Chapter Seven
Though she didn’t raise her voice, her hard-edged words seemed to echo through his pickup truck.
I have to ask you not to kiss me again.
She meant what she said. He knew that tone of voice. It was the same one she used with the kids when meting out punishment for behavioral infractions or with cattle buyers when they tried to negotiate and offered a price below market value.
Her mind was made up and she wouldn’t be swayed by anything he had to say.
Tension gripped his shoulders and he didn’t know what the hell to say.
“That’s blunt enough, I guess,” he finally answered. “Funny, but you seemed to be into it at the moment. I guess I misread the signs.”
Her mouth tightened. “It’s a strange night. Neither of us is acting like ourselves. Can we just...leave it at that?”
That was the last thing he wanted to do. He wanted to kiss her again until she couldn’t think straight.
He hadn’t misread any signs and they both knew it. After that first moment of shock, she returned the kiss with an enthusiasm and eagerness that had left him stunned and hungry.
“Can you just take me home?” she asked in a low voice.
“If that’s what you want,” he said.
“It is,” she answered tersely.
A few moments ago she had wanted him.
She was attracted to him. Lately he had been almost sure of it but some part of him had worried his own feelings for her were clouding his judgment. That kiss and her response told him the sexual spark hadn’t been one-sided.
Nice to know he was right about that, at least.
She was attracted to him but she didn’t want to be. How did a guy work past that conundrum?
The task suddenly seemed insurmountable.
He put the pickup in gear and focused on driving instead of on the growing realization that she might never be willing to accept him as anything more than her oldest and dearest friend.
Maybe, just maybe, it was time he accepted that and moved on with his life.
* * *
Though his features remained set and hard as he drove her back to the Star N, Chase carried on a casual conversation with her about the new horse, about a bit of gossip he heard about cattle futures at the stockgrowers’ party, about Addie’s Christmas presents that still needed to be wrapped.
Under other circumstances, she might have been quite proud of her halfway intelligent responses—especially when she really wanted to collapse into a boneless, quivering heap on the truck seat.
She couldn’t stop remembering that kiss—the heat and the magic and the wild intensity of it.
Her heartbeat still seemed unnaturally loud in her ears and she hadn’t quite managed to catch her breath, though she could almost manage to string two thoughts together now.
She felt very much like a tiny island in the middle of a vast arctic river just beginning the spring thaw, with chunks of ice and fast-flowing water buffeting against it in equal parts, bringing life back to the frozen landscape.
She didn’t want to come to life again. She wanted that river of need to stay submerged under a hard layer of impenetrable ice forever.
Knowing that hollow ache was still there, that her sexuality hadn’t shriveled up and died with Travis, completely terrified her.
She was a little angry about it, too, if she were honest. Why couldn’t she just resume the state of affairs of the last thirty months, that sense of suspended animation?
This was Chase. Her best friend. The man she relied on for a hundred different things. How could she possibly laugh and joke with him like always when she would now be remembering just how his mouth had slid across hers, the glide of his tongue, the heat of his muscles against her chest.
She didn’t want that river of need to come to churning, seething life again.
Yes, her world had been cold and sterile since Travis died, but it was safe.
She felt like she was suffocating suddenly, as if that wild flare of heat between them had consumed all the oxygen.
She rolled her window down a crack and closed her eyes at the welcome blast of cold air.
“Too warm?” he asked.
Oh, yes. He didn’t know the half of it. “A little,” she answered in a grave understatement.
He turned the fan down on the heating system just as her phone buzzed. She pulled it from the small beaded handbag Celeste had offered for the occasion.
It was a text from her sister: Girls are asleep. Don’t rush home. Have fun.
She glanced at the message, then slid her phone back into the totally impractical bag.
“Problem?” he asked.
“Not really. I think Celeste was just checking in. She said the girls are asleep.”
“I hope Addie was good.”
“She’s never any trouble. Really, we love having her around. She always seems to set a good example for my kids.”
“Even Barrett?”
She relaxed a little. Talking about their children was much easier than discussing everything else.
“He can be such a rascal when Addie’s there. I don’t get it. He teases both of them mercilessly. I try to tell him to cut it out but the truth is I think he has a little crush on her.”
“Older women. They’re nothing but trouble. I had the worst crush on Maggie Cruz but she never paid me the slightest bit of attention. Why would she? I was in fifth grade and she was in eighth and we were on totally different planets.”
The only crush she could remember having was the son of the butcher in the last village where they’d lived in Colombia. He had dark, soulful eyes and curly dark hair and always gave her all the best cuts when she went to the market for her family.
That seemed another lifetime ago. She couldn’t even remember being that girl who once smiled at a cute boy.
By the time Chase pulled up to the Star N a few moments later, her hormones had almost stopped zinging around.
He put the truck in Park and opened his door.
“Since Addie’s asleep, you don’t have to come in,” she said quickly, before he could climb out. “You don’t really have to walk me to the door like this was a real date.”
Why did she have to say that? The words seemed to slip out from nowhere and she wanted to wince. She didn’t need to remind him of the awkwardness of the evening.
He said nothing, though she didn’t miss the way his mouth tightened and his eyes cooled a fraction before he completely ignored what she said and climbed out anyway.
Everything between them had changed and it made her chest ache with regret.
“Thanks, Chase,” she said as they walked side by side through the cold night. “I had a really great time.”
“You don’t have to lie. It was a disaster from start to finish.”
The grim note in his voice made her sad all over again. She sighed. “None of that was your fault. Only mine.”
“The old, it’s not you, it’s me line?” he asked as they reached the door. “Really, Faith? You can’t be more original than that?”
“It is me,” she whispered, knowing he deserved the truth no matter how painful. “I’m such a coward and I always have been.”
He made a low sound of disbelief. “A coward. You.”
“I am!”
“This is the same woman who woke up the day after her husband’s funeral, put on her boots and went to work—and who hasn’t stopped since?”
“What choice did I have? The ranch was our livelihood. Someone had to run it.”
“Right. Just like somebody jumped into a river to save a villager in Guatemala while everybody else was standing on the shore wringing their hands.”
She stared at him. “How did you... Where did you hear that?”
“Hope told me once. I think it was after Travis died. She also told me how you took more than one beating while you were all being held hostage because you stepped up to take responsibility for something she or Celeste had done.”
She was the oldest. It had been her job to protect her sisters. What else could she do especially since it was her fault they had all been taken hostage to begin with?
She had told that cute boy she had a crush on the day they were supposed to go to Bogota so her mother could see a doctor and that they would probably be leaving for good in a few weeks.
She had hoped maybe he might want to write to her. Instead, he must have told the psychotic rebel leader their plans. The next time she saw that boy, he had been proudly wearing ragged army fatigues and carrying a Russian-made submachine gun.
“You’re not a coward, Faith,” Chase said now. “No matter how much you might try to convince yourself of that.”
A stray snowflake landed on her cheek and she brushed it away. “You are my best friend, Chase. I’m so afraid of destroying that friendship, like I’ve screwed up everything else.”
He gave her a careful look that made her wish she hadn’t said anything, had just told him good-night and slipped into the house.
“Can we... More than anything, I would like to go back to the way things were a few weeks ago. Without all this...awkwardness. When we were just Faith and Chase.”
He raised an eyebrow. “You really think we can do that, after that kiss?”
She shivered a little, from more than simply the cold night. “I would like to try. Please, Chase.”
“How do two people take a step backward? Something is always lost.”
“Can’t we at least give it a shot? At least until after the holidays?”
She hoped he couldn’t hear the begging tone of her voice that seemed so loud to her.
“I won’t wait forever, Faith.”
“I know,” she whispered.
“Fine. We can talk again after the New Year.”
Her relief was so fierce that she wanted to weep. At least she would have his friendship through the holidays. Maybe in a few more weeks, she would be able to find the courage to face a future without his constant presence.
“Thank you. That’s the best gift anyone could give me this year.”
She reached up to give him a casual kiss on the cheek, the kind she had given him dozens of times before. At the last minute, he turned his head, surprise in his eyes, and her kiss landed on the corner of his mouth.
Instantly, the mood shifted between them and once more she was aware of the heat of him and the coiled muscles and the ache deep within her for him and only him.
He kissed her fully, his mouth a warm, delicious refuge against the cold night. His scent surrounded her—leather and pine and sexy, masculine cowboy—and she desperately wanted to lean into his strength and surrender to the delicious heat that stirred instantly to life again.
Too soon, he stepped away.
“Good night,” he said, his eyes dark in the glow from the porch light. He opened the door for her and waited until she managed to force her wobbly knees to carry her inside, then he turned around and walked to his pickup truck.
She really wanted nothing more than to shrug out of Celeste’s luxurious coat, kick off her high heels, slip away to her room and climb into bed for the next week or two.
Unfortunately, a welcoming party waited for her inside. Celeste, Flynn and Aunt Mary were at the table with mugs of hot chocolate steaming into the air and what looked like a fierce game of Scrabble scattered around the table—which hardly seemed a fair battle since Celeste was a librarian and an author with a freaky-vast vocabulary.
All three looked up when she walked into the kitchen.
“Chase didn’t come in?” Mary asked, clear disappointment on her wrinkled face.
Sometimes Faith thought her great-aunt had a little crush on Chase herself. What other reason did she have for always inviting him over?
“No,” she said abruptly.
How on earth was she going to face him, again, now that they had kissed twice?
“How was your date?” Celeste asked. Though the question was casual enough, her sister gave her a searching look and she suddenly wanted desperately to confide in her.
She couldn’t do it, at least not with Flynn and Mary listening in. “Fine,” she answered.
“Only fine?” Mary asked, clearly surprised.
“Fun,” she amended quickly. “Dinner was delicious, of course, and we danced a bit.”
“Chase is a great dancer,” Mary said, her eyes lighting up. “I could have danced with him all night at Celeste’s wedding, except Agatha Lindley kept trying to cut in. I don’t think he wanted to dance with her at all but he was just too nice.”
“She was there tonight, though she didn’t cut in. Unless she tried it when he was busy dancing with Ella Baker.”
“Ella Baker?” Celeste frowned. “I don’t think I know her.”
“She’s Curt Baker’s daughter. She’s moved to Pine Gulch to look after her father.”
“The girls at the salon were talking about her when I went for my color this week,” Mary said. “She teaches music or something, doesn’t she?”
With a jolt, Faith suddenly remembered her conversation with the woman at the beginning of the party, which seemed like a dozen lifetimes ago. “Oh! I have news. Big news! I can’t believe I almost forgot.”
“You probably had other things on your mind,” Flynn murmured, his voice so dry that she shot him a quick look.
Did her lips look as swollen as they felt, tight and achy and full? She really hoped not.
“You owe me so big,” she said. “I begged Ella Baker to help out with the Christmas program. I told her my sisters were desperate and she totally agreed to do it!”
Celeste’s eyes widened. “Are you kidding? What’s wrong with the woman?”
“Nothing. She was very gracious about it and even said it sounded like fun.”
“Right. Fun,” Celeste said with a shake of her head.
“You had fun, don’t deny it,” Mary said. “Look how it ended up for you. Married to a hot contractor, tool belt and all.”
“Thanks, my dear.” Flynn gave a slow grin and picked up Mary’s hand and kissed the back of it in a totally un-Flynn-like gesture that made Celeste laugh and Mary blush and pull her hand away.
“That was a definite side benefit,” Celeste murmured, and Flynn gave her a private smile that made the temperature in the room shoot up a dozen degrees or so.
“Well, I’m afraid we don’t exactly have more hot contractors to go around for Ella Baker,” Faith said. “Though I do think she would be absolutely perfect for Chase. I told him so, but for some reason, he didn’t seem to want to hear it.”
All three of them stared at Faith as if she had just unleashed a rabid squirrel in the kitchen.
“You told Chase you think this Ella Baker would be perfect for him,” Celeste repeated, with such disbelief in her voice that Faith squirmed.
“Yes. She seems like a lovely person,” she said, more than a little defensive.
“I’m sure she is,” Celeste said. “That doesn’t mean you should have tried to set Chase up with her while the two of you were out together on a date. I’ll admit I didn’t have a lot of experience before I met Flynn but even I know most guys in general probably wouldn’t appreciate that kind of thing. Chase in particular probably didn’t want to hear you suggest other women you think he ought to date.”
Why Chase in particular? She frowned, though she was aware she had botched the entire evening from the get-go. How was she possibly going to fix things between them?
“We’re friends,” she retorted. “That’s the kind of things friends do for each other, pick out potential dating prospects.”
None of them seemed particularly convinced and she was too exhausted to press the point. It was none of their business anyway.
She pulled off Celeste’s coat and hung it over one of the empty chairs and also pulled all her personal things out of the little evening bag.
“Thanks for letting me use your coat and bag.”
“You’re welcome. Anytime.”
Right. She wasn’t going to another stockgrowers’ party. Ever.
“I’m going to go change into something comfortable.”
“I’ll come help you with the zipper. That one sticks, if I remember correctly.”
“I don’t need help,” she said.
“That, my dear, is a matter of opinion.”
Celeste rose and followed her up the stairs. As she helped Faith out of the dress, her sister talked of the children and what they had done that evening and about the latest controversy at the library.
Beneath the light conversation, she sensed Celeste had something more to say. She wasn’t sure she wanted to hear it but she couldn’t stand the charged subtext either.
After she changed into her favorite comfy pajamas, she sat on the edge of her bed and finally braced herself. “Okay. Out with it.”
Celeste deliberately avoided her gaze, confirming Faith’s suspicions. “Out with what?” she asked, her tone vague.
“Whatever is lurking there on your tongue, dying to spill out. I can tell you have something to say. You might as well get it over with, for both our sakes. What did I do wrong?”
After a pause, Celeste sat down next to her on the bed.
“I’m trying to figure out if you’re being deliberately obtuse or if you honestly don’t know—all while I’m debating whether it’s any of my business anyway.”
“Remember what mom used to say? Better to keep your nose in a book than in someone else’s business. Most of your life, you’ve had a pretty good track record in that department. Don’t ruin it now.”
Celeste sighed. “Fine. Deliberately obtuse it is, then.”
She pulled her favorite sweatshirt over her head. This was more like it, in her favorite soft pajama bottoms and a comfortable hoodie. She felt much more at ease dressed like this than she ever would in the fancy clothes she had been wearing all evening.
“I don’t know about deliberate but I’ll admit I must be obtuse, since I have no idea what you’re trying to dance around here.”
“Really? No idea?”
The skepticism in her sister’s voice burned. “None. What did I do wrong? I was careful with your coat, I promise.”
“For heaven’s sake, this isn’t about the stupid coat.”
“I’m not in the mood to play twenty questions with you. If you don’t want to tell me, don’t.”
Celeste’s mouth tightened. “Fine. I’ll come out and say it, then. Can you honestly tell me you have no idea Chase is in love with you?”
At her sister’s blunt words, all the blood seemed to rush away from her brain and she was very glad she was sitting down. Her skin felt hot for an instant and then icy, icy cold.
“Shut up. He is not.”
Celeste made a disgusted sound. “Of course he is, Faith! Open your eyes! He’s been in love with you forever. You had to have known!”
Whatever might be left of the apple pie and the small amount she had eaten at dinner seemed to congeal into a hard, greasy lump in her stomach.
She didn’t know whether to laugh at the ridiculous joke that wasn’t really funny at all or to tell her sister she was absolutely insane to make such an outrageous accusation. Underneath both those reactions was a tangled surge of emotion and the sudden burn of tears.
“He’s not. He can’t be,” she whispered.
It couldn’t be true. Could it?
Celeste squeezed her fingers gently, looking as if she regretted saying anything. “Use your head, honey. He’s a good neighbor, yes, and a true friend. But can you really not see that his concern for you goes way beyond simple friendship?”
Chase was always there, a true and loyal friend. The one constant, unshakable force in her world.
“I don’t want him to be.” Her chest felt tight now and she could feel one of those tears slip free. “What am I going to do?”
Celeste squeezed her fingers. “You could try being honest with yourself and admit that you have feelings for him, too.”
“As a friend. That’s all,” she insisted.
Celeste’s eyes were full of compassion and exasperation in equal measures. “I love you dearly, Faith. You know I do. You’ve been my second mother since the day I was born, and from the time I was twelve years old you helped Aunt Mary and Uncle Claude raise me. You’re kind and loving, a fantastic mom to Barrett and Lou, a ferociously hard worker. You’ve taught me so much about what it is to be a good person.”
She tugged her hand away, sensing her sister had plenty more to say, and steeled herself to hear the rest.
“But?”
Celeste huffed out a breath. “But when it comes to Chase Brannon, you are being completely stupid and, as much as I hate to say it, more than a little cruel.”
“That’s a harsh word.”
“The man is in love with you and when you sit there pretending you didn’t know, you are lying to me, yourself and especially to Chase.”
“He has never once said anything.” She still couldn’t make herself believe it.
“The last two years, he has shown you in a thousand different ways. You think he comes over three or four times a week to help Barrett with his homework because he loves fourth grade arithmetic? Can anyone really be naive enough to think he adores cleaning out the rain gutters in the spring and autumn because it’s his favorite outdoor activity? Does he check the knock in your pickup’s engine or help you figure out the ranch accounts or take a look at any sick cattle you might have because he wants to? No! He does all of those things because of you.”
Faith could come up with a hundred other things he did for her or for the kids or Aunt Mary. That didn’t necessary mean he was in love with her, only that he was a good, caring man trying to step up and help them after Travis’s death.
The nausea inside her now had an element of panic. Had she been ignoring the truth all this time because she simply hadn’t wanted to see it? What kind of horrible person was she? It made her feel like the worst kind of user.
“He’s my best friend,” she whispered. “What would I do without him?”
“I’m afraid you might have to figure that out sooner than you’d like, especially if you can’t admit that you might have feelings for him, too.”
With that, her sister rose, gave her a quick hug. “We all loved Travis. He was like the big brother I never had. He was a great guy and a good father. But he’s gone, honey. You’re not. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and accept that maybe you didn’t want to see that Chase is in love with you so you have avoided facing the truth. But now that you know, what are you going to do about it?”
Her sister slipped from the room before she could come up with a response—which was probably a good thing since Faith had no idea how to answer her.