Elen

“You’re kidding me,” Colette says. “They were sitting right above you?”

“Yep.” My cheeks burn at the memory of Kane’s neighbors calling down from their balcony and asking us to keep the noise down. “At least they thought it was funny. I was so embarrassed, though. I made Kane sneak out with me in the morning to make sure we didn’t bump into them.”

Colette, Gaby, and Roxie all laugh. We haven’t had a girlie chat since Roxie’s wedding. She and Caleb have only just returned from their honeymoon, so we escaped from the office for a lunchtime coffee catch-up. I have heaps of work to do, but I accepted Colette’s offer because I need to talk to someone, and these girls have turned out to be my best friends.

Roxie had been telling us all about the beautiful beaches in Jamaica and making us all jealous. She then asked what happened after I’d danced with Kane at her wedding, and I finally admitted to them that Kane and I have been seeing each other. They were all astounded that they hadn’t realized--we’ve been careful to remain discreet at work.

“So,” Gaby says, eyes twinkling, “it wasn’t just a one-night stand, then.”

“Apparently not.”

“Is it something, then?” Roxie asks.

“Bit early to say,” I tell them.

“Aw,” Colette says, “come on, you must have an idea. Does Mr. Head-in-the-clouds have a future with Miss If-you-turn-up-late-again-you-can-find-another-job?”

“Hey,” I say indignantly, “that’s not fair. I’m not like that.”

“Yes, you are,” Gaby says, and they both nod.

“Maybe I was.” My lips curve up. I’ve been late myself twice this week. Better things to do than check my emails at seven-thirty.

“Ohhh…” Roxie says, staring at me. “You’re in luuurv.”

“I think perhaps I am. But we haven’t talked about… you know… forever or anything yet. Not really.”

“Not really?”

I hesitate. “Well… there is something I need to talk about…” It doesn’t come naturally to me because I’m a private person, but I have a feeling it will help to discuss it with my friends.

So I tell them that he can’t have children, and he left his wife when she got pregnant with another guy and suggested they not tell the father and instead bring up the child as theirs.

“Holy fuck.” Colette has a way with words. “That’s pretty fucking cold-blooded.”

“Yeah.”

“He can’t have kids?” Gaby clarifies, picking up on the salient point.

I shake my head. They all think about that.

“Saves on condoms,” I announce once they’ve all glanced at each other awkwardly. We stopped using them soon after we started seeing each other and it was clear it wasn’t going to be just once or twice. “I joked about us growing old together, and he told me that he wants me to think about what it would mean--that we wouldn’t be able to have a baby together.”

“There are other ways,” Colette says.

“I know. But he doesn’t like the idea of sperm donors, and they had three rounds of IVF that failed. I know it doesn’t mean it would fail with us, and of course there’s adoption--I don’t know how he feels about that. We haven’t discussed it. But I have to consider that having children with him might not be an option, natural or otherwise.”

“Oh, Elen, I’m so sorry.” Roxie frowns. She’s the only one of us who already has a child. Her son now lives with her and Caleb. I suspect they’re also trying for a baby of their own, as are Gaby and Harry.

“I don’t know what I’d do if it happened to me and Seb,” Colette says. “We’ve talked about starting a family after we’re married, but you don’t think about what would happen if one of you can’t have kids, do you?” She tips her head at me. “Do you want children?”

“I’ve honestly never really thought about it until now,” I confess. “I suppose it’s something I thought I’d do one day, like learning how to knit, or visiting England. I’ve never felt broody. Do you feel broody now you’ve met Mr. Right?” I address them all.

“I do,” Gaby admits. “I keep thinking about what it would be like to have a baby that’s half me and half Harry. I wander around baby shops looking at the clothes and getting all wistful.”

“Aw.” Colette nudges her, and Gaby blushes.

“I suppose I do a little, too,” Colette says. “There’s something about sharing yourself with a man in that way that is so special.” She looks at Roxie. “Would you like another baby, with Caleb?”

“I love James to bits,” Roxie says, “and if I couldn’t have kids I would be happy with James because Caleb is so good with him. But I admit I do think about having a baby with Caleb. As Colette says, there’s something about making another person with a man that’s… I don’t know… primeval, I suppose. It’s what we’re all here for, on a very basic level, isn’t it? Procreation?”

“I guess.” There’s a piece of chocolate brownie on my plate, and I push it around with my fork.

“Spit it out,” Colette says. “What’s bothering you?”

“Is it weird that I don’t feel broody?”

“Of course not,” Roxie says. “Not everyone wants kids.”

“It’s not that I don’t want kids per se. It’s just not an overwhelming urge for me. Not yet, anyway. At the moment, I feel that loving my partner is the most important thing, and having a family comes second. If I love my partner or husband and we decide to have a family, and it doesn’t happen, I like to think we’ll work together to find another way to have a baby, or we’ll decide together not to have one.”

“I feel the same,” Colette said.

“And me,” Gaby says.

“I hope we all do,” Roxie said. “A strong relationship should survive whatever life throws at it.”

“Exactly,” I say. “But the thing is… I don’t understand broodiness, and I certainly don’t understand what Kane’s ex did. Is it possible that one day I’m suddenly going to feel this overwhelming urge to have a child? That it will be so all-consuming it will become more important than my relationship? How could a woman want a baby so badly that she’ll sleep with another man to get pregnant?”

“She sounds like a fucking nutcase,” Colette points out. “I don’t think you can say she’s normal.”

“But it’s common, isn’t it, that when couples struggle to conceive, it can drive a wedge in their relationship?”

They think about that. They’re all serious now. I think they’ve realized what’s at stake here. That I’m falling for Kane, and at the moment his infertility isn’t a problem for me, but that I’m afraid I’m being naive, and it might be an issue in the future.

“I don’t know that it’s common,” Colette says eventually. “It happens, of course. But I would think the important thing here is the strength of the relationship before the question of children even comes up.”

“That’s right,” Roxie says. “I think it must happen where a couple decides to have a baby because the marriage is struggling, and they’re aware of this--maybe sub-consciously--and they think a baby will fix it. Sometimes, if they do get pregnant, it might work, because it can bring a couple closer together. At other times, either they have a baby and they break up anyway, or they find they can’t have children, and that is just the beginning of the end.”

I nod slowly. “That makes sense.”

“The thing is,” Roxie says, “love never comes with a guarantee. None of us can be one-hundred percent certain that we’ll still be with our man in five years’ time, let alone in twenty years. We all like to think we will, but we can’t be sure. And any of us could have a fertility problem, even me, because our bodies change.”

“She’s got a point,” Colette says. “How would I handle it if I discovered I couldn’t have kids? Or if Seb couldn’t? Honestly, I don’t know, but I’m not going to let that stop me marrying him. If it happens, we’ll deal with it then. The important thing is that, right now, I love him, and I want to be with him forever, and if we couldn’t have children, we’d make it work somehow. That’s the best I can do with the information I have.”

“You’re right,” I reply. “Of course you’re right. There’s no point in second guessing future me. I can only base my decision on how I feel right now.”

“It is more difficult for you, though,” Gaby points out. “Because you know about Kane in advance. It’s not quite the same as being with him for a year, maybe even getting married, and then discovering he can’t have kids. By then, you’ve invested in the relationship, and hopefully the love you feel for each other has had time to grow. But you’ve only been with him… what? A month?”

“Not even that.”

“Not even a month. I understand why you’re struggling with this. It’s a big decision for you, and it’s not an easy one.”

“I hope it’s helped, talking to us,” Colette says. “I have a feeling we’ve only made things worse.”

I smile at them. “Not at all. It’s been very helpful.”

We all rise, gather our things, and make our way out of the coffee shop. I leave the girls because I have a couple of jobs to do in the city. When they’re completed, I head back to the office, but take a detour down to the river. It’s started to rain, and the sky is heavy with thundery clouds. The river is like a sheet of metal, still and gray.

It was good to talk to the others, and they helped clarify the issue. But ultimately, I have to make the decision myself. And deep down, I’m certain it’s a straightforward one.

Basically, how strong are my feelings for Kane?