Once the drawbridge was up, Destiny relaxed a little. Even in the wildly unlikely event that Apex had tracked them to a city they’d only found by chance and no amount of deliberate searches had ever discovered, the water vipers would make short work of any rampaging hell pigs. Ethan had the safe place he needed to rest and recover.

If rest is all he needs, an uneasy voice within her muttered.

He looked terrible, pale and sweating and trembling just from the effort of staying on his feet. When she slipped her arm back around him, she could feel how hard he was working just to breathe. By the time she got him to the room that she suspected had been the maharajah’s bedroom, she was practically carrying him.

She laid him in the bed, took off his boots and belt, then, suspicious that he’d been hiding an injury, his pants and shirt. The black bruise on his side had spread past the edges of the tape she’d laid across his ribs. Broken ribs, for sure. Internal injuries? Pneumonia, like she’d surmised? Some other infection? All of the above?

He shivered, and she pulled the covers over him. He lay still, eyes closed, looking far more vulnerable than she’d ever seen before. Destiny stroked his hair, which was damp with sweat and very soft. He didn’t stir. The air rasped in his throat.

She wished she knew more about medicine than what she’d learned in a basic battlefield aid class, plus what she’d picked up from her paramedic pals. Then again, she suspected that the problem wasn’t her lack of knowledge, but her lack of supplies. What would Shane be able to do if he was here? He’d probably just know the exact name and dosage of the antibiotics he didn’t have anyway.

No, said her tiger. Knowledge is exactly what you need.

Destiny jumped, startled and uneasy. Her tiger’s voice had sounded so… forceful. Normally she was playful or lazy. Cranky, at most. And then there’d been those revolting demands to rip out the daeodon’s throat and drink his blood…

Yes, hissed her tiger. It would have been so satisfying. Next time, I won’t let you hold me back.

Forget about… Destiny didn’t even want to think it. Any of it. …all that stuff. What did you mean about me needing knowledge?

Medicine doesn’t just come from tablets. Those… The tiger snarled the next words with anger and revulsion. …those pills of yours don’t come from a factory. There’s medicine all around you, if you just remember it. Remember! The last word came out in a silent roar that left Destiny reeling.

She tried to remember the herb-gathering trips she’d gone on with Mataji. They hadn’t been in this exact sort of terrain—her area had been less of a jungle, more of a forest, and Mataji had said that Destiny’s own herb, sherneend, only grew atop a single mountain. But she’d pointed out other herbs that she’d said grew in the entire region.

Unfortunately, Destiny had been more interested in flying kites, catching lizards, and generally raising hell with Mataji’s rowdy grandkids. Now she wished she’d spent less time gathering long seed-pods to dry into rattling brown swords to fight mock duels with, and more paying attention to the priceless knowledge Mataji had to impart. If she’d only known!

You do know, her tiger growled impatiently. Focus your silly human rattle-brain, and remember!

Destiny closed her eyes and tried to relax, letting the memories come. Mataji had been spry for her age, trotting briskly along in her slapping flat sandals, with the edges of her green sari forever threatening to drag in the mud but somehow always staying spotless. She carried a cane, but just used it to bang on the ground to get attention, or to point. Destiny pictured that cane pointing, and tried to see what it pointed at.

A low creeper with white flowers. Mataji had said the dried flowers eased menstrual cramps. That had embarrassed Destiny horribly at the time since her period hadn’t even started yet, but it was kind of funny in retrospect given her go-to excuse for her actual pills.

A spiny red fruit that could be steeped in alcohol to make a liniment to rub on sore muscles. Destiny could use some of that right now, but it wasn’t as if she needed it, and anyway they didn’t have any alcohol.

Little brown seeds, to be chewed for toothache… A jagged-edged green leaf, to be crushed and applied to wounds… A yellow flower, for coughs…

The images came thick and fast, crowding at her mind. Her tiger was right. She did have everything she needed, at least as far as knowledge was concerned. She just had to go out and hunt for it.

Yesss, hissed her tiger. Be a hunter!

Right. Sure, Destiny promised, trying to keep her uneasiness out of her mental voice. Let’s go stalk the wild geranium.

“Hey. Hey, jarhead. Wake up.”

She had to shake Ethan before he opened his eyes, and even then it was a moment before they focused on her.

“Do you need me?” he mumbled.

I always need you, she thought before she could stop herself. I need you more than I need air to breathe.

She crammed that thought into a box and sat on it. “No, I’m fine. I have to go out and get something. I want to leave my gun with you, just in case. Okay?”

“Yeah.” His eyes were already fluttering shut.

She laid it on a little bedside table within reach of his hand. Then, doubtful, she asked, “Could you shoot?”

“Always, mudpuppy.” His voice was weak, but she knew it was the truth.

She took his hand and squeezed it. “I’ll be back soon.”

Destiny hurried along the streets. She barely noticed the beauty around her, she was so knotted up with ten different kinds of worry. What if she didn’t recognize the herbs after all? What if they didn’t grow here? What if she got the wrong ones, and poisoned Ethan? What if—

Inside her head, her tiger roared with fury. Shut up! Shut up, and hunt! Then let ME hunt!

Destiny rocked back on her heels, jolted out of her anxiety and into a whole new one. She was tempted to yell back at her tiger, but God knew what sort of fury that would unleash. Instead, she made herself reply calmly. I am hunting. And I need hands to pick the herbs, and then I have to carry them in a backpack, and then I have to grind them or boil them or something. You can’t do any of that. You want Ethan to get better, right?

Yes, growled her tiger. We will protect Ethan. Go, silly girl! Protect him, PROTECT HIM!

The roar was loud enough to make her head ring. As she left the city and began to poke through the jungle outside, she couldn’t help hoping against hope that Mataji had been wrong about the whole “only on a single mountaintop” thing and she’d find a nice patch of sherneend, gray-green and ready for picking.

With smug satisfaction, her tiger said, You will find none of that here. Then, an instant later, Are you blind? There, there!

And there it was: a patch of the little yellow-flowered herb that soothed coughs, almost invisible under a layer of dead leaves. Destiny picked the lot of it, then, rather grudgingly, said, Thanks.

Her tiger purred.

And then she saw the entire world with new eyes. It was as if she was looking at one of those magic pictures that looked like a bunch of random dots until you stared at it long enough, and then it became a vase of flowers. The jungle was no longer a hard terrain to be overcome, it was a supermarket with everything free for the taking. There were fruits and there were vegetables and there were spices, there was a tree whose twigs could be chewed and used as toothbrushes, there was a vine that could be stripped and dried and twisted into rope. And there was an entire pharmacy full of medicinal herbs.

Unfortunately, most of them weren’t the ones she needed. She impatiently passed over leaves that settled upset stomachs and roots that cured athlete’s foot, bark for headaches and berries for cramps and a flower that could be made into a rinse for oily hair.

What about that? asked her tiger when she hesitated over a plant with pale leaves and tiny purple flowers. I don’t remember that one.

I think Mataji showed me that one when you were asleep, Destiny replied. It’ll make Ethan feel better, but…

Then give it to him, her tiger growled impatiently. Stop dawdling and pick it!

Destiny didn’t feel like getting into yet another argument with her tiger. She picked it. There was no harm in that. But she’d let Ethan decide whether or not he wanted to take it.

She also harvested a jagged-leaved herb she could crush and apply to his wounds. But she had no luck finding anything useful for fever or pneumonia. Maybe none of those grew where she was. Or maybe if she kept searching, eventually she’d find some… but when she checked her watch, she saw that she’d already been gone for hours. She didn’t like leaving Ethan alone that long, especially when there might be enemies about, gun or no gun. Reluctantly, she headed back into the city.

As she turned a corner, she startled a big white deer. It leaped over a low wall, then bounded toward the jungle.

Destiny’s tiger lunged forward.

No! Destiny shouted inwardly. Not now. We can get a deer any time we want.

Not food, her tiger snarled. I want to chase. I want to hunt NOW!

It felt like the beast would explode through her skin, tearing her to bits in an effort to set herself free.

Destiny found herself down on her knees on the hard stone streets, clutching her head in her hands and shouting aloud. “Stop! I have to bring the herbs to Ethan! If you take me over, he could die!”

Her tiger backed down with a final, resentful snarl.

Destiny got shakily to her feet. She could feel the beast within as a raging, uncontrollable presence, not only in her mind but in her body, in her entire being. She’d defeated the animal for now, but she had no confidence that she could do so again. It was stronger than she was. It always had been. And now she’d lost her only defense against it.

She hurried back to the palace, pulled the drawbridge, and went to check on Ethan. He was still asleep, and didn’t even seem to have moved. She stood for a moment looking down at his sleeping face, at his sandy eyelashes, the nape of his neck. She had the crazy impulse to bend over and kiss it…

…which was not what he needed. Maybe if she was his mate, her touch alone might soothe him. But she wasn’t, so it wouldn’t, so she wouldn’t.

Destiny practically bolted out of the room before she could change her mind. She found the palace kitchen, which had a lot of sealed jars she decided were better left unopened, and also pots and pans and a cooking hearth, which she used to prepare the herbs.

We could have fresh venison right now, sweet and tender, if you weren’t so stubborn, growled her tiger.

We’ll hunt for deer later, Destiny promised. I don’t have many outfits, remember? I want to undress before I shift.

Why bother? Fur is better than stupid clothes.

Destiny didn’t dignify that with a response.

She carried a tray up to Ethan, set it on the table by the bed, and shook him awake. “Hey, jarhead. Buddy. Ethan, come on. Wake up.”

He was hard enough to rouse that she thought he’d been closer to unconsciousness than sleep. His blue-green eyes were glassy, his face flushed. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, we’re fine. I made you some herbal remedies. Here, take this. It’ll help your cough.” She gave him a spoonful of sticky syrup. Then she held up the mug of tea she’d made from the herb with pale leaves and purple flowers. “This one… Let me tell you what it is, then you decide whether or not you want to take it.”

He rubbed his forehead like his head hurt. “That sounds ominous. Are you not sure whether it’s mushrooms or toadstools?”

Destiny rolled her eyes. “No, jarhead. I know exactly what it is. That’s the problem. It’s a… kind of a pick-me-up. It’ll help with the pain, knock your fever down, give you more energy and a clearer head…”

“What’s the catch?”

“It’s not a cure, or even a treatment. It’ll make you feel better for a little while, but once it wears off, whatever’s wrong will still be wrong. Worse, probably, since you’ll have been running around doing things when you should’ve been resting.”

The moment she said those last words, Destiny wished she hadn’t. Eagerly, Ethan said, “Run around? It could get me back on my feet? For how long?”

“No idea. Might be a few hours, might be a few days.”

“Days, huh? Think it could last long enough to get me to the base?”

Destiny bit her lower lip. “I really don’t know. Like I said, it could just be a couple hours. Or it could last just long enough to get you to the base, then you collapse once you’re inside.”

“I’ll take that risk.” He held out his hand for the mug.

“You sure?”

“Positive, mudpuppy. Hand it over.” He struggled to sit up, then fell back. Destiny helped him sit up and lean against a bunch of brocade pillows, then steadied his hands around the cup. She’d found it in the kitchen; it was made of fine porcelain painted with a delicate pattern of jungle vines.

Ethan sipped the concoction and made a face. “Tastes like old socks.”

“How do you know what old socks taste like?”

She thought he was going to say it tasted like old socks smelled, but he chuckled and said, “Because Ellie stuffed one of hers in my mouth when we kids.”

“Good lord. And here I always thought you were the hellraiser.”

“Nah. Both of us.” He gulped at the tea, obviously trying to drink it quickly enough that he wouldn’t have to taste it. “Maybe she stopped after a while. I wasn’t there.”

Hoping to distract him from the revolting tea, she said, “How old were you when your parents split up?”

“Ten.” Ethan took another gulp. “They split up me and Ellie too. Dad moved across the country and took me with him. Before that, she and I had been inseparable. After, we saw each other once a year at Christmas.”

“That’s rough. I can’t imagine.”

“Aren’t your parents divorced too?”

“Yeah, but Dad moved literally three blocks away. I saw him nearly every day, stayed over every weekend. It was years before Mom re-married, but my little brother calls his father Daddy and my father Papa.” Destiny hadn’t thought much about what that must have been like from her parents’ perspective, but now she realized how hard it had probably been. “Mom and Dad really knocked themselves out make sure we all stayed a family, even though they weren’t in love any more. I don’t think I ever told them how grateful I am.”

“You should. Ellie and I would’ve given anything for that.” Ethan tipped up the mug to get the last drops, swallowed, and shuddered. “Got anything to get the taste out of my mouth?”

He needs meat, raw and dripping with blood, her tiger advised. I’ll pull down a deer and rip out its heart. You can bring it to him, still warm and quivering. That will give him strength.

Not enough yeccch in the world, returned Destiny.

She offered Ethan another cup, this one filled with fresh-squeezed mango juice. His hands were steadier now, and he was able to hold it without help.

“I have another herbal thing for your cuts,” she said. “It should stop them from getting infected and help them heal faster. It might sting a bit.”

He smiled. “I think I can grit my teeth and bear a little stinging.”

She pulled back the covers and began gently smoothing the salve she’d prepared into the incredible array of cuts and scrapes that marred his smooth skin. He felt a little less hot; she hoped that was real and not wishful thinking.

Ethan sighed, but with relief rather than pain, and she felt his taut muscles relax under her fingers. “It doesn’t sting at all. It feels good, actually… Hey, how’d you learn all this? This is way more sophisticated than anything I learned in SERE training.”

“When looking for edible grubs, turn over rocks before shoving your hand under them?”

“Just takes one scorpion sting to teach you that lesson. And by the way, thanks for not bringing me grubs. I don’t think I could stomach them.” Then, his steady gaze fixed on hers, he persisted, “Listen, if I’m asking about something that’s classified, just say, ‘Forget it, jarhead,’ and I’ll never ask again.”

“It’s not classified.” Destiny only realized that her hands were trembling when the salve smeared over his belly. She had to tell him. Otherwise, if she had to run, he’d think she’d been killed, or abandoned him. But the thought of him knowing just how flawed she was filled her with a horrible mixture of cold fear and hot shame. “I… I…”

“Hey.” He laid his hand over hers. It was cooler: no longer fever-hot, just human-warm. But his blue-green gaze burned like a flame. “If something bad happened to you here… If someone hurt you when you were a little girl, that is nothing to be ashamed of. I’d never think badly of you because of something that was done to you against your will, or of something you did because you had to do it to survive…”

“No!” To her horror, tears had thickened her throat, making her denial come out in a gulp. “No, no one ever hurt me here. They saved me! It’s me that’s the problem, me that’s weak, me that’s—that’s a danger to you, Ethan!”

The anger and passion faded from his eyes, leaving them soft and bewildered. “How could you ever be a danger to me?”

She had to protect him. This was the only way. At long last, she had to tell him the awful truth that meant he would never again look at her with trust, but only with fear. And, worse, disappointment. He’d only desired her because she’d let him believe she was desirable. And now he’d learn the truth.

Taking a deep breath, she said, “Because I was born wrong.”