CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Scarlett
My first night of being a mother was exhausting, but I wasn’t doing it alone. Other than the times he was called away, Langston was right beside me, burping and changing diapers. The first poopy one had been hilarious.
“This isn’t shit, this is tar,” he complained as he yanked out another wipe, adding it to what was becoming a massive pile of ones he’d already dirtied.
I’d gotten my phone out and snapped a picture, catching him in mid gag. The big, bad surgeon had fallen, and I had photographic evidence to prove it.
At six in the morning, he told me he had to go. “I have back-to-back surgeries scheduled at Mercy, but if all goes well, I’ll be back by midafternoon.”
For some reason, the thought of him leaving, even for such a short trip uptown gave me tremendous anxiety. I tried not to show it. I refused to be one of those weepy females. It was bad enough that he’d caught me crying in the shower. No one was supposed to have witnessed that. I had shoved most of the roiling emotions deep down inside me, not wanting to release them until I was alone.
But no… he’d appeared. Then he didn’t run away even though I pushed. He jumped right into the middle of the physically and emotionally naked display, and… made it better. Made me better. As a result, there was a light in his eyes, a purpose that I hadn’t seen before. Maybe I was making him better too.
“Type my phone number into your contacts,” he told me before leaving for his other surgeries. I dutifully did as he asked as he listed the digits. “Now, call me so I’ll have your number.”
His phone vibrated, and he smiled, looking more than a little relieved. His thumbs flew over the screen. “What’s your address?” I gave it to him. “Your email?” I gave it to him. “Do you have a house phone or just a cell?”
I raised my eyebrow. “Don’t you have enough? You surely can reach me on one of those.”
He gave me a hard look I didn’t quite understand. For a second, I thought he was going to say something, but he gave his head a little shake and kept tapping things into his phone.
Stepping over to the babies, he bent and gently kissed each of their foreheads before stepping over to me to do the same. “I’ll be back, okay? They said they were discharging you late this afternoon. I’ll be here before then.”
He was taking this very seriously. I returned the solemn tone with an equal one. “Okay.”
He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “Gray.”
I blinked. Had I missed an entire conversation? “Huh?”
He smiled, clueing me in. “My favorite color is gray.”
I understood. He was playing the let’s get to know each other better game. He really needed to give me better notice. “Is gray a color?”
The smile grew wider. “It is. It’s a combination of red…” he touched my hair, “blue,” he swept a thumb under my eyes, “and green. I’m not sure where the green comes from.”
“Maybe it’s because green is my favorite color.”
The pull between us grew stronger as additional gravity seemed to settle all around me. “That must be it. I love it because it’s what you love.”
It was hard to breathe. “You sure know how to sweep a woman off her feet.”
“Not a woman. The woman. All I care about is you.”
Needing to touch him, I reached out and laid my palm on his thigh. His hand moved to immediately cover mine. “You know, if you’re trying to seduce me, you might want to save your breath for a few weeks.” I jutted out my bottom lip in my best pout. “As you know, I’m down for the count for a while.”
He didn’t miss a beat. “Your mouth appears to be perfectly fine.” My eyes widened, and he laughed. “I’m just kidding. You have to admit, though, you opened the door for that one.”
Yeah, I kind of did. And two could play at this game.
“You know, you have very big hands. You could take care of any of those little issues on your own.”
He leaned toward me. “Do you want to watch?”
My stomach tightened, not from a contraction. Okay, I couldn’t play this game. This man was way out of my league. “Um…”
He turned his hand until our fingers linked. “I remember when your hands were on me. Do you remember that?”
Where was the oxygen? “Yes, I remember. I haven’t been able to forget any detail of that night.”
Our eyes met. “Me either. It was special.”
“Do you still think so, considering the surprise that came from it?”
“I have only one regret. I regret that I wasn’t here for you these past months.”
My damn nose began to burn with the emotion that was never far from the surface. “I’m sorry.”
His eyes didn’t lose the intensity. “For what?”
“For not waking up.”
Did his shoulders fall a bit? “It’s not your fault. I should have tried harder. I should have made you wake up, and I should have asked for your phone number. I should have watched you input my number into your cell.” His face grew tighter. “I should have cancelled the flight. I should have cancelled the assignment. I should never have left you that morning. I should—”
“But you did.” I placed my fingers over his lips. “And you’re back by some miracle. Do we need to continue walking over that same ground?”
His shoulders sagged even farther, and I couldn’t understand why this was so important to him.
“Langston, I believe in this principle: right time, all the time. We were apart for a reason. Maybe I had some lessons to learn during these months. Maybe you had important lessons too. I don’t know. What I do know is that you’re here now. What I do know is that I’m glad. What I do know is that we have two children who need us. What I do know is that…” I faltered, forcing the words back down my throat.
“What, Scarlett? What do you know?”
Screw it. Just say it.
“I need you.” Why did the words burn in my throat? “I didn’t think I did. I was — am — prepared to take care of Samuel and Sofi on my own. I’ve psyched myself up, believing I could do it alone, then you show up, and maybe it was the universe or God or whatever’s way of telling me I couldn’t do it alone after all.” The damn tears were hot on the backs of my eyes. “That I wasn’t good enough to do it alone.”
I didn’t even know that was how I felt until I said it.
He understood, and his face softened with that knowledge. “So, my appearing made you question yourself?”
“Yes. No. Yes.” I wasn’t making any sense. “Yes. It’s part of it. It’s an unconscious question that whispers in the back of my mind. That voice says that I’m not good enough, strong enough, capable enough to do this by myself.”
I thought about my tiny apartment. The two cribs shoved in the corner. The curtains so valiantly trying to make that corner a separate, private room. As Amy said, it would work. For a year, maybe two. Then what? I’d stopped classes for my masters, which meant being a midwife was out of my current reach.
As a nurse, I made a really terrific salary… if I lived anywhere but New York. As it was, my seven-hundred-fifty-square-foot apartment took up forty percent of my monthly salary. I’d already looked at two-bedroom apartments close to the hospital. If I wanted to eat, I couldn’t afford those. Bay Ridge was more affordable, but it was an hour-long train ride each way to work.
So, yes. I was desperately afraid of failing. The babies. Myself.
“Scarlett…” he said my name gently, “I’m familiar with that voice. We all have it. It’s like the worse nag in the world. And it’s mean, but it holds a higher purpose. It’s trying to protect us.”
I snorted. “Well, I wish that voice would stop it. It’s cruel. I say things to myself that I would never, ever say to another human being.”
He lifted his fingers to my lips. “Then I’ll need to say all the positive things I see in you loud enough to drown out that other voice.”
My heart squeezed at how sincere he looked. “That would be nice.”
He seemed surprised that I hadn’t pushed the idea away. “Do you know what I want?”
I searched his face. “What?”
“A dog, but my dad is, was, allergic. When I got older, I didn’t have time for a dog. Plus I traveled so much that it wasn’t fair to own one.”
I thought I understood. “Now that you’re in New York to take over your father’s practice, are you thinking about getting one?”
He nodded. “I know the babies are too young now, but I’d like them to have that kind of companion.” He swallowed, seeming to be uncertain again. “If that’s okay with you.”
“I love dogs. Where I grew up on a farm, there were animals everywhere. I miss them, but I don’t have space in my apartment.”
He turned my hand, tracing the lines with his finger. “I have room. I just had a wonderful carriage house remodeled. It’s three stories. The bottom floor is the living and kitchen space. The second floor is a master suite, and a couple other rooms, one being my office.” He met my eyes again. “The third floor has two bedrooms, two bathrooms, and an enormous space that I hadn’t really known what to do with. It could be a playroom.”
Was he asking me to move in with him?
“Langston…” I didn’t know what to say.
“Scarlett, I know it’s too soon. I know we barely know each other. I know there is nothing traditional about any of this, so why stop now? I don’t want you to have to do this on your own. I don’t want to be away from you and the babies. I want to be there.”
“This isn’t about what you want or don’t want,” I snapped and immediately felt guilty for my waspish tone when a hurt expression flashed across his face before he managed to erase it.
I was doing it again, pushing people way. Pushing him away.
He took a deep breath, but didn’t let go of my hand. I didn’t pull it away either. “You’re right, this isn’t about me. This space is available. I’m available.” He cursed under his breath. “No, I’m not just available. I’m here. Present and accountable. I want to be here.”
I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to prove that I could do this alone, but in the same breath, I didn’t want to do this alone.
“Can I think about it?” I asked tentatively.
He nodded. “Of course.” He began tracing the lines of my hand again. “Is it okay if I let my mother know she’s a grandmother? My grandparents would want to know they have a pair of greats to spoil too.”
My nose and throat clogged with emotion. A family. The babies could have a family.
“Don’t you want to wait for the results of the paternity test?”
“No.” There was no hesitation as he met my gaze.
It warmed me, this trust in me. “In that case, tell them whenever and however you want.”
“Thank you.” To my surprise, he reached out and placed a hand on my squishy, bloated stomach. “I didn’t get to see your belly grow round. I didn’t get to see the ultrasounds or hear the first heartbeat. By some crazy miracle, I witnessed the babies being born. Please give me a chance to witness everything else.”
This was the man of my dreams. Why was I even hesitating?
“Yes. Of course, I’ll give you the chance.” I couldn’t stop the tears. “I’m just scared.”
A smile played on his mouth, but his eyes were wet too. “Of vampires?”
I laughed, a sharp burst of sound, but the amusement didn’t last long. “Yes. The kind that suck the hope from your spirit, the love from your heart.”
“I don’t want to do any of that, and if it’s any help, I’m scared too.”
He was such a big man. Strong and solid. Successful and handsome. “Of what?”
“I don’t let people get close to me. In such a short time, you weren’t just close, it was like you were this serpent who had crawled under my skin. I could feel you there, even when I couldn’t see you.”
I attempted to break the crackling tension between us. “So, you’re a vampire and I’m a snake. I frankly don’t think our relationship stands a chance.”
One corner of his mouth lifted a little but that was all. “I’m Sampson and you’re Delilah, and you slayed me within moments of us meeting, held me captive to your charms.”
“I don’t want you slain. I don’t want to hold you captive.”
How could I make her understand something I didn’t yet understand myself?
“You did. You do. But it’s not how I thought it would be. I thought I’d fight the chains binding me to one person, one place. But they aren’t chains, Scarlett. They’re… roots.”
Roots. From our mutual trees of life.
“If your house was on fire and you could rescue one thing, humans or animals excluded, what would it be?”
He frowned a little at my sudden change of subject, then tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. He considered the question. And considered. And considered. “Can I get back to you on that? I honestly don’t know that I possess anything I couldn’t walk away from.” That was so very sad. “What about you?”
I already knew my answer. “Pictures of my parents and brother. I’m terrified that they’ll get destroyed one day, and they’ll be gone.”
His face was a mask of sympathy. “Will you tell me about them one day?”
I swallowed and met the eyes of the father of my children. “Yes.”
He caressed my cheek and leaned toward me, then seemed to catch himself. His gaze searched my face, examined every feature. “I want to know everything.”
I licked my lips. “Then know this. I want you to kiss me.”
His nostrils flared, passion bursting over his expression before he tucked it away. It felt like forever until his lips touched mine, warm and soft, familiar and so very missed. His hand sank into my hair, turning my head just enough that the angle changed and the kiss deepened. It was the most chaste kiss we had shared, but it still curled my toes.
He broke away, pressing his forehead to mine. “I’ve never loved kissing a woman so much.”
“I’ve never loved kissing a man so much.”
His phone pinged, but he ignored it and kissed me again.
“You do something to me, Scarlett. From that first moment, I felt it.”
“I felt it too. Feel it still.”
His lips pressed against my cheek. “I think we have something worth working toward.”
His phone pinged and I sighed, our foreheads pressing together again. “You better go.”
“Yes.” He didn’t move though, just kept his forehead against mine.
“It’s okay,” I promised. “I’ll be here when you get back.”
His look was intense. “And I will be back. I promise.”
I smiled. “You don’t have to keep saying that, you know?”
He broke the connection, dropped the hand from my hair. “Yes, I do. I’ll be back.”
I already missed him before he was out of the door.