Dee, are you free to text?
I just put my daughter to sleep. What’s up?
I’m following through on the vow I made when I left the cemetery and now I just have to get her to go along with it. I’ve gotten through so much this past year and it’s all because Dee’s been there every step of the way. Her words have healed me and her spirit has lifted me. But what I haven’t gotten from her is her physical presence. It’s the missing link and I’m about to rectify that.
When I first texted her, I was barely existing. Spending all my time on the floor by the front door waiting for Alyssa and Alex to come home. Now, when I look back at everything I’ve accomplished since the accident, I’m truly amazed. I moved into a new home and have gotten out of the house more. I’ve spent time with Justin and Chance again and I’ve been volunteering regularly at Austin House. I traveled to New York and started designing and building furniture again. I packed up and sold the Manhattan Beach house and I said goodbye to Alyssa, Alex, and our baby at their gravesites on the one-year anniversary of their deaths. All things I know I never would have done, if not for the invisible person behind the text messages.
I also know I never would’ve been able to become friends with Dani. When she hit Po, just seeing him unconscious would have done me in. Without the strength I got from Dee I wouldn’t have had the ability to hold myself together, let alone become friends with her. I haven’t spoken to Dani recently. What Dee and I have been going through has been incredibly difficult and I wouldn’t have been a very good friend. I’ve avoided seeing her and I hope that when all is said and done, she’ll understand my reasoning and forgive my absence.
Dee’s the most important person in my life and I desperately need to physically meet her. It’s all that I’ve been thinking about. I just hope that she agrees to do this.
Do you trust me?
I know she trusts me with her life. She’s proven that, time and time again, but I need to have her one hundred percent on board. She’s going to completely freak out about what I’m going to ask her. We’ve been over this so many times; always too afraid to cross the line, strangled by the fear of losing each other. But that is NOT going to happen. I will NOT allow it.
Oh my God! YES, E. You know I do. With my life! What’s this about?
I want to meet you…. Face to face.
Meet me???
Mama D’s, YOU and ME! 1/2 & 1/2—half mushroom, half not-mushroom pizza.
In our early texts, we went back and forth about our favorite restaurants. Which ones are the best and what we like to order at each one. We both love Mama D’s but I have a serious issue with having fungus on my pizza. Our compromise was to split the pizza and order what we like on our half. When I decided we were going to meet, it was the first place I thought of.
But…
Look, Dee, we’ve spent this past year saving each other. We’ve scraped each other off the floor, literally. We’ve pieced each other back together over and over and over again. We’ve built each other up through friendship, support, and laughter. We’ve become the best of friends and we’ve found love. We’ve become as close as two people can become without having ever met.
I stop texting to take a deep breath and to send a silent prayer that she’ll say yes. But knowing Dee, she’ll need more reassurance so I continue.
We’ve also been together at the same place at the same time. Yet, we’ve never seen each other. We’ve never heard each other’s voices, never touched. I’m begging you. Just one dinner. Let me hold your hand. Let me gaze into your beautiful eyes. Let me hear the music that is your voice. Please, Dee. I need this! I need to be with you more than I need air or water to survive.
Yes.
FUCK YEAH!
Shit, E! I’m scared…petrified! We can’t screw this up. But when you say shit like that…
Oh thank God! I’m scared too but the need to meet her is so strong it overrules every fear.
I know, sweetheart, I’m scared too! But I mean what I said. We aren’t going to screw this up!
What if we lose us? I can’t lose you, E. I won’t recover!
We know each other too well and I promise you that neither of us will EVER allow ANYTHING to come between us. We can do this. Not only did we survive this past year but we’ve become stronger and all of this was accomplished through text messaging. I never would’ve been able to have achieved any of the milestones I’ve achieved without your support. This has all happened because of you. You, babe!
I’m crying now! Please. Please promise me we won’t lose us. PLEASE!
I promise!
I really fucking do!
Okay, I can get my in-laws to watch my daughter. What time do you want to meet?
Let’s say 5:30. You know they get super busy on weekends. We can have an early dinner and then walk down to the beach and talk.
I’ll be there and I’ll be wearing a green dress to bring out the green in my hazel eyes.
I know she’s going to be stunning on the outside because she’s that and so much more on the inside. She’s smart and funny, compassionate and giving, loving, supportive, sarcastic, and amazingly sexual. It also doesn’t matter what she looks like. She can have one eye and a giant goiter on her neck and I’d still find her incredibly beautiful because I fell in love with her soul.
You, my love, have just made my night! I seriously can’t wait.
That night I climbed in bed with a big-ass smile on my face. The biggest smile that I’ve had all year.
I can’t believe I’m meeting Dee! Actually. Physically. Meeting. Her. I can’t believe she agreed to meet me! I couldn’t sleep at all last night. I wanted it to be the next day so desperately and the clock couldn’t have moved any slower if it tried. I need this with every fiber of my being; a need so strong it’s bordering on survival. I’m so incredibly nervous and so incredibly excited at the same time. This is the last piece of the puzzle. Everything is where it should be and I can finally move towards my future. My future with Dee.
I decide to leave early and walk to Mama D’s. It’s a couple of miles but I need the time to calm down. It’s a beautiful Friday night by the beach and I love walking alongside it. The air is crisp and the sunsets off the California coast this time of year are spectacular.
Since I’m running early, I decide to make a detour and head down to the shoreline. I take off my shoes and roll up my pants to wade into the tide. I want to talk to Alyssa. When I get back to the water’s edge I sit down and look up at the sky and the sun setting over the horizon.
“I’m meeting Dee tonight, Allie,” I say softly. “She’s amazing. You’d love her. I know you’d approve.”
I tell her all about Dee. I also tell her about Dani because I know she would have liked her too. I start to think about Dee and Dani and the things they have in common. I wonder if they ever met if they would become friends; I have a feeling they would.
A lonely tear falls silently down my face. I don’t brush it off. I want to feel it. “I miss you, baby. I can’t believe it’s been a year.”
Other tears trail in its wake as I continue. “Saying goodbye to you, Alex, and the baby was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I didn’t want to do it but I knew I had to, to survive. I know you guys aren’t in that cemetery but it still was so damn hard. Dee helped me.” I chuckle at the memory of how she made me do it. “Actually, she forced me to do it. She’s been forcing me to do a lot of things since day one. It was really stupid how it actually started but it turned out to be one of the greatest things that ever could’ve happened to either of us.” It feels good to be telling her this. I look up at the sky hoping she can see me.
“I never planned on texting her but I was dying, Allie. I couldn’t even pick myself up off the floor. We’ve been good for each other. I fell in love with her. I never planned on loving anyone else but you, but I do love her, with all my heart. She’s become my best friend. Please know though that you’ll always have a piece of my heart. You, our baby, and Alex. Love them for me. Let them know I miss them and that Po’s doing well. I know that’ll make them happy. I will always love you.”
With that, I pick myself up, dry my eyes, dust myself off, and head to my future…to Dee.
When I approach Mama D’s I take a long and deep breath to calm my frazzled nerves and slow my racing heart, as I always do, and enter the restaurant.
“Can I help you?” the hostess asks.
And when I answer, I immediately know that nothing in my life will ever be the same.