CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
MOLLY
I check my reflection in the mirror, looking closely to make sure the bags under my eyes aren’t visible through the half bottle of concealer I’m wearing. This week has been rough. My heart and my liver have taken a battering. Lilly has been her ever loyal self, ready with a shoulder to cry on and vodka in hand.
I’m done though. It’s time to get my shit together. Life must go on as they say.
I smooth my dress down, and slap on a coat of lip gloss. I’m going to Alex’s flat for dinner tonight. He sent me an ominous text that said he needs to talk to me. That’s never good. I suppose if he’s going to break up with me, then I’d best get all the heartbreak over within one week.
Day four post Hugo, I could no longer keep him at bay. I had to see him, and it made me feel like the worlds shittiest person. He took one look at me, asked me what was wrong, and that was it. The flood gates open, and I cried.
He looked so shocked, he didn’t know what to do, but then, in true Alex fashion, he held me. He never pushed me to tell him why I was a hysterical mess, just offered his unending strength. Of course, this just made me cry harder. I’ve never felt so awful in my life. I cried because Hugo will never love me. I cried because I love Alex, and I know that what I’m doing is beyond horrible. Most of all though I cried because I am being eaten alive by the most poisonous self-hatred. I used him. I used him because he’s my safe place, and he makes me feel like everything will be okay. He’s warm and reassuring. Hugo broke a little piece of me, and the wounded animal in me wants to cling to Alex’s warmth. I let him hold me, and make me feel better, even though he had no idea what he was doing.
Tonight I am going to go and see Alex, and I am going to forget about Hugo. Alex wants me, Hugo doesn’t. If I stop and rationally think it through, I know that Hugo was never really an option. We’re horrible together. He winds me up to the point of wanting to kill him, and I…I will never be enough for Hugo. He needs the parties and the hookers. That’s what makes him happy.
I drive to Alex’s flat, and ring the buzzer. I fiddle with my hair nervously as I wait for him to open the door. God, he must think I’m a total psycho.
I hear the latch click off the door, and it swings open. He’s wearing a pair of jeans and an old band t-shirt, which stretches across his thick muscles.
“Hey.” He flashes me a reassuring smile.
“Hey.” I respond quietly.
He takes my hand, pulling me into the flat, and up against his solid chest. “I missed you.” He breathes against my lips. His arms wrap around my waist, pulling me close to him as he presses his lips against my forehead. Everything in me eases as warmth engulfs me. I press my palms flat against his chest and breathe in the familiar scent of his after shave.
“You feeling better today?” He asks. He’s polite, but I hear what he doesn’t say. Are you going to have another mental breakdown, because I might need a drink first.
I huff a small laugh. “I’m sorry about that.” That nasty feeling sinks into my gut again, and shame crawls over my skin like a swarm of insects.
He places both his hands on my face, tilting my head back until his eyes meet mine. “Don’t apologise. It’s fine.” God, if only he knew. “Just know that I’m here, always.”
I can’t look at him right now, so I lean in and kiss him. His lips mould to mine, keeping the pace sedate where I would sooner kick it up a gear. I want him, right now.
I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him closer as his fingers wind into my hair. I’m soon frantically clawing at his shirt, and grinding against him like a woman possessed.
I just want him. I want him to possess me. I want him to make me forget. I want him to erase everything that came before him, because I want him to be enough. I want him to be everything, because he should be. I want him to know that I love him, and I need him to feel it, because I need to know we’re okay. I need to know that what we have is strong and safe.
I know that my actions are fuelled by all the wrong reasons, but my guilt ridden insecurities are pushing me on. Hugo has left me completely exposed, with every glaring vulnerability on show. Alex has the ability to fix me, because that’s what he does. Hugo destroys everything around him, whilst Alex fixes everything. Hugo has broken me, and Alex will heal me. God, I need him to heal this pain.
I tighten my arms around his neck, and caress his tongue with my own. He responds, but he’s restrained.
He pulls back, breathing heavily as he watches me. “As much as I like where this is going, I really do want to talk to you.” He says.
I groan. “If you’re going to break up with me, then please at least let me have my way with you one more time.”
He frowns, his expression becoming almost stern. “I’m not breaking up with you. Why would you think that?”
“You said ‘we need to talk’. That’s never good.”
His face breaks into a smile. “This is good. I promise.” He kisses the end of my nose quickly and takes my hand, leading me through to the living room. There’s a small table in the corner, which is set for dinner.
He pulls out a chair for me, and I sit.
“Let me just grab the food.” He says as he moves away.
There’s a bottle of red on the table, and two wine glasses. I know Alex prefers white wine, but he always has red, because he knows I like it. I smile as I pour the liquid into the two glasses. I’m curious as to what he has to tell me. Whatever it is, he seems happy about it.
“I’m not the best cook, but I can do lasagne.” He says as he re-appears from the kitchen, carrying two plates.
I smile. “I love Lasagne.”
We eat, we drink, we laugh and we talk. This is normal. This is what I want, stability and safety.
“You seem more like yourself tonight.” He comments.
I try not to let my expression give away my thoughts. I feel my stomach churn as I think of what he witnessed a few days ago. He should never have had to watch me cry over Hugo. Even if he didn’t know that’s what he was doing. I feel dirty and sordid in ways that I never ever thought I would. I’m not one of those girls. Hell, I hate those girls. I would be the first to chastise my own behaviour. The thing is though, things aren’t always black and white. I really wish they were. Life would be so much easier.
“I’m feeling much better. Thank you.”
I watch as he draws in a deep breath. “Molly.” There’s a pause, and I can tell he wants to say something, but he’s struggling with the words.
“Yes?” I prompt.
His eyes lock with mine. “Do you trust me?”
I frown. What kind of question is that? “Of course.”
He pinches the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger. “Not enough to tell me what’s going on with you though…”
I can feel my shoulders start to tense. “I…” What can I even say to that. “I’m a private person Alex. I tend to deal with things on my own. That’s how I am.”
He nods. “You tell Hugo things though…” I don’t miss the flash of pain that crosses his features, and it mimics the pain that grips my chest at the mention of his name.
“That’s different.” I whisper.
“Why is it different Molly?” He persists.
“It just is!” I snap. His eyes widen, and the there’s a deafening silence between us. Shit! I drag my fingers through my hair and take a couple of deep breaths. “I’m sorry.” I say quietly. “I just…Hugo is pushy. He was there when I found out that my dad was coming to town, and he badgered me until I told him what was wrong. He’s annoying as hell when he’s like that, so I told him. He then insisted on coming with me.” I explain.
“I would have gone with you.” He says sincerely.
I smile sadly. “I know you would, but I don’t want you to see that. My father…he’s an arsehole. The only reason I have anything to do with him is because he pays for my flat.” That sounds bad, but I don’t want to get into the whole thing with my mum and everything.
“You let him see it though.”
God, why can’t he just drop it? “Because I don’t care what he thinks. I care what you think.”
“I wouldn’t…”
I hold up my hand cutting him off. “Trust me, my father is not someone you want to meet. My taking Hugo was a ‘face fire with fire’ kind of thing. He speaks arsehole.”
“Okay.”
I glance up at him. “Please don’t take it personally. This is just one aspect of my life that I’m not all that keen on sharing.”
He reaches across the table and takes my hand, rubbing his thumb across the base of my wrist. “Okay. I just needed to know. I hate the idea that maybe he can give you something I can’t.” I bite the inside of my lip to keep the tears that I can feel prickling my eyes, at bay. I swallow the lump in my throat. It hurts, because what he just said is truer than he can possibly imagine, or than I would ever care to admit.
I look him in the eye. “You are everything I need.” I say with complete resolve, because it’s true. I don’t need Hugo, but I crave him, I want him, shamefully so.
A small smile pulls at his lips, as his eyes lock firmly with mine. “That’s good, because I love you, Molly.”
He loves me. Alex loves me. I’m aware of how twisted this situation is.
“I love you too.” I whisper. Oh my god, I’m such a slut. I’m a slut with my love. I have a slutty heart. Surely it’s not possible to love more than one person. I’ve always believed in ‘the one’, you know, that one person who makes you completely blind to all others. That person who, when you see them, you just know.
It’s called ‘the one’, not ‘the two’. There is nothing romantic or beautiful about my torn and battered heart right now. One person should be enough.
I want Alex to be my ‘one’ though. I really do. I could spend the rest of my life with Alex and never be unhappy. I could marry him and have kids with him, and know that he would always be there for me. He would never falter. He would always be safe and supportive. When you think about it, what more could you possibly ask for in life?
He stands and moves around the small table, dropping to a crouch in front of me with a beaming smile on his face. “I know this is happening quite fast, but I don’t see the point in waiting…” Oh god, he’s not…I look down. No, he’s on two knees, not one. Shit. I tell my frozen lungs to breathe again. “Will you move in with me, Molly?”
My jaw drops. I was not expecting that. He can’t be serious surely? “What?” I squeak.
“I know we haven’t been together very long, but I don’t care.” He shrugs. He’s so sure of me, so sure of us. If only he knew.
“Alex, I think it’s too soon.”
He smiles. “Life is short. Sometimes you just know when something is right. I know this is right.” What the hell am I supposed to say to that?
I reach out and run my fingers over his jaw line. “Look, let me think about it, okay?” I can see the disappointment in his eyes, but I can’t give in on this one. Too much has happened in the last week. My emotions are all over the place. Now is not the time to make such a monumental decision. “I just need time. I’m not good with spontaneity.”
He huffs a small laugh. “Okay, I’ll give you time.”
I lean forward, pressing my lips to his. “Thank you.” I breathe against his skin.
He cups my face, holding me, and kissing me back. “I just want to come home to you every night, and wake up next to you every morning.” His tongue brushes my bottom lip. “You make me happy Molly.” He says against my mouth. Could he be any more romantic if he tried?
I bury my fingers in his hair. “You know what would make me happy?” I whisper against his lips, before nipping at his bottom lip.
“Hmmm?” He purrs.
“You.” I gasp. “Naked. Now.”
One hand moves to the zip at the back of my dress and slowly lowers it as his lips skim up my neck.
“I can do that.” He says, as he pulls his shirt over his head. I want Alex to fuck me until I can’t even remember who Hugo is any more.