CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Abby
I USUALLY STARTED baking at six most mornings.
Today I started at five.
Tanner had been snoring softly when I’d woken at four, giving me precious time to study him. A slumbering Tanner was nothing like awake Tanner.
Asleep, Tanner’s face softened, making him look younger. Awake, tension bracketed his mouth and made his neck muscles bulge a little. Asleep, his lips relaxed into a semi-smile and his head lolled on the pillow all slack and cute.
It made me wonder, had he always been this uptight or had something happened to put him on alert at all times?
He’d dropped another hint about his childhood, about him and Remy, and while I’d never pry behind his back I couldn’t help but wish Remy had spoken more about his younger brother.
I knew next to nothing about Tanner King and I’d been okay with that. Having mind-blowing sex with a guy for a short-term fling didn’t demand shared confidences.
But last night had changed all that.
I didn’t know if it was having him in my space, the only guy I’d ever let into this apartment. Or cooking him dinner and having him rave about it. Or having him tell me that he’d never spent the night at a woman’s place so this would be a first. Or the way we’d connected during the first time we’d had sex in my bed. Or the second. Maybe even the third.
Whatever it was, I knew I was in trouble. Because this short-term fling had started to get to me a little.
I wanted to know what made Tanner King tick.
Realistically, nothing had changed. Once Remy was back on his feet and back at work, Tanner would leave. But I’d overheard him chatting to Makayla yesterday about opening another two clubs in Sydney, which meant he’d leave Le Miel but would still be in town.
After last night, short term had somehow morphed in my head into something possibly a little...longer.
I could lie to myself and say it was the sex. The phenomenal, stupendous, soul-drugging sex. But I’d given up lying to myself around the time I’d walked out on Bardley after finally admitting what a disaster I’d made of my life by kowtowing to everyone and lying to myself that I was okay with it.
So lying was out. Which meant I had to accept the fact I was in danger of falling for my sexy fling. No biggie. I’d have to suck it up, get my game face on whenever he was around and make sure he didn’t see beneath my devil-may-care mask. Because I could care given half a chance and if there was one thing I’d learned during my brief time with Tanner, he wasn’t the kind of guy to develop anything beyond a transient liking for.
I had clear-cut goals and I’d told him as such. No way would I let a little potential crush derail my plans.
I’d already given up so much in my life, had frittered away too many years being someone I wasn’t for people who ultimately didn’t give a crap about me. Emotional ties bred dependence and submissiveness and compliance, so no way would I allow myself to get involved with Tanner beyond the physical.
Moving forward, this time was for me. I intended to be selfish and goal-oriented, allowing nothing or nobody to distract me.
Tanner King in all his sexy, tattooed glory was one big distraction just waiting to happen.
So I wouldn’t allow it.
After fifteen minutes of indulgent daydreaming, where I envisaged waking up to his magnificent body every morning, I’d slipped out of bed and got dressed as quietly as I could. He hadn’t stirred, so I’d left him a breakfast tray next to the bed and a note. He wouldn’t think it out of the ordinary that I’d started work at five, though he might take offence at being advised to slip out the back stairs if he didn’t want to be spied doing the walk of shame.
In reality, I couldn’t face Makayla’s inevitable interrogation if she saw Tanner waltz in here wearing the same clothes as yesterday. For the simple fact I didn’t know what I’d say.
Accepting I’d been idiot enough to be teetering on the brink of falling for him was one thing, admitting it to anyone else another. I could live with my secret. I couldn’t live with Makayla’s endless banter if she discovered it.
For now, I needed to focus on my morning routine to get my head back in the game; and away from the sexy guy lying slumbering in my bed, waiting for a wake-up he’d never forget...
‘Damn it,’ I muttered as a glob of butter plopped onto the floor.
The intricate process of laminating dough to produce my signature Viennoiserie pastries required concentration and skill, neither of which I had this morning if my first effort was any indication.
So I started again. Wrapping a light dough around a layer of butter. Rolling it. Folding it. Rolling it again. Repeating the process over and over to produce a dough with many layers that would result in a puffy light texture that melted in the mouth after baking.
Remy said my almond croissants, pain au lait and chouquettes rivalled the best he’d tasted in France. I knew his excessive compliments were supposed to encourage me so I accepted them with aplomb, all the while wishing I could be half as good as my mentor.
So I toiled away every day, creating and tasting, buoyed by a lighter texture or a richer buttery flavour. Le Miel sold out on a daily basis so I had to be doing something right. And we often had orders for the almond croissants, which were solely my responsibility.
I’d come so far in a year I could hardly believe I was the same person. Thank goodness I’d had the guts to leave that subservient, pathetic people-pleaser who’d given up my dreams to live someone else’s behind.
That was another thing sex with Tanner gave me: empowerment. An intoxicating feeling of power that eradicated the shy girl I’d once been.
Performing my first blowjob might have been intimidating, but the way he’d reacted, the way he’d stared at me afterward...made me feel more powerful than I ever had. I might have been in a subservient position on my knees, intent on giving him pleasure, but the person I’d ended up pleasing was me.
I’d never felt so alive. So dominant. So in control. Heady stuff for the doormat I’d once been.
When I’d first proposed a fling to Tanner, I’d never anticipated that having my sensual side awakened would result in feeling this good. In making my body come alive, he’d also given me something I’d always craved: clout. Command over myself and my choices. The confidence to do what I wanted when I wanted, without regard for anyone else.
Something I’d secretly craved for years but never had the guts to do. Then again, it was easier with Tanner because we didn’t have a strong emotional connection. I didn’t feel the need to say yes to every little thing with him because our relationship focussed on the physical.
Which was exactly why I’d freaked out and come down here early this morning. Because no matter how many times I mentally recited that we were two consenting adults attracted to each other indulging in a short-term fling, after the way we’d connected last night and my desire to know more about him, I had a sneaking suspicion we could move past that.
And it terrified me.
The closer we got, would I be in danger of reverting to the meek, passive people-pleaser who always put others before herself? The woman who felt good about herself by making others feel good first? A guy like Tanner would hate that acquiescent docility and I’d hate myself for doing it.
Crap.
I concentrated on rolling and folding the dough over layers of butter, focussing on the routine to distract from my worrying thoughts, trying to relax. I liked the methodical approach to baking, the knowledge that following a clearly delineated process should result in an edible end product.
The routine calmed me, something I craved to deal with the riotous, out-of-control feelings ricocheting through me every time Tanner popped into my head.
He was there. A lot. Front and centre. Tanner shirtless and defiant in his private room at the club. Tanner stalking towards me in the storeroom. Tanner licking carbonara sauce off his lips. Tanner naked and sated, sprawled across my bed like he owned it.
Hell.
I opened the oven to slide the first batch of croissants in, the radiant heat not helping my fiery cheeks.
Baking might be comforting, but as a distraction from the hot male in my bed upstairs it left a lot to be desired.
Time to bring out the big guns.
I’d nail the elusive croquembouche today if it killed me.
Anything to divert me from the yearning to head back upstairs and have Tanner nail me.