She looked at the door and froze. She didn't know what the fuck she was doing here. The last thing Gabe needed was Nadine’s shit in his life. Nadine could not understand for the life of her why someone like Gabe, someone who had his shit together, would want anything to do with her. And yet…

When Gabe looked at her, everything seemed to right itself in her mind. He steadied her and when she was in turmoil she found herself turning to him, like now. She had been drawn to his place like a homing pigeon. She hadn't consciously made the decision to come here, but here she was. Her subconscious mind had known what, or rather who, she needed and so here she was standing outside his door like some stalker.

She really should turn around and go somewhere else. It was too early in the morning to be dumping this on him. Not only that but he dealt with this kind of crazy every day at work, the last thing he needed was to deal with it at home as well. Maybe she should take the advice he had given her weeks ago and find a new therapist. Maybe then she wouldn't have to rely on him so much and they could just be, well, together. If she could keep all her crazy behind the doors of a therapist’s office then they might actually have a chance of making this relationship work.

So, yeah. She should go. She turned to leave but the door opened.

“Nadine?”

Nadine dropped her head for a moment before turning around to face Gabe. She felt guilty but she didn't really know why. She felt his hand on her shoulder and she turned, burrowing into his chest, her hands gripping the cotton of his business shirt.

“Hey now,” he said as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. “What's going on?”

“Jace and I had a fight,” she mumbled against him.

“Come inside,” he said, pulling her into his apartment and closing the door. “Give me a second to call the office and tell them I'm running late. Do you want coffee? I made a fresh pot.”

He said all this as he tugged her into his kitchen and got her seated on one of the stools by the breakfast bar. He picked up his phone and started to send a text.

“Oh, don't do that,” Nadine said, getting to her feet. “I'll be okay—”

He set down his phone and looked at her with those intense eyes. The ones that wouldn't let her get away with anything when he was her therapist. The ones that felt like they could see into her very soul.

“It's already done,” he said, crossing his arms over his chest and continuing to look at her. “Now tell me what happened.”

“I went out last night—”

“I know. Jace called me looking for you.”

She nodded. “Right, well I ended up crashing at Mandy’s place.”

Gabe quirked an eyebrow. “Mandy?”

“She's a waitress at that coffee shop I go to all time. We've sort of become friends, anyway she's the one I went out with and I stayed at her place last night. When I got home, Jace flipped out. Started yelling at me.”

“Isn't that what you wanted?” he asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, for the last few months you've been saying that Jace has been walking on eggshells around you and refusing to engage, so this morning, he engaged the way you wanted. You guys had a fight, the exact thing that you were saying you needed to get past whatever it was that had come between you two and your relationship.”

“But that's just it,” she said, slumping back on the stool. “We weren't fighting like we used to. Before when we fought I knew it was because he cared about me and was trying to parent me. This was different. He doesn't care about me he only cares about what will happen to the band if I mess up again.”

Gabe stepped around the counter and turned her stool so she was facing him. “That's not true and you know it. Jace loves you. The three of you have been this single cohesive unit for so long that nothing you can do could ever damage that bond.”

“No,” she said, “I don't believe that. The way he has been treating me lately proves that I messed up enough that he no longer gives a shit about me.”

“Nadine that's bullshit and you know it.”

“What? Now you're on his side?” Her voice had risen and she had gotten to her feet once again.

Gabe stepped close and cupped his hands around her jaw, his fingers sliding into her hair and he looked at her with such love that her anger was momentarily forgotten.

“I'm on your side, always.” He dropped his head and kissed her. “But even though I am on your side, I am not going to simply agree with everything you say. You are hurt. Jace has not handled this whole situation very well but I assure you, he loves you. He loves you more than the band or the tour or his career. His anger at you was misplaced worry. He didn't know where you were and he freaked out - proof that he loves you. Stop looking for evidence to the contrary.”

Nadine rested her head against Gabe’s chest. She wanted to believe him, she really did, but he hadn’t been there. He didn't see the way Jace looked at her.

“Can I stay here for a couple of days?” she asked.

He tipped her head up to look into her eyes. “You know you can stay here for as long as you want. You are welcome in my home. I love having you here but—”

“But?”

“I don't want you here because you are avoiding Jace. I want you here because you want to be with me not because you feel you can't go home.”

“So that's a no?” Her anger was slowly rising again, as well as the panic. Had she pushed Gabe too far, just as she had pushed Jace too far? She was always doing the wrong thing and saying the wrong thing, pushing people away when she meant to pull them closer.

“That's not a no, Nadine. Of course I want you to stay here. I would spend every waking moment with you if I could. I just want you to be doing it for the right reasons and not using me as an escape hatch.”

Nadine searched his eyes and found nothing but truth looking back at her. She sighed and leaned her forehand against his chest once again.

“Okay,” she breathed.

He tilted her head and kissed her tenderly. She wanted to cling to him and beg him not to leave her, but she had to let him go. The last thing he needed was a clingy girlfriend.

“Go to work,” she whispered. “I'll be fine. I'm going to lay down for a bit and then go and work in the coffee shop for a while.”

“But you'll be here when I get home?” Gabe asked. “We can have dinner and just watch a movie or something.”

She smiled and nodded. “That sounds perfect.”

Nadine paced around Gabe’s apartment after he left. He had given her a spare key and told her she could stay as long as she wanted on the proviso that she not use it as an excuse to avoid Jace. She had agreed reluctantly. The last thing she wanted to do was face her brother after the things she had yelled at him. Now, with a cooler head, she could see that she may have overreacted. Although there was that part of her, the honest part of her, that believed the words she'd said. She did think the band would be better off without her. She thought Jace and Vanessa would be better off without her, especially after experiencing another blackout last night. That's what was really scaring her. If those blackouts were starting up again, then it would be in everyone's best interest if she just got out now, before she could do anymore damage.

That was how she found herself outside Dre Studios. She needed to talk to Derek. She needed to see if there was a way to leave the band before the tour started.

Nadine took a deep breath and pushed through the doors. The receptionist looked up and smiled.

“Hi Nadine,” she said and then looked puzzled. “I didn't think you guys had a studio booked today.”

Nadine tried to smile casually. “Oh, no, we don't,” she said, “I was just hoping to have a chat with Derek.”

“Let me just call through to his office and see if he's available.”

Nadine walked away while the receptionist - Trish? - made her call. She was nervous. Derek was a friend and they had worked together for years before he became her boss. She didn't want to disappoint him by leaving the band but she couldn't help but think he would be even more disappointed if she stayed.

Trish called over to her. “He's free now if you want to go up.”

Nadine smiled as she walked past the reception desk and headed for the elevator. Her stomach jumped with nerves and she fidgeted with her fingers while she rode to Derek’s floor. With a few deep, calming breaths, she stepped out into the plush suite of offices and looked around. She had only really been here that once before when they met to talk about Gabe.

“Nadine?” a woman said from behind a desk in front of Derek’s big double doors.

Nadine smiled. “Hi, hello. Yes, I'm Nadine. I'm here to see Derek.”

The older woman smiled at her. “You can go right in. He's expecting you.”

Nadine’s hands shook as she reached out to open the door. She forced her breathing to slow and pulled back her shoulders. Nadine had always been fearless. No one and nothing intimidated her. That was until she woke up in hospital with no idea how she had gotten there. Now just about everything scared or worried her and she hated the person she had become. It was time for that to change. She needed to reclaim her authentic self and if that meant she had to leave the band to do it, then she would.

Nadine pushed the door open and stepped across the threshold. Derek looked up from his desk and smiled. It was so odd to see him behind an office desk as opposed to behind sound desk, but he managed to make it look natural.

“Nadine,” he said, leaning back on his chair and crossing his hands over his stomach. “What can I do for you?”

“I’m quitting the band,” she said, glad that her voice didn’t shake.

Derek’s easy, smiling face changed to one of bewilderment. “What do you mean you’re quitting the band?”

Nadine crossed the room and sat in the seat opposite Derek. “Look,” she said, speaking fast so that she wouldn’t have second thoughts. “It’s not working for me. I can’t work with Jace. He doesn’t want me there - none of them want me there.”

“That’s not true,” Derek said. His voice was deep and controlled and his brows snapped down to give him a fierce look.

“Jace barely talks to me and when he does it’s with this condescending ‘mansplaining’ thing that drives me nuts. And then this morning we got into a screaming match over me staying at a friend’s place last night.”

“What friend?”

“I don’t think that matters or is any of your business.”

“We’re all just looking out for you Nadine,” Derek said, a warning in his tone. “You gave us a scare—”

“Don’t you think I know that?” Nadine couldn’t sit any longer and she jumped to her feet to pace. “But no one seems to be able to get past it. Every time the band is together, it’s like they’re reliving that night all over again. How the fuck am I supposed to get past it if no one else will let me? I have been clean for months. I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol and have been working hard but everyone - you included - are treating me like I’m going to go out and do some freaky shit and get myself messed up again. I can’t live like that, like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I refuse to live like that.”

“And you think quitting the band is the solution?”

Nadine threw her hands up in the air. “What else am I supposed to do?”

“Have you tried talking to them—”

“I’ve talked to them until I’m blue in the face and it doesn’t change anything. Not even having Gabe around has made a difference.”

“So what are you going to do? If you quit the band, I mean.”

Derek wasn’t nearly as upset as Nadine had expected him to be, which made her think that this was exactly what everyone wanted. They all saw her as a liability now. Dead weight with the potential to upset their applecart.

“I’ll go back to being a studio musician,” she said confidently.

“You think people will hire you? After what happened?”

Nadine dropped into her chair, stunned. “You mean, you won’t?”

Derek looked steadily at her. “Why would I? You are breaking contract with me. You signed on for the tour and the album. I signed you as a group. Without you, Court’n Jacks ceases to be a group and it means renegotiating a new agreement with the rest of the band, not to mention the loss I will incur because of the failed tour and the album we will have to trash because you are too scared to get back out there.”

“I’m not scared.”

“No?” Derek stared at her. “This sounds exactly like someone who is too chicken shit to face up to the commitment she made. We put everything on hold for you, Nadine. You could have walked away months ago, but now that the tour is a couple of weeks away, suddenly you can’t deal with it and you are grasping at straws in order to get out of it. This has nothing to do with Jace or Stevie or Vanessa. This is all about you.”

Nadine sat stunned not really comprehending what was happening.

“So, no. You can’t leave the band. If I have to I will force the issue, but I’m hoping you will see reason. You are under contract. You need to finish the album and you need to do the tour. No more excuses.”

Reeling from Derek’s uncompromising stance, Nadine found herself seated in a booth at her coffee shop. She had begun to think of it as hers even though she didn’t even know the name of the place. It was just ‘the coffee shop’ or, rather, ‘her coffee shop.’

Nadine pulled out her notebook with one hand as she sipped her latte with the other. She really hadn’t expected Derek’s refusal to let her out of the band. And she really hadn’t expected him to challenge her on her fears. Was he right? Was all this just her fear? Her mind shied away from the possibility. She didn’t want to think of herself as someone who was so ruled by fear. It had never been something that characterized her life except… maybe it did. Hadn’t that been why she’d gone all ‘wild child’ when they were on tour in the summer? Hadn’t it been the fear of becoming her mother that had made her drink and get high as a way to escape?

“Fuck,” she breathed quietly, setting her latte down and picking up her pen.

Derek had been right. She hated that. Not that he was right, but what he had been right about. Even now she was still running from the fear of becoming her mother - even though the doctors had told her it wasn’t going to happen. How did they know, really? It could be inside her. Lying dormant and just waiting for the right - or wrong - moment to raise its ugly head and ruin her life. Not that she needed any help doing that. She had become quite adept at ruining her own life.

“Hey Nadine,” Mandy said as she slid into the booth opposite Nadine.

Nadine looked up and smiled. She needed a distraction. Anything to get her mind off the swirling cesspool of shit that her life was turning into.

“Hey Mandy,” she said. “Not working today?”

“I’m on a break,” Mandy replied. “Are you okay? You look a little tense.”

Nadine sighed. “I had a fight with my brother and then with my boyfriend and then with my record label so, you know, a typical day.”

Mandy snorted and gave her an encouraging smile. “Things can only get better then, yeah?”

Nadine took a deep breath. “Yeah.”

Mandy watched her for a moment before speaking. “I’m a pretty good listener if you want to vent or something.”

The side of Nadine’s mouth tipped up in a rueful smile. “It’s just…” she shook her head, not exactly sure what it was. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m being an idiot, but it feels like no one understands me, you know? I’m trying so hard to be what everyone wants me to be and still it doesn’t feel good enough.”

“I know what that feels like,” Mandy said, tracing a pattern on the table with her finger. “It all seems so simple in your head but to everyone else it’s crazy.”

“Exactly,” Nadine said, nodding. “I thought I had everything worked out in my head. The band is struggling with me being there so I thought I’d do the right thing and quit, but Derek wouldn’t hear me. He said I’m contractually obligated to do the tour and finish the album even though I know that they would be better off without me.”

“No,” Mandy said, shaking her head. “You can’t leave the band. You can’t let them run you off. You’re just as much responsible for their success as they are and you deserve your place in the band. Don’t make it so easy for them to get rid of you.”

Nadine looked up sharply. “What do you mean?” she asked.

Mandy shrugged. “It just sounds like they’re doing everything they can to get you to quit. They can’t kick you out but if they can make it so uncomfortable that you want to quit, well, then they have achieved the same thing haven’t they?”

“You think that’s what they are trying to do?”

Mandy looked at her with pity in her eyes. “That’s what it looks like from where I’m sitting,” she said and then shook her head. “But what do I know? I’m an only child and I’ve never been in a band. Maybe the way they’re treating you is normal.”

But Nadine knew it wasn’t normal. Not their normal anyway. Yes, she and Jace had always had a volatile relationship but never once had she doubted that he loved her. It was only lately that she had begun to feel him pulling away from her, just when she needed him more than ever. Instead of circling the wagons like she thought they’d all do, it felt more and more like they were trying to isolate her.

Mandy jumped up quickly. “Oh, I have to go before I get in trouble,” she said and Nadine saw a bit of panic in her eyes. “I’ll call you later and maybe we can catch up?”

Nadine nodded as she watched Mandy scurry away and then the front door of the cafe opened and Gabe walked in. Her bad mood lifted as she watched him smile when he saw her. They might have had a little tiff this morning, but it had ended on a good note and she was happy to see him.

“Do you have some sort of tracking device on my phone?” she asked as he slid into the seat that Mandy had so recently vacated.

“Maybe,” he replied with a wink. “Whatyadoin?” He inclined his head towards her empty notebook.

“I was chatting with Mandy,” she said, looking around. “I really should introduce the two of you.” Mandy was nowhere to be found. “She must be out the back somewhere. Did you see her when you walked in?”

Gabe looked at her strangely. “There was no one sitting with you when I walked in,” he said. “You were by yourself and looked to be deep in thought.”

She furrowed her brows as she looked at him. “You must have missed her then.” She shook her head to clear it. “So what are you doing here anyway?”

“I thought I’d see if you wanted to meet my sister.”

“Huh?”

“Amaya invited us both over to dinner, if you’re interested.”

Meeting Gabe’s sister terrified her but she had just been confronted with how much she was letting fear rule her life so she nodded when she really wanted to shake her head. “Okay, sure,” she said.

Gabe smiled and it lit his whole face. Had he been worried that she wouldn’t want to meet his sister? She reached across the table and laid her hand on his. “I can’t wait to meet her,” she said.