Chapter Eight

Andrew

There I was, sitting at my desk, staring at my computer screen. The day was inching by at a glacial pace, and my mind was all over the place. I couldn’t focus; I couldn’t even take meetings that day. My secretary looked at me as if I had the plague when I asked her to clear my schedule for the day and keep my visitors to a minimum. I never put work on the back burner, and I mean never, but today was a completely different story. Maybe if I hadn’t been so stupid to begin with, I wouldn’t be in this predicament.

Eliza was a good girl, sweet, caring, and really amazing to have around. I had set up dinner with her because it felt right, and even up till about six, I was totally down for going. Then it happened—my conscious started to creep in, my brain started building walls, and I started to get completely freaked-out. I didn’t call her, I didn’t reply to her texts, anything. All I did was stand her up, and I couldn’t stop imagining her sitting excitedly in her living room waiting for me. I mean, I was a douche a lot of the time, but I had never done something that assholish in my life. I felt horrible for it and on top of that was starting to regret not having her in my life.

I put my hands over my face and groaned into them, tired of my brain running over me like that. I sighed and looked down at Amy’s picture. I picked it up and ran my finger over her face. I remembered the exact day that picture was taken. It was three days before Christmas, when we went away to Aspen for a little vacation. We decided to do this ski-the-lights thing where you skied down a mountain that they filled with elaborate Christmas lights. When we got to the base of the mountain, there was a bonfire and hot chocolate all set up for us. I told her to smile even though she was freezing, and I snapped the picture.

I took in a deep breath, feeling that familiar twinge in my chest when I thought about Amy and the memories. She was so kind and giving, and I knew if she could tell me, she would scream at me for not allowing myself any kind of happiness. I knew she would get so angry if she knew I had treated any girl like that. She would want me to be happy, I knew this, but the problem was, I didn’t know how to make myself happy anymore. I had built up so many walls and trained myself for so long to live a life separated from love that it almost came naturally to me to push people away. This time, though, I was sure it really hurt Eliza, and that in itself was excruciating to me.

The thoughts blew from my mind at the sound of a knock on my office door. I sat up and took a deep breath, almost forgetting I was still at work. I put the picture down and turned toward the door.

“Come in,” I said.

The door creaked slowly open and in stepped Melinda, one of our newest employees. She looked nervous, which was normal when people approached me these days. I tried to muster the kindest smile possible and reached out, taking the file she had in her hands.

“I’m sorry to bother you Mr. Cartucci, but I needed an okay on these new markups for the Henderson account,” she said.

“Thank you,” I said nodding and opening the folder. “Wow, these are really good. You definitely have an eye for this job.”

“Thank you.” She blushed.

I went through every page, putting my initials in the lower right-hand corner. When I was done, I handed the file back to Melinda and smiled. She nodded and turned to leave, then breathed deeply as she turned back to me. I looked up at her curiously, seeing that she was fighting herself on what she wanted to say.

“What is it, Melinda?”

“Forgive me, sir,” she said, sitting down. “I just noticed you weren’t your normal self today. Are you okay?”

“Thank you for asking,” I said with a sigh. “I guess I am. Just a lot going on. But I appreciate you taking the time to ask me. No one else has.”

“Well, I suppose that’s probably because everyone else is afraid of you,” she said, looking down at the floor.

“That sucks,” I said, laughing. “I’m really not a scary guy.”

“Maybe it’s the Italian thing,” she chuckled. “I think everyone thinks you are involved in the Mob.”

“Ha,” I said, surprised but not that much. “Why do people always think New York Italian means mobster?”

“The movies maybe.” She smiled. “I don’t think it helps that you are pretty angry most of the time. People think there is more going on than just business in here.”

“I guess it would help to be a bit nicer,” I said, shaking my head. “I really am not an angry guy, and I’m definitely not part of the Mob.”

“Well, I hope things get better,” she said, standing up.

There was something refreshing about this girl. She told it how it was, even when she was scared to say so. She reminded me a lot of Eliza in that way. I needed someone’s opinion, and I couldn’t talk to Mason; he would just chide me. I knew it wasn’t smart bringing one of the girls from the office into my personal matters, but I was pretty much alone these days. After Amy died, I pushed everyone away, and I really didn’t blame them for running.

“Melinda,” I said before she could open the door. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure,” she said with a smile, walking back over and sitting down.

She seemed like such a sweet young lady, and I didn’t really know what to say, but I needed some advice. I knew she might look at me differently after this, but at that point, it was keep going where I was or get someone’s opinion outside of my own head. I took in a deep breath and crossed my hands in front of me.

“I made a mistake, I think,” I said. “I stood someone up that didn’t deserve it because I was scared. I don’t know what to do.”

She smiled and shifted in her seat, thinking about the answer to give me. I could tell she wasn’t judging me, which made me feel better. She breathed deeply and crossed her hands over her knees.

“There may be nothing you can do,” she said. “A woman’s heart is a complicated thing, and where it takes men years to build up walls, it can take us only moments. However, if she is really important to you and you feel that you can keep yourself from doing that again, then make a gesture. I don’t mean a grandstand, shout-it-to-the-world gesture, but a gesture big enough for her to take notice. She probably doesn’t want to see your face right now—I’m just being honest, but if there is something else you can do, then I would do it.”

I nodded slowly and looked at my computer screen, thinking about my options. I didn’t really know where to go from there, but it definitely was helpful. Basically, I needed to get rid of this fear and do what my heart told me to do. I had to jump in knowing she may turn away, and it may hurt, but it was nothing compared to if I did nothing.

“If you don’t think you can keep yourself from doing it again,” Melinda said, standing up and walking toward the door, “then let her go. You owe her that much.”

“I understand,” I said. “Thank you for your candor.”

“Anytime,” she said warmly.

As she closed the door, I sat back in my chair, leaning it backward and thinking about Melinda’s words. She was right—if I couldn’t commit to Eliza, then I needed to leave it alone, leave the damage where it was. I didn’t want to hurt her any more than I already had. Was I ready to give up those walls and really commit? Usually I would say no, but I knew if I didn’t make this up to her, I would never be able to get her off my mind. I didn’t know for sure that I was ready for long-term, but I knew I was ready for right now, and right now Eliza was the woman I wanted. I would have to sort it out as I went.

I thought about what she had told me over the last few days, and a lightbulb went off in my head. I leaned forward and opened the browser on my computer, looking up the bridal shop that she and Missy were going to on Thursday. I picked up the phone and dialed the number, pretending to be Missy’s personal assistant and verifying her appointment. It was indeed the place, and she had the entire shop to herself all day.

Immediately I knew what I had to do, but I sat there frozen for a few minutes, making sure that I was ready to do it. I had to be sure, just like Melinda said. I had to know that I was doing the right thing for Eliza and not just for me. I had spent the last ten years doing everything for myself, not thinking of others or how it impacted them, and now I felt like it was time that I moved past that and started to grow.

I got to work on my plan, meticulously etching out every aspect of it. I made several calls, talked with the owner of the bridal shop, and latched all the pieces together. I wanted it to be a perfect sign to Eliza that I was sorry, without forcing her to be in front of my face. I wanted the gesture to resonate with her and make her feel like I was completely sincere before I ever delivered the actual apology to her face. My plan was great, and the execution would be flawless, but the one thing I was not in control over was how Eliza would react. She was unpredictable, which was one of the things I loved about her the most. At that moment, though, unpredictable also meant that I may never know how it would go over with her.

When I met Eliza, I thought she was amazing, and though I only planned to get her in bed, there was something in the back of mind drawing me to her. She was absolutely gorgeous on the inside and out, and I found myself wanting to be close to her, and not just in a sexual way. She had become a light in my life and she had only been there for a few days. I had ignored all of this, too afraid to admit to myself that there could be someone else out there for me, almost a second chance if you will. I knew that this was my second chance at happiness, and it had to be with Eliza.

When I was done making all the plans, I could feel a bit of enthusiasm and hope trickle back into my body. The heaviness weighing on my mind lifted slightly, and I was finally able to take a deep breath. Melinda had been right. I needed to make that gesture, to show Eliza how sorry I was. Now all there was left to do was wait, and it was going to be an agonizing two days for sure.