Conleigh
Inside, I sign in and hand over my driver’s license and student ID card. Next, I am patted down and searched. Before I can go to the visitation room, I’m given a briefing about today’s events and what contact is acceptable.
I wish I could’ve brought Ezra with me. His feelings about my father aren’t so great. He thinks he’s a low-down dirty criminal, and maybe he is, but he’s still my dad. He was a guy who made a really bad decision. He’s a man who has been serving his time and paying for that mistake every day of his life. A mistake that cost him watching me grow up. A bad choice that cost him the love of his life.
As I walk into the room, the laughter of children warms me and rapidly eases my nervous mood. If these kids can be all smiles and cheers, I can too, right?
I look around the room, feeling awkward and unsure of where to stand or sit. Kids of all ages, between three and twelve, are laughing, chatting, and playing. The room is somewhat large, filled with picnic style tables and seating. However, the bars on the windows that are high up on the walls of the room, are a startling reminder of where we all are and why. No amount of laughter can change the fact that this is indeed a prison.
Spotting an empty table in the corner, I take a seat and wait. It isn’t long before a woman taps a microphone and asks that everyone please quiet down and find a seat. Three guards circle the room, getting wandering kids to their seats. A young mother and her two boys sit across from me and I give them a brief smile. The boys appear to be twins, who I’ve placed to be aged around five. God, my heart hurts deeply for these boys. This isn’t the way life should be for them, but here they are, all smiles, eager to see their daddy.
“Thank you all for coming. A walk with God is a unique and special program. Our hope is that the children aren’t forgotten, for they are the silent victims. I ask that you all remain seated and quiet while introductions are made. Today will be emotional but rewarding.”
After a small applause, the woman begins calling names of the inmates, one by one. I have to fight tears of my own back as the kids run to their father’s embrace. The expressions on their innocent little faces will haunt me forever. They hold so much hope, love, and a twinge of sadness. Everyone claps every time a father hugs his child.
The event organizers said they didn’t want this to be a sad occasion, but a celebration. For me though, this shit is depressing as fuck. I am thankful to be a part of it, to witness what is taking place today, but I think of all the children who will never have this opportunity.
The men present today are criminals, but I know that good people do bad things—we all make mistakes. We all have good and bad in us.
I keep watching and listening, waiting for the moment where my past and present will collide.
I asked my mother to be present at the event with me when I was first informed that my dad had met the requirements and requested I attend, but she declined. I was hurt and angry with her at first, but now I appreciate that she turned me down. Today is about me and him. No one else should be here to take away from our brief time together.
When it’s my turn, I’m frozen on the spot. I can’t breathe, let alone move from my seat.
“Alan Meyers.” My father steps through the door wearing that lopsided grin, the one he last gave me the last time he hugged me. He scans the room, his once curly dark hair that hung in his eyes is cropped short.
I can feel my tears welling up, threatening to spill out. I have to fight them back.
The man who had once promised me the sun and the moon is scanning the room, searching for his little girl. However, I’m no longer small. I’m grown, an adult really. This caterpillar has she her cocoon.
Finding my senses, I stand. His eyes lock on mine, but I can’t make my feet move. He crosses the room in four long strides.
“Conleigh,” he chokes my name out and holds his arms open.
Feeling much as I did as a child, I can no longer fight my tears as I throw myself into his welcoming arms. This is what peace feels like, getting to see him for the first time in so very long.
The room erupts with praise and joy. We are both crying but today is joyous. I forgave my father a long time ago. I made peace with the choices he made, the mistakes that brought us to today.
I step back as his weathered hands still grip my forearms. He looks me over as I do the same to him, noticing the years have been kind to him. He’s still so handsome and easy on the eyes. It’s easy to see why my mother fell under his spell during her youth.
“You’re all grown up. I…your pictures don’t do you justice. You look so much like your mother. Takes me back.” His smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes. He looks at his feet for a moment as both our arms fall away. I imagine he’s remembering her or maybe thinking back on the little girl he left behind not being so tiny any more.
“I get that a lot, but there’s some traces of you in my smile and my eyes.” I smile at him, wiping away a stray tear.
“Let’s sit, tell me everything.”
We sit down and fall into easy conversation. I tell him about school, how my real passion lies with writing.
“Caterpillar, life is too short. Take it from me. If you aren’t happy now going into teaching, you never will be. Follow your heart and your dreams. Don’t be like me, kid.”
I have to take a deep breath, because his words hit me hard. Harder than I was expecting them to. I don’t want to think about making that choice just yet.
“Enough about me. Tell me something new with you.” My face falls. Immediately, I feel stupid. What could possibly be new with him? He is in prison, nothing probably ever changes here.
“I have news.”
“You do?”
“I’m in prison, not dead,” he jokes, shoving into my shoulder with his.
“I’ve met someone.”
“What? Here?” I scrunch my nose.
“Well, kind of. Online. They have a site where you can chat. Her name’s Beth. I think you’d really like her. She’s a hairdresser.”
I nod, unsure how I feel about this news. I suppose I’m happy for him. I should be happy he has someone to talk to.
“Does she…does she know?”
“That I’m in prison?”
“About me, does she know about me?”
His eyes soften. “Of course, you’re the one thing I did right in my life. You’re the best part of me, Conleigh. The only good part.”
“Dad.” I shake my head.
“You don’t know how good it feels to hear you call me that.”
“Yeah I do.” I totally understand because when he called me caterpillar, my stomach flip flopped and I felt seven again.
The smaller kids and other dads are playing games, but I’m a bit too old for Simon Says.
We talk for a while longer before lunch is served.
He asks how my mom is doing and I tell him more about Ezra; he doesn’t seem too fond of the idea of us living together. Says that I need to slow down and enjoy being young, not be so serious. “Take your time. Don’t rush into marriage. None of it. Really get to know this guy. If he’s really the one, you’ll know.”
Cocking my brow, I ask, “Like you knew with mom?”
“Conleigh, you were the best thing, the best thing that ever happened to me, but if I could have waited another five years to have you or longer, I would have, because I wasn’t ready. Nowhere near it.”
I get that, I do.
“You think you want to marry this guy?”
I shrug. “I don’t know.”
“You love him?”
His question catches me off guard. It isn’t a bad question, but hearing it, I wasn’t expecting to hesitate to answer. I love Ezra, so why am I unable to voice it to my dad? Maybe I do love him, but I’m not in love with him anymore. I shake my head, feeling guilty for even having the thought. Ezra has been with me for two years. We’re perfect for each other, aren’t we?
“Caterpillar, I may not know much, but I do know that if you have to think about it…it isn’t a good sign.”
My face screws up at that. “I love Ezra. You don’t know how great he is, because you don’t know him.”
“True, I don’t, but you’re my blood and deep down in your heart of hearts you know I’m right. That’s why you’re getting upset. We don’t like hearing things about ourselves we aren’t ready to admit.”
I swallow and look away, because deep down, I know he’s right. Ezra and I are headed in different directions. He’s fulfilling his father’s wishes and headed in his footsteps. Soon, he will want a wife and a family. I’ve never had intentions of becoming a young mother or marrying before twenty-five. I want to travel and experience the world. I don’t want a loveless marriage like my parents had.
However, saying and doing are two completely different things. I agreed to move in with Ezra not even a few days ago, because I was so scared to lose him. I was afraid we would break up if I said no. I was afraid of how my life would change if he were no longer mine.
I change the subject and ask him to tell me more about Beth and we talk about her until the end of the visit. When I leave, I promise him that I won’t stay away anymore.