I LAY IN BED until the sun cut through a tiny hole in one of my worn curtains. My mind was running a mile a minute; I couldn’t stop reliving that night in the hospital and remembering what they’d said.
I wasn’t sure what I planned on doing with this newfound memory, but I couldn’t find it in me to just let it go. Justice needed to be served.
Crawling out of my bed, I went to the refrigerator and pulled it open. Bottles clinked together and echoed throughout the kitchen. For the first time in a while, I was starving, but there was no food in my apartment.
Going back to my bedroom, I reached down and grabbed a dirty shirt from the floor. Giving it a quick sniff, I decided it wasn’t too bad and pulled it over my head. Black smudges covered my jeans and the shirt had a few stains, but I pulled on my hoodie and went to the door.
I stood there in front of it, anxiety over leaving my secure space slamming into me like a wrecking ball. I hadn’t left the apartment much since her funeral and the days of the week had begun to blur.
How long ago did I leave my baby in the cold earth all alone?
Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and pulled open the door.
Once outside, the sun blinded me and I coughed around the fresh air that filled my lungs. It felt unnatural to be in the light where people walked by and smiled as if life was good.
It wasn’t.
Life was shit.
Fuck life with a big piece of broken glass.
I pulled out of my parking space and into traffic, driving with the purpose of finding food. Golden arches blazed in the distance, and I found myself pulling into the McDonald’s drive-thru.
On the drive home, I tried to focus on the road only, ignoring the people around me, but I couldn’t. I watched them move like herds on the sidewalks. Every one of them oblivious to the war of hate and grief raging inside me.
And then I saw a familiar face.
I jerked when I saw the flash of familiarity and swerved my car. The sound of squealing brakes, blaring horns, and angry shouts followed behind me as I pulled into an underground parking garage.
I didn’t have the time to find a parking spot, so I stopped my car in the middle of the garage lane. Putting it in park, I bolted. The concrete was hard beneath my boots as I ran in search of the familiar face.
And then he was there.
Chelsea’s cardiologist.
Hate reared its ugly head, blazing my cheeks with fire.
It was fate that I’d see him again. I had a few choice words and a fist waiting for him.
Pushing my way through the maze of people, I ignored their aggravated shouts as I shoved off them. I stepped on toes and fell against the glass of an Italian restaurant, prompting the diners to look at me with shocked eyes, but I didn’t care.
I felt nothing.
As I approached him, he was busy talking on his phone. I wasted no time as I roughly grabbed him by the arm and spun him around. I pushed him into the wall and pressed my arm across his chest. My fist flew into the air, aimed and ready.
And then everything froze.
Adrenaline was coursing through my body, clouding my vision and making me see things that weren’t there. My crazy mind was playing tricks on me. The man in front of me wasn’t familiar at all. It wasn’t him.
The stranger didn’t say anything as I lowered my arm and let go of his shirt. A crowd of shocked passersby gathered around us and I was sure one of them had probably already called the police.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled, disappearing into the crowd toward my car.
I needed to get the fuck out of there. I needed to be in the darkness alone.
MY MIND WAS buzzing as I walked into my apartment building and through the lobby. I stopped when I spotted the ancient desktop computer and the sign that said free use for tenants.
The chair squeaked when I sat in it and turned on the screen. I opened the browser and began typing. It didn’t take me long to find what I was looking for.
The magic of the internet.
Its slogan should be Making stalking possible since 1973.
I scribbled down what I needed on the paper at the desk and closed out the page. My chair scuffed against the floor as I got up and made my way to my apartment.
Inside, I devoured my food, often forgetting to chew. I was hoping that having a full stomach was going to help me think clearly, but no such luck.
I stared at the piece of paper in my hand until the letters and numbers blurred together. I didn’t know what I was going to do with the info, but I knew I had to see him again.
Energy and motivation were my only friend at the moment, and I leaned on its shoulder to get up and take a shower. Constance was right; I did smell like old man ass.
The hot water felt fucking great against my skin, and I stayed under its spray for nearly an hour before it started to run cold. Finishing up, I pushed open the curtain and ran a towel over my body. I rubbed the towel over my hair, then hung it around my neck and walked naked into the room.
It was getting dark, but I wanted to skip sleep. I was too anxious about the following day, but mostly, it was because I wanted to sidestep the nightmares. However, it’d been so long since I’d been this productive that I felt exhausted, and the minute my head hit the pillow, I was out.
I dreamed of him.
He was begging for my forgiveness in utter fear on his knees in front of me. It wasn’t my forgiveness he needed; it was Chelsea’s. And it was his own fault that he’d never get it.
I was going to be his death, and I’d have no mercy as I wrapped my hands around his neck and choked the life out of him. Everything grew dark and then there was a moment of doubt as I watched the light fade from his pale face. Suddenly, I heard her calling my name.
I froze.
Chelsea standing behind him, watching me, watching the monster I’d become. Her eyes sparkled with confusion, and she looked so tiny—so fragile—standing there bathed in a soft golden glow. She was the epitome of everything pure and innocent. She was goodness and light.
She’d been the one to keep me sane and happy. She’d made me a better man. But without her, nothing left in me was redeemable. He’d taken her away, and now, he was left to face the consequences of his actions.
“Close your eyes, baby girl. Don’t watch Daddy,” I told her softly.
And then she was gone and so was my doubt.
I looked down at him and finished what I started; choking him until blood dripped from his lips and my fingers ached.