Chapter 5
Janie
I woke up with a smile on my face and a flutter in my heart and stomach. I’d had a really sweet dream that had starred Nate. He’d been telling me how beautiful I was and then he’d pulled me onto his lap and started kissing me. And the kiss had been deep and passionate, and I’d been really upset when I’d woken up and realized that his lips really weren’t on mine. I grabbed my phone eagerly to see if I had any missed texts from Nate. Not that I thought I did, but it was nice to hope. I’d been checking my phone all night, but hadn’t seen anything from him. I sighed as I saw no messages from him. He obviously wasn’t thinking about me as often as I was thinking about him. I still couldn’t read him. There were moments that I really thought he liked me as much as I liked him, and then there were moments that it seemed he just wasn’t interested in me at all. I really wish I knew where his head was at. I really wish I knew if he liked me or not.
I was going to ask Anabel what she thought, but I knew that she wouldn’t understand why it was so important to me. She would think he was just another random dude I’d developed a crush on. She wouldn’t understand that he was special. That I actually felt something real, something deeper for Nate. It didn’t even really make sense to me. The connection we had, the way I felt when I was with him. The way my heart skipped a beat when I saw him and the way we looked into each other’s eyes when we were talking and laughing. It meant something real, something special. I’d never felt this feeling with anyone else before. Never. I knew it sounded weird, but a part of me really thought he was my soul mate. My someone special. My one. I got chills just thinking about it. Yet I wasn’t completely sure he felt it as well. A part of me really thought he did, but then he made comments and did things that made me doubt that feeling.
“Janie, you coming to breakfast with me?” Anabel opened my door and walked in. “I can’t believe you’re still in bed on Pancake Tuesday.”
“Dude.” I laughed as I sat up. “I just had the best dream.”
“Hmm, you dreamt you won a billion dollars?”
“No.” I laughed. “I dreamt that Nate and I were making out and it was flipping amazing.”
“Oh, God.” She rolled her eyes. “You guys haven’t made out yet in real life?”
“Well.” I blushed. “Maybe.” I paused as I grew hot thinking about our hot night together. “I thought he was going to go for it the other night, but he didn’t.” I lied and then immediately felt guilty. I wasn’t sure why I didn’t want to tell Anabel the truth. Maybe I felt slightly guilty that I’d hooked up with him so quickly.
“Weird.” She made a face and studied me.
“What?” I frowned up at her. “Why is that weird? Maybe he’s respecting my boundaries.”
“Janie, what boundaries? Have you given him any indication that you’re not interested in making out or even hooking up with him?”
“No.” I shook my head slowly. “But you know guys—maybe he’s not sure if I’m into him.”
“Highly unlikely.”
“Anabel!” I jumped out of bed and hit her on the shoulder. “Don’t be mean!”
“I’m just saying. Most guys, when they like a girl, and they know she has interest, well, they make a move. They don’t hold back.”
“Maybe it’s because he doesn’t want to disrespect me?”
“What?” She blinked at me. “Where are you getting that from? I’ve never heard anything so stupid.”
“Wow, thanks.” I glared at her. “So you think he doesn’t like me?”
“I don’t know.” She shrugged. “It seems to me that he’s playing games, and you don’t need that.”
“Ugh.” I sighed. “So, I have something to tell you.”
“Hmm?” Her eyes narrowed.
“So we totally hooked up the other night,” I whispered and she squealed.
“Oh my God, I knew it!” she exclaimed. “I knew it!” She started laughing.
“What’s so funny?” I frowned.
“You trying to say that he was going to hold off.” She rolled her eyes. “Guys like him don’t hold back when it comes to sex.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I don’t mean anything by it, I’m just saying that most guys that go on dates want to get laid.“
“So you think he’s using me for sex?“ I glared at her for ruining my happy buzz. “Are you jealous?“ I asked her accusatorially. Was she trying to make me feel bad because she wanted him for herself?
“Are you joking, Janie?“ Her jaw dropped open. “Jealous of what?“
“The fact that he wanted me?“ I gave her an ashamed look and looked away. I knew I sounded ridiculous, but I couldn’t stop myself from going on. “Or the fact that I have a new boyfriend?“
“Janie, are you crazy?“ She started laughing, and I frowned. Why was she laughing. “You don’t have a new boyfriend, and why the hell would I care if he wanted you and not me? I don’t even know this guy.“
“Well, he’s a hottie, and I just …“ My voice trailed away as I saw her rolling her eyes. “Sorry.“ I sighed. I jumped up and ran over to give her a hug. “I know I’m being crazy.“ I shook my head as I pulled away from her. “I don’t know what I’m thinking. There’s something about this guy that drives me crazy.“
“What is it about him that drives you crazy?“ Anabel stared at me. “And tell me, was the sex good?“
“It was absolutely amazing.“ I felt giddy as I thought back to our hookup. “You wouldn’t think he was a college guy.“
“Oh?“ She raised an eyebrow at me.
“He made me come right away.“ I blushed as I spilled the details about my night with Nate.
“Huh?“ She tilted her head.
“Well, you know…“ I giggled. “Sometimes it’s hard to orgasm from just penetration, but with Nate …“ My eyes widened and I wiggled my eyebrows. “Let’s just say that he knew what he was doing.
“Ooh.“ She started giggling. “So it was amazing, then?“
“It was amazing.“ I nodded. “I’ve never been with someone who was so electric and sexy.“
“Oh, Janie.“ Anabel shook her head at me. “You’re so dramatic.“
“I’m not dramatic. I’m just being real.“ I sighed wistfully. “I want him right now.“
“Are you going to see him tonight?“
“Dunno.“ My stomach sunk as I looked back at my phone.
“What do you mean, you don’t know?“
“I haven’t heard from him.“ I bit my lower lip and sighed. “Should I text him?“
“Oh.“ Anabel gave me a look. “You haven’t heard from him since you guys slept together?“
“Well, kinda.“ I made a face. “He texted me the next day and said he hoped I had a nice day.“ I smiled at the memory. “So he wasn’t completely using me.“
“Do you have plans to hang out again?“ Anabel asked me softly.
“No,“ I admitted sadly.
“Did you discuss hanging out again?“
“He kinda invited me to a chess thing,“ I said, but then realized that we’d never actually made any concrete plans. “Do you think I slept with him too quickly?“
“Not if that’s what you wanted.“ Anabel shook her head. “But,“ she paused and gave me a look of regret, “there’s a possibility that he got what he wanted and that you’re not going to hear from him again.“
“So then you do think I slept with him too quickly.“ I bit down on my lower lip and thought about how I’d gone to the lake with him and stripped down to my underwear. I’d been so excited to go into the water with him. I’d seen his boner right away and laughed when he’d run into the water to hide it. I’d wanted to jump him in the water. He’d turned me on right away. And the way he’d looked at me, wow, it had made me feel so special. Though I knew it could all have been an act. Maybe that’s how he always looked at women. But it had seemed so caring. So warm. Even the questions he’d been asking me before when we’d been eating pizza had led me to believe that he really cared about me as more than just a casual acquaintance. But I’d been dumb. I wasn’t sure why I’d let my heart convince my head that this was a good idea. Maybe I so badly wanted him to like me that I was willing to do anything. I mean, he’d been acting weirdly at the frat party. And then a bit weirdly at the pizza place. I mean, the fact that he’d gotten a text and said he just remembered he’d had plans had been suspicious to me, but I’d kept my mouth shut. I hadn’t wanted him to think that I was crazy. Though I was sure that he most probably already did.
“I think if you were comfortable with him when you had sex and you used protection, then it’s fine.“ She shook her head. “There’s no time that’s too soon or too late. You have to do you, girl.“
“Yeah.“ I sighed. “So I kinda fucked up a little bit.“
“Oh God.“ She looked nervous. “What did you do?“
“Don’t be mad at me.“
“Oh Janie, what did you do?“ She glared at me. “Do not tell me he didn’t wear a condom. Do we need to go and get you the morning after pill?“
“Does it work if it’s not the morning after?“
“I don’t know. I think so.“ She pulled out her phone. “Let me check.“ She then glared at me. “How could you sleep with him without a condom?“
“We didn’t have sex without a condom,“ I said quickly. “Well, not really.“ I made a face. “We started fooling around and were both naked and …“ My voice trailed off as I was still a bit embarrassed to be telling Anabel exactly what had happened.
“And?“ Anabel raised an eyebrow at me. “Spill.“
“We started grinding and well, he kinda put himself inside of me before he put the condom on.“ I reddened as I thought back to the memory. “It was so hot and I was so into him, and I knew I should tell him to put a condom on, but I just wanted to feel him for a bit. His skin on my skin.“
“Oh my God, Janie!“ Anabel looked at me angrily.
“I know, I know.” I sighed. “I’m stupid. I mean, he did eventually put a condom on, but you know.” I blushed again. “I should have had him put one on before he entered me.”
“Yeah.” Anabel sighed. “You should get an STD test.”
“What?” I made a face. “You think so?”
“Yes.” Anabel squeezed my hand. “Better to be safe than sorry.”
“I suppose so. Oh my God.” I licked my lips nervously. “I’m so dumb.”
“No, you’re not.” Anabel smiled at me. “You got caught up in the moment.”
“Yeah, but he hasn’t even asked me out again.” All of a sudden I started to feel bad about the situation. The sweetness of my dreams and memories were no longer enough to banish my doubts. “Why hasn’t he called me? Or texted me?”
“Maybe he’s waiting on you?”
“Do you think so?”
“Maybe?” Anabel shrugged. “Maybe he doesn’t know how you feel about what happened.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah,” she said. “It wouldn’t hurt to text him.”
“I could invite him over for dinner,” I said eagerly. “Maybe say I would like to treat him to a meal other than pizza to show him I’m not a pizza monster.”
“What?” Anabel looked confused.
“Nothing,” I said, all of a sudden feeling a rush of energy. I didn’t want to waste time explaining the inside joke to Anabel. I just wanted to text Nate. I was already planning a menu in my head. It would be awesome. Maybe I would make a steak dinner. Guys loved steak. And then maybe he could stay the night in my room and we could have dessert in bed. Some strawberries and whipped cream. That would be super sexy.
“Is your mind wandering again, Janie?” Anabel asked me.
“No,” I lied and then laughed. “Yes. I was thinking about Nate. I think I’m going to invite him to dinner.”
“Oh?” Anabel looked surprised. “You’re going to take him to dinner?”
“No, I was thinking that I would make him dinner.”
“You’re going to cook for him?”
“Do you think that’s a bad idea?”
“Noooo.” She looked doubtful. “Seems romantic.”
“Yeah, that’s what I was thinking,” I said, excited. “And then maybe afterwards we can have a talk and well, hang out a bit.”
“Bow chicka bow wow, huh?”
“Anabel!” I giggled and then went to grab my phone. “Give me a few minutes and let me text him and then we can get breakfast.”
“Oh, you’re going to text him now?”
“You don’t think that’s a good idea?”
“I don’t know.” She shrugged. “Do it. This way you won’t be daydreaming about him all day, and you guys can finally talk.”
“Exactly. Do you think I should ask him about what our status is now or wait?”
“I think that you should wait.” Anabel made a face. “I mean you barely know him. Yes, you’ve had sex, but this is not really a relationship yet. You don’t want to scare him and make him think you’re crazy.”
“Yeah.” I sighed. “Though I’d like to know if he’s thinking about me as a potential girlfriend or not.”
“Didn’t he kinda say he wasn’t looking for a girlfriend?”
“Yeah, but that was before we hooked up,” I said as I opened my text messages. I was disappointed that there was still no text from Nate, but I tried to quell my anxiety. Maybe he really didn’t know what to say and was waiting on me to call him. Maybe he thought I hadn’t been impressed with his bedroom skills. I opened my text message box as Anabel walked out of the room and started formulating my text.
Hey you, how’s it going? Want to come over for dinner tonight?
I reread the text before I pressed send. It sounded way too casual. Not good.
Hey, Nate, it’s me, Janie. I’d like to invite you over for dinner tonight.
I deleted that as soon as I wrote it. It sounded way too formal.
Hey, wanna come over for dinner tonight? I’m making steak.
I looked at the final text and paused for a minute before sending it. I quickly changed it to read, Hey, wanna come over for dinner tonight? The pizza monster is making steak. :) I quickly pressed send before I could change my mind. I was happy that we had an inside joke. I stared at my phone hoping for a quick reply. Maybe he was in his bed sitting there thinking of me and waiting for me to text. Maybe he was going to be really excited. Maybe he’d jump out of bed and be like, “YES! She finally texted me!” I groaned as I realized I was being completely unrealistic in my thoughts. I was almost positive that he wasn’t thinking about me and that he wasn’t going to be shouting yes! to the world as if he’d won the lottery.
I almost jumped out of my skin as my phone beeped. I looked down at the screen and squealed when I saw a text from Nate.
Sounds good. See you at 7?
I walked over to my bed and fell back, clutching the phone to my chest as I grinned from ear to ear. He liked me, he really liked me. I couldn’t believe it. Maybe this was finally it. Maybe Nate really was the one.
***
The kitchen smelled delicious and I danced around as I placed the cutlery and dishes on the table. It was 6:55 p.m. and Nate was going to be there any second. I’d gone all out and bought two ribeye steaks and had cooked them medium rare. I’d made a sour cream peppercorn sauce to accompany it with some roasted potatoes and asparagus. Anabel thought I was crazy for spending so much money on a meal for Nate, but I knew that the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach. Tonight was going to be awesome. I had my best and sexiest underwear on, ready for the after-dinner fun, and I’d bought some sex dice from Hot Topic to spice things up. Tonight was going to be a good night.
Seven thirty p.m. rolled around and I started to get nerves in my stomach. Nate hadn’t arrived yet or texted, and I wasn’t sure what was going on. The steak was cold and the roasted potatoes had dried out. My excitement had dissipated, but I wasn’t ready to get angry yet. Maybe something had happened and he’d got stuck in a chess match or something.
By eight thirty, I started to feel angry. I left the food on the table and walked to my room with my phone, knowing I had to text him. I wasn’t sure what he was going to say, but I was still hopeful that he would have a good reason for his lateness. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say if he still wanted to come over. Maybe I’d let him come over, but I wouldn’t sleep with him. Not tonight. He needed to make it up to me. I was just about to send him a text message when I heard my phone beep. Hey, so sorry for my late text. I totally got caught up in something. I read his text and my heart jumped. That was understandable. Maybe I would still sleep with him.
No worries. I was worried about you. Are you on the way? I immediately texted back and jumped up to look at my appearance in the mirror. I needed to brush my hair again and reapply my lipstick. I stared at my reflection, happy that I looked pretty and that my hair was cooperating for the day. I looked back at my phone and frowned to see that Nate hadn’t responded back to me as yet. Should I start reheating the food? I texted him. Ten more minutes went by, and I still hadn’t heard back from him. I could feel my stomach starting to sink as I sat there waiting for him to respond to my text. I could feel myself close to tears when I got another text from him.
Hey sorry, can I take a raincheck? Something came up. :(
I stared at the text for a few seconds before I started crying. I couldn’t stop the feelings of hurt and upset from hitting me hard. All of a sudden I was feeling used and let down.
Sure, maybe tomorrow night? I text him back quickly, holding my breath. If he rescheduled with me, it would be okay. Maybe something really had come up. I dried away my tears as I waited for his response.
Sorry, I’m busy tomorrow night.
I stared at the screen and waited for him to suggest another day. If he liked me he would suggest another day.
When are you free? I texted him, mad at myself for not waiting for him to ask me when I was free. I knew I was pushing it. Being too eager and too available. I should wait for him to ask me out again, but my anxiety was taking over. I held my breath while I waited for his response, hoping he would ask me out soon. I sat there for an hour with the phone in my hand and just waited for his reply. Nothing came. I stood up and walked to the kitchen and threw the food directly into the garbage and then went to the shower. I cried as I washed myself. I felt used and stupid. He didn’t like me. He hadn’t not texted me because he was worried that I didn’t think that he was good in bed. I was a fool for even thinking that. I was stupid for actually thinking that he was The One. He wasn’t The One. He wasn’t anything. I’d been living with my head in the clouds again. I’d always wanted to believe in one true love, and I’d always thought that one could fall in love at first sight, but I was starting to realize that maybe that was all just one big daydream. I walked out of the shower and back to my room and almost screamed when I saw Anabel standing there.
“Hey,” she said softly as I walked into my room.
“Hey,” I said, surprised to see her. “What are you doing here?”
“I saw Nate.” She looked sad. “With some girl at the Vietnamese restaurant across campus.”
“Oh? Maybe that was his friend?” I asked hopefully.
“They were holding hands.” She made a face. “I’m sorry.”
“Oh.” I could feel my heart aching as I stood there.
“And then they were making out in the booth.” She sounded angry. “He’s such a jerk. What did he say?”
“He just said something came up.” I bit down on my lip to stop myself from crying. “I thought it was chess related.”
“Oh, Janie. I’m so, so sorry.” She hugged me. “Did he say anything else?”
“No,” I sobbed. “He said he couldn’t come over tonight, and when I asked when he could come, he didn’t respond.”
“Oh.” Anabel hugged me even tighter. “He’s an asshole, forget him.”
“I just don’t understand.” I could feel my insides clenching, and I wanted to throw up. Nate had well and truly used me. It was obvious to me now that he didn’t like me at all.
“He’s obviously a player. He and Talissa can go and piss off.”
“Talissa?” I said. “That was her name?”
“Yeah.” She nodded. “Some friend of hers called out to her.”
“Oh.”
And with the knowledge that he was on a date with the girl he’d been texting to the other day on the phone, all my hopes came crashing down and the tears flowed even stronger.
“I hate him,” I said. “I really hate him.”
***
Two Weeks Later
Beep beep.
I looked down at my phone and saw a text message from Nate.
Hey, Janie, how’s it going? Want to play chess soon?
I looked at the text and felt a stirring of excitement for a few seconds before I deleted the text. I was not going to go there again. Asshole.
One Month Later
Beep beep.
Hey Janie, want to go to the lake this weekend?
The next message from Nate made me laugh. Did he really think I was going to go to the lake with him again? Give him some more free sex, just so he could treat me like a whore?
One Month Later
Beep beep.
Hey, are you mad at me? This is Nate. Can we talk?
Message deleted.
Two Days Later
Beep beep.
Janie, please give me a chance to talk to you. I feel really badly about how everything went down.
Message deleted.
One Day Later
Janie, please accept my apologies if I hurt you. I would love to take you to lunch to explain everything.
This message made me pause. I still had some feelings for Nate. I wasn’t sure why, but I nearly responded. Maybe he was missing me. Maybe he realized I was the one. Finally.
Two hours later
Janie, I would love for us to be friends. Please respond.
Message deleted and number blocked.
I didn’t want to hear from him again. I hated him for what he’d done to me, and I knew that a part of me would always have hope that he would see me as more. His last message showed me that I was wrong to have hope. He didn’t want anything more from me. He didn’t love me. I’d been nothing but a hookup to him. I was done. I never wanted to have to think about him again.