beat of her pulse as I put my hand on her throat.
Full of her voice telling me she loved me. That she’d never leave me.
I’d been shot once or twice before, and that was nothing compared to the agony I was feeling now. Walking out through that door had been like ripping myself in two.
But what else could I do?
She hadn’t listened to me—hadn’t done anything but relax into me as I’d torn her clothing and nearly choked her. As I fucked her hard and deep against the wall. I wanted her angry, wanted her fighting me, but she wasn’t and didn’t.
She just...gave me everything.
And you flung it back in her face.
Ignoring the sound of my stupid damn conscience, I headed straight for Keep’s office for the third time that day. Brothers nodded to me, saying, ‘hey’, but I ignored them, too. I didn’t have the time or the patience for meaningless fucking chitchat.
‘Jesus Christ,’ Keep said as I entered the office without knocking, coming to stand in front of his desk. ‘What the fuck is it this time?’
I put my hands in my pockets and came straight out with it. ‘I beat up Justin Grant. Smashed his pussy-ass face in. So now he’s going to press charges. I just want you to know that I’ll take full responsibility and that—’
‘Shut the fuck up,’ Keep snapped, glaring at me. ‘Again. From the top.’
I gritted my teeth, violence simmering inside me, itching to get out.
‘That bullshit call from the chief? It originated from Justin. He wanted me out of the house, so he could get to Cat. That’s what I found when I got back home. Him with his hands all over her.’ My rage boiled over. ‘So I taught him a fucking lesson about not touching what’s mine.’
Keep sat slowly back in his chair, his gaze sharp. ‘You couldn’t have kept better control of yourself?’
My jaw ached, every muscle in my body tight. ‘Funnily enough, when he was tearing her clothes and hurting her, controlling myself wasn’t uppermost in my fucking mind.’
Keep said nothing, continuing to stare at me.
‘Like I said,’ I went on, since it didn’t look like he was going to break the silence, ‘the asshole’s going to press charges and he’ll sure as hell make sure Cat won’t get custody of Annie. So I’m here to tell you she’s not my old lady any more and to that I’ll plead guilty. I’ll do the time.’
Keep scowled. ‘What do you mean she’s not your old lady any more?’
‘I can’t stay with her. Being with me is only going to hurt her.’
There was a dull throbbing in my chest—a low-level pain that wasn’t ever going to go away.
‘I only made her mine because I wanted the club to protect her anyway.’
Keep snorted. ‘What a fucking load of bullshit. You made her your old lady because you’re in love with her—everyone knows that.’
That word. Christ, why did everyone keep saying that word?
‘It’s not like that. It was fake. It was supposed to protect her and—’
‘Yeah, and that’s bullshit, too. You’ve been in love with that girl for as long as I’ve known you, and that’s a fuck of a long time. And she loves you, too. Jesus, the way she looked at you at the party that night, it was written all over her face.’
I said nothing, every part of me tense with denial.
My uncle shook his head slowly. ‘You fucking idiot. Why did you leave her? And don’t give me that shit about protecting her.’
‘I had to.’ I could feel a muscle jumping in the side of my jaw. ‘I nearly beat to death the father of her child. What kind of role model does that make me for Annie? Fuck’s sake, Keep. Cat already ditched one violent asshole—she doesn’t need another.’
Again, Keep stayed silent. Then, after a while, he said, ‘You’re a lot of things, Smoke. But I didn’t think being a little bitch was one of them.’
My hands clenched into fists in the pockets of jeans, rage surging through me. ‘Sorry, Keep, but you say that again and, president or not, I’ll smash your goddamn face in.’
The bastard just laughed.
‘Oh, come on. Admit it. You’re not leaving Cat to protect her. You’re leaving her to protect your own worthless hide.’
The ground felt suddenly uneven under my feet, my gut lurching.
It’s true. You know it’s true.
No, it couldn’t be. I wasn’t that much of a fucking coward, was I?
Keep cocked his head. ‘What are you so afraid of? What do you think she’s going to do? Leave you? She’s been your friend for years. She knows all your skeletons and yet she’s still here.’
‘How can I be with her?’
I hadn’t meant to say it, but it came out all the same, raw as a gunshot wound.
‘I killed your fucking brother and I nearly killed Grant. I’m no good, Keep. You know it. I know it. Cat needs to know it, too.’
‘And you’re full of it. David earned his death and I don’t blame you for it—you know that. All I know about Cat is that you’ve been a good friend to her for over twenty years. You love her, and you love her kid, too, and I know you’d die to protect the both of them. What more needs to be said?’
He paused.
‘Whether she wants to be with you or not is her decision, and if she wants you—well, shit... Who are you to tell her she’s wrong? And don’t give me that crap about not loving her. Giving her up is killing you. I can see it in your face.’
My jaw ached—everything fucking ached.
‘I don’t deserve her.’ My voice didn’t even sound like mine. ‘She’s...everything I’m not.’
Keep sat forward and leaned his elbows on his desk. ‘Of course you don’t deserve her. That’s why you’re gonna spend every goddamn minute of your life making sure you do.’
I stared at him. My uncle, my president. The man who’d been more of a father to me than my own dad ever had been.
‘It’s not just Cat.’ The words were as rusty as old nails. ‘I screwed up with the club, too.’
Keep’s blue eyes were very direct. ‘What the fuck kind of club do you think I run? Think I’d let a piece of shit like Justin Grant take a good brother down?’ One corner of his mouth tilted up. ‘I’ve got your back, Smoke. You should know that.’
The raw, aching wound in my chest throbbed. ‘What I did is going to make—’
‘Leave me to deal with the club. You go deal with your woman. And for fuck’s sake do it quickly—because I can only imagine what your drama’s doing to her right now.’
I couldn’t move—just stood there frozen.
Of course the club had my back, and so did Keep. How had I forgotten that?
Like you forgot Cat had your back, too. She always did.
A hot, painful feeling shifted inside me. Shame. Remorse. For the way I’d walked out on her. For forgetting everything she’d done for me. For forgetting twenty-three fucking years of friendship.
Twenty-three fucking years of love.
Keep was right. I did love her. I loved her with everything in me. And I’d been as big a pussy as Justin to leave her the way I did. Because I was scared of how much I wanted her. Of how much she meant to me. Horribly afraid I wasn’t worthy of her and never would be.
Except there was no reason for me to be such a goddamn coward. Cat had never rejected me—not once. Not even in the terrible aftermath of Dad’s death. Every single time she’d been there for me when I needed her. Without judgement. Without criticism.
She loved me.
‘Even if you leave me, I’ll still be here for you. I’ll always be here for you...’
Her voice echoed in my head and the pain was more than I could bear.
‘Thanks, Keep,’ I said hoarsely. ‘I got to go.’
Keep sighed. ‘About fucking time.’