Chapter Thirteen

The sportscasters were offering an analysis about some play or other that had just happened in the football game.

Nate’s favorite team was playing New England, but he wasn’t even listening to the audio. Didn’t give a shit about the game whatsoever as he sat in the leather recliner across from the TV in the living room. It was merely a habit he’d gotten into over the past few weeks, leaving the television going to fill the empty black void around him with sound so he didn’t lose his mind.

He’d been home for almost seven weeks now. His incisions had all healed, his liver and lungs mostly recovered from the trauma he’d sustained, helped along by various meds and expensive hyperbaric chamber treatments covered by the Bureau. But the residual bruising and swelling in the occipital lobe of his brain that contained the visual cortex left him in continual darkness.

Adapting to his new reality was a constant struggle. He had more blah days now than bad or good ones, the headaches were improving. Usually he was able to fight back and conquer the monster of depression, but today…today was bad.

Despair had him pinned down. Day after day he sat here in this chair, carefully placed in this exact position by the occupational therapist who came every other day to work with him. Trying to get him adjusted to his new life.

One he fucking resented with every fiber of his being.

The sense of isolation was the hardest part of losing his vision. Taya was always around, never left him for longer than thirty or forty minutes at a time when she had to run out for groceries or to run errands. But even she couldn’t lift the veil of blackness. Not even her love and support could pull him out of the darkness he’d sunk into, dragged down deeper and deeper until he didn’t know how to claw his way out.

He was trying his best to keep his shit together but days like this he wished he’d died in the explosion instead of having to endure the probability of spending the rest of his life floundering this way. A tragedy caused by a damn drone, of all things.

The Bureau had found and charged a twenty-two-year-old engineering student for operating it inside a restricted area. Due to the severity of the incident, the kid would likely see jail time.

Nate felt no sympathy for him. Because of that fucking moron, people had died and he was goddamn blind.

His hands tightened on the armrests of the chair. The baby was due in another few months. How was he supposed to be a husband and father when he couldn’t even take care of himself?

God, he hated feeling this way. The depression train he was riding had pulled away from the station and was rolling along the track, picking up steam with each passing mile. Nate didn’t feel like fighting it today, so he let the chaotic thoughts in his mind continue.

He could barely feed himself, couldn’t even shave his own face. Everything in their condo had been carefully positioned and was never to be moved so much as an inch so that he could memorize it all and navigate his way around with the damn cane he was forced to learn to use. There was no goddamn way he could help take care of a baby.

He’d never get to see his own child. That gutted him more than anything. He’d never see his or her face, never be able to watch a Christmas pageant or throw a ball with them.

Life as he’d known it was over, and what lay ahead was terrifying. His career was done. He’d never serve with the HRT again. How was he supposed to provide for his family if he couldn’t fucking see?

He bit down on the inside of his cheek as mingled rage and despair suffocated him, filling his useless goddamn eyes with hot tears. Here he was, sitting on his ass like a fucking useless ornament, completely dependent on others to look after him. An adult child for Taya to have to take care of during what should have been the happiest time of her life while she prepared to fulfill her dream of becoming a mother.

Releasing a slow, shaky breath, he struggled to pull the chute on the gloomy freefall of depression he was trapped on. He felt bad for how he’d snapped at Taya when she’d tried to talk to him before leaving to run errands. Their marriage was suffering under the constant strain, their sex life practically nonexistent. It was testament to just how bad things had gotten that he rarely even wanted sex these days.

A cheer from the crowd in the background drew his attention back to the game on TV, reminding him of what day and time it was. Monday night.

The team was getting together again at Tuck and Celida’s tonight. The third gathering he’d missed since the accident.

Since he’d come out of the coma the guys had all been great, trying to be there for him, but it killed Nate for any of them to see him this way. Helpless as a baby. Especially DeLuca, who was his idol.

Tuck had shown up last night and tried personally to convince Nate to come to the team function. Then Cruzie had called him this morning, trying to change his mind.

Not happening. Nate hadn’t gone to any of the team functions since he’d left the hospital, and he wasn’t going to this one either. Tuck and DeLuca had both told him that the guy who’d replaced him was only there on a temporary basis, and when Nate was cleared to come back, his spot would be waiting for him.

Bull. Shit.

He wasn’t a part of the team anymore and would never be again. The last thing he wanted was to be an honorary mascot or an object of pity. Better for everyone if he withdrew now, distanced himself from all of them and learned to live without them.

His heightened sense of hearing picked up the muted sounds of a key scraping in the front door lock. He didn’t turn his head toward it but he could feel Taya standing there in the entryway, watching him. Probably trying to judge what kind of mood he was in, figure out if it was safe to try and engage him in conversation.

That made him loathe himself even more.

“It’s quarter after five,” she said, the hesitance in her voice putting him close to tears again. Taya shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells around him.

He didn’t mean to take any of this out on her. He loved her. It was just… How could she love him if he was nothing but a burden to her? After everything she’d been through she deserved a hell of a lot more than that. In his darkest moments, Nate allowed himself to consider the possibility of her leaving him down the road. It wasn’t fair for her to be saddled with him and his disability when she had a child to look after.

She cleared her throat. “The get together’s at six. Matt and Sawyer both texted me. Everyone really wants to see you.”

“I’m not going,” he muttered.

Taya was quiet a moment. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.” He bit back the angry words gathering at the back of his throat. None of this was her fault. Taya had been nothing but loving and protective since he’d been hurt, even shielding him from his sister and blocking her calls after her pathetic attempts to manipulate Taya while he was still in the induced coma.

“I was thinking I might go. Just for a little while, to visit.”

It didn’t surprise him that she wanted a break from his miserable ass. She’d done everything in her power to help and be there for him at every turn, and she deserved time to relax with friends. “Sure.” Yet for some reason the thought of her going to a team function without him made something twist in his chest.

No. Going with her wouldn’t make him feel any better, it would only make things worse, remind him of everything he’d lost. And it would make it harder when he pulled away again later. It had to be done, for his sanity.

She sighed, a tired, dispirited sound. “Okay. Are you hungry? I can make you something before I go.”

“No, I’m good. Thanks,” he added, although it didn’t sound that polite.

“All right. I won’t be long, an hour or two at most. Will you be okay?”

“Yeah.” I’m not okay. I’ll never be okay again, and I don’t know how to handle that.

Taya walked past him into their bedroom. When she came out a few minutes later he caught the scent of her perfume. Part of him wanted to grab her, haul her into his lap and just hold onto her as tight as he could. But that wasn’t fair. She deserved some space.

He didn’t want her to leave with this tension hanging between them, however. So he took a stab at making civil conversation, hoping to put them back on better terms. The private pity party had gone on long enough. “You were gone a while. Where did you go?”

“The doctor’s.”

At that he whipped his head around, facing in her direction even though he couldn’t see her. “Why, what’s wrong?”

She sighed. “Nothing’s wrong, Nathan. I had my appointment with the OBGYN.”

What? That had been today? Fuck. He’d been so wrapped up in himself, he’d totally forgotten. Now he felt awful. “Why didn’t you say anything this morning?”

“Because you were being an asshole, and I was sick of you making everything about you, so I went on my own.”

He flinched at the verbal slap, the palpable frustration in her voice. She’d never spoken like that to him before, so full of anger and resentment. But he deserved it. Every bit of it and more. He’d let her down so much, especially today. “God, Tay, I’m sorry.”

She didn’t answer.

Pushing to his feet, he reached for his cane and started toward her. He had to fix this, didn’t blame her for being upset. He’d be utterly lost without her.

She deserved more support than he’d given her. Hell, she’d put the career she loved on hold to take care of him full time without a single complaint. While he’d been moping around feeling sorry for himself, she’d been handling everything on her own and he hadn’t appreciated that the way he should have. God knew he hadn’t put much effort into dealing productively with his situation.

His heart beat faster when he sensed her approaching him, meeting him halfway. It felt huge.

Reaching out a hand, his fingers met hers. He caught them, squeezed them tight as he reeled her in and wrapped both arms around her. “I’m sorry, baby.” He meant it with every fiber of his being. Prayed she’d forgive him. “So damn sorry. And you’re right, I’ve been an asshole. It’s not all about me. I’m here for you too, and I’ll do better from now on, I promise.” Even though he couldn’t see her he could feel her staring at him. Weighing his words and sincerity.

After a long moment, she slipped her arms around his waist. “Okay.”

He exhaled a relieved breath and kissed the top of her head, almost dizzy. “What did the doc say?” Taya was what, around eighteen weeks or so now?

“We did an ultrasound.”

His muscles locked tight. Christ, he couldn’t believe he’d missed it. “Could she tell the gender?”

“Yes.”

Nate swallowed. “Do you know what it is?” They hadn’t really talked about whether they wanted to find out or not. He kind of wanted to know, but he’d respect her decision either way.

“Yes.” She rubbed her cheek against his chest. “Do you want me to tell you?”

He couldn’t stand the suspense. “Yes.”

“It’s a boy.”

Nate squeezed his eyes shut as his throat locked up, the sudden knot of pride and awe there all but strangling him. “A boy.” His eyes burned. They were having a son.

“And he’s just beautiful, Nathan.” Taya’s voice was rough with emotion. “Perfectly formed, all his little organs functioning exactly as they should. I’ve got a picture of his little profile.”

He couldn’t speak. Couldn’t find the words to express what he was feeling. A son. A little boy who would look up to him, depend on him, and needed his father to get his shit together in a hurry.

A gentle hand slid up the back of his neck to stroke his hair. “I know all this is hard on you,” she murmured quietly after a moment. “But we still have so much to be grateful for.”

Overwhelmed, he nodded, hugged her tighter. She was right. If this didn’t snap him out of his funk, nothing would. He’d already lost his sight and career. He couldn’t let the blindness take everything else from him. Couldn’t let it destroy the rest of his life, especially his marriage and the chance to raise their son together. Taya was the best thing that had ever happened to him. “I love you so damn much,” he choked out.

“I love you too. And so do your teammates. Don’t push us away so hard.”

He forced a nod, managed to hold it together. “I won’t.”

She took his face in her hands. “We need you, Nathan. All of us. And so does our son.”

“I’ll be there for you guys. Always.” He’d learn braille. There were audio books and dictation software, and probably thousands of other things that would help him. His brain was fine. He could learn how to use a computer again. Look into what career options he still had. Maybe the Bureau had something he could still do.

Starting right now, he was giving himself a major attitude adjustment. By the time this baby was born, he was going to have his shit firmly together.

Loosening his hold, he eased back from Taya. He froze, then blinked. His heart stuttered. He swore he’d just seen a dim flicker of light in his peripheral vision, coming from where the living room window should be. Tiny dots, like pinpricks.

Taya shifted. “What is it?”

But no. He must have imagined it. All he saw was darkness. “Nothing.”

She leaned up on tiptoe to press her lips to his. “I need to get going. Unless…” A loaded pause followed. “You want to come with me? Just for a little while.”

The unspoken plea in her voice stopped the automatic denial before it could fly out of his mouth.

Actions spoke louder than words. He had to prove to her that he meant what he’d just said.

It was high time he faced this head on and came to terms with it. And he missed the guys like hell.

“Yeah,” he said to her. “I’ll go with you.”