Brynn

 

 

"You kissed Smith?" Adley's eyes widen. "You're telling me that you made the first move?"

I shake my head. "It wasn't like that, Ad. I kissed him to prove a point."

She grins. "What point? That you like him? That you want to get naked and sweaty with him?"

I can't admit that to her. I haven't fully admitted it to myself yet. That kiss kept me awake all night long. I replayed it in my mind like a lovesick school girl, which is still a part of who I am whenever Smith is within eye shot.

I want to hate him, but my resolve is fading. The kiss has a lot to do with that. The way he treated me afterward did too. He didn't push me in any way even though I could tell that he was thinking about the chip I'm carrying around on my shoulder. 

"I tried to kiss him when I was seventeen and kind of drunk," I admit softly. We're in one of the exam rooms at the vet clinic and the walls are paper thin. I brought Pike in for a check-up on the advice of Dr. Hunt. I was grateful to see Adley's smiling face when I walked into the office.

"We all try and kiss someone when we're seventeen and kind of drunk. If we're lucky, they kiss us back. I take it Smith wasn't into you back then?"

I shrug as I pet Pike's head. "He says he regrets not kissing me eight years ago."

"What was last night's kiss like?"

I brush my fingers over my lips. "I can still feel it in a way. I know that sounds unbelievable, but I can feel his lips on mine. I've never been kissed like that before. It doesn't matter though. It's not like we can ever be together. Too much has happened between us."

"Brynn." Her fingertips tap on my shoulders. "I need to say something, but first I want you to know that I love you."

I pick Pike back up from the exam table and cradle him next to my chest. "Is it about Pike? Did Dr. Hunt tell me to come down here because something's wrong? I know you were still waiting for more tests to come back. Just tell me, Ad. Just say it."

"He's good." She pets that soft spot on his neck. "This is about you and Smith."

"What about us?"

"Dr. Hunt made the entire staff take a course on grief about a year ago. It was tough, but we needed it. We deal with death every day here."

I nod. "I couldn't do what you do. I'd be in tears every single day, all day long."

"I cry sometimes. It's impossible not to when you see people in that raw moment of loss."

I feel tears welling in my eyes as I think about how I'll deal with Pike's death when the time comes. It won't be easy. I don't think I can brace for it, but I'll have Adley to guide me through the grief.

"One of the things I took away from that course is that heartache set its own timetable. One person can grieve for a month, while another takes years to work through their pain." She stops and looks at the floor. "Do you remember my friend Ellie?"

"That beautiful redhead we saw at the park with her kids?"

"Jonas is her son and May is her daughter," she says with a smile. "Ellie lost her sister on the same day that May was born. She still deals with that loss. It's hard for her every year when her sister's birthday comes around."

I'd be broken if Julian died. We're not as close as we once were, but I depend on him to be there. I know he feels the same way about me.

"I'm sorry for her loss."

"I'm sorry for your loss, Brynn." Her voice softens. "I'm sorry your grandma died."

I nod my head silently as I begin to cry. "She died three years ago, Ad."

She taps her index finger on my chest. "Your heart doesn't care about that. It still misses her. It's still angry that she died."

I am still angry. I saw my grandma the day before she died. She was happy and carefree. I remember clearly the last thing she said to me was that she'd see me soon. She passed in her sleep that night from a massive heart attack.

She'd called me Jane when I left her apartment. Her full-time nurse had given me a sympathetic smile as I walked out.  Alzheimer's had just taken hold of my grandma, but she was fighting back. She had more good days than bad right before her death.

"Anger is a big part of grief for many people." She looks up at the tiled ceiling before her eyes focus back on me. "I've seen family members scream at each other when they lose a pet. I've watched people tell Dr. Hunt to fuck off. I've even had people angry with me because I was in the room when Donovan told them it was time to let go."

I sit on her words for a minute, absorbing them. "Anger is a part of my grief, but I'm not mourning my Grandma Caroline anymore. I can think about her without crying."

"Crying is just a small piece of the emotional puzzle we have to put back together after we suffer a loss." She glances up at the large circular clock on the wall. "Dr. Hunt will be in soon to see Pike but I want you to think about something before you see Smith again."

"I'm seeing him tonight. I'm going over to the brownstone for dinner."

"You're going to the brownstone for dinner? The one he bought that you wanted?"

"Yes." I flash a weak smile. I haven't had a chance to explain to Adley about my plans for tonight yet. "I'm going to confront him about it all tonight."

"Brynn." She sighs heavily, her jaw tightening. "Do you like this guy?"

"He hurt me," I reply quickly. "I can't like him if he deliberately hurt me."

"Listen to me, carefully." She steps forward and scoops Pike into her own hands. "I think you're misdirecting the anger you feel about Caroline's death. I don't think you're pissed at Smith because he bought a house you wanted. I think you're mad as hell that Caroline died unexpectedly and you're angry with yourself because you think you let her down in some way. You're associating that with Smith because it's easier to deal with than to face what you really feel."

"No," I interrupt in a huff. "You're wrong."

"It's not his fault that she died, Brynn," she says soothingly. "So he bought a house that you wanted? Do you know how shitty you would have felt after she died being in that house all alone? It would have been pure torture for you."

I've thought about that. I always push those feelings aside and instead dwell on the small amount of time I would have had with my grandma in the house she wanted to live in. I've even tried to convince myself that her heart attack wouldn't have happened if she would have been living in the brownstone. I know it's not true, but the imagined image of her standing at the doorway with Pike in her arms waiting to go in brings me peace.

"It's a house." She enunciates each word. "It's just a house. Think long and hard about whether you're good with tossing this guy out with the trash over this because if you pin him to the wall tonight over a damn brownstone, you're going to lose any shot you have with him. You're pissed off that she's gone. Don't put that on him."

"I'm so mad that she died, Adley," I say through a sob.
"I know you are, sweetie."

What am I supposed to do with all this anger inside of me?" I almost shout, pounding my fist on my chest. "How do I make it go away?"

"You already are." She leans forward to brush her hand over my forehead. "You're talking about it to me. Keep doing that. Go see a therapist if you need to but get it all out, Brynn. Let it go. It's time."

 

***

 

Can I come over now? I know it's not six yet, but there's something I want to talk to you about.

I read my text message over once more before I finally hit send. It's just past five o'clock and I'm anxious to see Smith. It has nothing to do with the brownstone and everything to do with the conversation I had this morning with Adley.

After Dr. Hunt gave me the good news that Pike is well on the road to recovery I took him for a walk in the park by my place before I dropped him off at home.

I spent the entire afternoon with Sonya Lannen going over my rough ideas for the show suite at The Beryl. She was impressed and told me as much. I was grateful for her kind words and even more thankful that our meeting kept my mind occupied.

Adley gave me a lot to think about this morning. I want to start fresh with Smith tonight. I want to see if the kiss can lead to more.

I read his text message the second it arrives on my phone.

I'm ready if you are, Petal. Head over. I'll be here.

He doesn't know that I'm already on East Sixty-Fourth Street. I wanted to be nearby if he gave me the good-to-go. I take a deep breath, look down at the short yellow sundress and nude heels I'm wearing and I start toward the brownstone on foot.

This is it. Tonight I'm going to do my very best to leave the past where it belongs so I can see what the future has in store for me.