Zander is supposed to be here in an hour and I still have to get rid of D who can’t seem to figure out what she wants to wear to go out with Davey. I roll my eyes and brace a hand against the doorframe of her room.

“It’s just clothes, D. Pick something.”

She’s sitting in the middle of her floor with clothes piled around her. “It’s not just clothes. What if I meet the love of my life tonight and he doesn’t like my outfit so he doesn’t take the chance to come and talk to me?”

I chuckle. “You’re batshit crazy. Pick something so you can get ready and leave. I don’t want you here when Zander gets here.”

She pumps her brows up and down. “Oh yeah, I know what you two will be doing tonight. Just keep it off the sofa, I have to sit on there too.”

I’m about to tell her I can’t promise anything when the doorbell rings. “I thought you were meeting Davey at his place?”

“I am,” she calls to me as I open the door, D’s sister’s standing there with her four-year-old son, Benny.

“Oh, hi, Sav. Hey, Benny.”

Savannah worries her lip. “Tay, is D in?”

“Yeah, is everything alright?”

I let them into the apartment and she shakes her head. “D?”

“Sav?” D walks out of her room while still pulling down her dress. “Benny boy!” Benny runs into D’s arms and she lifts him up, squeezing him tightly.

“You’re squishing me,” he chokes out.

“What’re you doing here?” D asks after letting Benny go.

Savannah’s lip starts to wobble but she holds in the tears I can see glistening in her eyes. “I’m scheduled to work tonight and Trent was supposed to be looking after Benny but he’s not answering his phone. My shift starts in an hour and I can’t cancel. I really need the money.”

“You need me to look after him?”

With a sheepish expression on her face, Savannah replies, “I know it’s last minute, but I have no one else to ask.”

D snorts. “Mom still being awkward about letting him sleep over?” When Savannah nods, D looks over at me and I shrug.

“It’s fine, honestly. I’ll just cancel and we can all stay in together.”

Savannah turns toward me. “Oh shit, did you have plans?”

“Mommy said a curse,” Benny chimes in, bouncing up and down on the sofa. I cringe thinking about the cream material underneath his feet.

“It’s fine, honestly. It was only a little date.”

She gives me a grateful smile and then in her flustered state hands D a Spider-Man bag. “I have to go or I’ll never make it across the city on the subway at this time of night.” She starts backing away toward the door, giving Benny a kiss on the head on the way past. “Mommy loves you, be good.” She looks at D. “His pajamas and bunny are in there along with—”

“Sav? Just go, I’ve looked after him before. We’ll be fine.”

Savannah sighs and blows us a kiss. “I’ll pick him up tomorrow morning. Thanks, guys.”

She shuts the door behind her and D places my cell in my hand. “You don’t have to cancel. Why don’t you take the date to his place?”

I think about what he said yesterday about there being no more spontaneous trips to his place, but I’m assuming he was talking about spontaneous hookups. We already had a date planned, why does it matter where it is, right? The food is already prepared, all I’d have to do is bag it up and take the subway.

Making up my mind, I type out a text to him telling him the situation. As I wait for a reply, I drum my fingers on the kitchen counter watching D and Benny play superheros in our tiny living space.

I don’t receive anything back for ten minutes, but when I do he gives it the go-ahead and tells me I’m not taking the subway, he’ll be here to pick me up in around twenty minutes.

“Everything all set?” D asks as I’m placing the last bit of Tupperware in an old IKEA bag.

“Yeah, I think I’ve got everything.”

She rakes her gaze down my oversized sweater and legging combo. “You look cute.”

I snort out a laugh. “Thanks. We said we were keeping it casual tonight so this’ll do.”

Carrying the bag over to the door, I grab my purse and slip my feet into a pair of brown leather boots before putting on my coat. “I’m going to go wait down there, I don’t want to be lugging this down the stairs and making him wait for me.”

“Text me when you get there.”

“Will do. Bye, Benny.” He gives me a quick side wave, already enamored by whatever cartoon is on TV.

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” she singsongs.

“So pretty much anything is on the cards.”

We laugh at my joke and she waves me off. “Go, I’ll see you later.”

I say goodbye and close the door behind me, walking down the stairs and out of the building to wait on the sidewalk. He said he’d only be twenty minutes so he’ll be here any second now.

Not too much longer and Zander pulls up to the sidewalk, leaving the car running as he gets out. He frowns looking up and down the street. “What are you doing out here alone?”

I pick up the bag of food and place it in the footwell of the passenger side. “Figured it’d be easier than you walking up three flights of stairs and down again.”

I slide onto the seat and shut the door, but he doesn’t join me for a few seconds. When he climbs back in, he leans over and kisses me on the cheek. “Don’t do that again, it’s not safe for a woman to be on the streets on her own at night.” My heart flutters at his protectiveness, he’s not telling me what to do because he wants to, he sounds genuinely concerned.

“I won’t,” I tell him as he pulls out of the parking spot and drives us to his place.

He opens my door for me and takes the bag of food out of my hands when I climb out. “I should’ve gotten this for you back at your apartment.”

“I can carry a bag, please don’t go all nineteen-fifties on me.”

He drapes the handle around my shoulder again with a smirk. “Fine. You can carry it then.”

I chuckle and walk through the door he opens for me. “Happy to.”

He takes my coat as I set the bag and my purse on the kitchen island. “What are we having?”

“Mexican,” I state. “It’s all prepared, all I need is your oven pre-heated and we’re good to throw it all in there.”

He turns on the oven before opening the refrigerator and pulling out a bottle of red wine. “I got you this, I don’t know if it’s any good or if you even like red wine but it’s here if you want it.”

I snort as I look between the bottle and refrigerator. “Red wine is meant to be room temperature.”

He frowns. “It is?”

“Yeah, but it’s alright, I’ll just stick with non-alcoholic beverages tonight.”

He places the bottle on the side. “Alright then, you’re spoiled for choice. We have water or water.”

I place my pointer finger on my chin. “That’s a hard decision, I guess I’ll have… water.”

We fall into an easy rhythm as I cook and he warms the plates. Every so often he keeps touching his temple whenever I ask him something about himself and I wonder if he’s conscious he’s doing it or whether it’s a habit.

After nachos and enchiladas, I’m so stuffed I couldn’t eat another bite. Zander clears up the plates and tells me to choose a movie, leaving me in his living room. I flick through the movie channels but there’s nothing I’m interested in watching so I make my way back into the kitchen, leaning against the doorframe and watching his biceps flex as he washes everything by hand and then rinses it under the tap.

He starts to dry things and I finally speak up. “I could’ve watched a whole movie to myself by now.”

He jumps slightly. “Jesus Christ, woman, I didn’t hear you come in.”

He places the dish in his hands on the counter before picking up another as I walk toward him. He stills when I run a hand over the tattoos on his forearm, trailing my fingertips across the intricate designs, stopping on a quote on the inside of his bicep that reads: No man is fit to command another that cannot command himself.

As I run my fingers over it, Zander’s eyes flutter closed and he sucks in a deep breath, gripping the plate in his hand. “I have to finish drying the dishes.”

I pry the plate out of his hands and he seems reluctant to let it go, opening his eyes and gazing into mine. I don’t know what he holds in them, but I know whatever it is, he’s a complicated man.

I have no judgement, I try to show patience and understanding. I can feel he’s a good man with a lot to offer, but just like when I first met him, there’s something that feels dangerous, like a cobra waiting to strike. I try to show that I’ll wait for him to open up to me on his own, but it’s going to be hard. It’s not the way I’m wired.

Several agonizing seconds pass by, our chests brushing against the other’s as we breathe, not moving an inch before his arms wrap around my waist, one of his hands sliding down my spine and onto my ass.

I don’t wait for him to make another move, I press my lips against his. I don’t care that he has a story, a past, I’ll be ready and waiting for him to tell me. For now, this is enough.

The kiss slowly turns from sweet and sultry to passionate and hunger-filled. He runs his tongue against the seam of my lips and I gladly let him in, our tongues stroking together in a battle both of us want to win.

In one swift motion he lifts me up onto the kitchen island and pulls me against him, the blatant bulge in his jeans rubbing against my core, never once breaking contact with my mouth.

The way his hands run over my body, caressing and stroking as if he’s committing it to memory feels more than lust. He’s not rushing anything, he’s taking his time, exploring every curve underneath my sweater.

I dip under his t-shirt, the warmth of his bare skin against my palms leaving me wanting more of him. I want to feel his bare skin all over mine.

I grip the edges of his t-shirt as he trails his mouth down my jaw, peppering kisses against the sensitive skin of my neck, and when he reaches my chest I tug, pulling the t-shirt over his head.

In a matter of seconds, he has my sweater off and is pulling my bra to the side, sucking on my nipple and licking his way across my skin. A throaty growl comes from his chest as he kisses his way back up to my mouth, grasping my chin between his thumb and forefinger.

“I want you,” he grinds out, his lips brushing against mine. “Fucking all of you.”

“You can have me, but I’m asking for the same in return.”

He hesitates, his eyes closing as he presses his forehead to mine. “I can’t give you promises, but I can say I’ll try, baby.”

* * *

I gather her against my chest, her slender legs wrapping around my hips as I cup her perfect ass and lift her off the counter. I tried, kind of, to not initiate anything from happening, but when she looked at me with so much understanding written over her face like she had no reservations about me, I snapped. My resolve was long forgotten and all that was left was me and her.

I walk us through the hallway slowly, her mouth connected to mine making it hard to see where I’m going. We make it to the bottom of the stairs when the front door opens and a voice I know all too well calls out, “Z, you in?” I turn us around, Taylor looking flustered like she’s just been caught making out by her parents, my gaze connecting with Kai’s. His brow furrows and his face screws up. “Well this looks cozy.”

I carry Taylor back into the kitchen before letting her down. She picks up her sweater and puts it on, staring at me with wide eyes.

Tension swirls around Kai like a volcano ready to erupt. I know she can feel it too, it’s palpable, a living thing surrounding us. I frown as he saunters toward us, his eyes guarded.

“What’re you doing here?”

He looks Taylor up and down before setting his focus on me. “My flight landed an hour ago and I thought I’d come and see my best friend.” He smirks. “Didn’t think you’d bring me a welcome-home gift though.”

He moves toward Taylor and I step in front of her. “Don’t.”

His lips lift, but it’s not the easy-going grin he normally has, this time it’s different. “Why? We share all the time.”

“You fucking know why.”

He has the gall to laugh in my face. “She’s got you under the thumb, hasn’t she?”

I clench my hands by my side. “Get out, Kai.”

His gaze flicks down, a brow rising as he lifts his hands in the air. “You said we’d talk when I’m back and here I am.”

“Not right now,” I grind out, trying my best to stay in control of my feelings. I’ve never been angry at Kai before but he’s acting like an asshole right now. I watch him look at Taylor again, a frown marring his features. Then it hits me. “I fucking see how it is now. Everything you said on the phone.” I laugh. “I’m a fucking idiot. Here I was thinking you were just trying to look out for me when in fact you were jealous all along. You wanted her to yourself so you were trying to make me wait until you got back to make a move.”

His eyes widen before an angry expression takes over his face and he glares at me. “Fuck you, so what if I did?”

“Guys, stop,” Taylor says from behind me, but she gets ignored as I move closer to Kai.

“That was a fucking dick move and you know it!”

He doesn’t back down or flinch as I near him. He’s ripped himself, but he’s nowhere near as big as me. “What I know is that you’re only using her as a release to distract yourself.”

“What’s he talking about, Zander?” Taylor asks.

A muscle in my jaw ticks from how hard I’m grinding my teeth together. “It’s not like that. Don’t throw that shit in my face.”

Hurt flashes across his features before his expression turns stony again. “It’s always like that with you. You can’t control everything and everyone around you, no amount of sex, tattoos, or working out is going to fix that. When are you going to get that into your head?”

“She’s not just sex to me!” I shout, reining in my anger while trying to convey to him this is the real fucking deal. I’ve never been more serious about anything before.

“You know what… I’m done.” He starts backing away from me, looking over my shoulder at Taylor. “I hope you like them fucked up…” He gazes back at me. “Because you can’t change him. Once he’s gotten over the high, it’s right back to square one again, chasing for a new release.”

“Just because you’re able to hide how fucked up you are doesn’t give you the right to tell me how I need to live my life.” If Taylor wasn’t here, he wouldn’t be standing right now that’s for sure. “Get. Out.”

“Fucking gladly,” he spits out, turning on his heels and slamming the door behind him.

I don’t move for a second, feeling my muscles vibrating with tension and anger. My blood pumping adrenaline through my veins at lightning speed. After seven years of friendship and experiencing everything alongside me, he knows exactly what to say to hit me where it hurts.

This wasn’t how I saw tonight going at all.

I eventually get the courage to face Taylor. Her expression is a mix of shock and confusion.

“I’m sorry about him, I don’t know what’s going on.”

“Clearly.” She clears her throat and seems to snap out of her daze. “What the fuck is he talking about ‘using me for a release’?” I stare at her, a ball clogging up my throat, not able to give her an answer. “Well?”

“I don’t know,” I find myself saying, spouting complete bullshit her way. There’s no way I can spin this in a way to make it sound any better, because he’s right. She is a release, just not in the way he thinks. She’s my release from myself.

“You don’t know?” Her gaze flits between my eyes. “I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do here. You’re not giving me anything.”

I rub my temple, the phantom pain I’m all too used to burning behind my left eye. “I have nothing left to give,” I mumble.

Walking up to me, she pulls my hands into hers and squeezes. “Telling me what the hell that was about is a start.” She lets go of my hands. “I mean, did you know Kai liked me?”

I shake my head. “No, I told him I couldn’t stop thinking about you and he told me to not rush into anything. He said he wanted to talk to me about you when he got back but he was acting strange about it.”

She runs a hand through her hair, distracting me for a moment. “Wow. This is fucked up. I’m so fucking confused. You say you like me and I’m different, but is Kai right? Are you using me?”

“No.” I walk up to her but when she backs away slightly, I stop in my tracks. “Ever since that first night I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. I’ve felt so out of control of my own feelings. You make me feel a little less in control.”

Scoffing, she starts packing her Tupperware back into the bag she brought it in. “Nice. Real nice, Zander.”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Then what did you mean it like? Making someone feel out of control isn’t a good thing.”

I place my hand over hers to stop her throwing the Tupperware in the bag. “But for me it is. I always have to be in control but with you… fuck! I’m giving you control over me and I don’t even care.”

“Control I don’t want,” she says, pulling her hand away from mine.

“That means something, Taylor. I don’t trust anyone, I don’t even trust myself for fuck’s sake.”

“That makes two of us.”

Her words stop me in my tracks. “Let me show you that you can.”

She shakes her head as she throws the last of the Tupperware in the bag before meeting my gaze. “I don’t even know you.” A stabbing pain in my head causes me to grip the counter beside me. “Zander?”

“I’m alright.” I shake the feeling away knowing it’s all in my head; the stabbing pain is a leftover memory. “I have these… headaches sometimes.”

I feel her hand wrap around my arm gently and she coaxes me into the living room, sitting down beside me when I do. “Headaches?”

The voice inside my head is screaming at me to just spit it out. If I tell her then she’ll understand everything Kai was talking about. I don’t want her to walk away from me because I couldn’t tell her about my past. I’m sick of it ruining my life.

It’s now or never. “I’m an addict.”