Chapter 9
The next morning, I have the driver pick me up and take me to Gurnee. The only place I want to be right now is with people who have no idea what’s going on between Miles and me. Ella Hanover greets me at the door and asks Ava to bring my bags in from the car.
“CeCe, I’m sorry you’re not feeling comfortable with Miles. I’ll be sure to talk to him.”
“No, Ella, please don’t do that. We’re fine, really. I just need to clear my head. I have a lot of big decisions to make.”
She wraps her arm around my shoulders and squeezes. “Theo told me about Harvard. How are you feeling?”
“Conflicted. I have a lot going on right now.”
“Well, you have another few weeks before you have to decide right?”
I nod and smile. I know she’s trying to be helpful, but she’s really only making it seem more impossible. I take up residence in the guest bedroom. Ava is so excited to have me around, we end up spending a lot of time together over the next few days.
When I’ve been staying with my surrogate parents for almost a week, Ava comes to my room and perches on the bed. Her honey blonde hair falls around her shoulders. Her high school graduation is tomorrow, so she’s feeling a bit antsy.
“Wanna go to a movie tonight?”
Sounds like the perfect way to get my mind off things.
“Sure. You pick.”
“Yes!”
Ava pulls out her phone and starts looking up show times while I look through my closet. If I’m going out, I might as well look semi-decent. An hour later she’s driving us to see the latest book to movie conversion. After the movie, we grab dinner before going back to the house.
“You know, I can tell something is going on with you, CeCe. Did Miles say something insensitive?”
I sigh. “No, Ava. I just needed a break, really.”
“Alright. Well, when you’re ready to talk, I’m here. I might not be an adult officially, but I’m not completely clueless.”
I study her face. I still see the twelve-year-old girl I met the first time I met Olivia’s family. Ava is full of life and energy. She’s growing up quickly and I can’t help but see the similarities between her and her siblings. She has the same deep brown eyes as her sister, but the same sharp jawline as her brother. I love this girl like my own sister and I realize I have no idea what she has planned for her future.
“Let’s talk about you instead. Are you getting excited for the fall?”
“Beyond excited. I can’t wait to go to college. You and Liv had so much fun, I hope I meet someone as awesome as you.”
“Good luck with that,” I laugh as I pay for our food.
“Well, I know there’s not another CeCe out there, but a girl can dream. Oh, maybe if you go to Northwestern too, we could get an apartment together!”
“As much as I’d love that, you need to spread those wings and find yourself. Have you decided on a major yet?”
Ava nods. “I’m going to be a bit traditional. I want to be a pediatrician.”
“That’s a great career choice. I think you’ll make a fantastic doctor.”
“Thanks, CeCe. Do you think you’re going to stay in Chicago or go to Harvard?”
I’m quiet for a moment, I really don’t know what to say to her. She isn’t Olivia, I can’t tell her about Miles. The best I can come up with is a shrug.
“Well, I think it would be exciting to go to the East Coast. It’s probably gorgeous over there and you’d get to see so much. If you go, can I come visit you?”
“Of course.”
By the time we arrive home, I’m ready to collapse in bed, instead Ava and I scoop heaping bowls of ice cream and decide to play a game.
“Never have I ever. . .eaten a booger.”
I laugh and shake my head. “Never have I ever. . .had blonde hair.”
“Cheater!” She laughs and takes a huge bite of ice cream. When the brain freeze passes, she takes her turn. “Never have I ever gotten drunk.”
“Maybe I should take two big bites.”
Ava giggles as she watches me scoop up a massive bite and stuff it in my mouth. I shake my hands and bounce up and down until the pain stops. This game is worse than a drinking game.
“Never have I ever dated a high school boy.”
Ava grins but doesn’t take a bite.
“Really? How old was the guy you were dating last year?”
“Twenty-two. Would you keep your voice down! Mom and dad were not pleased when they found out.”
“What is it with you Hanover girls and older men?”
Ava shoves me lightly. “Never have I ever had a thing for my brother.”
My heart falls out of my butt. How could she possibly know that? I have two choices, I can either take a bite and confirm her accusation, or I can lie. Ava is watching me closely, her eyes narrowed. I carefully take a very big spoonful and stuff it in my mouth. She grins widely and waits until I finish swallowing before continuing.
“So, now that we have that out in the open. . .it’s time to spill it.”
“There’s nothing to spill.”
“You didn’t lie to me about liking him, don’t start lying now.”
“Fine. Yes, I have feelings for your brother.”
“And? I’m not blind, I’ve seen the way he looks at you. I know he reciprocates your feelings.”
I roll my eyes. “Yes, he reciprocates.”
“What happened?”
I study her closely before deciding that I should share some of the details with her. She’s not stupid, so I think I can trust her to give me a straight, unbiased answer.
“He told me he’s in love with me.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah.”
“And what did you say?”
I’m quiet for a few moments, as I try to remember what I told him. I was so shocked at the time that I can’t even remember if I said anything.
“I don’t think I did. I just told him I had to leave for a while.”
Ava lets out a low whistle. “Ouch. Well, do you love him?”
I don’t know if I can answer that question. I shrug my shoulders and make a non-committal noise.
“Not to be nosey, but you need to stop lying to yourself.”
I take a bite of my ice cream and think about what she said. If I’m being honest with myself I can admit that there is something more than physical attraction there. I do love Miles, I just don’t know if I love him the same way he loves me. Another bite of ice cream and Ava is still staring at me.
“What do you want me to say?” I sigh.
“I want you to admit to yourself that there’s a reason you ran away. And it wasn’t because you don’t feel for Miles. Look, I’m no expert on love or adult relationships, but I can tell something is going on up there,” she points to my head, “that doesn’t match what’s going on in there.”
She finishes her speech by gesturing toward my chest.
“When did you get so smart?”
Now it’s Ava’s turn to shrug. I smile at her before we finish our ice cream. It’s nearly midnight when I sit down on my bed, wide awake and mind racing. I’ve been so overwhelmed with figuring out what I’m supposed to do that I haven’t thought about what I want to do.
After a long sleepless night, I have to give myself a pep talk before I can climb out of bed. Today is the day Ava graduates from high school. My stomach is in knots as I shower and dress for the day. I know I’ll have to face Miles for the first time in a week and it has me all sorts of nervous.
The graduation ceremony starts at noon, and we plan to have one of our big family dinners right afterwards. Once I’m dressed, I curl the ends of my hair and apply my make-up. I find Ava sitting in the kitchen with Ella.
“Morning! Theo should be ready soon, then we can go to brunch before graduation. Everyone is meeting us at the restaurant.”
Great. So I’ll have to be in public when I see Miles. I silently hope that we can get through the day with as little awkwardness as possible. A few minutes later, Theo comes bounding down the stairs and tells us to get to the car.
Olivia and Isaac are waiting for us when we arrive. A quick look around tells me that Miles hasn’t made an appearance yet. I give my best friend and her fiancé hugs before taking a seat at the table. Miles strolls in and joins our group by sitting next to Ava. He hardly looks at me through our meal.
“I can’t believe your wedding is only six months away,” Ella gushes to Olivia on my right.
“I know! It’s crazy, but we’re ready,” Olivia squeezes Isaac’s hand.
I think back to the beginning of their relationship and can’t help but compare it to my relationship with Miles. They definitely had hurtles to jump in order to get to this point; if they can make it, maybe we can too. I try to push the thought from my mind, but can’t help but feel slightly hopeful as I remember all the back and forth those two went through. It was a bit more dramatic than I cared for at the time, but now I’m seeing that things are always dramatic when love is involved.
During the graduation ceremony, Miles and I end up sitting together. I can feel the electric energy crackling between us, but I don’t want to acknowledge it.
“I miss you.” His breath on my neck tickles me when he whispers.
I glance sideways at him. I’ve missed him, too, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to admit it. I’m pretending to listen to the keynote speaker, but all I can think of is the unanswered request in his words.
“You look great.” Damn him.
“Would you shut-up?” He grins at my response.
Infuriating. That is the best word I can think of to describe Miles. I want to grab a fistful of his hair and pull him to me, but that would not only be inappropriate, it would also undermine the purpose of the past week. I need to think. My mind flashes back to the conversation I had with Ava last night. Am I being stupid? How can I keep denying myself what I want most?
“Can we talk later? You could come to the apartment after dinner with the fam.”
I roll my eyes. “I’ll think about it.”
“Good enough for me.”
Thankfully, he’s silent until we cheer loudly when Ava’s name is called. I think about his request; it can’t hurt to at least talk about things.
Chapter 10
After dinner, Miles leaves and I still haven’t given him any indication that I plan to come over. Olivia grabs me by the arm and drags me into her old bedroom.
“Well?”
“Well, what?”
“We’ve hardly spoken in the last few weeks. You have to tell me what happened with Miles.”
“Gah! If I tell you it’s none of your business will you drop it?”
She gives me a sly grin. “You already know the answer to that question.”
I flop down onto her bed and she follows suit.
“I’ll wait.”
I know Olivia well enough to know that she won’t give up until I tell her everything. I roll onto my side and prop my head up with my hand.
“The night after you visited, we kissed. It was hot. I stopped it from going any further though because I didn’t want to cross any lines before we knew where it might be going.”
“How very sensible of you. . .”
I roll my eyes at her. “Yeah, that went out the window the next day at the office.”
“Scandalous!”
I ignore her quip and continue. “It was going alright until he showed up to babysit my meeting with Julio. I told him to leave, but he didn’t. We got into a pretty big fight and I told him I needed to leave to sort through my thoughts. I have too much going on.”
“Sure.” Olivia doesn’t sound sincere when she says it.
“Then he hugged me and I just wanted to take him in. I wanted to get my mind off everything that’s happening.”
“You fucked him again?”
I nod and bury my face in the bed. I don’t know why I feel ashamed. We’re both grown-ups. Olivia shoves me until my face is exposed. I’m not going to get away with only half a story.
“When has sex ever bothered you this much?”
“This wasn’t just sex. It was the most perfect thing I’ve ever experienced. It was really, really intense.”
“Sounds promising, but let’s pretend we’re not talking about my brother.”
I laugh at her. “Well, then he told me he loved me.”
“Awww!”
“I freaked out.”
“Of course you did.”
I close my eyes and take another drink of my coffee. “Why do you say it like that?”
Olivia sits up on the bed and faces me. The gesture reminds me of late night chats in the dorm room, I mimic her position and wait for her to say her piece.
“CeCe, you know how much I love you. But, you have a hard time loving other people. You are so preoccupied with your past that you can’t move on with your future.”
“It doesn’t help that my past has suddenly reappeared.”
“Speaking of that, how are things with dear old dad?”
“I don’t know, I only talked to him the one time. I’m still processing the whole thing. Did I tell you I have grandparents who live in Kenosha?”
“No! Do you want to meet them?”
I shrug. “Maybe someday.”
“With everything going on, have you had time to make up your mind about law school?”
“I’m still pretty torn.”
“What does your gut say?”
I reflect for a few moments before Olivia sighs loudly.
“No, you’re thinking again. You need to tell me what your gut says. Let’s play a game.”
I raise an eyebrow at her but I play along when she asks me to close my eyes.
“Alright, I’m going to say a series of words and I want you to tell me the first thing that comes to mind when I say each word. Ready?”
“I guess,” I’m not sure where this is going to get us, but I’ll give it a try.
“Family.”
A scene from last Christmas flashes in my mind. “Hanover.”
“Ice cream.”
“Chocolate.”
“Love.”
My stomach clenches. “Fear.”
“Chicago.”
“Home.”
“Miles.”
I grin slightly before I can stop myself. “Mine.”
I open my eyes and see Olivia smiling brightly.
“I think you know what that means,” she says as she gets up from the bed and leaves the room.
I look at the clock and realize it’s well past midnight. I grab my phone and call the car service. I’ve made up my mind. I want to be with Miles, I want to get to know my father. So, I’m going to stay and go to Northwestern.
By the time the driver arrives, Liv and Isaac are gone. The Hanovers are in bed. I feel like a teenager as I sneak out of the house as quietly as possible. The drive into the city seems to take forever. My nerves are getting the better of me and I’m not sure why. It’s just Miles. But the more I think about it, the more I realize this isn’t about him, it’s about me. The very idea that I’ve decided to take a chance on a man who truly loves me has me pulsing with excitement.
When I get to the apartment door, I take a deep breath. I fumble with my key in the lock, I’m so excited to tell Miles that I’ve decided to stay. I think about how much it probably hurt to see me walk away right after telling me how he feels. Will he even want to talk to me?
Staying with the Hanover’s has been more fun than I thought it would be, but I’m ready to go home. I turn the knob and quietly open the door, ready to surprise Miles and hopefully have a calm and meaningful conversation. I hear voices in the living room and assume he’s probably watching TV.
When I round the corner I see something that shatters everything I’d been thinking on the drive over.
“Shit!”
The first thing I register is blonde hair, the second thing is Miles. I feel like someone has punched a hole in my stomach. I can’t breathe. Part of my brain whispers, “at least they’re wearing clothes”, while the rest of my brain is spitting out a slew of profanities. Miles practically shoves Chelsea off the couch where she’d had her arms wrapped around his neck and her lips locked with his.
“CeCe, I—“ Miles stands up and holds his hands in front of him like he’s trying to calm a wild animal.
I hold up my hand to keep him from continuing. I can’t fully process what I’m seeing. How am I supposed to process anything he says? My eyes are locked on Miles as he stares at me with a lost look in his eyes. I don’t notice Chelsea until it’s too late.
“I told you. There’s no way you’ll ever be good enough for him.”
My instant reaction catches the heartless bitch by surprise. She recoils from the slap of my hand against her perfectly smooth skin. I can’t believe I just did that, but I don’t regret it at all.
“You bitch!” Chelsea lunges at me but I’m better at this than she is. I stop her mid-swing and shove her away from me. She falls to the floor with a thump and instantly starts crying like a four-year-old girl who didn’t get a pony for her birthday.
I give Miles one withering stare. “I guess I was right. I don’t belong with you. Good luck. See you at the office.”
I turn on my heel and leave the apartment. I don’t break down until I’m in the elevator. Grabbing my cell phone from my purse, I notice my reflection in the mirrored walls. The tears are threatening to form, but I take a shaky breath in through my nose and out through mouth. I repeat this a few more times until I feel like I’ve gained enough control over my voice to talk on the phone.
“Hello?” I’m momentarily surprised to hear Isaac’s voice on Olivia’s phone.
“Isaac? I need Olivia.”
“CeCe? Are you okay? Olivia took a sleeping pill, she had a migraine. What do you need?”
“I. . .need to know if I can stay with you guys for a few days.”
“Absolutely. Do you need me to come get you?”
“Please. I’ll be at Navy Pier.”
In the morning, Isaac excuses himself to go for a run leaving Olivia and I to talk. Isaac had been such a gentleman the night before, he hadn’t demanded an explanation for my late night phone call. I was very grateful for that.
“So, I take it things didn’t go as expected with Miles?”
I’m pulled from my reverie when Olivia plops down next to me on the couch in the home she shares with her fiancé. I take another tentative sip of my coffee before I answer. I don’t even really know what to say. I don’t want to rehash everything; I don’t want to think about it. I just want to move on.
“It doesn’t matter. I should have known better than to let my walls down. I won’t make that mistake again.”
“Cut the crap. I know you too well for that bullshit. Tell me what happened.”
I don’t want to tell her because I’m already halfway through rebuilding the wall around my heart. But this is the only way she’ll understand that she has to leave it alone.
“After we talked, I knew what to do. I wanted to be with Miles, I want to get to know my father. But, when I got to Miles’ apartment I found him with Chelsea.”
“Shut-up!”
“I hit her.”
“That is fantastic.”
“No, that was stupid. You know that bitch isn’t going to let this go.”
Olivia shrugs. “So, now what?”
“I go back to work tomorrow and let Theo know I’ll be going to Harvard. I am not going to stick around pretending to be okay every time he brings that blonde bimbo to Christmas dinner.”
I grab my coffee again and finish it in record time. I’ll just continue living with the Hanover’s until it’s time to move. The only other thing I have to deal with is telling Julio. I hope he understands that I can’t plan my life around his sudden return to my life.