CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
When Jonathan and Cassie left El Dédalo in the morning in one of their black SUVs, she was practically bouncing in her seat. “Your boss isn’t so bad.”
Jonathan cast a wary glance in her direction as they drove out of the gates with the barbed wire coils on top. “I didn’t say he was bad.”
“You know what I mean. He trusts me. Even around a bunch of horses! I mean, horses are big animals, and they can be dangerous. If a whole stable of them turned on someone…” She stopped herself.
His mouth thinned. “Yeah. It’s occurred to me.”
“But it’ll be fine,” she said quickly.
“I trust you. Pretty much.” As they drove down the dirt road without another soul in sight, he added, “I figure you’ll be extra careful. You don’t want me shooting horses.”
Cassie recoiled. “I’ll be so careful. I’m kind of surprised he set this up for us. I know you get a few days off every month, but this… It’s like it’s my birthday.”
“I’m surprised, too.” Her account of Capitán Renaud provoking her in such a crude way had made Jonathan uncomfortable. He’d assured her that it was completely out of character for their leader, an act designed to test her and nothing more. The fact that Capitán had become involved in setting up a date made him even more uneasy.
After they arrived at the stables, a woman gave them a tour. Jonathan hadn’t known that a place where horses lived could look like a giant luxury home with skylights in the high-timbered ceiling. Judging from Cassie’s reaction, she hadn’t known, either. She said the indoor arena looked perfect, but it was a sunny, clear day with temperatures in the fifties, and she wanted to ride outside. She told the woman, “He’s never ridden before. If you’ve got, like, a really placid mare, that would be great.” She darted a quick look at Jonathan, as if she feared he’d be offended.
“Sure,” the woman said. “He can take Dicey.”
“Dicey,” Jonathan repeated. It didn’t sound like the best name for a first horse.
“She’s white with black markings. Don’t worry, she’s been walking this same trail for years. Doesn’t matter who’s on her, she’ll plod right along.”
As he and Cassie followed her to meet Dicey, Cassie said to him quietly, “Thanks for not acting embarrassed about not knowing how to ride.”
“I want the calmest horse they’ve got. I don’t need to be breaking my arm on a day off.”
Cassie chose a gorgeous reddish-brown horse with a white stripe on his head—a quarter horse, they said. Once outside, Cassie showed Jonathan how to get on Dicey. She teased him, saying, “Ooh, you’re good at mounting.”
“Nice single entendre.” He peered down. “I feel like I’m pretty high up here.”
She laughed. “You’re almost too big for her as it is.” She showed him how to take the reins, but as they started on the trail, she made corrections. “Get your hands closer in. Like here, in front of your saddle.” He complied. “Bring your elbows in, though—thumbs up, like this. Good. Keep them there. Just relax.” She looked up and took in a deep breath. “Isn’t it nice to be outside?”
“Yeah.” Jonathan leaned forward in his saddle.
“Okay, you’re squeezing her with your legs too hard.”
He grumbled, “I don’t want to fall off.”
“I know, but you’ll freak her out if you grip too tight.” He eased up. “There you go. Just sit up straight.” She grinned over her shoulder at him. Her body seemed to move effortlessly with the horse beneath her, and it was clear that she felt like herself, wild and free.
There was no reason why she couldn’t stay at El Dédalo with him indefinitely. She could do whatever she wanted. Learn Spanish, go to the shooting range with him, make friends… She urged her horse into a brisker trot, and he envisioned them breaking into a gallop and leaving him far behind.
Cassie was sorry to have to leave a few hours later. They began the drive back to El Dédalo, and with every mile, the worries that had plagued her brain showed up again, like one crow after another coming to rest on a telephone wire. “I wish we didn’t have to go back so soon.”
His features arranged themselves into a guarded expression. “You really think it’s so bad there?”
She was insulting his home. “It’s not the place. It’s just— I don’t know what’s going to happen to me. Or the codex.”
He trained his eyes on the road. “What do you want to happen?”
“I don’t even know. They could buy the codex from me, maybe? And let me go back to my regular life?” She wasn’t even sure of that. Her regular life had been kind of sucking prior to all this, and not only in ways that a pile of money could fix. She’d wanted to do something real or important with her life. “They can’t release me and wipe my memory. I wouldn’t remember to control it. There would be more attacks.”
“They wouldn’t let you go that way,” he agreed.
Her frustration boiled higher. “I have no idea what’s going to happen to me here. Am I going to be a prisoner for life?” She squirmed against the seat belt as though it were suddenly binding her fast. “If they found a way to reverse it, then they could make me forget everything and take the codex. Because I wouldn’t know any different.”
Unexpectedly, he pulled the car over to the side of the road and turned off the engine. Cassie blinked at him. What the hell was he doing?
He turned to her. “I’m not letting them wipe your memory.”
Before, he’d told her he’d try to prevent that. “How can you say that? It’s not up to you. And these guys are your whole…everything. Have you ever once not done what they told you?”
“No, never.” His gray-blue eyes held hers in a steady gaze. “But my loyalty is to you first. I’m not letting anyone hurt you.”
She stared at him in disbelief. He leaned in and kissed her deeply, cupping her cheek and stroking his thumb along it. His tenderness melted her.
He broke off the kiss to say, “Cassie, I love you.”
Her heart jumped, a stutter of joy that switched to alarm. “You can’t know that yet.”
His face, so close to hers, held certainty and devotion, both demanding acknowledgement. “I don’t say things I don’t mean.”
She wanted to believe him, but panic tightened her throat. She and Rick hadn’t dated very long before getting engaged. Right away, he’d told her he loved her. She’d said it back automatically and then convinced herself it was true. He’d turned out to be the kind of person who’d said a lot of things—to clients, to friends, to everyone—in order to get what he wanted.
Jonathan was nothing like that. But how could she have earned such an absolute declaration in such a short time? He might be misjudging himself. She couldn’t take that chance, not when her own feelings for him were so strong.
A more terrible thought prowled into her mind. Couples who stayed together, even if they loved each other very much, could have vicious fights. The people one loved most could bear the brunt of one’s worst behavior. Maybe she shouldn’t have gotten involved with him, after all. She could kill him.
She looked away. “It’s too soon.”
A muscle in his jaw flexed. He wasn’t just hurt, but angry. She understood why. They’d grown so close, so quickly. But she wasn’t the only one who knew how to control a temper. He only said, “I thought you should know,” and then he started the car and pulled back onto the road again.
A heavy weight settled on her chest. She’d ruined their whole day. Or maybe he was the one who’d done that.
“This is embarrassing,” Cassie muttered to Val the next afternoon. “You’re always calming me down.”
“Well, I’m good at it,” she pointed out calmly. “Besides, it’s okay to get help sometimes. You’ll live a lot longer if you realize that.”
“You’re right. Which is kind of annoying.” She gave a small smile.
Cassie’s thoughts continued to stomp out an ever-deepening circular path of distress and indecision in her mind. Should she have told Jonathan she loved him, too? Could she even know that yet?
They’d managed to converse about other things before they’d gotten back to El Dédalo—more or less acting as though everything was okay, when it was actually painful and awkward. Neither of them had suggested spending the night together.
She cared about him, a lot. He understood her better than anyone, and every time he touched her, he set her mind reeling. He fascinated her, and his sense of honor and goodness filled her heart. She would do almost anything to make him happy.
“How much can you tell about what I’m feeling?” she asked Val.
“I’d rather not say. It makes people uncomfortable.”
“If it bothered me, I wouldn’t ask.”
She gave a rueful smile. “I don’t think that’s necessarily true. But I know that you’re—agitated. Regretful, scared…and filled with love.” Cassie swallowed hard. Val couldn’t feel things that weren’t there. “And I’m guessing it must be all about Jonathan.”
Cassie ran her finger along the Lego table. “You know him really well.”
“I’ve known him forever. His brother, too, of course. Our parents are good friends.” Cassie supposed she meant they were good friends, in the case of Jonathan’s mom. “We all played together when we were little children in Saint Augustine. And when we were older, we were all in Cairo. Our families would get together for dinner every Sunday night. And then sometimes, we kids would watch an American movie on DVD or Japanese anime.”
“I didn’t know Jonathan was into anime.”
Val smiled. “He isn’t. I lived in Tokyo before Cairo, and I was always trying to get them to watch these shows I liked. And I didn’t usually get my way, since I was younger. They liked some of it, though.”
Envy flickered through Cassie because Val had known him for so long. “What was Jonathan like with his other girlfriends?”
She frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Was he nice to them all the time?” Rick had treated her well when they were first dating. After they’d gotten married and he didn’t need to win her over any more, things had changed fast.
“I was never around him and Sophie Kazakov,” she said carefully. “Or the girl he dated when he was at West Point.”
“You probably heard things. I just want to know if he was a good boyfriend.”
She straightened in her seat. “I can’t help you. He talked to me about you yesterday. I have to keep both of your confidences.”
Cassie wanted answers, and she employed her usual strategy: a direct attack. “He told me he loved me yesterday. Did he tell you that?”
She slumped and rested her forehead on her hands. “I was afraid of that.”
Cassie knew Val would talk now. “I didn’t say it back. It’s been a really short time, and I don’t know if I can believe him.”
She lifted her head again. “You can’t tell anyone I’m talking to you about this. Not Johnny, not anyone, ever.”
Cassie nodded.
“He made a strong connection to you from the moment he Read you. Walking into anyone’s soul is always an emotional experience. And he thought you were beautiful, and courageous, and open with your feelings… He was completely taken with you. Every time he’s around you, or talking about you, I feel what he’s feeling, and it’s this weird mix of domineering lust and…total adoration. And he’s not changeable by nature.”
Cassie squirmed. Even though she’d asked, the intimacy of the disclosure made her soul feel bare.
Val gave a half shake of her head. “I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. Am I?” This didn’t require an answer. The Mage knew everything Cassie was feeling, anyway. “You’re in love with him. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be telling you this. It never seemed like you were afraid of it. You burn like a wildfire—bright and reckless.” Val’s talent at describing her emotions unsettled her even more. “Why are you retreating now?”
“All couples have bad fights. I’m scared my animals will hurt him. Aren’t you worried about that, too?”
“A little,” she admitted. “But you’ve been doing well around him, and now you’ve learned how to pull back an attack. And obviously he trusts you.”
“He doesn’t worry enough about getting hurt,” Cassie said, thinking of all of his scars.
Val laughed. “That’s it exactly. I told him yesterday he doesn’t have his guard up, but he has to remember everybody else does.”
Cassie was lucky to be able to talk to someone who knew him so well. “Can I ask you a few more things about him?”
“You can ask. I’ll see if I can answer.”
“Jonathan told me Michael was his parents’ favorite. Is that true?” This had troubled Cassie from the time he’d said it, and it bothered her even more now that he’d offered his love to her and she hadn’t returned the favor.
“I can talk to you about that. Friend to friend. Their father was much harder on Johnny, maybe because he was so much like him. Michael was cute and silly and charming, but even as a kid, Johnny was so serious.” Cassie could easily envision the child version of Jonathan, and it touched her heart. “If Michael got in trouble, their dad held Jonathan responsible, too, because he was older. He spanked them a lot when they were kids, and hard.”
Cassie recoiled. “What the hell?”
“Growing up, I was terrified of him. When they were older, he pushed them really hard in MMA. I do think he loves his sons, but…he could’ve done a lot better job. He still could. At Michael’s funeral, he wouldn’t tell Jonathan it wasn’t his fault.” Her eyes glistened. “When Michael was little, Jonathan was his hero. Then in Cairo, when they were teenagers, they would fight a lot. But by the time they were both here, the past couple of years, they were very close. They worked together so well. And now, it’s like a gaping hole in his emotional signature.”
Although Cassie hadn’t heard this term before, she ached at the description. “He doesn’t talk about it all the time. It’s easy for me to forget what he’s going through.”
“We miss Michael so much. I couldn’t work at all for a week. I kept drinking cup after cup of lavender and hawthorn tea—it’s supposed to help with grief—but it was like I was drinking sadness.” Tears welled in her eyes.
Cassie pressed her hand to her mouth. Val had grown up with Michael, so of course his death had hit her hard, too. “Val, I’m so sorry. He must’ve been like a brother to you.”
Val’s brow knitted. Instead of directly responding to this, she said, “I’m getting off the subject.”
“That’s all right.” Cassie patted her arm, and Val gave her a tremulous smile.
“I was so glad when I first felt the connection between you two. He deserves to be happy. So do you.”
Cassie ducked her head and looked down into her tea. It meant a lot that Jonathan’s closest friend approved of her.
“If you don’t think you can concentrate on training today, you could probably skip it just this once. You’ve come so far already.”
Cassie smiled. “No, that’s fine. We should do it.” If she really did want to be with Jonathan for a long time, she’d better get her power under total control.
The session was even more intense than before. Val Read her and plucked infuriating incidents from her past—fights with Rick, an unfair teacher, a childhood incident with a racist man at church. She chose people that Cassie couldn’t hurt now, since they were already dead. Val had asked about all of them in her psyche, although she covered her tracks behind her so Cassie couldn’t remember her being there.
Then Val asked her about them, one at a time, and she practiced not reacting. Cassie hadn’t thought of some of these things in years, and they stirred up fresh resentment that she had to immediately tamp down. Nonetheless, Val could sense her feelings, so she could gauge her control.
As Cassie left the office, a girl of maybe sixteen waited outside the door. She told Cassie, “Capitán Renaud wants to see you.”
“Right now?” Cassie whipped around, looking to Val for explanation, but the Mage merely shrugged.
The girl didn’t dignify this with an answer. Of course, right now, Cassie realized. When Capitán gave an order, people obeyed. She accompanied the teen to Capitán’s office.
“Rios, come in,” he said when the girl knocked on the door. She opened it for Cassie, and he said, “You can go, Nara.”
The office looked as though he’d moved in just a few days ago. On the large, blocky steel desk, one inbox held a few folders, and a laptop computer sat closed. There was nothing else in the way of furniture, except for his black swivel chair. Guests like Cassie had to stand. It didn’t strike her as so comfortable for him, either. Didn’t he have any visitors he wanted to relax and chat with for a while? Jonathan had said he didn’t have a wife or a significant other.
“I want you to do something for me,” he said.
“What’s that?”
“Consider becoming one of my Knights.”
A thrill of excitement rushed through her—followed by pure fear. Her stupefied mind at least knew how much of an honor he’d bestowed upon her by asking, and she opened her mouth to say thank you, and then hesitated. Thank you might be taken for yes.
“You have a week to decide.” He made a gesture for her to leave the office.
That night, alone in her room, she considered how to tell Jonathan about Capitán Renaud’s offer. Or did he already know? She doubted it.
What would it even mean to join Manus Sancti? Would she have to live in this hole in New Mexico for all of her days?
Maybe not. There were dozens of cells around the world; one of them could take her. Could she live somewhere amazing, like Paris? If Paris really was amazing. How would she know? She’d hardly ever been anywhere. She only spoke English, and that would make her a lone hick in an organization full of polyglots. Probably, they’d keep her in the States. How often would she see her family?
Would she go on missions to fight poltergeists, demons, and witches who truly were evil? Maybe she’d learn to fight, like Jonathan and Gabi. But no, wasn’t it too late for her to learn how? If Capitán hadn’t taken her so much by surprise, she would’ve asked more questions, about a hundred more, while she had the chance.
Why had he asked her to be a Knight and not a Mage? She had magic. But Val had said she didn’t have any of the normal Mage gifts. Sometimes people with a little extra power still became Knights. Jonathan, for instance.
She didn’t know martial arts, but she could shoot things, and she could learn to send a jaguar or bear after somebody’s ass anytime she wanted to. That second thing, of course, was why he wanted her.
After being rejected by both a husband and a company that were not, by anyone’s standards, all that great, being invited to join a secret society full of geniuses, psychics, and super soldiers was an ego boost about the height of Mount Everest. One thought flitted through her mind again and again: I’ve been waiting my whole life for this.
But Jesus, wouldn’t she get herself killed?