Chapter Ten
At first he wasn’t sure he heard her correctly or if his own subconscious had conjured the words out of nowhere.
But then he looked at her and her eyes were solemn, intense and more than a little nervous.
He swallowed hard. “Same here. It’s all I could think about during dinner. I would like, more than anything, to kiss you again.”
She opened her mouth as if she wanted to object. He waited for it, bracing himself for yet one more disappointment. To his utter shock, she took a step forward instead, placed her hands against his chest and lifted her face in clear invitation.
He didn’t hesitate for an instant. How could he? He wasn’t a stupid man. He framed her face with his hands, then lowered his mouth, brushing against hers once, twice. Her mouth was cool, her lips trembling, and she tasted of raspberry and chocolate from Louisa’s cheesecake—rich, heady. Irresistible.
At first she seemed nervous, unsure, but after only a moment, her hands slid around his neck and she pressed against him, surrendering to the heat swirling between them.
He was awash in tenderness, completely enamored with the courageous woman in his arms.
Optimism bubbled up inside him, a tiny trickle at first, then growing stronger as she sighed against his mouth and returned his kiss with a renewed enthusiasm that took his breath away. For the first time in days, he began to think that maybe, just maybe, she was beginning to see that this was real, that they were perfect together.
They kissed for several delicious moments, until his breathing was ragged and he wanted nothing more than to find a soft pile of straw somewhere, lower her down and show her exactly how amazing things could be between them.
A particularly fierce gust of wind rattled the windows of the barn, distracting him enough to realize a cold, drafty barn that smelled of animals and hay might not be the most romantic of spots.
With supreme effort, he forced his mouth to slide away from hers, pressing his forehead to hers and giving them both a chance to collect their breath and their thoughts.
Her eyes were dazed, aroused. “I feel like I’ve been asleep for nearly three years and now...I’m not,” she admitted.
He pressed a soft kiss on her mouth again. “Welcome back.”
She smiled a little but it slid away too soon, replaced by an anxious expression, and she took another step away. He wanted to tug her back into his arms but he knew he couldn’t kiss her into accepting the possibilities between them, as tempting as he found that idea.
“I’m afraid,” she admitted.
His growing optimism cooled like the air that rushed between them. “Of what? I hope you know I would rather stab myself in the foot with a pitchfork than ever hurt you.”
“Maybe I don’t want to hurt you,” she whispered, her features distressed. “You’re the best man I know, Chase. When I think about...about not having you in my life, I feel like I’m going to throw up. But I’m not sure I’m ready for this again—or that I ever will be.”
Well. That was honest enough. He had to respect it, even if he didn’t like it. It took him a moment to grab his scrambled thoughts and formulate them into something he hoped came out coherently.
“That’s a decision you’ll have to make,” he said, choosing his words with care. “But think about those puppies. We can keep them here under that heat lamp forever where it’s safe and warm and dry. That’s the best place for them right now, I agree, while they’re tiny and vulnerable. But they won’t always be the way they are right now, and what kind of existence would those puppies have if they could never really have the chance to experience the world? They’re meant to run across fields and chase birds and lie stretched out in the summer sunshine. To live.”
She let out a breath. “You’re comparing me to those puppies.”
“I’m only saying I understand you’ve suffered a terrible loss. I know how hard you’ve fought to work through the grief. It’s only natural to want to protect yourself, to be afraid of moving out of the safe place you’ve created for yourself out of that grief.”
“Terrified,” she admitted.
His heart ached for her and the struggle he had forced on her. He wanted to reach for her hands but didn’t trust himself to touch her right now. “I can tell you this, Faith. You have too much love inside you to spend the rest of your life hiding inside that safe haven while the world moves on without you.”
Her gaze narrowed. “That’s easy for you to say. You never lost someone you loved with all your heart.”
He wanted to tell her he had, only in a different way. He had lost her over and over again—though could a guy really lose what he’d never had?
“You’re right. I can only imagine,” he lied.
As tempting as it was to tell her everything in his heart—that he had loved her since that afternoon he took her shopping for Aunt Mary—he didn’t dare. Not yet. Something told him that would send her running away even faster.
She would have to be the one to make the decision about whether she was ready to open her heart again.
The storm rattled the window again, fierce and demanding, and she shivered suddenly, though he couldn’t tell if it was from the cold or from the emotional winds battering them. Either way, he didn’t want her to suffer.
“Let’s get you back to the house. Mary will be wondering where we are.”
She nodded. After one more check of the puppies, she tugged her gloves back on and headed out into the night.
* * *
Faith was fiercely aware of him as they walked from the barn to the ranch house with the wind and snow howling around them.
She felt as if all the progress she had made toward rebuilding her world had been tossed out into this storm. She had been so proud of herself these last few months. The kids were doing well, the ranch was prospering, she had finally developed a new routine and had begun to be more confident in what she was doing.
While she wouldn’t say she had been particularly happy, at least she had found some kind of acceptance with her new role as a widow. She was more comfortable in her own skin.
Now she felt as if everything had changed again. Once more she was confused, off balance, not sure how to put one more step in front of the other and forge a new path.
She didn’t like it.
Even in the midst of her turmoil, she couldn’t miss the way he placed his body in the path of the wind to protect her from the worst of it. That was so much like Chase, always looking out for her. It warmed her heart, even as it made her ache.
“You still need your groceries,” she said when they reached the house. “Come in and I’ll grab them.”
He looked as if he had something more to say but he finally nodded and followed her inside.
Though she could hear the television playing down the hall in the den, the kitchen was dark and empty. A clean, vacant kitchen on Sunday night after the big family party always left her feeling a little bereft, for some strange reason.
She flipped on the light and discovered a brown paper bag on the counter with his name on it. She couldn’t resist peeking inside and discovered it contained a half dozen of the dinner rolls. Knowing Aunt Mary and her habits, she pulled open the refrigerator and found another bag with his name on it.
“It looks like Mary saved some leftovers for you.”
“Excellent. It will be nice not having to worry about dinner tomorrow.”
She knew he rarely cooked when Addie was with her mother, subsisting on frozen meals, sandwiches and the occasional steaks he grilled in a batch. Mary knew it, too, which might be another reason she invited him over so often.
Faith headed to the walk-in pantry where she had left the things she bought at the store for him.
“Here you go. Dishwashing detergent, dish soap and paper towels.”
“That should do it. Thanks for picking them up for me.”
“It was no trouble at all.”
“I’ll check in with you first thing in the morning to see if you had any storm damage.”
If she were stronger, she would tell him thank you but it wasn’t necessary. At some point in a woman’s life, she had to figure out how to clean up her own messes. Instead, she did her best to muster a smile. “Be careful driving home.”
He nodded. Still looking as if he had something more to say, he headed for the door. He put a hand on the knob but before he could turn it, he whirled back around, stalked over to her and kissed her hard with a ferocity and intensity that made her knees so weak she had to clutch at his coat to keep from falling.
She could only be grateful none of her family members came into the kitchen just then and stumbled over them.
When he pulled away, a muscle in his jaw worked but he only looked at her out of solemn, intense eyes.
“Good night,” he said.
She didn’t have the breath to speak, even if she trusted herself to say anything, so she only nodded.
The moment he left, she pulled her ranch coat off with slow, painstaking effort, hung it in the mudroom, then sank down into a kitchen chair, fighting the urge to bury her face in her hands and weep.
She felt like the world’s biggest idiot.
She knew she relied on him, that he had become her rock and the core of her support system since Travis died. He made her laugh and think, he challenged her, he praised her when things went well and held her when they didn’t.
All this time, when she considered him her dearest friend, some part of her already knew the feelings she had for him ran deeper than that.
She felt so stupid that it had taken her this long to figure it out. She had always known she loved him, just as she had told him earlier.
She had just never realized she was also in love with him.
How had it happened? How could she have let it happen?
She should have known something had shifted over the last few months when she started anticipating the times she knew she would see him with a new sort of intensity, when she became more aware of the way other women looked at him when they were together, as she started noticing a ripple of muscle, the solid strength of him as he did some ordinary task in the barn.
She should have realized, but it all just seemed so...natural.
She was still sitting there trying to come to terms with the shock when Mary came into the kitchen wearing her favorite flannel nightgown over long underwear and thick socks.
“Did Chase take off? I had leftovers for him.”
She summoned a smile that felt a little wobbly at the edges. “He took them. Don’t worry.”
“Oh, you know me. Worrying is what I do best.” Mary looked out the window where the snow lashed in hard pellets. “I’ll tell you, I don’t like him driving into the teeth of that nasty wind. All it would take would be one tree limb to fall on his pickup truck.”
Her heart clutched at the unbearable thought.
This. This was why she couldn’t let herself love him. She would not survive losing a man she loved a second time.
She pushed the grim fear away, choosing instead to focus on something positive.
“Rosie had her puppies. Five of them.”
“Is that right?” Mary looked pleased.
“They’re adorable. I’m sure the kids will want to see them first thing.”
“I made them take their showers for the night. Barrett isn’t very happy with me right now but I’m sure he’ll get over it. They’re both in their rooms, reading.”
She would go read to them in a moment. It was her favorite part of the day, those quiet moments when she could cuddle her children and explore literary worlds with them. “Thank you,” she said to her aunt. “I don’t tell you enough how much I appreciate your help.”
Mary sat down across from her at the table. “Are you okay? You seem upset.”
For a moment, she desperately wanted to confide in her beloved great-aunt, who was just about the wisest person she knew. The words wouldn’t come, though. Mary wouldn’t be an unbiased observer in this particular case as Mary adored Chase and always had.
“I’m just feeling a little down tonight.”
Mary took Faith’s hands in her own wrinkled, age-spotted ones. “I get that way sometimes. The holidays sure make me feel alone.”
A hard nugget of guilt lodged in her chest. She wasn’t the only one in the world who had ever suffered heartache. Uncle Claude had died five years earlier and they all still missed him desperately.
“You’re not alone,” she told her aunt. “You’ve got us, as long as you want us.”
“I know that, my dear, and I can’t tell you how grateful I am for that.” Mary squeezed her fingers. “It’s not quite the same. I miss my Claude.”
She thought of her big, burly, white-haired great-uncle, who had adored Christmas so much that he had started The Christmas Ranch with one small herd of reindeer to share his love of the holiday with the community.
“I’m thinking about dating again,” Mary announced. “What do you think?”
She blinked at that completely unexpected piece of information. “Really?”
“Why not? Your uncle’s been gone for years and I’m not getting any younger.”
“I... No. You’re not. I think it’s great. Really great.”
Her aunt made a face. “I don’t know about great. More like a necessary evil. I’d like to get married again, have a companion in my old age, and unfortunately you usually have to go through the motions and go on a few dates first in order to get there.”
Her seventy-year-old great-aunt was braver than she was. It was another humbling realization. “Do you have someone in mind?”
Her aunt shrugged. “A couple of widowers at the senior citizens center have asked me out. They’re nice enough, but I was thinking about asking Pat Walters out to dinner.”
She tried not to visibly react to yet another stunner. For years, Pat had been one of the men who played Santa Claus at The Christmas Ranch. His wife had died just a few months after Uncle Claude.
She digested the information and the odd rightness of the idea.
“You absolutely should,” she finally said. “He’s a great guy.”
“He is. Truth is, we went out a few times three years ago when I was living in town and we had a lot of fun together. I didn’t tell you girls because it was early days yet and there was nothing much to tell.”
She shrugged her ample shoulders. “But then Travis died and I moved back in here to help you with the kids. I just didn’t feel like the time was right to complicate things so Pat and I put things on the back burner for a while.”
Oh, the guilt. The nugget turned into a full-on boulder. Had she really been so wrapped up in her own pain that she hadn’t noticed a romance simmering right under her nose?
What else had she missed?
“I wish you had told me,” she said. “I hate that you put your life on hold for me. I would have been okay. Celeste was here to help me out in the evenings and I could have hired someone to help me with Lou and Barrett when I was busy on the ranch and couldn’t take them with me.”
Mary frowned. “I didn’t tell you about Pat to make you feel guilty. You didn’t force me to move in after Travis died. You didn’t even ask me. I did it because I needed to, because that’s what family does for each other.”
Mary and Claude had been helping her and her sisters for eighteen years, since they had been three traumatized, frightened, grieving girls.
Her aunt, with her quiet strength, support and wisdom, had been a lifesaver to her after her parents died and even more of one after Travis died.
“I can never repay you for everything you’ve done,” she said, her throat tight and the hot burn of tears behind her eyes.
Mary sat back in her chair and skewered her with a stern look. “Is that what you think I want? For you to repay me?”
“Of course! I wish I could.”
“Well, you’re right. I do.”
She blinked. “Okay.”
“You can do that by showing me I taught you a thing or two over the years about surviving and thriving, even when the going is tough.”
She stared at her aunt, wondering where this was coming from. “I... What do you mean?”
“Life isn’t meant to be lived in fear, honey,” Mary said.
It was so similar to her recent conversation with Chase that she had to swallow. “I know.”
“Do you?” Mary pressed. “I’m just saying. Chase won’t wait around for you forever, you know.”
Faith pulled her hands from her aunt’s and curled them into fists on her lap. “I don’t know what you mean.”
Mary snorted. “Of the three of you, you were always the worst liar. You know exactly what I mean. That boy is in love with you and has been forever.”
She felt hot and then ice-cold. First Celeste, now Aunt Mary. What had they seen that she had missed all this time?
She wanted to protest but even in her head, any counterargument she tried to formulate sounded stupid and trite. Was it true? Had he been in love with her and had she been so preoccupied with life that she hadn’t realized?
Or worse, much worse, had she realized it on some subconscious level and simply taken it for granted all this time?
“Chase is my best friend, Mary. He’s been like a father to the kids since Travis died. And you and I both know we would have had to sell the ranch if he hadn’t helped me pull it back from the brink.”
Her aunt gave her a hard look. “Seems to me there are worse things to base a relationship on. Not to mention, he’s one good-looking son of a gun.”
She couldn’t deny that. And he kissed like a dream.
“I’m so scared,” she whispered.
Mary made that snorting noise again. “Who isn’t, honey? If you’re not scared sometimes, you’re just plain stupid. The trick is to decide how much of your life you’re willing to sacrifice for those fears.”
Before she could come up with an answer, her aunt rose. “I’m going to turn in and you’ve got kids waiting for you to read to them.”
She rose, as well. “Thank you, Mary.”
She didn’t know if she was thanking her for the advice or the last eighteen years of wisdom. She supposed it didn’t really matter.
Her aunt hugged her. “Don’t worry. You’ll figure it out. Good night, honey. Sleep well.”
She would have laughed if she thought she could pull it off without sounding hysterical.
Something told her more than the wind would be keeping her up that night.
* * *
She didn’t see Chase at all the next week. Maybe he was only giving her space, as she had asked, or maybe he was as busy at his place as she was at the Star N, trying to finish up random jobs before the holidays.
Or maybe he was finally fed up with her cowardice and indecision.
Though she didn’t see him, she did talk to him on the phone twice.
He called her once on Monday morning, the day after the storm and that stunning kiss in the barn, to make sure her ranch hadn’t sustained significant damage from the winds and snows.
On Thursday afternoon, he called to tell her he was driving to Boise to pick up Addie a day earlier than planned and asked if she needed him to bring anything back from Boise for the kids’ stockings.
He had sounded distant and frazzled. She knew how tough it was for him to be separated from Addie over the holidays, which made his thoughtfulness in worrying about Louisa and Barrett even more touching.
Again, she wanted to smack Cindy for her selfishness in booking a cruise over the holidays without consulting him.
He could have withheld permission and the court would have sided with him. After Cindy sprang the news on him, though, he had told Faith he hadn’t wanted to drag Addie into a war between her parents.
As a result, he was planning their own Christmas celebration a few days before the actual holiday, complete with Christmas Eve dinner, presents and all.
“I think we’re covered,” she told him, her heart aching. “Be careful driving back. Oh, and let Addie know she’s still on to sing with Louisa and Olivia. Ella is planning on it.”
“I’ll tell her. She’ll be thrilled. Thanks.”
She wanted to tell him so many other things. That she hadn’t stopped thinking about him. That their kisses seemed to play through her head on an endless loop. That she just needed a little more time. She couldn’t find the courage to say any of it so he ended up telling her goodbye rather abruptly and severing the connection.
There had been times when they stayed on the phone the entire time he drove to Boise to pick up his daughter, never running out of things to talk about.
Were those days gone forever?
She sighed now and headed toward Saint Nicholas Lodge with a couple of letters that had been delivered to the main house by accident, probably because the post office had temporary help handling the holiday mail volume.
Though she waved at the longtime clerk at the gift store, she didn’t stop to chat, heading straight for the office instead, where she found Hope sitting behind her desk.
“Mail delivery,” Faith announced, setting the letters on the desk. “It looks like a bill for reindeer food and one for candy canes. I might have a tough time convincing my accountant those are legitimate expenses for a cattle ranch.”
When Hope didn’t reply, Faith’s gaze sharpened on her sister. Fear suddenly clutched her when she registered her sister’s pale features, her pinched mouth, the haunted eyes. “What is it, honey? What’s wrong?”
“Oh, Faith. I... I was just about to call you.”
Her sister’s last word ended in a sob that she tried to hide but Faith wasn’t fooled. She also suddenly realized her sister’s arms were crossed protectively across her abdomen.
“What’s wrong? Is it the baby?”
Hope nodded, tears dripping down the corners of her eyes. “I’ve been having crampy aches all day and I... I just don’t feel good. I was just in the bathroom and...had some spotting. Oh, Faith. I’m afraid I’m losing the baby.”
She burst into tears and Faith instantly went to her side and wrapped her arms around her. Her younger sister was normally so controlled in any crisis. Even when they had been kidnapped, Hope had been calm and cool.
Seeing her lose it like this broke Faith’s heart in two.
“What do you need me to do? I can call Rafe. I can run you into the doctor’s. Whatever you need.”
“I just called Rafe.” Hope wiped at her eyes, though she continued to weep. “He’s on his way and we’re running into Jake Dalton’s office. It might be nothing. I might be overreacting. I hope so.”
“I do, too.” She whispered a prayer that her sister could endure whatever outcome.
She wouldn’t let herself focus on the worst, thinking instead about what a wonderful mother Hope would be. She was made for it. She loved children and had spent much of her adult life following their parents’ examples and trying to help those in need around the world in her own way.
Really, coming home and running The Christmas Ranch had been one more way Hope wanted to help people, by giving them a little bit of holiday spirit in a frazzled word.
“It’s the worst possible time,” Hope said, her eyes distressed. “Within the hour, I’ve got forty kids showing up to practice for the play.”
“That is absolutely the least of your concerns,” Faith said, going into big sister mode. “I forbid you to worry about a single thing at The Christmas Ranch. You’ve got an excellent staff, not to mention a family ready to step in and cover whatever else you might need. Focus on yourself and on the baby. That’s an order.”
Hope managed a wobbly smile that did nothing to conceal the fear beneath it. “You’re always so bossy.”
“That’s right.” She squeezed her sister’s fingers. “And right now I’m ordering you to lie down and wait for your husband, this instant.”
Hope went to the low sofa in the office and complied. While she rested, Faith found her sister’s coat and her voluminous tote bag and carried them both to her, then sat holding her hand for a few more moments, until Rafe arrived.
He looked as pale as his wife and hugged her tightly, green eyes murky with worry. “Whatever happens, we’ll be okay,” he assured her.
It took all her strength not to sob at the gentleness of the big, tough former navy SEAL as he all but carried Hope out to his SUV and settled her into the passenger side. Faith handed her the tote bag she had carried along.
“Call me the minute you know anything,” she ordered.
“I will. I promise. Faith, can you stay during rehearsals to make sure Ella has everything she needs?”
“Of course.”
“Don’t tell Barrett and Lou yet. I don’t want them to worry.”
“Nothing to tell,” she said. “Because you and that baby are going to be absolutely fine.”
If she kept saying that, perhaps she could make it true.
She watched them drive away, shivering a little until she realized she had left her own coat in Hope’s office. Before she could go inside for it, she spotted Chase’s familiar pickup truck.
How did he always know when she needed him? she wondered, then realized he must be dropping Addie off for rehearsal.
She didn’t care why he had come. Only that he was there.
She moved across the parking lot without even thinking it through. Desperate for the strength and comfort of his embrace, she barely gave him time to climb out of his vehicle before she was at his side, wrapping her arms tightly around him.
She saw shock and concern flash in his eyes for just an instant before he held her tight against him. “What’s going on? What’s wrong?” he asked, his voice urgent.
Addie was with him, Faith realized with some dismay. She couldn’t burst into tears, not without the girl wondering about it and then telling Lou and Barrett, contrary to Hope’s wishes.
“It’s Hope,” she whispered in his ear. “She’s threatening a miscarriage.”
He growled a curse that made Addie blink.
“It’s too early to know for sure yet,” Faith said quietly. “Rafe just took her to the doctor.”
“What can I do?”
It was so like him to want to fix everything. The thought would have made her smile if she weren’t so very worried. “I don’t think we can do anything yet. Just hope and pray she and the baby will both be okay.”
“Will she need extra help here at The Christmas Ranch? I can cover you at the Star N if you need to step in here until the New Year.”
Oh, the dear man. He was already doing extra work for their neighbor and now he wanted to add Faith’s workload to his pile, as well.
“I hope I don’t have to take you up on that but it’s too early to say right now.”
“Keep me posted.”
“I will. I... Thank you, Chase.”
“You’re welcome.”
She would have said more but other children started to arrive and the moment was gone.