Chapter 15

His hands were empty. That was his first thought upon waking. As empty as they’d been during the last year, and that was unacceptable. He came up in a rush, hands fisting, gaze cataloging the entire room. Empty.

Where was Ella?

He glanced out the window, noticed dawn was just breaking over the mountains and that it was still snowing. A sneeze sounded from somewhere in the direction of the kitchen. Jude followed the sound and found the reason why his hands were empty.

Ella, head buried in his pantry, gorgeous ass in the air, hummed softly. “You know what, kitty, I don’t see any food for you,” she said as she stood up and backed out of the pantry. “I guess—” She stopped when she spotted him, a wry smile curving her split lips.

She was so lovely. She’d obviously showered and was dressed in a fresh pair of his sweats, another New Mexico State sweatshirt covering her torso. Jude wanted to rip it off her.

“When did you get a cat?” she asked him, a saucy note in her voice.

“I didn’t,” he said, glancing at the tortoiseshell-colored feline.

“She was at the door when I opened—”

He crossed his arms over his chest. “Why were you opening the door?”

She didn’t respond.

“Ella? Give me the truth,” he demanded.

“Perimeter check, okay? I did a perimeter check,” she told him, raising her chin a notch.

Shock ran through him, followed closely by anger. “You went out into that weather dressed like that?”

Her gaze narrowed, sparks flying from her winter-gray eyes. “I put on shoes.”

“She put on shoes,” he muttered. “It’s ten below out there, Ella. We’re in the mountains, and it’s snowing. You need more than just shoes!” Why was he yelling?

“Stop yelling at me. Someone had to do a perimeter check. Your ass was out stone-cold on the couch,” she reminded him.

“We’re safe,” he said firmly. “I wouldn’t have you anywhere you weren’t completely safe.”

She moved to the cat that wasn’t his and began absently petting the animal. The cat preened underneath her hands. Jude wanted those hands on him.

“You and I both know that nowhere is completely safe, Jude,” she said patiently. “And if this cat isn’t yours, where’d it come from?”

“No clue. Put it out,” Jude snapped.

She eyeballed him and crossed her arms over her chest, clearly mimicking his action. “No.”

“What?” He would never make the cat go outside in this weather, but damn—did she have to fight him on everything?

“Jesus, what’s your problem, Jude?”

He lowered his hand and cradled his hard cock, raising an eyebrow mockingly.

She threw back her head and laughed out loud. Her laugh moved him just as irrevocably as her orgasm had last night. A year without her. He’d been half dead when he saw her in Beirut a few weeks ago. Right now, in this moment, he needed to go to his knees and thank whoever was listening upstairs that she was alive and with him.

“Poor baby. You didn’t handle that last night?” she asked coyly, lowering her hands and sauntering over to him.

He shook his head and waved his fingers. “Why go imitation when the real thing is naked and snuggled right there against you?”

She ran a finger down his arm, across his abs and then lower, stopping near his belt buckle, waiting for what Jude had no idea. “Jude, Jude, Jude, you poor, neglected man. Give me a truth, why don’t you?”

She was going to play it that way, huh?

“I want my dick buried inside your pussy so bad I could probably hammer nails with it right now,” he told her with a smile.

“I guess one truth deserves another, doesn’t it?” she asked him, unbuckling his belt, and slowly, so slowly, unzipping his pants. The only thing between her hand and his cock was the cotton of his boxer briefs.

“It really does,” he affirmed with a nod of his head. “Hurry up.”

She laughed, the sound entirely too serious to be joyful, then leaned up on her tiptoes. This put her lips right at his ear. “When Dresden had me strung up in chains, the only thing that got me through was remembering your taste.”

“Goddamn it, Ella. Don’t do that. Don’t bring him here,” he begged her.

“He’s always here now. I’ll tell you everything, Jude. You just have to give me time, okay?”

His cock had softened with her words. There was no pleasure for him when her pain was right there bared between them. He moved to fold her into his arms, but she pulled back.

“Jude, that was only part of my truth,” she said, eyes shining with tears.

He stilled. “Then give it to me, woman. I can handle anything you give me.”

She held her head up, looking him straight in the eyes. “Ella, you don’t have to—” he began.

“No,” she stated emphatically. “You’ll give me this, and I’ll give you what truths I can.”

He fisted his hands. “Not this way, baby.”

“All my body had was pain, but my heart and my soul had…you. You were a phantom covering me, protecting me, always there with me. All I had were memories. Last night, you gave me all of you, taking nothing for yourself. Here’s my truth, Jude. There’s not been a step I’ve taken during the last year that wasn’t for you. There’s not been a thought I’ve had that you weren’t immersed inside of. Not a breath I took that wasn’t with the sole purpose of getting back to you, saving you.”

He closed his eyes against the pain in hers. Then he opened them because not witnessing this was akin to denying her suffering, and while he had no idea what had been done to her, he was willing to let her take from him again and again and again if it eased her.

“You saved me, Jude. And all I can give you right now are the pieces of me that aren’t bargained away to a monster. Will you take what I can give you?” she asked plaintively.

“No,” he said. “But I’ll start with that.”

She took his hand and led him past the cat that now lounged on Jude’s countertop, watching them cautiously. She led him up the stairs, her tiny hand in his, her body calling to him. She led him to his bedroom, where she slowly removed her clothes and took down her hair. Then she looked at him and smiled.

“I want you. That never changed and probably never will. I need you. Something else that will remain unchanged for millennia, I’ve no doubt.” She brushed a hand over his chest and down to his hip. “I need your cock inside me, driving out the darkness and leaving room for nothing but you, Jude. That’s the rest of my truth, right here, right now.”

Jude felt the weight lift off his soul. He had no way of knowing if what they were about to do was being done in the correct order. There was so much unresolved between them. But his body recognized her need and demanded he meet that need with his own.

So whether it was right or not, it was absolutely what they both needed. He was going to let her take from him, and then he’d take from her in turn. In the taking they would both give and strengthen the bond that had stood unbroken the last year.

There would be no sun today, only gray skies that would pour forth their frozen wonder. The room was darker than he’d like, so he flipped on a switch and watched as the yellow glow flowed over her creamy skin. He noticed her flushed chest and peaked nipples, and the frantic pulse at the base of her neck.

The mountains outside his window would crumble before he stopped loving this woman. The sky would fall into the ocean before he stopped needing her.

He removed his T-shirt, sat down on the edge of the bed, and untied his boots before toeing them off, and then he removed his jeans and brief in one motion. “Turn around,” he instructed her, grimacing at the gravelly sound of his voice.

Her eyes widened, fear darkening the depths before she tugged her lower lip into her mouth. He motioned with his hand for her to do as he bade.

Slowly, reluctantly, she turned around, facing the floor-to-ceiling windows that stared out into the freezing day. He approached her stealthily, like a cat about to pounce. He wanted her to feel his determination and strength, and he wanted her to be soothed by it, not scared.

Goose bumps broke out over her skin. He knew her nipples had furled tighter, wanted them in his mouth but bit back the lash of that particular want before he overwhelmed her.

With four strides he was at her back, nose in her hair, inhaling her fragrance and letting it calm him. He raised a hand and stroked it from her neck to her shoulder and then down her arm. “Your skin is so soft,” he whispered gutturally. “I used to watch you get ready and wonder what the hell you were doing to make it so damn silky. Every night I’ve been able to sleep since you’ve been gone, I’ve woken up with the feel of you on my palms.”

He kissed her shoulder and then placed both of his hands on her back. He moved them out to her sides, back up, and then down to the dip of her hips. The raised surfaces on her back told him a story of unimaginable pain and anguish. Her gorgeous flesh sliced open intentionally to hurt and maim. He lowered his mouth and kissed each scar, licking the length of every mark until he was on his knees behind her, his head bowed and resting at the curve of her back.

“I’ll know what happened eventually, but Ella, you should know that every mark I’ve just kissed is a mark of courage. They taste of strength and resolve. They are as much a part of you as the skin I love to touch and the hair I love to feel on my chest when you sleep. They’re reminders that you survived…that you held on to come back to me. I used to watch you enter a room and remember every second of every time I’d had you under my mouth. Nothing has changed for me. Every night I’ve been able to sleep since you’ve been gone, I’ve woken up with your taste sliding down my throat.”

He turned her, coming to his feet as he felt the hot drops of her tears on his skin. He brushed them away from her cheeks before licking them from his fingers. He buried his hands in her hair and stared down at her.

“I dreamed of you when I was awake too, Ella. I dreamed of your eyes always finding me across a crowded room. I remembered your laugh when Micah or Chase teased you. I remembered your sighs when I slid so deep inside you there was no line marking where I began and you ended. I dreamed at night too. And every night I’ve been able to sleep since you’ve been gone, I’ve woken up with your name on my lips.”

A broken sob escaped her as she reached for him, climbing up his body until she had her legs wrapped around his hips and her face against his throat. She shook so hard Jude thought she’d fly apart.

So he held her tighter. And when she kissed his collarbone, he knew she was ready for him, for them.

He placed her on the bed, the dark plaid of the duvet cover a benevolent canvas for Ella’s perfection. She’d changed in subtle ways over the last year. She was thinner, though her breasts still overflowed his big hands. Her waist was tucked tighter, making her hips seem to flare even more. Her legs were long, thighs curving just right into slim calves. She was small-boned, and he was struck anew that she’d managed to survive as an operative.

She was so damn breakable.

She reached for him, and he followed her down, cataloging every breath and gasp, feeling her body give under his, welcoming.

“Love me, Jude,” she whispered.

“There’s nothing else for me to do, El,” he responded.

She cupped his cheek, pulling him to her mouth. She arched up into his body, demanding he move faster, give her more. But it was the first time in a year that he’d had her under him. There was no rushing this.

“Slow, Ella. Let me love you slowly.” Then he proceeded to do just that.

He stroked her flesh, tongued her hills and hollows, pressed against her skin until the heat between them made them one. He kissed her mouth, tugging on the curve of her lower lip until she hissed in a rough breath. He licked her neck, bit down on the spot he knew she loved, and felt her belly contract.

She tugged at his hair, stroked his chest, and sank her nails deep into the muscles there. She leaned up and licked his nipple. His balls drew up tight, and he had to hold himself still to stave off his orgasm.

“Do that again, and this will go much faster than either of us want,” he growled down at her.

She smiled, a sweet curving of her lips, sexy and so blinding he wanted to howl. She arched up again, and he used his palm to push her back down. “No. I’m going to be inside you when I come, and I’ll be feeling you contracting around my cock as I do it.”

She reached between them and stroked him. He felt the heat of her pussy so close, so tempting. She wrapped her fist around him and squeezed. His eyes crossed. “Damn, woman!”

She laughed. “You’re moving too slowly. I need you, Jude. Come inside me.”

She bent her knees, held on to his shoulders, and pushed up with her hips, her velvet sheath seeking his steel.

She was a siren, and he couldn’t deny her any longer. He allowed her to lead him to her precipice.

“I love you,” she said, and her voice rang out in the silence of the room.

“Always,” he responded as he sank deeply with one thrust.

He stilled and stayed that way for long moments, allowing her body to adjust to the intrusion of his. His muscles locked—the joy of being back inside her so absolute that his blood sang. His heart clicked into place, and his body began a slow dance with hers. Stroke, retreat, lick, kiss, repeat.

He lifted her leg and pushed it toward her chest, opening her so he could settle deeper in the cradle of her hips, hitting her clit as he entered her, sliding home. Their breaths mingled, heat rose, their scents peppering the air with a fragrance that was all them.

She pleaded with him to never stop. He vowed he wouldn’t. She pleaded for him to finish her. He promised he would.

Over and over, their bodies met, melting into each other before moving apart, his cock leaving her warm haven only to return home time and time again. The pressure at the base of his spine built. Her moans became jagged pleas, and still the wave of their desire rose. The headboard banged against the wall, sweat slicked their skin, and light coalesced behind his eyelids.

“Come with me,” he demanded of her.

“I am,” she mouthed, though no sound escaped her.

Pleasure reached its crescendo, peaking inside them and spreading out, offering bliss beyond anything Jude had ever known. Every sense he had heightened as he came. He watched her pupils dilate as the pleasure pulled her under. The draw of her pussy walls on his cock forced his release to go on and on until he felt wrung dry but born anew.

He had no idea how he found the strength to hold himself off her enough so she could breathe, but the thought of pulling out of her and moving off her body wasn’t one he was comfortable with. So he stayed where he was, arms shaking as he gave her enough room to draw breath but not separate from her.

He rested his forehead on hers.

“That was…” Her words drifted off.

“Yeah, I’m pretty amazing,” he said with a small laugh. “You ready?”

She opened her eyes and stared up at him. “For what?”

He slowly pulled out of her. They both groaned at the feel of his cock leaving her snug confines. It was an ecstasy all its own.

“For that,” he answered, and even he heard the smugness of his tone.

He rolled over onto his back and she followed him, snuggling into his side as if she couldn’t bear to be parted from him for any length of time.

“You’re full of yourself,” she said with a laugh.

“Yeah, but just a second ago you were full of me too.”

She snickered. It had always been effortless between them.

“I forgot that humility was never your greatest attribute,” she mumbled sleepily.

“Is it vain to know I please the hell out of my woman?” he asked, covering his eyes with his forearm. He would love a nap.

“Nah, but you could at least make an effort to be humble. Gloating is not your best look,” she pointed out.

Her hands stroked his chest, running through the light mat of hair on his chest. They’d once had a discussion about hairy chests versus hairless and which she preferred. He’d been prepared to have every bit of hair on his chest waxed off if that’s what she wanted. “I prefer you,” she’d told him, and it had been the perfect answer.

“My best look is on top of my woman,” he responded.

“Or your woman on top of you,” she quipped. “Let’s try that next.”

He peeked out from under his forearm. “I’m ready when you are.”

She opened a single eye, reached under the duvet he’d brought over them, cupped his semihard cock, and then she smirked. “Sure.”

He laughed and pulled her closer. “Keep your hand right there, baby, and it’ll take no time.”

She wrapped one of her legs over his, draped her arm around his chest, and rested her head on his shoulder. “A truth,” she offered.

“I’m ready.”

“You took him away. The feel of Savidge’s hands on me, the feel of the blade he used, it’s gone. That’s my truth right now.”

His heart stopped for a split second. “Good.”

Within minutes, she was asleep.

He felt something bounce on the bed and raised his head. The stray cat she’d let into his house sat at their feet, staring at him. “Stop looking at me. She’ll be awake soon, and she’ll find you something to eat.”

The cat continued to look at him.

“Seriously,” Jude complained. “Go away.”

Ella made a sound at being disturbed, and Jude held her tighter.

There was no telling where they’d be at emotionally when they both woke up, but right now, they were where they were supposed to be.