HAPPY DISCOVERY
“I can't believe it!”
Chrissie walked in the gardens alone, doing a little pirouette under the arbor when she was sure she was out of sight of the castle. She hummed a little tune to herself and looked up at the sky, its stark blue shining through the tracery of dark green leaves.
Blaine had walked with her. Kissed her. She sighed as she remembered that kiss, the memory of it touching her in a strange way, making her whole body tingle as if it were on fire. She giggled, remembering the delicious sensation of his lips nibbling hers.
“Blaine!” she whispered, loving simply hearing his name from her mouth.
She laughed at herself. How had this happened? She had always hated him! Well, maybe not always...
The more she thought about it, the more she realized she had never truly hated him. She had always loved him, in fact. Always felt...how she felt now. It was just so intense, so feverish, that it made her feel awkward and strange and offish around him. It was not that she hated him, but hated the intensity of how he made her feel.
“I love Blaine MacNeil,” she said, trying the statement. It sounded so good that it made her laugh again. Her chest felt as if sunshine radiated from it and all the world was lit with it. She was so happy.
“Chrissie?”
A voice, gravely calling her, broke her silent reverie. “Heath!” she jumped up suddenly. In her happy state she forgot all about Heath. She felt color rise to her cheeks in embarrassment. How could she have? Heath thought that...She buried her head in her hands. He thought she was in love with him! Now she knew it was not so. How was she supposed to tell him?
“Chrissie?” His voice sounded concerned. He stepped into the arbor and, seeing her on the bench under the willow trees, stopped. “Are you well? Can I help you?”
Chrissie looked up. Her face was red with shame, she could feel it, and she didn't want to meet his eye.
“Heath,” she said carefully. “No, I am well. If you would leave me here? I'll come up to the house soon.”
Heath didn't move. “Chrissie? I won't leave you like this. You're crying.”
Chrissie bit her lip, feeling angry with herself. She cuffed away tears and glared fixedly at a spot across from the arbor, willing herself to stop crying. “No,” she said resolutely. “I'm fine.”
“You know,” Heath sighed, coming to sit down beside her, “I wanted to talk to you. I've been worried about my future, and...and lots of things. I wanted to talk because I need to know what you think. Is it good if I do?”
“Very well,” Chrissie said tightly. He reached for her hand but she pulled away. She kept looking resolutely ahead, taking refuge in anger. He sighed.
“Chrissie, I have always loved you. You know that. From the moment I saw you. But...” He made a helpless gesture with his hands. “Oh, Heaven! I'm no good at this, am I? I wanted to tell you that...Chrissie. I want to become a knight. It's what I always wanted, since I was a boy. You know knights take holy orders, don't you? Chrissie? Are you still listening? I need your understanding. Your pardon.”
Chrissie turned to face him. Her blue eyes swam with tears, but they were happy ones. Tears of relief.
“Oh, Heath!” she exclaimed. She wrapped her arms around him and held him close, squeezing him to her breast like she would a child, or a brother. “That's such wonderful news! Oh, that makes me happy.”
Heath looked up at her. He stared. “Chrissie?” he asked gently, as if he was worried she might be becoming unhinged. “You did understand what I meant, didn't you? I will never marry.”
“Oh, yes! Heath. I do understand. I do! And that does make me happy. You see, I have always loved you. However, it is a different love. Like a brother. I can't explain but, oh! It's wonderful.”
Heath smiled at her, a bemused grin splitting his face. “I don't know if I do understand, Chrissie,” he said softly. “But this is good news. Thank you. Oh, thank you.”
He kissed her then, and the kiss was gentle, chaste and loving. He looked as if he was trying not to cry himself. His lips leaned against hers, each taking strength from their closeness, yet making no demands. Wanting no more but to be near, to feel love, and to share friendship.
“Heath,” she said softly, when their kiss was broken. “I am so, so pleased that you have told me this. It makes me so happy. You will be a wonderful knight. I know you will.”
Heath looked at her a little uncertainly. His handsome face lit with a gentle grin. “You really think so?”
“I know so!” Chrissie beamed. She squeezed his hand. “Oh, Heath! That is the best news ever. I am so happy for you. For both of us. This will mean so many exciting things! Are you going to travel?”
“I don't really know yet,” Heath said slowly. “I will go with Uncle Seamus. He is a knight in St. James' order. We will travel to Edinburgh and from there? Who knows?” he gave a sigh, dark eyes seeing visions of his future.
“You will go all over the world and see wonderful things and, some day, you will come here and bring me special presents,” Chrissie said decidedly.
He laughed, eyes sparkling. “I take that as an order. The first of my office.”
They sat for a moment, thinking about the future. The silence stretched, filled only with the sound of bees in the last flowers of lavender. Chrissie cleared her throat, wanting to break the gulf between them.
“Good!” she said. “And by the way, speaking of presents, I like jewelry.”
He laughed. “Consider it done. Any preferences?”
She tilted her head on one side, pretending to contemplate the suggestion. “Well, pearls are my favorite, so anything with those would be the best gift.”
He chuckled and gave her a playful nudge. “I shall do my best.”
The joyful aspect of their conversation settled and they both contemplated the less pleasant side of things. He would go far – all the way to the Levant, probably, where there was still much unrest – and he would face combat and, possibly, war, and many perils. She would stay here, and likely marry and...who knew? All she could know at that moment was that they loved each other deeply and there would not be a time when she would not sometimes think of him and wonder where he was or how he fared. Nevertheless, they would not have to marry. They were both free to love, to explore, and to come back and share their journeys with each other, whenever they could meet.
“You will leave soon?” she asked in a small voice.
“Next month,” Heath said shortly. “I am waiting for my uncle to come back from the capital, and then we will go together. First Edinburgh, and then to the coast and Rome, where I will be ordained and join the Hospital of St. James. I cannot quite believe it.”
Chrissie sighed, her eyes wide. She had no idea of what it might be like to travel like that. She herself had never been much further than Dunkeld. To go so far across the sea was inconceivable. She looked into his eyes searchingly. “You will take care of yourself? Don't do any foolish things?”
Heath threw back his head with easy laughter. “Oh, Chrissie,” he said fondly. “I promise I will try not to. Thank you. Thank you for caring so much.”
Chrissie sighed. She looked at him carefully, drinking in every aspect of his face from his soft eyes to his straight nose and fine chin with its slight cleft. He looks like a knight. He was gallant, gentlemanly, respectful, handsome...everything she imagined a knight was meant to be. Sir Gawain from the stories. She kissed him on the cheek.
“Oh, Heath,” Chrissie said in a small voice, resting her head on his shoulder, “I love you. I really, really do. I always will. And I am so happy for you.”
He kissed her cheek and his hand held hers.
They sat there for a long moment before he stood and went inside and she stayed there, looking out over the sward and thinking about her future – a future in which she was free to love.
Whenever she thought of that, her thoughts strayed irrevocably to Blaine. She wondered what he was doing now.