Tash’s stomach felt like it had been invaded with Pa’s nematodes. Everything was knotted and tight, yet there was no dismissing the little lurches of excitement that gripped her each time she thought of riding again.
She should have been filming this afternoon, demonstrating her new recipe for lime and watermelon sorbet. Or editing the morning’s gardening footage, working on her cookbook or new recipes, scheduling blog posts, attending to her social media accounts. Anything other than crawling her car along Castlereagh Road to Springbank.
Why the hell would they want her to take Khan? He was Maddy’s horse, kept close despite the accident because they knew how much she loved him. There was the incident with Patrick, but surely that had been resolved by moving Khan out of sight?
Tash rubbed her brow. She didn’t need this right now. It was too much, too dangerously overlaid with the shards of her and Maddy’s broken friendship.
Still the excitement refused to fade.
She indicated for the driveway. Behind her a long plume of dust rose from the dry surface of Castlereagh Road. The urge to U-turn back into it was enormous, but Tash had never been a coward. Not much of one, anyway. And definitely not since she’d started The Urban Ranger.
Grant was waiting for her. He opened the car door and kissed her cheek. ‘Thanks for coming.’
Nicola hovered in the shade near the open French doors, her hands clasped. Her smile was brittle and her gaze kept flicking between her husband and the paddock behind, where Khan was grazing, tail swishing at flies.
Grant’s palm was soft on Tash’s back as he steered her towards the outdoor setting, laid with a cloth and trays. A jug covered in condensation and a teapot stood alongside glasses and cups, and a plate of chocolate biscuits beginning to melt in the heat.
‘Cuppa? Cold drink?’ asked Nicola.
Tash glanced at Maddy, on her bed close to the open doors. Her eyes were shut, her face slack. Tash hoped she was asleep and unaware of the tension twanging the air like an over-stretched rubber band. ‘Cold drink, thanks.’
Nicola poured, the lip of the jug rattling slightly as it hit the glass, then she sorted Grant’s tea and pushed it towards him. He smiled his thanks but made no move to sip.
‘How are things at Castlereagh?’ he asked in a casual, over-hearty voice. ‘All still going to plan?’
So it was going to be like that—niceties first. Tash suppressed a sigh.
‘It’s working out really well. Feedback so far has been positive. One of the videos went viral. That was pretty awesome.’
‘The one with you doing that funny dance in the paddock?’ asked Nicola. ‘With Coco.’
‘Yeah. Everyone loved that one. She’s so famous now she has her own Facebook page.’ Tash had created it as a joke but the photos of Coco’s deliciously revolting things to roll in—the fouler the better—were weirdly popular. How slobbery Coco could make her tennis ball was another hit magnet. The strangeness of the internet never ceased to amaze. Even dog drool rated.
Grant blinked several times. ‘A dog?’
Tash shrugged. ‘People love animals.’
‘Yes,’ said Nicola, sharing a meaningful glance with Grant. ‘They do.’
Grant leaned forward, palms pressed together. ‘Which leads us into what we wanted to talk to you about.’
Tash rotated her glass, saying nothing. Her stomach was churning and she was sure she could feel Maddy’s eyes burning into her, which was ridiculous. Maddy could hardly focus, and she was asleep. Tash resisted the urge to check.
‘You and Maddy had so much fun as kids, riding. Both horse mad.’
Tash rolled her lips together as a memory of her and Maddy racing each other across the paddocks flashed in her mind. The two of them laughing at the wind and the pound of hooves, high on their youth and seeming invincibility.
No question they’d had fun. Enormous amounts. Tash couldn’t have asked for a better person to grow up with. She lowered her head and studied her thumb as she rubbed it pensively against her forefinger.
‘You sometimes talk about it on your videos,’ said Nicola. ‘The adventures you had.’
‘Sometimes. They’re good memories.’
‘You must miss it,’ said Grant. ‘Riding, I mean. Having a horse.’
‘I do. Very much.’ Which was the truth. Tash did miss it—the farm, the way Bubbles used to nuzzle her hair with her velvet nose and blow soft breaths on her skin. The unique, heady scent of her. The whicker she’d sometimes call on seeing Tash, ears pricked forward. How it felt to have a powerful animal beneath her, responsive to her bidding.
She glanced at Khan. As though aware he was the subject of discussion, his head was up, his ears tuned towards the house.
Grant leaned further forward. ‘Wouldn’t you like to have that again?’
Tash sighed. ‘I would, but like I said on the phone, Khan is Maddy’s horse. I can’t take him away from her.’
‘I understand,’ said Grant, but he didn’t. He couldn’t. Moving Khan to Castlereagh was about far more than adopting the horse. ‘The thing is, Tash, it’s unlikely she even knows he’s there.’
She glanced at Nicola. Her face was strained, mouth pulled downward as though something acid had crawled onto her tongue. Perhaps truth did taste bitter. Tash wondered where her hope had gone. Nicola had been one of the greatest believers in Maddy’s recovery, despite sympathetic assurances from a team of specialists that her current condition was likely as good as she’d get.
An uncomfortable thickness in Tash’s throat had her reaching for her glass, but the cool drink did nothing to dislodge it.
‘I’m sorry. I can’t do it,’ she said. ‘He belongs here, with Maddy.’
Grant’s voice was low. ‘Two years he’s been wandering that paddock, no good to anyone. He’s a trained animal, used to being cared for, ridden. Now he’s going to waste.’ His tone became gentle with his daughter’s name. ‘Maddy wouldn’t want that.’
Perhaps she wouldn’t, but that didn’t mean Maddy would want Khan handed to Tash. ‘Why not sell him then?’
‘To a stranger?’ said Nicola. She stared at her daughter, eyes liquid, and shook her head. ‘You’re her friend. Who else could she trust to look after Khan the way she would?’
‘I can’t.’ Tash’s voice was cracking with the effort to hold the secret of their rift inside. ‘I have too much on. And I’m not staying, you know that. I’m only here for a year, eighteen months at the most.’
‘So you’ll return him at the end,’ said Grant, unmoved.
Tash closed her eyes. Return him? After having a horse back in her life? After renewing her passion and falling in love? How much pain did they want to inflict on her?
Grant was unrelenting. ‘You’ve had a horse before. You could easily fit him around your other work, and you said yourself that people love animals. You could make him part of The Urban Ranger like you have with Coco.’
She could, and her fans would be mad for it. Tash could picture the title of the first instalment: ‘The Urban Ranger Rides Again’. She could overlay it with the William Tell Overture—the theme song of The Lone Ranger. There’d be a cheap recording she could license for use somewhere.
‘Honestly, I can’t.’ But, oh God, she wanted to.
Grant reached to place his hand on hers and squeezed, his expression pleading. ‘Please, Tash.’
‘For Maddy,’ said Nicola.
Tash stared at her. For Maddy? This would never be about Maddy. That’s what scared her. They hadn’t been speaking when she’d fallen, and for all anyone knew Maddy might not want Tash anywhere near her beloved horse. If she took Khan it would be purely because of her own selfishness.
The thickness that had invaded her throat earlier became denser. She couldn’t speak. Couldn’t think. Tash shook her head, hunting for excuses. ‘What about Patrick?’
‘Patrick?’ Grant’s hand lifted from hers, his voice hardening. ‘He’s part of the reason we’re doing this.’
Tash looked from Grant to Nicola. ‘I know you said Patrick wanted to hurt him, but surely keeping Khan out of sight’s enough?’
Nicola shook her head. ‘We both feel it’d be safer for everyone if Khan wasn’t here.’
Safer? How bad had it been with Patrick?
‘You don’t trust him?’
‘He’s not rational when it comes to Khan,’ said Grant. ‘It was just luck I came home when I did. Horse’d be dead otherwise.’
‘He promised it wouldn’t happen again.’ Nicola rubbed her upper arm as though the day still frightened her. ‘But we’d rather not risk it.’
Tash stared at Maddy, suddenly feeling as helpless as she was. If Patrick really was a threat to Khan, how could she say no?
‘I’d have to ask Mum and Dad.’
There was no missing the relief in Nicola’s smile. ‘I already mentioned it to Liz when I ran into her on Saturday. She said it’d be fine.’
Tash frowned. ‘She never mentioned it.’
‘I asked her not to. We wanted to talk to you first.’
‘So?’ asked Grant. ‘You’ll take him?’
‘I need to think about it.’ Her gaze returned to the room behind. ‘And I want to talk to Maddy.’
‘Of course.’ Grant rose and indicated for Nicola to do the same. ‘We’ll be in the kitchen if you need us.’
Tash waited until they’d gathered the tea things and disappeared before she ventured through the French doors. It was silly, even strange, to be doing this when the conversation would be all one-sided, but Tash would never feel right if she didn’t.
She pulled a stool close alongside Maddy’s bed and sat, arching forward to study her expression. It was no different to previous visits but Tash wanted to lock it in her mind. Any flicker of muscle, any reaction when she revealed Grant and Nicola’s plan, and Tash would run as fast from this as she could.
She crossed her arms over her knotted belly. How could she phrase this? Where to start? She rubbed her forehead. ‘I don’t know what to do, Mad. I don’t know what’s right. I don’t know whether I’m being helpful or selfish, and I don’t want to do the wrong thing. By anyone.’ She choked down on a sob, not wanting Grant or Nicola to hear, and disturbed that even now, their rift remained raw.
Tash took half a minute to control her shaky breathing and concentrated back on Maddy’s slack face. ‘They want to give me Khan, Mad. For the time I’m here. To look after, ride, whatever.’ She paused, hunting for a change in Maddy’s expression, and found none. ‘They think you would want it, that you wouldn’t want him going to waste in a paddock.’ Still nothing. ‘They think … they think I’m the best person. That I’m the only one you’d trust to look after him. Because we’re friends.’
Her voice lowered to a choked whisper. ‘But I don’t know if you still see us that way. I don’t know if you’d have forgiven me for cutting you off the way I did.’ Hot tears leaking, she bent even closer, searching, praying for an excuse to say her apologies to Nicola and Grant and walk out. ‘I didn’t mean it to be forever. I just wanted you to experience what it was like to have someone you care about walk out of your life.’
Which is what Mitch had done. Walked away from Tash and her generous heart.
She wiped her wet cheeks and took a moment to calm herself. It was funny, but Tash had never looked twice at Mitch at high school. He was a latecomer, having moved to Emu Springs in Year Ten, which left him with the usual struggles of fitting in and making friends, and his natural reserve did him no favours. Back then Tash was too busy trying to attract the attentions of sporty boys like Clip to bother with Mitch beyond her usual friendliness. Then years later they’d bumped into each other, slightly drunk, in a favourite uni student bar in Melbourne, and what started out as a silly flirtation had led to a date and then a relationship.
They’d only lasted five months, but that was more than enough time for Tash to fall in love. And there was plenty to fall in love with. Mitch wasn’t handsome like Patrick and Clip, but he was sweet and smart. Most of all he made her feel adored.
‘Don’t you think he’s a bit … you know …’ Maddy had said when Tash first phoned her about Mitch.
‘No, I don’t know.’ Although she did.
‘Don’t be a smartarse. You know exactly what I mean. He’s a geek, Tash.’
‘And as everyone knows, geeks inherit the earth. Or at least multi-billion dollar software companies.’ Tash didn’t have to see Maddy to know she’d be rolling her eyes at that. ‘So he’s a bit quiet. Haven’t you heard of still waters running deep? Anyway, he makes me feel special.’ Which had been more than the other men she’d hankered after did. They barely registered her existence.
Maddy had sighed. ‘That’s because you are special, you nong.’
Too busy with study, her part-time job and The Urban Ranger, Tash hadn’t worried about the conversation. Then Maddy came to Melbourne during one of Tash’s semester breaks and they’d spent days adventuring around the city, doing everything from perving on footballers at training, to kayaking around the Docklands, to pubbing and clubbing. Having avoided any of their other activities, despite both Tash and Maddy’s pleas, on the last night Tash managed to drag a reluctant Mitch out to a nightclub. It had been a disaster, but Tash had no idea how much of one until two days later, when he suddenly announced it’d never work between them.
‘I don’t understand,’ Tash had said. ‘What have I done?’
‘Nothing. It’s not you, it’s me.’
If she hadn’t been so upset Tash would have laughed at the cliché.
‘But I thought we were happy. I thought you …’ She swallowed and looked away, searching her mind for what had gone wrong. She remembered the club, leaving him alone with Maddy at the bar while she’d tottered drunkenly off to the loo. Mitch telling her on her return that he was heading home. ‘It was Maddy, wasn’t it?’
His silence answered the question.
‘What did she say?’
Mitch shook his head. ‘It doesn’t matter.’
Incomprehension had given way to anger. ‘You’re dumping me because of something my friend said?’
‘I’m not dumping you, I’m just …’ He rubbed his hand over his head. ‘It’ll be better this way, in the long run.’ He opened the door and looked back at her. ‘You’re a great girl, Tash.’ He smiled sadly, and for a moment she was sure he was going to say more. Instead he crossed the room, cupped her face and pressed his forehead against hers. ‘Take care, pretty girl.’
Then he kissed her and was gone.
Maddy must have apologised a hundred times, but what good were apologies when Tash’s heart was broken? She refused Maddy’s offer to call Mitch and make it right. Mitch had made his choice and Tash didn’t want him back anyway. Why would she? He’d proved himself a coward, preferring to walk away from her love than risk it on a future that might never have happened.
It would have ended there if not for Maddy commenting that the breakup was probably for the best. As she’d told Mitch that night, he wasn’t the man for Tash. The past few days had proved that. He was too indoorsy, too introverted, and while it worked for now, she’d outgrow him soon enough. And Tash, being Tash, would be too kind to dump him and end up miserable.
Fuelled by heartache, Tash’s temper had exploded. The ensuing argument dragged up years of petty hurts and accusations, and concluded with Tash telling Maddy exactly where she could stick her paternalistic version of friendship. Tash could manage her own life without it, thanks very much.
And so the cold war had begun. Only for Maddy it never ended.
Weariness settled on Tash, a defeated feeling she hadn’t experienced in ages. She eased back and rubbed her face. All through the conversation Maddy’s gaze had continued its indeterminate circuit, circling left, right and nowhere. Her mouth barely moved beyond the usual meaningless twists. If understanding existed, it was buried so deep any response was impossible.
Tash rested her cheek in her hand for a moment and regarded Maddy. ‘Pa’s right. It doesn’t matter anymore. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt. The truth is, I would love to have Khan, but whether I’d be taking him to help you or for my own ends I don’t know.’
She stared out the doors to Khan. His head was down again, coat glossy in the sun. She looked back at Maddy, trying to imagine what it would be like if their positions were reversed, if it was Tash’s misfortune to be lying there, with Bubbles on the line. What would she want?
The comparison wasn’t quite the same. Bubbles was never in Khan’s class. She was an old adored farm horse, and wouldn’t have cared where she lived as long as she remained well fed and watered. Endless days grazing on good pasture? No exercise? Horse nirvana for Bubbles, but it was impossible to know if the same could be said for Khan. For all his breeding he was still a dumb animal, unable to communicate. Yet Tash had visited Springbank enough times since the accident to notice how Khan followed cars up the drive and hung his head over the fence to watch their passengers alight, and whickered in delighted greeting when anyone approached. The horse was hungry for attention, any attention.
Would Tash want Bubbles to be that lonely? No, and she would absolutely not want her in danger. Ever.
‘If I do this—and I still don’t know if I will—I promise you I’ll look after him. That he’ll get all the love and care you’d have given, and more. Because I want to think that, despite everything, if our lives were reversed you’d do the same for me and Bubbles. Maybe I’m wrong, I don’t know.’ She sniffed and swallowed. ‘I want to believe the friendship we had was worth something. It has to be, otherwise what was the point?’
Out of things to say, she patted Maddy’s forearm and rose. The fear that she was exploiting someone who couldn’t defend herself remained, and even though it brought no answer, talking had at least felt like a kind of reconciliation.
Nicola met her halfway across the room, her smile sympathetic when she saw Tash’s tear-stained face. ‘You okay?’
‘Not really.’ She held the older woman’s gaze. ‘I’m worried, Nicola.’
‘Don’t be. Grant and I have spent a long time discussing this and we honestly feel it’s for the best. We wouldn’t ask if we didn’t.’
‘I know. I just …’ She closed her eyes. God, this was horrible. ‘I don’t want to do the wrong thing by her.’
Nicola took Tash’s hands. She looked at Maddy and back at Tash. ‘I’m sure you’ll make the right decision.’
Yes, Tash would, but the question was: the right decision for who?