Chapter Seventeen
Brooks walked into the room, looked around at a bunch of pregnant couples sitting there with their massive bouncy balls, yoga mats, plastic dolls, assorted baby equipment, and the most terrifying visual aids ever inflicted on a man, and prepared to bolt.
“Oh, what fresh hell is this?” he asked.
Leah laughed and pushed him into the room. “Come on, class is starting in a minute.”
He ventured a little farther but stopped at the decapitated torso of a mannequin that had been cut away to reveal all the inside stuff. “Is that what really happens when you’re pregnant?”
The mannequin had a baby in her belly, but everything else that was in there was squished up into the rib cage and behind the baby.
“Yes,” Leah said. “Where did you think everything went?”
“I don’t know. I never really thought about it. Not sure I’ll be thinking about anything but that for a while now.”
She grinned and towed him along until they passed a wall with a series of posters showing the various stages of labor and delivery, each one growing more horrifying than the last.
He grabbed her arm and pulled her to the side. “Let’s get out of here. It’s a total trap,” he whisper-shouted at her. “If you stay, they’ll make you do that.” He pointed at the image of a baby halfway out of the birth canal.
She laughed and pushed him away. “I’m going to have to do that regardless. It would be nice to learn some techniques to deal with it. Now hush. Come on, let’s go get a spot. The class is going to start soon.”
He reluctantly followed her over to one of those yoga mats and had a seat. Leah sank to the ground much more slowly, her hand on her back. He helped her down and then pulled her back so she could lean against him. They hadn’t really discussed the logistics of who would be where in the delivery room. In fact, now that Marcus had shown up—though he had yet to appear for the class despite promising to be there—Brooks wasn’t completely sure whether or not he would be in the room. But, he wouldn’t let Leah be in there alone and she needed a coach for the classes. Plus, he was technically her husband, so there he was.
The teacher finally showed, entering the class engrossed in a conversation with Marcus who actually had a pad and pen and was taking handwritten notes. Leah tensed slightly, but when he glanced down, she was smiling at Marcus. Perfect.
Marcus said something to the instructor and hurried over to them. “Sorry about that. I had a few questions I wanted cleared up so I came early and had a nice chat with the instructor. Don’t worry at all,” he said to Leah. “We’ll be the most prepared parents in the delivery room.”
He sat beside her. “Shouldn’t I be the one supporting her? I’m the dad, after all. I assume I’ll be the coach.”
He’d been thinking the same thing only moments before, begrudgingly. But with the d-bag sitting there demanding he hand her over, Brooks’s stubborn streak kicked in. “She’s already situated. And since I’m the husband, it would probably make more sense for me to be the coach.”
“Oh,” Leah said, her gaze darting with growing panic between Marcus and Brooks.
The instructor, who’d apparently been briefed by Marcus, came over. “One of you can support her and the other can coach her through the breathing exercises. And try to remember that you are here for her. She’s lucky to have the support…if you’re going to be supportive. Leave anything else at the door, gentlemen. This is about mommy and baby.”
Brooks nodded, the unfamiliar sensation of shame crawling through him. He wrapped his arms around Leah and kissed her cheek. “Sorry. Mommy’s in charge.”
Leah shuddered but laughed. “Oh my God, don’t ever call me mommy again.”
He chuckled. “Got it.”
Marcus scooted a little closer and took her hand, though he at least glanced at Brooks before he did it.
“I guess I’ll handle the breathing then, if you’ve got the back support covered.”
Brooks nodded. “Okay, though we should probably take turns with the breathing part. In case something happens and you can’t show.”
“I’ll be there for the birth of my own kid.”
“Didn’t say you wouldn’t be.”
“Cool it, boys, or none of us will know what we’re doing,” Leah said.
Brooks bit his tongue and tried to pay attention, and was almost sorry he did. The instructor launched into a whole welcoming spiel about the wonders of childbirth. Brooks stared at her, his mind spinning. Who knew that having a baby was so complicated? You watch the movies and it seems pretty straightforward. Water breaks, woman screams, lots of panting, out comes baby. But all that panting was some super special breathing technique that he now had to memorize so he could coach his wife through it—because he wasn’t leaving it up to Marcus—as she would be too busy being ripped apart at the seams to remember how to breathe. Wow. Talk about pressure. What if he forgot to breathe, too? They were so screwed.
Leah leaned back against his chest and looked up at him. He glanced down to see her concerned face. “You doing okay up there?”
“Yeah, sure, just fine.” She didn’t need to know that he was currently running through the thousands of ways he could screw this up and praying they all made it out in one piece.
Marcus’s phone buzzed and he glanced down at it. “Shit, I’ve got to take this. I’ll be right back. Cover for me for a minute, will you?” he said to Brooks. “I won’t be gone long, I promise,” he said to Leah.
“Bailing again,” Brooks muttered.
“What?” Leah asked.
“Nothing.”
She grinned at him. “Are you sure you don’t want to go with him? I think they’re going to be showing a video soon.”
All the blood must have rushed from his face, because she sat up and turned to face him. “Really, are you doing okay?”
“Oh yeah, I’m fine. I didn’t know there was going to be a video.”
“Well, if you don’t think you can handle it…”
“I can handle it if you can.”
She shrugged. “Ten bucks you’re out cold on the floor before the movie’s half over.”
“You’re on. Just make sure you don’t pass out.” He eyed her belly. “I’m not sure I can carry you out of here.”
She elbowed him in the gut and he laughed and wrapped his arms around her. Only partly to keep her from hitting lower.
Okay, he’d deserved that.
Five minutes later he was pretty sure that bet was the only thing that was keeping him conscious. He kept his arms wrapped around Leah’s shoulders as they watched the scariest movie he’d ever seen in his life. Every time the woman in the video screamed, Leah would flinch back against him and he’d hold her tighter. But there was a lot of screaming. Well, maybe it was more grunting and weird animal-like moans and growls. What. The. Hell.
At one point, she finally whispered up to him, “You’re squishing me.”
“Sorry.” He tried to loosen his hold, but damn. That was some seriously twisted Tarantino shit going on up on that screen. Really, with all the technology available there had to be an easier way to get a baby out of a woman’s body.
When Leah had first told him about Lamaze and what it was he felt silly even thinking about doing anything like that and had no intention of doing it himself. But after that film was over, he was pretty sure he needed it even more than she did. So when the teacher said, “Okay, pant like this…heh-heh-heh…” Brooks immediately sat down on the yoga mat, placed his hands on his belly, and started some deep breathing exercises.
He stopped when he noticed everyone staring at him. “What? Am I doing it wrong?”
“Your technique is great,” the teacher said. “Except your wife is the one who’s supposed to be doing the breathing. You’re just supposed to be there making sure she’s doing the right one and counting for her.”
“Right. Sorry. Though, I really think there should be a coach version of this.”
Several of the other dads in the room nodded in agreement.
Leah shook her head, but she had that grin on her face that sent little bolts of warmth pinging through his heart. They switched positions, and he helped coach her through the series of breathing exercises. He had to admit after trying a few himself he did feel better. How it would possibly make Leah feel better when she was trying to push a human being out of her nether regions was something he still didn’t understand. But, hey, if it made her feel better to learn, he was there for her.
Marcus wandered back in toward the end of the class, full of apologies, and took his place on the other side of Leah. The teacher went through a few final tips including info about something called an epidural. Brooks leaned over to Leah. “I think this is about drugs, take notes.”
She rolled her eyes and slapped his shoulder but, hey, he wasn’t kidding. If he was in her position, there was no way in hell he would be trying have that kid without a solid dose of anything they could give him.
“Natural childbirth would be best, I think,” Marcus said. “Much healthier for the baby.”
Leah and Brooks stared at him. Brooks finally said, “As Leah is the one pushing the baby out of her vagina, I think whether or not she takes drugs to make it less excruciating is up to her.”
She held up her hand and he high-fived her.
Marcus held up his hands in surrender. “Of course, of course. I’m just trying to do what’s best for our child.”
“Don’t listen to him,” Brooks whispered to her. “They wouldn’t let you do it if it was going to hurt the baby. I’ll get you all the drugs you want.”
She laughed and shushed him.
Then it was question-and-answer time. He rolled one of the huge bouncy balls over and sat on it. It was surprisingly comfortable. And bouncy. He might have to get one for the office.
Several of the women had questions about things like stretch marks and what they could do to prevent them.
“Well,” the teacher said, “there’s cocoa butter and some other special creams that you can use. Your partner can help apply them every night.”
“I can do that,” Brooks said to Leah. “Not a problem.” In fact, rubbing her down with lotion every night featured prominently in several of his more erotic dreams. If she wanted to prevent some stretch marks, he was all over that.
Marcus’s eyes narrowed slightly at that, but it wasn’t like he could complain. Leah was technically Brooks’s wife.
“It’s also a good idea to begin to prepare your perineum,” the teacher said. “This can be done using some olive oil, massage oil, or whatever you have on hand. And you lightly massage, like so.” She demonstrated with her fingers.
Brooks leaned over to Leah. “I am totally down to help with that.”
She giggled, but shushed him again.
“What about sex?” another woman asked.
“Excellent question, excellent,” Brooks said, nudging Leah. “Take notes on this one, too, please.”
Her face turned red, but he was sure it was because she was trying to hold in a laugh.
“Well, most of you ladies are in your second or third trimesters. I know for those in their second trimester in particular you’ve got those hormones kicking in. Most of you are probably starting to feel better, not so much morning sickness. It’s something you should check with your physicians about if you are uncertain, but as long as your doctors clear you, you can have sex right up until you deliver. In fact, it’s a good way to get labor started if you’re a little over your due date. Just make sure you don’t have intercourse after the water breaks. But up until that point, you should all be good to go. I know especially in that second trimester, sometimes those hormones can be pretty strong.”
Brooks thumped his chest with his fist. “I’m ready and willing to take one for the team. You let me know. Anytime, anywhere. Those hormones hit, I’m right there for you. If I’m at work, you just call me right up.”
He said that one a little louder than he meant, but most of the class was cracking up, Leah included, though she hid her face in her hand. Hey, they could laugh all they wanted. He was serious.
The class wrapped up and the teacher thanked everyone for coming. Marcus excused himself to go interrogate the instructor a bit more. Kiss-ass.
Brooks got off his exercise ball. “I’m getting a few of those for the house. They’re insanely comfortable.”
“You’re killing me,” Leah said, raising her hands.
He hauled her off the ground but kept her in his arms. “I wasn’t kidding, you know. Creams, massage oils, hormones…I’m your guy.”
She grinned at him. “I had no doubt.”
He wrapped his arm around Leah’s waist and nodded at the teacher on his way out the door.
“So, what did you think of your first Lamaze class?” Leah asked on the way to the parking lot.
“It was a bit more informative than I thought it would be,” he said.
“And is that a bad thing?” she asked, laughing.
“When it comes to things like drug info and hormone surges, absolutely not. That fantastic video on the other hand…yeah that shit should come with a warning label.”
She laughed again and he helped her into the car, struck again by how normal this all felt. It was a strange balancing act. One part of him felt like he was on a plane ready to be pushed out without a parachute. He was out of his element, in over his head, and absolutely did not belong in a committed relationship with a pregnant woman. The other part of him felt complete for the first time in his life.
Marcus caught up to them and leaned into the car to say good-bye to Leah. Once the door was closed he walked over to Brooks’s side.
“You know, you and I are going to have to come to an understanding about all this.”
“Meaning what?” Brooks said.
“Meaning, I realize she’s your wife, but she’s having my kid. I’m not going away. You’ve always been a screwup. Finding out you got married blew my mind. Picturing you around a kid…my kid…” He shrugged. “Just making sure you know I’m not going anywhere.”
“You’ve made it painfully clear, Marcus. But right now, I’m going home. With my wife. So, if you’ll excuse us…”
Marcus held his hands up and backed away a couple steps before smiling and turning to walk off. Brooks took a second or two to get a grip on the fury rushing through him before he climbed into the car beside Leah.
The fact that Marcus wasn’t wrong made everything that had come out of his mouth so much worse. Brooks had never seriously entertained the thought that he might want to be someone’s husband and father someday. He was a goofball and a screwup, which was all good and fine when he was on his own. It made people laugh, so at least he could bring a little humor to the world. It was another thing entirely when it was a question of someone depending on him. That was a responsibility he had never wanted. And yet, there he was.
He and Leah still hadn’t discussed what would happen in the near future, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to. If he brought up the topic, it might set things in motion that he wasn’t ready for yet. And with Marcus there, it made the dynamic even more complicated. The thought of dealing with that jag-off for the rest of his life made Brooks want to hop on the next flight for Nowhere and disappear.
For the moment, though, he would keep going along as though they were the happy little family they were pretending to be.
Maybe if he was lucky they could go on pretending forever.