Chapter Thirty-five
Phil was late to pick up Liam and then forgot to pick up food on the way home. “Just order a pizza,” he told Katie, handing off Liam to her. “I think he needs a diaper change.”
“No way.”
“I’ll give you ten dollars.”
“Twenty.”
“Fifteen and make sure he’s completely clean and dry.”
Phil continued upstairs, pausing beside Logan, who was on his way down. “How was your history test?”
“Good. I think I got an A. Is Mom home?”
“She has a late meeting. Katie’s ordering a pizza.”
Logan’s lips turned down. “I liked it better when Mom didn’t work. We’re always ordering in.”
“We need to support Mom. She’s happy.” Phil touched his shoulder as he continued by him and up the stairs.
When he returned to the kitchen Katie was feeding Liam. “Where’s Logan?”
Katie inclined her head. “Where do you think?”
“Daddy!” Liam banged his tray.
“Hey, buddy.” Phil patted the top of his head. “Where is he?” he again asked Katie.
“In his room, hiding from Liam. Liam waved at him and he just turned around and left. It’s starting to hurt Liam’s feelings. His little lips turned down.”
Phil looked toward the front of the house, debating whether or not to talk to him. He’d thought after their three days together on the slopes Logan might be a little warmer to the idea of Liam, knowing he was still getting quality time with his father. That clearly wasn’t the case.
“I can talk to him later if you want,” Katie said. “Or maybe I’ll have Matt talk to him and tell him how much it sucks to have a dad that doesn’t care about him.”
“What are you talking about?” Phil frowned at her. “Don’t compare me to Matt’s deadbeat father.”
“I was comparing Logan to him. Obviously you care about him.”
Phil didn’t see the correlation, but he was too tired to verbally tangle with Katie. Instead he pulled a beer out of the refrigerator.
“Daddy.” Liam waved at him.
Phil smiled, taking a chair beside Liam’s high chair on the opposite side as Katie. He stole a Cheerio from Liam’s tray, making an exaggerated motion with his mouth as he chewed it. Liam took a cheerio and imitated his father.
“I think he’s smart like me,” Katie said. “You know, not just IQ smart but wise, too. I can see it in his eyes.”
“Speaking of smart, how are the college apps going?”
“Done. I’m going to Maryland.”
“What do you mean you’re going to Maryland? With your grades and SAT score, you’re going to have a lot of options.”
“I don’t need options. I already got into Maryland. I did the early admissions thing.”
“Who said you could do that?”
“I did. It’s my life. I get to decide where I go to college.”
“Does your mother know?” Annoyance flared in his chest that this had been kept from him. He’d wanted her to go out of state and get away from Matt.
“Daddy!”
“Just a second, buddy.” Phil continued to stare at Katie.
“I’m not like Megan. I don’t have a need to share every little detail of my life.”
“Deciding on a college is not a little detail,” he said through clenched teeth.
“To me it is. Why are you getting so upset?” She put a spoonful of rice cereal into Liam’s mouth.
“Because I think you chose your college based on your boyfriend, and that’s the wrong reason.”
“You gave up a scholarship to Duke and went to Maryland so you could stay with Mom. What’s the difference?”
“You aren’t your mother and me. That’s the difference.”
“It wouldn’t have mattered what we said,” Lina said when Phil told her about Katie a few hours later. “Did you really think she was going to leave him?”
“I hoped.” He was sitting on the edge of his bed, leaning forward with his elbows braced on his knees. “Logan ignored Liam again.”
“You didn’t say anything to him, did—”
“No,” he interrupted. “I didn’t want my wife to get mad at me.”
“Thank you.”
***
Phil was leaving his office on a Friday in the middle of February when he received a text message from Kim asking if he wanted Liam for the weekend.
“Do you think you could give me a little more than an hour notice next time?” he asked when he arrived at her house.
“Something came up.” She stepped back from the door. “He’s in the family room.”
There were a couple of small suitcases and a pair of ski boots to the left of the door when he came into the foyer. “You’re going skiing?”
“Something came up,” she repeated.
“And something came up Wednesday night and something came up Monday. You’d rather go skiing than spend a fucking weekend with your son.”
“How would you like to try being a single working parent with full custody of a one-year-old? It’s not exactly fun. You get to waltz in and out of his life while I do all the work. I have an idea. How about if you have him all the time, and I visit him twice a week and every other weekend? How about that?” She raised her eyebrows. “Exactly,” she continued when he didn’t respond. “Easy to criticize me when the truth is you don’t want to deal with him full time any more than I do.”
Phil was still upset about his run-in with Kim when he arrived home with Liam.
“Would you run Logan to Will’s?” Lina asked as soon as she saw him. “I need to shower if we’re still going out to dinner. Katie said you’re paying her and Matt to babysit.”
“Is he ready?” he asked, handing Liam over to her.
“Yes, he’s just watching television. Is everything okay?”
“Fine. Logan, let’s go,” he called out.
Logan came from the family room. “Bye, Mom,” he said, completely ignoring Liam as he disappeared into the mudroom.
“I’ll be back.” Phil kissed Lina and stroked his hand down Liam’s head before following Logan out into the garage.
“What are your plans?” Phil asked Logan as he drove toward Will’s neighborhood.
Logan shrugged. “I don’t know. Just hang out, I guess.” He was patting his hands on his thighs in beat with the music streaming from the stereo.
“How about Tiffany?”
“I’ll probably see her.”
“You should invite her over. I still haven’t met her.”
Logan nodded, continuing to slap his thighs. “I will.”
“How about tomorrow night?”
Logan’s hands stilled. “I’m going to still be at Will’s.”
He was avoiding Liam. How had he missed that? “Isn’t one night enough with him?”
“I already told him I’m staying until Sunday.”
“How about if I pick you up in the late afternoon tomorrow? That way you’ll have the day. I don’t like you missing church. You’ve been away on a lot of Sundays.”
“I’m going with his family. And I already told him,” Logan repeated. “We have plans to go to a movie tomorrow night.”
“Avoiding him isn’t going to make him go away, Logan.”
In an instant Logan’s entire demeanor shifted from relaxed to tense. He crossed his arms over his chest and turned his head toward the window. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“What are you afraid of?”
“I’m not afraid of anything. If you hadn’t cheated on Mom, he wouldn’t be here. Which means he shouldn’t be here because you shouldn’t have cheated on her.”
Phil’s hands tightened on the steering wheel. “You’re right. I shouldn’t have cheated on her. There’s also no way I can go back and not have done it. You have a brother whether—”
“He’s not my brother,” Logan snapped. “Stop calling him that.”
“Don’t use that tone when you talk to me.”
“You don’t want to hear what I have to say. You only want me to agree with you.”
“That isn’t true, Logan. I’m trying to have a conversation with you right now. Why don’t you talk to me instead of the goddamn window?”
Logan turned his head from the window, staring at his father. “The only siblings I have are the ones you had with Mom. He isn’t Mom’s son and he isn’t my brother, so I wish you would stop trying to convince me he is.”
“You share DNA. He is your brother,” Phil said, managing to keep his voice level.
“Not if I don’t want him to be,” Logan said stubbornly.
“That isn’t how it works. You can’t just wish things away. This is life. Things happen.”
“He happened to you, not to me,” Logan said.
“You’re acting juvenile. Your behavior, running away from your family, is juvenile.”
“Katie’s right. You’re always trying to tell us what to think. You can’t make me care about him. I don’t care about him. I wish he had never been born,” he fumed.
Phil took a deep breath, trying to maintain his temper. “He’s innocent. If you want to be angry at someone, be angry at me.”
“I am angry at you,” Logan bit out.
“What do you expect me to do, abandon him? What kind of man would I be if I didn’t acknowledge him?”
“The same kind of man that would have him in the first place,” Logan mumbled, again looking out the window.
“What did you just say to me?” Phil snarled. They’d arrived at Will’s, and he threw the car in park. “What did you say?”
“Nothing.” Logan opened the passenger door.
“Look at me, Logan!” he exploded.
“What?” Logan paused with one foot out of the car, clutching his backpack against his chest.
“You think you’re in a position to judge me?” He was livid. “You’re holding an innocent little boy responsible for my actions. Whether you like it or not, he’s your flesh and blood. He’s your brother.”
“No, he isn’t,” Logan said, shaking his head, tears shimmering in his eyes. “He’s your bastard.” He was out of the car.
“Logan!” Phil threw open his car door, struggling with his seat belt as he scrambled out of the car. “Logan, get back here!”
Logan ignored him, running up the front walk and into Will’s house.
***
Lina was humming while she dressed for dinner. She was happy. She’d spent the better part of the day playing with bathroom ideas for the Columbia property. After weeks of struggling, she was finally mastering the software program, giving her the ability to quickly see her ideas unfold in virtual reality.
The sound of her cell phone buzzing caught her attention. She was surprised to see Will’s home number.
“Lina, it’s Joan Ellis. I debated whether or not to call and then thought I would want to hear from you if Will showed up at your house distraught.”
Lina dropped down into a chair. “Logan,” she whispered.
“He was crying when he arrived. He seems better now. He wouldn’t share what was wrong, but I thought I should let you know.”
“Did something happen with Logan?” Lina met Phil in the garage before he was even out of his car.
“Yeah. He said some awful things to me. He reached a new low.” He slammed his car door closed.
Lina’s heart sank. “You promised me you wouldn’t talk to him.”
“I didn’t intend to. It just happened.”
“Wait.” Lina fisted the lapel of his coat when he tried to walk past her. “What did you say to him?”
“I just wanted him to come home. It escalated from there. I should have exercised more restraint. Then I wouldn’t have his fucking words in my head.” He continued around her and into the house.
Lina rubbed her hand on her forehead, releasing her breath.
***
A fierce protectiveness gripped Phil when he saw Liam sitting beside Katie and Matt on the rug in the family room watching a ball roll down a spiral tower. He kneeled down beside him. “Hey, sweetie.”
“Daddy!” Liam lost interest in the tower, throwing himself at Phil.
Phil felt Liam’s warm face press against the side of his neck. He breathed him in, taking in his powdery scent. He rose to his feet with Liam in his arms.
“We need food. That shouldn’t come out of the fifty you’re paying me to watch him,” Katie called after him.
“I can get us food,” Matt said.
“No. You shouldn’t have to pay. We’re doing them the favor. We had to cancel our plans. Dad, do you hear me?”
“I’ll pay for your dinner.” Phil pressed his lips against Liam’s head as he headed toward the front of the house, swallowing down the lump in his throat.
“Daddy, Daddy, Daddy,” Liam chimed between slobbery openmouthed kisses to the side of Phil’s jaw as they ascended the stairs.
Phil was stretched out on his side on the floor in Liam’s nursery, helping him build a block tower, when he saw Lina pause in the doorway. “I just need a few minutes with him.”
“Mama!” Liam smiled.
“Hi, little man.” She came farther into the room, pulling her legs under her as she sat down on the floor with them despite wearing a dress. “You’re messing up your suit.”
Phil placed a block on the top of the stack Liam was building.
“He didn’t mean it. Whatever Logan said to you. I just texted with him. He’s upset. He asked if you’re mad.”
“I’m not mad. I’m disappointed in him.”
“That’s not fair. This is a complicated situation for him.”
“It is, but he’s fifteen, not five. He’s responsible for the words that come out of his mouth.”
Phil hesitated outside Logan’s partially closed door. He’d just returned from dropping Liam at Kim’s. Logan had arrived home an hour earlier, just after seven p.m. and immediately went to his room, offering only a mumbled “hello” on his way past the family room, where Phil had been stretched out on the floor building a soft block tower with Liam.
Phil tapped on Logan’s door before stepping into his room. Logan was lying on his bed with his eyes closed, earbuds in his ears, and his cell phone resting on his stomach.
“Logan?”
Logan’s eyes immediately opened, and he scrambled to sit up. “Hey.”
“Let’s take a walk.”
As they headed down the driveway toward the road a few minutes later, Phil asked, “Are you warm enough?”
“I’m good,” Logan answered. “I’m used to it from walking him.” He nodded at Knight, who was trotting along several yards ahead of them. “Do you think he’d be good to run with?”
“Sure. It may be difficult at first, training him to stay at your side and not follow scents, but that probably wouldn’t take long.”
They walked on in silence for a few minutes before Phil began to talk.
“Do you remember the time you fell at recess and had to get stitches in your chin?”
“Mom wouldn’t let the doctor stitch me up because she didn’t want me to have a scar. She made them get a plastic surgeon.”
“That’s right.” Phil had forgotten that part. They’d ended up having to wait another two hours for the surgeon to arrive. Phil had tried to convince her that it didn’t matter if a boy had a little scar on his chin, but there was no reasoning with Lina. Logan’s face was not going to be marred.
“How about Megan’s appendicitis? Do you remember that? You and Katie came to the hospital with us.”
“In our pajamas. And then Grandma came and picked us up.”
“Do you know why we did that?”
“Because you had to take her to the hospital and you couldn’t leave us alone. We were too little.”
“But why did both Mom and I have to go? Why didn’t one of us stay home with you?”
“I guess you both wanted to be there.”
“That’s right,” Phil said. “It’s the same reason I came to the hospital when you cut your chin. I didn’t want you to go through that without me there to support you.”
“Why are you bringing all this up?” Logan asked.
“The night before Thanksgiving, Liam’s mother took him to the hospital with a high fever. She didn’t know what was wrong with him. She asked me to come, but I didn’t because I didn’t want to leave your mom and you kids.
“A month later she offered to let me have Liam for Christmas. I said no because I didn’t want to bring him into our house during our family holiday. Because of that decision, he woke up on Christmas morning in a stranger’s home. When I picked him up several days later, he had the imprints of another kid’s teeth on his back. His mother had left him in the care of a person who wasn’t fit to watch him.
“Do you know where I was when that was happening? I was with you, your sisters, and your mother in our nice house while he was frightened and away from everyone he knew.” He paused, taking a moment so he could keep the emotion from his voice. “He’s a one-year-old, Logan. Twice over the course of one month, I wasn’t there for him. How many times have I not been there for you?”
“I don’t know,” Logan mumbled.
“Zero,” Phil answered. “I have always been there for you. The answer is the same for your sisters. You have always been my priority. Protecting you and keeping you safe is my responsibility as your father.”
“We weren’t your priority when you were with that woman.”
The words were like a punch to his stomach.
“I’m sorry,” Logan mumbled. “I shouldn’t—”
“No. Don’t apologize. You’re right. I failed your mom. I failed you. I failed your sisters. I brought pain and shame to my parents. I didn’t behave like the man they raised me to be. There is one other person I failed, and besides your mother, I think I failed him most of all. And that’s Liam.”
“Can we just not talk about this?”
“No. We’re going to talk about this. When I’m done, we never have to discuss Liam again if that’s what you’d like. That little guy who had teeth marks on his back is my responsibility. He’s as much my son as you are. I know you don’t like hearing that, but he is. And because of my transgressions, he’s going to have a much more difficult life than you. He doesn’t have me full time like you do, and he has a mother who left him with a stranger so she could go on a vacation without him—that’s his reality. And as wrong as it is, people will look down at him because of the circumstances surrounding his birth, circumstances he had no control over. They may even use derogatory words to describe him.”
“I’m sorry,” Logan said. “I shouldn’t have said it.”
“No, you shouldn’t have. You don’t have to have anything to do with him, Logan. I’m not going to pressure you to accept him into our family—that’s your choice—but I will not allow you to disrespect him, ever. Is that clear?”
“Yes,” he said, dropping his chin. “I’m sorry.”
“And you’re not disappearing on weekends anymore. This is your home. It’s where you belong. Your mother and I only have two and a half more years with you before you leave home, maybe permanently. I’m not losing you any more than I have to. We have a large house. You can figure out how to coexist with him.”
***
Two days later Phil was staring into the mirror above his bureau, tightening the knot on his tie, when the doorbell rang. He frowned as he looked at his watch. It was only seven.
“Was that the doorbell?” Lina called out from the bathroom.
“I’ve got it,” Phil answered. He was halfway down the stairs when he heard Kim’s voice.
“Could you get your father?”
“You shouldn’t be here,” Logan said. “You need to leave.”
“Tell your father that the nanny didn’t show up, and I have court. He can deal with this.”
When Phil reached the foyer, he found Liam and Logan standing about five feet apart, staring at each other. He strode past them, yanked open the front door, and caught up with Kim as she reached her car. “What in the fuck are you doing? You can’t just leave him here.”
“I have court,” she said as she dropped down into the driver’s seat. “I can’t very well take him with me.”
“This isn’t my problem.” He gripped the top of the door so she couldn’t close it. “I can’t watch him today.”
“Then get your wife to. Because I can’t do it.” She pulled on the door. “Let go.”
“You need a live-in.”
“Fine. But I don’t have one right now, and I have to get to court.”
Phil reluctantly released the door, stepping back as she sped away. “Fuck!” He dragged his hand down his face. As he headed back up the walk, he saw Liam, dressed in his pajamas, standing in the open doorway watching him, a smile lighting up his features.
“Hey, buddy.” He lifted him up, noting there was no sign of Logan. He felt a swell of annoyance that Logan had left him unsupervised until he saw him watching them from halfway up the stairs.
“What’s going on?” Lina asked as she passed Logan. “Was Kim here?”
“Yes.”
“Mama.” Liam smiled.
“Hi, sweetie.” She stroked her hand down his back. “What are you going to do?” she asked Phil.
“I need you to watch him. I know you’re supposed to go to Bethesda today, but—”
“I have a nine o’clock meeting. I’m presenting. I can’t just call in.”
“I have client meetings all day,” Phil said, attempting to keep his voice level. “I have to be there. I’m sure you can reschedule.”
“No, I can’t.” She shook her head. “It’s an important meeting.”
“It’s not as important as my meeting,” Phil bit out.
“I can’t believe you just said that.”
“My meetings feed our family.”
“My job is important to me. I’m not calling in.” She continued down the hall.
“Lina,” Phil called out, following. “Would you at least call your mom?”
“They’re in Florida.”
“I need your help right now. I wouldn’t be asking you if there was any other way.”
“I took care of him the last two times this happened. It’s your turn.”
An hour later Phil arrived at Hurte, Dunlop, and Smith with Liam in tow. As soon as he stepped off the elevator, every female in the vicinity was surrounding him, cooing and aawing at Liam. Within moments he was passing his son off to a female associate and making his way to his office.
“Good morning.” Anne smiled as soon as she saw him.
“I have my son with me today,” he said. “He was just dropped in my lap. I have—”
“I’ll take care of him,” Anne interrupted. “Where is he?”
“In the lobby probably.” He handed her Liam’s diaper bag. “Maybe you can call a service and they can send someone out to watch him or…” He trailed off, not sure what to say.
“I’ve got it,” Anne reassured him. “Don’t worry about him.”
“Thank you. Remind me to give you a raise,” he said over his shoulder as he went into his office.
***
Lina was too busy worrying about her presentation to think about Phil and Liam, but as soon she returned to her office after a successful meeting, guilt set in for leaving Phil to deal with Liam on his own. It was a little before noon. She stared at her cell phone, debating whether or not to call him and see if he needed her to come home. She knew William wouldn’t care if she left, but she did have a lot to do and doubted she’d get much done with Liam underfoot.
After a few minutes of pondering, she sent Phil a text. Everything okay?
It took him five minutes to reply. Yes. Under control. I’ll see you tonight.
Deciding to take him at his word, she pushed Liam and Phil out of her mind for the remainder of her workday, concentrating instead on a new bathroom design. When she arrived home at five, she was surprised to find Phil’s car missing from the garage.
“Where’s Dad?” she asked Katie, who was lying on the couch in the family room reading.
“I don’t know,” Katie answered, not looking up from her book. “I’m not his babysitter.”
Lina took her cell phone from her purse and called him as she walked back into the kitchen. “Where are you?”
“Just leaving the office.”
“Where’s Liam?”
“With me.”
“You took him in with you?”
“I didn’t have much of a choice, Lina. I’ll see you soon.”
“Mom?” Logan had come up beside her.
“Hi.” She ran her hand down his arm. “How was your day?”
His hands were pushed deep into his pants pockets, and he was looking down at his feet. “I wanted to tell her what a bad person she is.”
He was talking about Kim. She cupped the side of his cheek, lifting his chin up so she could see his eyes. “I prefer that you just ignore her.”
“I’d thought about it for a while. What I’d say if I ever saw her. But then my mind just went blank.”
“It’s okay. I don’t want you talking to her.”
“You’re ten times prettier than she is.”
“Thank you.” She brushed her lips over his cheek. “I love you.”
It wasn’t until they were in bed and lying in the dark that Lina brought up the morning’s events to Phil. “That wasn’t fair. You expected me to drop everything this morning. I may not make as much money as you, but I have responsibilities. I have people counting on me, people who think what I’m doing is important even if you don’t.” She’d been thinking about it all day, vacillating between guilt for leaving him and anger that he’d expected her to stay home. At the moment she was feeling anger.
“I didn’t say it wasn’t important.”
“Yes, you did. You said your meeting was more important.”
“My job is what supports us,” he said after a few seconds. “We couldn’t live on your pay alone.”
“This isn’t about money. My career is important to me. I was a stay-at-home mother for more than eighteen years. I’m not doing it again.” She rolled away from him.
“I’m not asking you to.” He molded his body into the back of hers. “Don’t be mad. Today was an extraordinary situation. There was no warning. I was scrambling.”
“No, you weren’t. You were trying to get me to scramble—to change my schedule. You made me feel guilty, and I didn’t like it. It ruined my day.”
“I’m sorry. The last two times you managed to handle it, so I just—I just assumed you could again.” He brushed his lips over her shoulder. “I wasn’t trying to make you feel guilty.”
“I love Liam. I do. But I don’t want to be a stay-at-home mom again. I like working. It’s important to me.”
“I understand.” He wrapped his arms around her. “I’m sorry I made you feel bad. It wasn’t my intention. In the future I’ll just ask and not make any assumptions, okay? I know he isn’t your responsibility.”
Her anger diffused in response to his words. “It’s not about that. I love him, and when I’m available I like to spend time with him. It’s just today wasn’t a good day.”
“I know, baby. I’m sorry I made you feel bad.”