Back in my office, I thought I would just lay my head on my desk and stay there, motionless. Maybe forever. What with Rosie, and Red’s return, the protest was a confusion too far.
A knock on my door. ‘Still here?’ It was Red.
I’d spent eighteen years wondering about him and now he was here, I wished he would go back to California again. We could neither be colleagues or friends, however much we tried to pretend otherwise. It was just too awkward, the weight of our history clouding everything.
‘Red…’ I forced a smile. ‘How’s it going?’
‘Well, despite the fact that I don’t have a beard,’ he said, ‘it’s been surprisingly good.’
‘There’s still time.’ I smiled weakly. ‘Between now and the end of term to grow one.’
‘I could,’ he said. ‘I still have every chance of looking like a proper teacher.’ He smiled. ‘Listen, I wanted to ask about setting up a drama club with the girls. It could be a lunchtime thing, if we can get access to the hall. I asked them today if they were interested and they were all excited by the idea. It’s something I always did in the States: a lunchtime drama group, and I thought that we could get something together here. It’s what they need at this age. Something non-competitive, that’s not based on academic work. And they get to play. Something girls forget to do after a certain age. Or rather they are not encouraged to do.’
Red had always been enthused about teaching, ever since we first trained together. He loved working with young people and it was heartening to see that he hadn’t lost his spark. ‘That sounds like a great idea,’ I said, smiling. ‘We just have to get permission from parents and work out the logistics. Will you talk to Mary about it in the morning?’
‘Okay… thanks Tab.’ I waited for him to go, but instead he lingered, as though there was something else.
‘Tab, I was wondering…I hope you don’t mind me asking but I’ve just seen your mother… protesting. What’s going on?’
‘Oh that?’ I said airily. ‘Nothing really.’
‘But it is your mother…?’ Any other brand-new teacher wouldn’t be quizzing me, I thought, feeling irritated at this liberty Red was taking. But then, why shouldn’t he take it? He wasn’t just a brand-new teacher. He was Red.
’Yes it’s her all right.’ I sighed. ‘It’s about a plan to sell a very small slice of land, nothing that anyone should get energised about, but they are merely exercising their democratic right to protest.’ It wasn’t just Michael who had the monopoly on pomposity, I thought, as I spouted forth. But I didn’t want Red to see that I wasn’t in perfect control of my life. He had to see I had made a real success of everything.
‘Why sell the land?’
‘It’s a way of bringing a much-needed cash injection into the school,’ I went on, loftily. ‘It’s actually a very good plan. We are really short of money to do things in the school such as fix a roof, buy some chairs… a few iPads…’
‘Really?’
‘Look, nothing has been decided. I said I would give this my full consideration. And I will. It has to go in front of the board first and then I get the final say.’
‘But you’re not going to do it, are you?’ he said. ‘You can’t sell the land… not for a few bits of plastic…’
‘Red, we need money. The school exists on handouts from our parents. Every week we have some kind of money-making ploy, whether it’s dress-up day, or a book sale. We are scrabbling for money all the time. We can’t afford to resurface the playground or replace any broken desks or… invest in technology.’
‘Right… Tabitha, I know it’s not my place…’
I let that one hang there, hoping my silence would be enough of an answer.
‘But,’ he went on, oblivious to my annoyance, ‘really? Trees for technology. I didn’t think you would do that.’
‘Well, Red, you don’t know me that well, do you? And you shouldn’t suggest that you do…’
Ignoring my rebuke, he pressed on, ‘and now you’ve got a protest outside. How long are they going to be there for? They look like they are quite happy already. You don’t need this. And the kids don’t need a protest on their doorstep. It’s not good for anyone. Come on, we’ll find another way of raising the money. A sponsored football match. Anything.’
‘It’s fine,’ I said, with a patronising smile. ‘I am totally in control of the situation. And anyway, Red, you’ve just joined the school. It’s hardly your concern.’
‘You’re right. I’m being presumptuous.’
‘And, it’s nothing,’ I said. ‘Just a little protest. My mother loves a protest, as you might remember. I think she was getting bored because she hadn’t had a good fight on her hands since last year’s save the lesser spotted earwig campaign. She’s been banned from her local health food shop because she complained so often about them using Israeli chickpeas in their hummus…’
‘But…’
‘This is what she’s like Red,’ I reminded him. ‘She likes a cause. Gives her a purpose in life.’ I could feel my face going red with frustration and embarrassment. After all these years, Red had come back and instead of me showing him how together my life was, what a success I had made of things, the cracks, the reality, was already appearing.
‘Ah, a purpose. We all need one of those. I must get one, one of these days.’ He was helping me out, I knew that. He’d noticed how I was shifting awkwardly. ‘Look, I’m sorry, asking all those questions. It’s just that… I don’t know.’
‘It’s all right.’ I didn’t know where the lines were either.
‘Whatever happened to that man your mum used to go out with? What was his name?’
‘Finty. Finty Somethingorother. O’Brien. Finty O’Brien.’
‘Finty! That was him. Tattoo of some woman’s name.’
‘Bernadette. It looked as though it had been inked by someone with delirium tremens.’
Red laughed and I found my mouth twitching into a smile too.
‘I asked him who Bernadette was once,’ I said. ‘She was a dog apparently.’
Red’s loud guffaw echoed around the room. For a moment I wondered what it would be like if I brought him home for dinner, introduced him to Rosie. Could we be friends? It would be nice, I thought, having a new friend. A new old friend, someone who made me laugh. I wondered what his hand would feel like if I took it, if we went for a walk on the pier in Dun Laoghaire, where we always used to go. I wondered what life would have been like if only I hadn’t gone swimming that day. If only…
Before
Four in the morning and I had just hitched all the way from West Cork after leaving Nora and her boyfriend, Finty, at the Peace Camp on Mizen Head. Calling Red from a petrol station by the Red Cow Inn. And twenty minutes later, there he was. It was dark and cold and I had never been so tired. I had zigzagged my way up from the arse end of nowhere, thumbing lifts and waiting hours and hours. When I saw the old Nissan pulling into the forecourt, I burst into tears and then Red’s arms around me, the smell of his old jacket, the light stubble on his face. Him kissing me, in the grey light of the dawn.