CHAPTER SIXTEEN
MOLLY
I stagger out of Hugo’s apartment, onto the street outside. My chest feels so tight, I can barely breathe. Pain ripples through my torso, and I choke on a sob, pressing my hand over my mouth to try and stop my imminent breakdown. Don’t fall apart now, Molly.
I’ve experienced heartbreak before, but this is something else, something far worse. I’ve lost so much more than my mind can possibly comprehend. Hugo has become one of my best friends, and I just lost him because I was too selfish to just let it go. I wanted something from him he was never able to give. I knew he could never give me anything more than friendship and yet I told him I loved him anyway. Why? Because the stupid little girl in me couldn’t help but believe that maybe, just maybe he would change for her. He won’t, and now I know that¸ but at what cost?
Could we have continued on as friends, me always pining for him, and him continuing to fuck his way through half of London? I know we couldn’t, and I know I have more respect than to stand by and watch that, but right now, my heart hurts. Right now, I would endure and suffer just to keep him in my life.
This is what love does to people. This is what he does to me. He makes me want to suffer and bleed for him, because I love him. Fuck! How did I fuck this up so badly? Who the fuck falls in love with the biggest man whore on the face of the earth? Oh, that’s right, me.
I walk down the road, until I reach George’s red Jeep, which I parked here earlier. As soon as I close the door behind me, a tear streaks down my cheek. I swipe at it, and glance at my reflection in the rear view mirror. The dim interior light reflects off my watery eyes. I look as fragile as I feel, and I feel as if a giant gaping hole has been punched through my chest. I feel like something is missing and irreplaceable. I hurt for Hugo, because he will continue through life, and never know what it is to love someone. I hurt for myself, and my silly childish dreams. I also hurt for Alex, because he does love me, and yet here I am feeling utterly destroyed over another man.
If love were rational, then Hugo wouldn’t even be a factor. Alex would be more than enough. Unfortunately for me, love is far from rational. I have the splintered heart to prove it.
I look away, and turn the key in the ignition. The little car coughs to life, and I pull out into the steady traffic. The lights blur as my eyes water. I bite my lip and turn up the radio, blasting rock music into the car. I will not fucking fall apart. I’m better than this.
I manage to maintain that, until I step inside my flat and find Lilly waiting anxiously for me. She takes one look at my face and rushes toward me, wrapping me in her arms. I lose it and break down right there.
“Shh, it’s okay, Mole.” I literally cry on her shoulder. “It’s okay.” She repeats, holding me tight.
A couple of hours and three bottles of wine later, and it is okay. Sort of. At least I’m not crying any more.
“He does love you in his own way.” Lilly says, her big green eyes full of concern.
I take another gulp of my wine. “He said he will never love me. It’s okay though. I should have known better. You warned me Lill’s.” I laugh humourlessly. “How many times have I given you ‘sensible’ advice? Shame I can’t follow it myself.”
She smiles sympathetically. “No-one ever does. Hell, I didn’t. What is it with us and unsuitable men?”
“Hugo redefines unsuitable.”
“There isn’t even a word for Hugo.” She agrees.
“Just, why? Why him? I must either be fucking stupid, or completely masochistic.” I groan.
“You’re human Molly. And you’re good, too good. You see the best in people always. It’s what makes you so awesome.” She smiles, rubbing her hand over my arm.
“He said something similar. He said that I want to see good that isn’t there. God that’s so desperately bloody sad. I need another drink.” I huff.
“Okay, drink I can do.” She hops up off the sofa, and goes into the kitchen. When she comes back she’s holding a bottle of raspberry Belvedere. Good, I need something strong right now.
The next few days pass slowly. Time always seems to pass slowly when you’re miserable. It’s like life is just mocking you. Amongst all the feelings swirling around me right now, guilt is very much at the fore front.
I’ve been avoiding Alex for the past three nights, making up excuses as to why I can’t see him. The problem is that I can’t look at him and not compare him to Hugo. I should really talk to him. I should tell him that I love Hugo. I should tell him that he could do better, but I’m too selfish. I love him. It may not be the same as the way I love Hugo, but I do love him, a lot. I can’t bear to lose him right now. I know that makes me a horrible person. I can’t face him. I feel like he’ll take one look at me and see what a vile individual I really am. Heartbreak is hard enough to deal with, but paired with the guilt and the self-hatred…I’m drowning under the weight of it all. I just want everything to disappear.