Chapter Nineteen
If only it was that easy…
But every time Avery moved toward the couch, both cats ran as though knowing they were about to be separated. This time they scooted under the couch. Avery smothered a string of colorful words.
He inwardly groaned. He’d definitely rolled out of bed on the wrong side. He sunk down on the throw rug covering the hardwood floor and leaned back against the couch. Maybe he’d reacted too strongly and jumped to the wrong conclusions. But how would his sister have come up with the idea to sell the house without talking to Jillian?
He choked down his pride. “I’m sorry. Would you mind telling me what happened today when you saw my sister?”
Jillian turned around from where she’d perched on one of the two barstools. “Do you really want to know? Or are you going to jump down my throat again?”
“I won’t say a word until you’re done.”
She hesitated as though she wasn’t sure she wanted to talk to him. “Beth stopped by the shop. I was surprised to see her, but she said she didn’t have classes and wanted to see you take part in the Bake-Off competition.”
“Skip to the part about selling the house.”
Jillian glowered at him. “I didn’t tell her to do that. I mentioned something about her being happy about you attempting to purchase the ranch and she agreed.”
“I never mentioned the will to her.”
Jillian got a puzzled look on her face. “I’m sorry if I let the cat out of the bag, so to speak. But I didn’t know it was a secret.”
“So now my sister feels guilty or something and is willing to sacrifice her home to make me happy.”
Jillian paused as though giving his statement some thought. “I think it’s more than that.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I think she’s trying to help you.”
“I don’t need her help.”
Jillian arched a brow. “Apparently, aside from baking, you don’t need anyone’s help. Ever.”
“That’s about right.”
She alighted from the barstool and came over to perch on the edge of the recliner. Her gaze searched him. “Avery, that’s no way to live. You have to let people in.”
He shook his head. “Things are just fine as is.”
“You do realize that your brother is gone. Sure, he’ll come back for the occasional holiday, but his life is now in another part of the world. And your sister, she has plans that extend beyond the borders of Marietta.”
“This is their home. I’m fixing it up for Beth.”
“And so you’re going to sacrifice your dreams in order to keep a house that no one wants?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. It just seems so wrong to sell it.”
Avery didn’t like the way her words poked around the very painful part of his life. It was something he’d never shared with anyone. And he didn’t see how revealing his tragic secret would help anything now.
“Avery, talk to me. What aren’t you saying?”
It was as though she was reading his mind. He didn’t like it. He didn’t need her analyzing him and his actions. “Nothing.” When she sent him a disbelieving look, he added, “It doesn’t matter because it won’t change things.”
“It might, if you’d talk about it.”
“Why do you keep pushing this? It won’t undo the damage I’ve done.” And then he realized that in the heat of the moment he’d admitted too much.
Jillian leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees. “What have you done?”
He sighed as he raked his fingers through his hair. She was never going to give up now. And he didn’t need her taking any suspicions to his sister.
What if he just told her? It would satisfy her curiosity. And she would have to agree that he was doing the right thing under the circumstances.
Jillian got up and moved to the couch. She sat close by but she didn’t touch him. “Talk to me. You know you can tell me anything.”
Normally he’d agree with her, but this was a festering wound that he’d struggled to hide from the rest of the world. Yet with each word that Jillian said, the scabs were being ripped off and the ugly truth was about to escape.
He swallowed hard as he stared straight ahead at the fire crackling in the fireplace. “Way back before my parents died, I knew I hadn’t lived up to their expectations. They wanted me to be the first person in the family to go to college, but I just wasn’t into learning. Everything I needed to know was at the Crooked S. My mother pleaded with me to do something more constructive with my life, which drove a wedge between us.”
Jillian placed a reassuring hand on his arm. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“You were the babysitter. How were you supposed to know?”
She withdrew her hand, leaving a cold spot. An awkward silence ensued.
When Avery glanced her way, he found her face pale and her eyes downcast. This really wasn’t his day. Now he’d gone and upset the two most important women in his life.
He swallowed hard.
“I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. You were more than a babysitter.” He struggled to find the right words. “I just meant that my parents tended to keep their opinions private. So they most likely didn’t mention anything in front of you.”
Her posture seemed to relax a bit. “But I’m certain that they loved you very much. That was abundantly obvious.”
“Maybe to you.” He moved his arm and his hand brushed over fur. He looked down to find Marshmallow next to him. She glanced up and blinked her blue eyes. He ran his hand over her silky soft fur.
Jillian turned his way. “Did you and your parents have an argument just before the accident?”
He shook his head. “It was quite the opposite.” His thoughts went back in time to the point when everything went wrong. “We were actually getting along. I was the points leader in my division and I’d talked them into driving to Wyoming to watch my next competition.”
“I remember because they didn’t go on overnight trips often and they asked me to stay with the kids.”
“In fact, that was the first time they’d ever attended one of my rodeo competitions.” The breath hitched in his throat as he recalled what his need of their approval had cost everyone. He continued to pet Marshmallow, who was now lying snug against his thigh. “If…if I hadn’t talked them into going, the accident…it wouldn’t have happened.”
He didn’t look at Jillian. There would be sympathy reflected in her eyes. And he didn’t deserve anyone’s sympathy. Everything that had happened to his family had been his fault. It was his burden to carry for the rest of his life.
“How can you say that?” Jillian moved to the couch. “You weren’t the one running from the cops. You didn’t T-bone their car.”
The memory of his parents’ deaths had the back of his eyes burning. He blinked repeatedly. If only…
Jillian’s hand rested against his shoulder. He took great comfort in the simple gesture of support. With his free hand, he reached up and covered her hand with his own. He squeezed her hand, drawing on her strength as he finished what he needed to say.
“If I hadn’t talked them into that trip, they would still be here for Beth and Jordan. I robbed my brother and sister of their parents. So I can’t sell the house—their house. I don’t deserve any part of it.”
Jillian’s hand grasped his shoulder in a firm grip. “You’re the only one who believes that. And what about you? You lost the most.”
“How do you get that?”
“Because you not only lost your parents, but you sacrificed your youth and dreams in order to be a loving and caring guardian to your siblings as well.”
“I did what I had to do, and I’d do it again.”
“But what about the future? Your brother and sister are getting on with their lives. You did a great job raising them to be upstanding, independent adults. Now don’t you owe it to them to show them that even when life throws you a curve ball you need to make the best of things and move forward?”
“I am making the best of things.”
“Are you?” Jillian moved to the floor next to him. “If you remain stuck in the past, you never move forward. They will continually worry about you. They may even give up their dreams to move back here to be with you.”
His first reaction was to vehemently disagree with her. After all, what did she know about the situation? And then he realized if anyone knew his family, it was Jillian. She knew every single one of them, including his parents.
Still, this was the first time that she’d ever spoken to him so boldly about something so personal. He looked deep into her eyes. Instead of pity or sympathy, he found compassion and something more. But she glanced away before he could analyze the emotion reflected in her eyes.
He moved his hand as though to reach out to her, to draw her closer. He needed to feel her warm, comforting touch. As she leaned forward, her long golden locks hung down around her face. Once again, he was tempted to feel the silky strands between his fingers.
He reached out, catching a lock with his finger. Instead of glancing away, she continued to hold his stare. There was warmth and understanding in her eyes. Inch by golden inch, he wrapped her hair around his finger. Slowly he drew her closer.
Her gaze never left his. In place of the uncertainty there was now inquisitiveness and—dare he think it—desire. Or was he reflecting his own feelings upon her?
But still, she followed his lead as they drew closer and closer. And then she was there a fraction of an inch away. There was no going back now. His entire being was consumed with his need to feel her lips beneath his.
And then his lips were touching hers. He was gentle—afraid of scaring her away. A tsunami of emotions washed over him, knocking him off balance. It was so unexpected—so moving—that he reached out to her. He gripped her side with one hand and wrapped the other around the back of her neck, holding her close.
This was only supposed to be a simple kiss—nothing more. And yet it was like a chasm had opened up and now he was falling. He’d never ever experienced anything so moving—so gripping.
He pulled back. This wasn’t right. Since when did a mere kiss become so intense? It was like he could lose himself in the kiss, but he didn’t do that—he didn’t lose control.
Jillian blinked and pulled back. She didn’t say anything, but she was studying him. He stared straight ahead at the window, but he could feel her ever-present gaze on him.
He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know exactly what had happened just now. And so he opted to ignore it and pretend that it had never happened.
Jillian leaned back. “Where does this kiss leave us?”
The breath caught in his throat. He was in trouble. He didn’t want to encourage this talk. He didn’t have the answers she wanted. He didn’t even know what the answers were.
“Aren’t you even going to look at me?” she asked.
He didn’t want to. He knew he wasn’t going to like what he found. He’d screwed up. Again. He shouldn’t have kissed her. Jillian was different from other women. She wasn’t one to take relationships lightly. When she babysat for his brother and sister, she took it seriously and really cared about them. So much so that she still kept in contact with both of his siblings.
By now, he thought he’d have something substantial to offer her. But none of his attempts to buy the ranch had panned out. And Jillian deserves so much more than this rodeo cowboy could offer her.
“There’s something I need to tell you. I’m leaving town.”
“To go back to the rodeo?”
He nodded. “It’s my last chance to gain the money I need to buy the Crooked S. I’ve tried everything else and nothing has worked out.”
“And when did you decide this?”
“Today.”
He turned his head and his gaze met hers. In the depths of her blue eyes, he found confusion and anger. He knew Jillian wanted a calm stable life, but he wasn’t in a position to offer that to her. Everything about his life was up in the air. “That kiss shouldn’t have happened. It was a mistake.”
Her gaze narrowed. “Well, that makes it all the better.”
“What’s that supposed to mean? If you’re worried about Glenn—”
“I’m not.” And then ever so softly under her breath, Jillian uttered, “She was right.”
“Who was? Right about what?”
“My mother.” Jillian shook her head. “Never mind. It doesn’t matter.”
He had a feeling he’d missed something important, but she’d turned away. He reached out as though to gain her attention but hesitated. The last thing in the world he wanted to do was hurt her. But at this point he still had nothing to offer her. His hand lowered to his side where it brushed against Romeo, who’d settled between Avery and Jillian.
He’d never really given much thought to cats. He was a horse man. But he was starting to understand what was so special about cats. They were independent, full of personality, and caring.
He moved his hand slowly, not sure if Romeo would allow Avery to pet him. To Avery’s surprise, not only did the cat allow him, but Romeo started to purr too. He’d at least won over someone this evening.
When Jillian’s gaze finally met his, she said, “You do have another choice. You could take your sister and brother up on their offer. At least hear them out. You don’t necessarily have to agree with their plan of action, but you need to respect the fact that they love you enough to do this for you.”
She never ceased to amaze him. Even after what they’d just been through, she was still trying to help him. She would make some man an amazing wife.
“I just don’t know if I can do what they want. I don’t feel like I deserve such a big sacrifice.”
“You do deserve it.” She lifted her hand and cupped his cheek. “You are the only one who ever thought the accident had anything to do with you. Everyone else blamed the criminal who was evading the police. They all considered it a horrific accident. Lighten up on yourself.”
Avery’s phone buzzed. He answered it. It was Beth, worried about Marshmallow. He promised to bring the cat right home.
At the doorway, Avery paused. His gaze met Jillian’s once more. With the cat in his arms, he couldn’t do what he wanted to do—pull Jillian close and kiss her again. It was for the best.
Instead, he had to settle for words. “Thank you. For everything.”
“You’ll hear your sister out before you decide anything?”
He nodded. “I will.”
Avery walked away, surprised by the events of the evening. He’d come here certain he knew what was best for everyone. And now he was walking away with Jillian’s words buzzing around in his mind. Was she right? Should he let his brother and sister make this sacrifice? And if he were to accept his family’s help, was it too much to think this just might be the necessary step to finally win over Jillian?