Parker
The sun begins creeping into her room from the split in her curtains and I feel panicked, irrationally angry that Mother Nature seems to be betraying me by letting the sun rise. I need it to stay down. Just for a few more hours.
I haven’t slept and my eyes feel weary. But I find myself praying for more time. Just to watch her sleep. Let myself stay lost in the unappealing allure of Codi asleep. I smile despite the turmoil swirling inside my gut. I thought that first night that it may have been an uncommon picture; her mouth open, breathing thick and eyes almost open as she slept. But I was wrong. It’s just how she sleeps. Crazy to imagine these irrelevant details are the parts I’ll miss the most. Bile runs up my throat and I swallow the need to vomit because that would pull me away from where I want, need to be right at this moment. Staring at an unconscious Codi wondering how the fuck I’m supposed to survive in life without her. Worse, knowing she no longer breathes on this earth.
I thought burying my mom was the most painful moment of my life. I’ve replayed it in my mind over and over again. For eighteen fucking years. I’ve let the agony of losing her brutalise my conscience, until all I thought I would ever feel again was hate.
Then I met her.
I met Codi.
And I fell in love.
Now the pain I felt burying my mom is a distant memory, one I can’t seem to recall because pain doesn’t come close to describing the feeling that’s been flooding my system for weeks, months now.
I wanna cry. I wanna scream. I wanna run. I wanna take Codi and run as far away from this fucking cesspool of a life I’ve created and never look back. I wanna disappear. But he won’t give up. He can’t. I know that, worse, I can’t even hate him for it.
I don’t deserve Rocco’s loyalty because I no longer want to return it. I want to betray him in a way he would never forgive me for. I wanna take away his chance at peace. For my own selfish reasoning, I want to stomp on any possibility he had to seek the revenge he so desperately craves.
I don’t deserve Codi’s love because everything we’ve based our love on has grown from an almighty lie. The greatest betrayal, Codi gave me her heart and I took it. I claimed that beating son-of-a-bitch knowing, fucking knowing, that not only I’d crush it in my hands and watch the pain in her eyes as I did it, I’d also steal the life in the same eyes.
My phone vibrates where it remains, discarded on the table beside Codi’s bed. Reaching over I grab it, glancing at Codi to make sure it didn’t wake her, but she groans, rolls over and pulls the comforter further up her body, almost covering her face.
Rocco’s name lights my screen and I watch on, waiting for it to end. He’s been calling me non-stop for days. All calls unanswered, all texts ignored. My time is up.
My time is up.
Fuck, I don’t even know how to comprehend that. I refuse to listen to his voicemails, they’d be reaching a level of desperate anger I give zero fucks about right now. I’m dealing with my own desperation, in sorrow, in regret, in fucking heartbreak.
My phone vibrates again and I shake my head, switching it off to cut Rocco out of my head. Dropping it to the ground, I roll back, taking in Codi’s sleeping form. I reach out, sliding my hand over her messy nest of hair.
She stirs, rolling onto her back, stretching and groaning before settling again. I pull the blanket away from her body, my eyes devouring every inch of her glorious skin. I want her. Bad. Just one more time. I’d kill to fuck her, slowly, stare into the purple depths of her eyes so she knew how much I fucking love her.
Instead, I kiss her lips softly, pull her blanket back up and dress as fast as I can.
I run home, approaching the loft through the back entrance, to avoid coming face to face with Rocco. His car sits quietly beside mine in the eerily empty undercover parking lot. It’s early, the building still asleep and my feet sound ten times louder padding along the glossed cement as I jog toward my car. I slide in, switching the ignition on before my door is even closed. I reverse on a screech of my wheels, flying from the lot at excessive speed.
Reaching Ruin, I’m fucking grateful for the locked door, relief flooding my system knowing that no one’s inside. Legging it up the stairs toward my office, I grab the first bag I see, dropping to my knees in front of the safe keying in the code. I should feel ashamed. I should feel disgusted in myself. Keying in my mother’s date of birth, my dead mother’s, my murdered mother’s, I should feel sick with regret about stealing money from Rocco. But as I throw wad of cash after wad of cash into the backpack, all I feel is panicked, a need to move faster.
My cell vibrates in my pocket and I slam the safe door, yanking it from my jeans. Codi’s name lights my screen and I tuck the phone between my shoulder and ear, answering as I zip the backpack.
“Sugar.”
“Hey, baby,” she greets sleepily. “Where’d you go?”
Jogging back down the stairs, I key in the alarm code, slamming the club door closed behind me. “On my way back, I just had to pick some shit up. Ryn home?”
“Uh. I guess. I haven’t checked.”
“Wake her, baby. Both of you get dressed. Just gotta put gas in my car then I’ll be there. Be ready.”
“Wh—” she starts but I hang up, throwing the backpack onto my passenger seat and pulling from Ruin without a backward glance.
I’m back at Codi’s within half an hour. I’ve rejected five calls from Rocco and ignored at least a dozen texts.
Fuck.
I barge through the door of their apartment without preamble, my eyes working to seek them out.
“Why the fuck are you both still in your pyjamas?” I growl, stalking toward them.
Camryn frowns, taking a sip of coffee and looking to Codi as she shakes her head.
“Parker,” Codi starts toward me and I move in closer, grabbing her arm to drag her toward her room.
“You need to dress. Now,” looking back over my shoulder, I glance toward Camryn. “You too. Pack a bag. You’re goin’ away.”
Codi yanks on her arm, and I tighten my grip.
“Ow. You’re hurting me. Stop it,” she worries, working to pull away from me again.
“Stop fucking fighting me. I fucking told you to be ready. Why aren’t you ready?” I’m yelling. I sound like a fucking psychopath, but in my panic, I couldn’t give a fuck.
Camryn pushes at my shoulder, reaching Codi and before I’d even noticed she’d moved. “Let her go, you fucking jerk.”
Dropping Codi’s arm, I look between the sisters, a fine sheen of sweat covering my entire body.
“Please,” I beg but neither one of them move.
Stepping into Codi’s space, I cup her cheeks. “Baby. I need you to listen to me. You need to go away.” My voice is soft, coaxing as I stroke my thumbs along her creamy skin, my eyes penetrating hers with my desperation. “Please, Codi. I don’t have time to explain. I just need you and Camryn to leave. There’s money in my car, enough for you guys to survive, comfortably, until I can work this out. You’ll take my car.”
Codi’s hands grab onto mine, squeezing my wrists. “Parker, you’re scaring me. What’s going on? Talk to me.”
I’m shaking my head before she’s even finished speaking, my hands dropping away as I step back. My heart is heavy in my chest, the thick, prominent pounding echoed by the incessant vibration of my phone in my back pocket.
I pull at my hair, pacing in circles.
“FUCK,” I yell.
My cell starts again and I pull it from my jeans. “FUCK. OFF.” I throw it against the wall, watching it shatter into a million pieces.
Turning back to the girls, they’re huddled together, a shared look of wariness cast across their features. “I’m tryin’ to protect you. How can you not fucking see that?”
“Parker,” Codi whispers and I roar, hurling a vase across the room as the tortured sound cuts through the quiet.
“I. CAN’T. FUCKING. TELL. YOU. WHY.”
Camryn steps in front of her sister, a glazed look of indifference sliding over her face. “You need to leave. Now.”
I laugh, my head twisting the side on the sardonic sound. “Fuck this.”
Marching toward Codi, I grab her arm, dragging her toward the door. “You can go like that. You’re to drive for as long as you can before you’re too tired to go any further. There’s enough money for you to buy clothes when you get wherever you’re going.”
She fights me the entire way, pulling at my arm, working to release hers. But I’m stronger. I’m more determined. I have to be. It’s her life I’m protecting.
“Don’t use your credit cards. Your cell. Nothing that could let someone track you. Understand?” I keep talking, ignoring the scratch of her fingers trying to pry me from her arm.
“DO. YOU. UNDERSTAND?” I repeat, turning to meet her eyes.
She glares at me and I’m so focused on the fury in her eyes, I don’t see her free hand coming up to slap my cheek with extreme force. I close my eyes against the sting, turning back to face her. “Let. Me. Go.”
I watch her silently, stepping into her body and moving her backward. Her small frame hits the wall with a thud and I stare into her eyes, working to convey my thoughts and feelings, enough for her to understand.
“Codi. Baby. Sugar,” Her eyes soften at the endearment and I cup her cheeks, moving my lips in against hers. “I’m try’na keep you safe, baby, let me keep you safe.”
“You’re scaring me,” her lips move with her whispered words, brushing the soft cushion against mine, the soft taste of salt from her tears teasing my taste buds.
“I’m sorry,” I push my lips forward, kissing her softly, slowly. “God, Codi, I’m so fuckin’ sorry for everything. For being born into the family I was, that our fate was already planned out before we ever had a chance. I’m so fucking sorry for pulling you into this shit storm. For putting you in danger. If I knew,” I start, pulling a hand from the dampness of her cheek to rest it over the wild thumping of her heart. “If I knew how good you were in here,” I press my palm against her fast beating heart. “I would’ve made fuckin’ certain none of this touched you. I would’ve fuckin’ killed myself to guarantee that.”
I drop my face, joining our foreheads, running my nose along the smooth line of hers and kissing her almost hysterically. My lips caress hers heavily, our shared tears dropping into the wetness of our kiss, making me frantic.
I pull back as severely as our kiss started, breathing laboriously, the pain in my chest magnifying with every agonizing inhale of air.
“Please.”
Her indigo eyes stare into mine, the color glistening under the thick flow of tears falling from them. Her breaths hit me sharply, the quick, stuttered sound echoing the loud rasp of mine.
“I can’t,” she whispers, her teeth biting into her bottom lip to stop it trembling.
“FUCK,” I roar, my fist meeting the wall beside her face and crushing through the plaster. Pulling it from the hole I’d created, debris falls along her shoulder and I grab my hair in frustration, moving away.
Codi doesn’t move, her body stuck against the wall, arms glued by her side, the eruption of my anger sitting not an inch away from her beautifully, sad face.
She’s afraid. This should add to my guilt. To the revulsion I feel for myself. It doesn’t. If anything, it fires my hope that maybe she’ll understand the weight of my plea and leave.
“What the fuck do you have to stay here for?” I scream, continuing my desperate attempt to get her to listen. “We can’t be together, fuckin’ trust me when I tell you that. Your mom is a sociopath and your dad’s a fuckin’ criminal.”
Fire spikes in her eyes and I know I’ve hit a nerve. Just the wrong one. She’s no longer afraid, cautious of me or my words. No, now she’s angry, her eyes narrowing.
“Get out,” she grits, finally stepping away from the wall, her fists clenching.
“Tell me what’s keeping you here,” I challenge, every word I speak, seething with frustration.
“Camryn, call the police,” she glances to her sister then back to me. “Get. Out.”
I hear the tell-tale sound of a dial tone and I know Camryn’s eagerly given into her sister’s demand. Why would she not? This probably reminds her of every bad decision she made in her past. The ex Codi so artfully avoided giving me full details on. She would, without doubt or hesitation protect her sister whatever the cost.
Fuck.
This was not how this was supposed to go down. Shit, they should’ve been gone by now, having put as much distance between themselves and Rocco as possible.
I take a tentative step toward Codi, my voice soft. “Codi—”
“GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE,” she shouts, the shrill sound of her voice cracking her vocal chords. It’s also the first time I’ve ever heard Codi swear. Outside us fucking and even then, it’s only been when I’ve demanded it from her, wanting to hear the sweet, soft desperation of her voice turn dirty.
I hear Camryn’s quick fired words in the background.
Ex-boyfriend. Aggressive. Violent. Threatening. In danger.
It hurts hearing the demise of our relationship vocalized. I’m not an idiot, our relationship was well and truly over, just hearing the words sliced into my already broken heart in a way I wasn’t ready for.
I’m fucked. If I stay here, I’m beyond fucked, so I move to the door. Slowly. Sick with the feeling that I’ve failed everyone.
My mom. For trying to steal away her vengeance with my own selfish desires.
My father. For being so fucking weak and not being strong enough to follow through with the one thing in life he wanted, needed more than anything.
Rocco. For working to pull the one chance at peace he has, away from him.
Codi. For loving her and taking her love in return.
Myself. For losing everything important to me with my own stupidity.
Every accomplishment I’ve set out for has been an implosion of disaster.
I’m a God damn fucking mess.
My heart sent me on a path for peace and in the end it turned out to be my downfall. The part of me that was supposed to hold something true, something real, fucked me over so badly its taken the life it anatomically gives me away.
Pulling open her front door, I glance back, my soul aching with the heartbreak sliced along Codi’s face.
“Go to your dad for me, Sugar. Tell him my name, who my dad was and tell him you’re in danger. If you won’t let me keep you safe, he can.”
With that I step through the doorway, letting her door slam heavily behind me.
I drive slowly back to the loft, trying to work out in my brain how I tell my brother that he can’t kill Codi. I can’t ask him. I can’t beg him. He’s already told me it’s the one thing he won’t give me. It doesn’t leave me with any other option. I’ll tell him that if he needs her dead, that he’ll have to kill me first. That I’ll shadow her for the rest of her life if necessary, ready to move into the line of any bullet he aims her way. And if by some miracle, he manages to get around me, I’ll kill him. With my bare fucking hands. I’ll choke every last breath of life from his body and stare into his eyes as I do it. I’ll make sure that the last thing he ever sees is my betrayal.
He’s sitting on the couch when I walk into our loft. Staring at nothing. Still as a statue. Rocco’s way to centre himself. He doesn’t look up or acknowledge my presence and I know he’s pissed. Shit, I knew that days ago when I started ignoring his calls. But now, I can feel it vibrating off his frame.
I take a seat on the coffee table in front of him, the wood groaning under my weight. Bracing my elbows along my knees, I massage the palm of my hand, eyes focused on Rocco’s profile; on the tick of his jaw, the heavy pulse in his neck.
Finally, he turns, meeting my stare and in amongst the fire, the anger in his eyes, I see the hurt, the pain my disloyalty has caused.
“Been try’na call you.”
I nod.
“For days.”
“Yeah,” I cough out.
“Phone’s off now.”
“Not off, just smashed into about a million pieces.”
He snorts out a disinterested laugh, but asks, “What happened?”
Dragging a palm along my face, I sigh loudly. “Guilt at ignoring your texts and calls got a little much.”
He pushes forward, his body’s stance mirroring mine. Our faces sit close enough that I can feel the warm push of air from his lungs dance across my face.
“I threw it against a wall. At Codi’s. When I was try’na convince her to leave town. To run.”
My confession is quiet, said without remorse. An honest statement of fact.
Nothing more. No emotion crippling or spiking my words. Maybe he’ll read that in my eyes.
The anger.
The guilt.
The hate.
The sadness.
The acceptance.
“I can’t let you follow through with this, Roc. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry,” I breathe working to force myself to keep his eyes and not look away from his wounded scowl.
“I can’t let you kill her. It’s not an option,” I shake my head, swallowing the feeling of betrayal threatening to spill from my mouth.
The animosity in his eyes darkens, drilling holes into my head as he sits there, silently. He doesn’t utter a single fucking word, just stares me down, demanding I take my words back.
Finally, he stands and my neck tips back to keep his face in view. The look of disgust that transforms his features is eerie as all hell and I brace myself for impact. For a swift, fast fist to my jaw. But it never comes. He moves out of the living area, pacing aimlessly as he works to quell the uncontrollable anger radiating from him.
He stops, turns toward me, fists clenched, but stops. He cracks his neck side to side, breathing forcefully through his nose.
“You think you have a say in this, brother?” He spits his last word, making certain I don’t misinterpret the repulsion in the term. He’s making this about family, about loyalty. Something I can no longer let myself be controlled by.
I stand, moving only a few feet away from him. “Yeah,” I nod. “I do. I love her, Roc. I fucking love her. I can’t live in a world where she doesn’t exist. I won’t do it.”
“We had a plan. A. Rock. Fucking. Solid. Plan. You don’t get to back out now. Not when we’re this close. No fucking way.”
“You even look in Codi’s direction, you’ll see me. I’ll be there. Rain. Hail. Fucking shine. Night. Day. Whatever the fuck. I’ll be right there.”
He laughs, his thick shoulders bouncing with the sarcastic sound. “You’re gonna keep her safe. From me?”
“I won’t need to. Only thing you need to know is that to kill Codi Rein, you’ll be forced to go through me. Know that the moment you pull that trigger, I’ll move into its direct line. I’ll take the bullet you meant for her and I’ll let it kill me.”
His nostrils flare and the self-assured smile that graced his lips only moments before, drops away, replaced with a thin line of disbelief, of pain, of heartfelt betrayal.
He shakes his head, forcing out a shaky breath, his throat working overtime. “You promised me this. After everything I’ve fucking done for you. You promised me this.”
I nod, my jaw wired shut as I’m thrown back eighteen years, eyes locked with Rocco as our mother was lowered into the ground. He’s looking at me, boring into my eyes with the desperation in his, begging me for solace, for support. Only this time, I can’t give it to him.
“I know,” I rasp, giving him nothing more. Really, what is there to give? A half-assed apology for taking his chance at freedom. It would mean shit. Nothing. Because as sorry as I am for taking something from him, it pales in comparison to what I’m taking for myself.
“And if I kill her anyway?”
Truth be told, I had hoped he wouldn’t go here. I’d hoped he would’ve stormed out of the loft ranting like a fucking psychopath and save me from this. From this last stab to his blackened heart. The final and most likely the most painful part of my betrayal.
“I’ll kill you. You won’t just be dead to me in the figurative sense. I’ll hunt you down and when I find you I’ll steal every last ounce of life from your body.”
A single tear runs down his face, along the left line of his jaw. Just one. But it’s more than I’ve ever seen from him and I know I’ve irrevocably killed any bond that we shared.
My love for Codi Rein has forced away the one single person in life who fought for me harder than I fought for myself. Worse part is, I can’t even regret it, because it’s the right fucking thing to do.
Rocco turns, walking toward the door, he pauses, hand to handle, not looking back as the rough cut of his voice hits me. “You’re asking me to choose between my love for you and my love for mom. You’re asking me to choose between the person who gave me life and the person who just threatened to take it without hesitation. Makes it harder knowin’ your love ain’t with me. Means I gotta choose between the person who showed me what love was and the person who no longer cares enough to give me theirs.”
With that, he’s gone, our front door closing with a loud bang that sends a shiver up my spine. Problem is, right now, I’m no better off in knowing how safe Codi is. Sure, Rocco knows I won’t be a part of this plan for revenge we set out for months ago, but doesn’t mean he won’t continue on his path. He admitted that much. And what hope do I have he’ll concede to my threat when he now knows my loyalty is no longer with him. My heart has succeeded in derailing my allegiance. There’s now no question, Rocco was always right to doubt me, because in the end, my loyalty to family never stood a chance. Not against Codi. Not against the things she forced my heart to feel.
I’ve sealed my own fate to a life of solitude. Of loneliness. I’ve irretrievably damaged my relationship with Rocco and I’m destined to live without the woman I’ve given my heart to.