Chapter 13
“They’re setting up for the talent show in the lodge. You should come.” Sam’s voice was overly cheerful, as if by sheer will alone she could counter Audrey’s melancholy.
Audrey glanced up at her from her potter’s wheel and didn’t move, her hands still wrapped around the rhythmic turning of the clay. “I’m fine here.”
“Honey, you’ve been holed up in here for days. We’re going home day after tomorrow. I don’t want to see you skipping out on the last of camp.”
Audrey would’ve happily gone home as soon as Hudson left. If Sam hadn’t been with her, she would have. But they’d paid for the full two weeks and Sam was having a blast, so she’d stayed. Everything at Camp Firefly Falls reminded her of Hudson and made her ache—being here in the pottery studio especially. But she’d found it soothing before him, and she’d be damned if he’d ruin that for her, too. So, she’d stayed hidden, avoiding the other campers, and counting down the days until she could leave.
“I’m itching to get back to work.” Which was a partial truth. She was itching to get back to the university, to a world that made sense to her, where she knew the expectations.
Sam knit her hands, her brow furrowed with distress. “Audrey.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re not. You’re barely eating. You’re not sleeping. I’m worried about you.”
Audrey sighed. She’d appreciate the friendship later, but right now, she just wanted to be alone in her misery. “Okay, I’m not. But I’ll be fine when we get home.” Where she wouldn’t think of Hudson everywhere she turned.
“I’m sorry I pushed you into pursuing him.”
“You didn’t push me into anything I wasn’t gunning for myself. And you hardly pushed me into bed with him. I made that decision on my own.” Because it hadn’t been simple attraction pulling them together. They’d found something with each other. Something she’d come to treasure. She just…hadn’t expected he’d let it go so easily.
“Are you in love with him?” Sam asked quietly.
Audrey dropped her head, wishing her hair was loose instead of gathered in a knot at her nape, so she could hide from the question. Because she’d known the answer when they’d gone camping, and she didn’t want to think about the truth of it.
“I think…I’ve been a little bit in love with a fantasy version of him since he pulled me out of that car. But the time with him here? Getting to know the real man? That just blew the fantasy out of the water.”
Sam laid a hand on Audrey’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry he hurt you.”
“He didn’t do it deliberately.” Audrey was rational enough to recognize that. He was drowning in grief and guilt and shoving her away because he didn’t believe he deserved anything good in his life. Not that what he’d said stung any less. “And he never made me any promises. I was the one who tried to change the rules.” Because she cared about him, and she was worried about how he was coping with John’s death. She was still worried. Not that she’d heard from him. He was well and truly out of her life. It was on her to learn how to live with that.
The outside door to the building opened. Audrey hoped someone else was coming to work in the studio and that it would put a stop to Sam’s well-intentioned attempts to talk about this.
Heather stepped into the room. “Hey Audrey. I was hoping I’d find you here. You’ve got a phone call up at the lodge.”
Audrey’s fingers flexed, and the wall of her vase dipped in, the whole thing collapsing. “Who is it?”
“I don’t know, but he was very insistent that he talk to you. He’s still on hold.”
Hudson. A surge of hope had her fumbling to turn off the wheel. She dumped the entire failed vase into the scrap bucket, quickly washing her hands. “Lead the way.”
Was the funeral over? Had he realized he needed her? Did he regret what he’d said? Maybe he just wanted to apologize. The possibilities rolled around in her head like a bag of spilled marbles, shooting off in all directions. By the time they made it to the lodge office, her heart was tripping double time.
“I’ll just give you some privacy.” Heather shut the door behind her.
Audrey scooped up the receiver. “Hello, this is Audrey.”
“Dr. Graham! This is Dr. Feinstein out at UC Berkeley.”
Surprise was quickly chased by disappointment. Of course, it wouldn’t be Hudson. Why should anything have changed with him? He’d made his position perfectly clear.
She struggled to keep her tone professional. “Sir. How unexpected to hear from you.”
“Yes, I apologize for bothering you on your vacation. I got the number from your parents. It’s just that the board has made a decision, and I didn’t want to wait to get in touch with you. We’re delighted to offer you a position on our faculty.”
Shock stole her voice for a long moment. She hadn’t even thought about Berkeley since she got to camp, other than briefly mentioning the interview to Hudson, and here the department head was offering Audrey her textbook perfect job on a platter.
Her brain kicked in. Say something. “I…wow. I’m so flattered.” She ought to be beyond flattered. This was what she’d been waiting for, a chance to get back to the academic fast track and make up for lost time. No one could have predicted that they’d jump at her with the two-year gap in research.
“I’m sure you’re entertaining multiple offers, and we wanted to get in at the front of the pack.”
She listened as Dr. Feinstein continued to talk about the details of the offer, making notes and asking questions, re-engaging the academic side of her brain. And it was good to feel wanted, mollifying to feel respected. This was her world. The place where she was most comfortable. As the conversation continued, she found herself getting excited about academia again. The position would be a challenge. She hadn’t had a real mental challenge, something she could sink her teeth into, since before the accident.
Well, she’d had Hudson. She’d felt…needed and useful trying to help him embrace life again. But she’d failed him in the end. He wouldn’t take his second chance at life. But maybe she could explore that area in formal research. It was something to consider.
“I still need some time to think about it before I give a final answer.”
“Of course. Of course.” Dr. Feinstein was all agreeableness. “We look forward to hearing from you and hope you’ll be joining our faculty this fall.”
As Audrey told him goodbye and hung up, she considered that maybe this was exactly the sign she’d been waiting for.
~*~
Hudson shut the door to Rachel’s house after the last guest. “I’m glad that’s over.”
From her position on the sofa, Rachel kicked off her pumps and flexed her feet. “It was good, though. To hear all the stories.”
“John was well loved.” Hudson crossed back to the living room, slipping off his dress uniform coat and draping it over a chair. “Want a drink?”
“God, yes. There’s wine in the kitchen.”
He poured her a glass, then cracked open the fridge to grab a beer. But there wasn’t one. Because Rachel didn’t drink beer, and John hadn’t lived here in three months. Wishing for something stronger now, he splashed some more of the wine into a second glass for himself and went back to join Rachel on the sofa.
“I’m glad everybody shared their pictures.” She took the wine and continued to scroll through image after image on her laptop. John at picnics or family functions. John around town. Some were of John at work, cleaning or storing equipment or otherwise horsing around the firehouse. Steve was in so many, and so was Hudson. They’d both been an inextricable part of his life, and without them, it felt like everything was unraveling.
“Have you added yours?” she asked.
“Not sure what all I’ve got.” Hudson pulled out his phone and unlocked it before handing it over to Rachel. He took a testing sip of the wine. Not his preference, but it didn’t totally suck.
Rachel had paused on some picture or other, an odd expression on her face.
“What is it?” he asked. Man, had one of the guys taken some kind of compromising picture he didn’t know about? Maybe he should’ve pre-screened what was on there.
She turned the phone around. “Who is she?”
From the screen a familiar, smiling face stared out, pressed cheek-to-cheek with his. Hud felt a stab of pain at the sight of it. “Audrey.”
Rachel rolled her eyes. “Which tells me next to nothing. Who is she to you? A woman you met at camp?”
He took a bigger gulp of wine. “Not exactly. I worked an accident she was in a couple years ago.” He told her about the wreck and how Audrey had ended up at Camp Firefly Falls.
“Wow. That seems like kismet.”
Of course, Rachel, with her gooshy, romantic heart, would think that. “It’s just a small world.”
“You spent a lot of time with her?”
Only every waking minute. “A fair bit.”
“You’re smiling in this picture.”
Hud knew she was fishing. Under other circumstances he’d have shut this line of questioning down fast. But this was as much about distraction for her as interest in what had been going on with him. “Yeah. It was a good day.” She’d made him take basket weaving with her. The corner of his mouth quirked as he remembered her excitement.
“I never thought I’d see that.”
He drained the wine and shrugged. “Haven’t had a lot of cause for smiling since the accident.”
“It’s not even that. I’ve known you since we were in diapers, and I’ve never seen you smile like this, Hud.”
There was no good answer to that.
She laid a hand on his arm. “I’m sorry the timing worked out like this and we had to call you home.”
Covering her hand with his was automatic. “It’s fine.” It was probably for the best. He’d gotten in over his head. Another few days with her and he might’ve started considering something drastic, and that was just crazy. His family, his duty, were here.
“When are you going to see her again?”
There went that pang again. He’d give almost anything for another chance to hold her, to hear her laugh. But that wasn’t gonna happen. He’d made sure of that. “I’m not.”
“What do you mean you’re not?”
“I mean today’s the last day of camp. Everybody goes home tomorrow. She lives in Tennessee.” Or she’d be moving to California or Timbuktu. Somewhere that was far, far away from him. And after how he’d treated her, Hudson couldn’t blame her.
“So? There’s this thing called a phone and modern transportation.”
“Chattanooga isn’t exactly a hop, skip, and a jump, Rach. And I don’t have any of her contact information. Besides all that, she’s not going to want to see me again.”
“Why not? It looks like she adores you. And that the feeling is mutual.”
“We didn’t exactly part on great terms.”
Rachel frowned. “Did she have some problem with you leaving early?”
“She offered to come with me.” How many times in the past few days had he wished he’d taken her up on that offer? How many times had he wanted to reach for her, to feel her arms around him in that calm, quiet way she had?
“Why didn’t she?”
Hudson didn’t want to talk about this anymore. He started to rise, but Rachel tightened her grip on his arm.
“Why didn’t she come, Hud?”
“Because I shot her down.” Even as he’d done it, he’d felt like such an asshole.
“Why?”
“Because you don’t bring a woman you’ve known less than two weeks to your best friend’s funeral. And you sure as hell don’t flaunt her in front of his widow.” He shoved up and began to pace. “I had to shut things down. Things were getting too serious, and I can’t do serious.” Even if he could, he’d destroyed her trust in him, left her bleeding.
Rachel stared at him, mouth agape. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
“Excuse me?”
“You can’t do serious? Hudson, you’re one of the most committed people I know.”
“It doesn’t change anything. My commitment has to be here. To you, to the family, to my company.”
“This isn’t about me or your family or the company. The only thing you’re committed to is acting like you never got pulled out of that fire.”
Hudson stopped dead. “Excuse me?”
“I get that you’re grieving. That’s natural and proper. But John did not haul your ass out of that burning building so that you could curl up and pretend you died anyway. He hauled you out because he loved you. So you would live. This whole retreat from the world and everything good in it routine you’ve had going since the fire is an insult to John and a disservice to everything he stood for. He gave you a second chance at life. How dare you do anything but use it?”
“Use it? What? I’m supposed to just go on, every day, like John’s death isn’t my fault?”
“Yes, damn it. Because it wasn’t your fault.”
“He died because he came after me. I don’t know how you can even look at me.”
“If he hadn’t gone after you, he wouldn’t have been the man I loved from the time I was fourteen. He believed in the job, and I believed in him. We knew the risks. And yes, I lost the love of my life. But I don’t blame you for it. You need to stop blaming yourself.”
Hudson didn’t know what that looked like and couldn’t understand how she could even think it. “How can you be so calm about this? We just put your husband in the ground this morning.”
“Because I lost him three months ago. I knew it. The doctors knew it. Everyone knew it but you. You were the only one who expected he’d wake up.”
“You just gave up?”
“No. I hoped and prayed every day. But he couldn’t come back from that, and it was time for him to let go.” She came to him, wrapping her arms around him in a tight hug. “Now it’s your turn. You have to let go of this half-life, Hud. You have to honor him by living.”
He buried his face in her hair, barely able to speak past the pain in his chest. “I don’t know how.”
Rachel pulled back to look into his face. “I think you know someone who can teach you.”
Wasn’t that what Audrey had been doing the entire time at camp? Encouraging him to embrace life again? He’d done it for her. Now it was time to do it for himself.
Even as he thought it, he remembered the look of devastation on her face. All that time spent protecting her from every imagined danger, and he’d deliberately, callously, hit her where he knew it would hurt the most. The back of Hudson’s neck got hot. “I was an asshole when I left.”
“So, get your ass on the road and go apologize. You have one more night to make it right. Go make the most of it.”
Hudson didn’t know if he could make it right. He didn’t know if she’d ever want to see him again. But he had to go and try to repair the damage he’d done to her and set the record straight.