Mackenzie stirred from her sleep when she became aware of a blanket being pulled over the top of her.
‘Devereaux!’ She reached out instinctively and took his hand in hers. It was so good to see him.
‘Hey.’ He lowered himself to the edge of the couch and she drew her body upright to make room for him. ‘Are you okay?’
Oh God! She was a regular waterworks and he’d flicked the tap on again. ‘No.’
He drew her hand up to his mouth and kissed it. ‘No wonder. You’ve been through hell. It’s going to take a while to absorb everything you’ve been told.’
Mac nodded. ‘Thank you for making Lois tell me the truth.’
‘You deserved the truth.’ With his free hand, he passed her the box of tissues.
Taking a couple she scrubbed at her eyes and blew her nose, then added it to the scrunched up pile that had amassed beside her on the coffee table, before she’d drifted off to sleep.
‘I’m so sorry I’ve added to your pain.’ He held out his arms. ‘Come here, sweetheart.’
She hesitated. As much as she wanted to seek the comfort he offered, it seemed wrong to do so. After a few seconds, need won out and she moved so she was held secure against his chest.
‘I can’t believe it, Dev.’ For a moment she stilled and tried to control her tears. ‘All this time I’ve been so bitter. I’ve hated Grayson because I thought he’d cheated on me. I thought he hadn’t loved me at all.’
‘Lois told me that wasn’t the case.’
Anger steamed within her. ‘It isn’t fair. I hate them for not being honest with me. It hurts so much to know I’ve never properly mourned his death. He deserved that, Dev. He deserved my grief because he genuinely loved me and was trying to do the right thing for me and for Eliza. Now I feel like I’ve betrayed him—betrayed his memory and his love by thinking so badly of him all these years.’
‘You’re right. What they did was unforgivable. They should’ve told you the truth, but you mustn’t beat yourself up about your reaction. You reacted like any normal person would have.’
‘Did I?’ She wasn’t sure. Surely she should’ve had more faith in the man she’d pledged to marry. ‘I’m just so glad I didn’t allow my own bitterness and anger to filter into Eliza’s life. She has no idea he was murdered and I’d never told her what I thought he’d done.’
‘You were right to shield her from what you believed to be the truth.’
‘She thinks I loved him and he loved me.’ An anguished sound erupted from her throat as devastation forced its way up from her solar plexus. ‘God, Dev. He did love us! I did love him! I was crazy out of my head with the love I felt for him!’
A shadow crossed his features and he squeezed her hand. ‘He would’ve known it, Mackenzie. I know you would’ve shown your love for him and he would’ve treasured it.’
Wrapped up in grief, anger, pain and sorrow, Mac drew away from him and got up from the couch. She stood with her arms crossed over her chest, hugging herself.
‘I feel helpless,’ Dev told her. ‘I want to hold you close—to give you any comfort I can.’
Confusion twisted in her stomach and knotted her gut. ‘I … I’m trying to process a lot right now. I feel so guilty I believed the worst of Grayson. I wasn’t worthy of his love.’
He got up from the couch and moved towards her. ‘Of course you were worthy! You were only eighteen years old, Mackenzie. You were pregnant for God’s sake, and having to deal with the belief that the father of your child had cheated on you. Don’t take on all this guilt. Grayson couldn’t have known how it would end. I know he was trying to protect you, but maybe he should’ve had a little faith in you and told you what was happening.’
She looked up at him. ‘You’re just as bad, Dev. You didn’t tell me what was happening. You let me think the worst of you.’
‘We haven’t been in a relationship, Mackenzie,’ he said seriously.
And there was the truth of it. Lois must’ve misunderstood the depth of Devereaux’s feelings. Obviously he cared about her and didn’t want to see her upset, but he offered her only his comfort—not his love. If she needed any further clarification that all they’d had was only ever going to be a one-night stand, there it was.
She bit down on her lip. ‘You’re right. There was no reason to tell me.’
‘I’ve wanted to tell you.’
‘Why?’
‘I didn’t want to take you to bed without you knowing who I truly am, but the chemistry between us didn’t allow me any time to tell you about the strength of my feelings for you before we ended up in bed together.’
Lois hadn’t been mistaken! Devereaux did care for her!
The rest of what she’d learnt from Lois sharpened into focus in her mind. Lois said Mac had to return to England—that she had to leave Devereaux to get on with what he’d set out to accomplish, and to make sure Eliza was in no way at risk. If she let him know how much she cared for him, it might distract him—it might lead to his death. She couldn’t be responsible for that.
One man had already died in trying to keep her safe. Devereaux must live.
‘I care about you, Devereaux.’ She held up a hand to stop him when he would’ve closed the distance between them. ‘But I want more than you can give me. Everything is jumbled up inside me—grief, happiness, relief, anxiety and anger. It’s like I’m see-sawing from one emotion to another, but I know it doesn’t matter how I feel. I can’t be involved with you.’
His shoulders stiffened. ‘Give yourself some time to work through all you’ve just found out, Mackenzie. It must be one hell of a shock to have all you’ve believed for so long turned on its ear, and I understand the need for you to grieve for the man you loved. But—’ he took that last step, reached for her hand and held it to his chest, ‘—don’t shut me out while you work through it. Let me be there to support you the way I want to.’
Blinking hard to focus on his features through the fresh mist of tears in her eyes, she saw the deep caring and sincerity in his face which echoed the serious pledge of his words.
‘I’m going home tomorrow,’ she said baldly.
Stunned was too mild a description for the expression on his face. ‘What?’
‘Dad is sending another consultant across to finish off this campaign,’ she said quickly. ‘Matilda’s great and will do a terrific job for you.’ She turned away from him, walked over to a bureau where she had some paperwork, and started stacking the papers into piles, just to keep herself busy.
Strong hands firmed on her shoulders and urged her around to face him. ‘Why?’
Because I can’t stay here with you, knowing you are so much more than you’ve pretended to be—knowing you’re the man of substance I really have fallen in love with, but also knowing I could lose you the same way I lost Gray if I don’t let you focus solely on this mission you’ve set out to achieve.
‘I want to be home. I want to be in my safe, familiar environment while I try to make sense of everything and find peace within myself about Gray and the way I misjudged him.’
‘You can’t do that here?’
‘No!’ She shook her head adamantly. ‘I want to be with Eliza now. I need to be with my daughter.’
The masculine column of his neck moved up and down as he swallowed. ‘Mackenzie.’ He cleared his throat. ‘I’m nearly through with this mission I’m on.’
‘I’m glad. I hate to think of you being in danger.’
He shook his head. ‘I’m not in danger. My cover’s too well established. Everybody believes I’m the party-loving playboy prince who’s not to be taken seriously. Well—’ he sent her a brief smile, ‘—everybody, that is, except a very smart, tenacious image consultant who saw through my antics and glimpsed the real me.’
‘I realise now why you fought so hard against changing your image.’
‘Exactly. See how troublesome you’ve been?’ His tone was teasing, but the light in his eyes grew more serious as he asked, ‘Mackenzie? I want to be with you again, but I need to complete this mission and I need to think of your safety.’
Her heart went into spasms. It was only Lois’ warning to keep her distance from Dev that allowed her to remain still when she wanted to throw herself into his arms, hug him tight and say how much she hoped they could be together again too.
‘My whole world feels like it’s spinning out of orbit after all I’ve learnt from Lois. This—’ she moved her hands in agitation, ‘is all too much to take in. I don’t think I’m capable of making any rational decisions right now.’
Regarding her with warm empathy, he said, ‘I understand.’ He turned and walked a few paces away. ‘I’ve told the organisation I’m assisting that I’ll only work with them for one more month undercover. They can either wrap up the case in that time or put someone else in place who can do what I’ve been doing. One more month and I’m out.’
Little tingles of joy fizzed through her bloodstream and left her lighter.
He walked back to her, took each of her hands and interlaced his fingers with hers. ‘Can I come to see you in a month and see how you are?’
She didn’t need to think about it. She almost blurted, ‘Yes’, immediately. But what if knowing she was thinking about him distracted him from what he needed to do and placed him in danger? ‘I’m not sure.’
Sadness clouded his eyes. ‘I see.’ He leant forward and delivered a firm but brief kiss. It was over before it began and she couldn’t help but want more. He squeezed her hands with his. ‘I have to go back to the trade talks now.’
She nodded but he didn’t move away.
‘Mackenzie …’ He hesitated. ‘Lois and I need to be seen out together again tonight. Will you come to my suite and wait for me to return? Will you stay the night with me?’
Her heart kicked in her chest like a highly strung thoroughbred horse that tried to break out of its stall. God, but the magnetism he exuded was almost too much to resist.
You can’t, her inner voice warned. It wouldn’t be right. You need to work through your grief and you need to know with one hundred per cent certainty that Devereaux is prepared to give you so much more than one more night of pleasure.
‘No.’ It cost her to utter the denial but she knew she had to work through her turmoil and not spend a night in Devereaux’s bed to escape from it.
He let go of her hands. ‘I understand.’
She couldn’t leave it like that. What if something went wrong? What if she never saw him again? ‘It’s too soon, Devereaux. Let’s see how we both feel after a month.’
He moved so quickly she was in his arms before she knew it. He claimed her mouth in a kiss so full of desire and promise that it moved her to tears. It was as though he poured all his emotions into it—his regret they’d be parted, his yearning for the time they’d be together. These sentiments echoed hers, and when he finally pulled away from her, saying he simply had to get back to the trade meeting, she knew she’d be counting down every minute until she saw him again.