Cassidy
AFTER ORDERING THE girls’ hot chocolates, Blake insisted we leave right away. I tried to get him to relax just a little longer by the fire, but he refused, adamant that the kids needed naps before dinner. I thought he’d open up once we returned to the car, but instead we sat in silence for several lingering minutes.
Wishing I knew what caused the sudden shift between us, I decided to broach the subject. Noticing his hand resting on the gearshift, I gently placed mine on top of his. Glancing in my direction, he forced a half-smile.
“Hey, you OK over there?” I asked, breaking the deafening silence. “You’re not the same guy you were while we were at the park.”
“Yep, I’m fine,” he said, returning his attention back to the road. “Just tired.”
“You sure? It seemed like something happened back there. Was it something I said?”
“I said I’m fine, Cass. Let it go, OK?” he snapped, twisting his wedding band as it rested against the wheel. Something was definitely not right. In the time I’d known Blake, he’d never once raised his voice–especially with his children within earshot. Not wanting to get into it with him in front of the kids, I removed my hand from his, and agreed to let it go, but it would be on my terms.
“Yeah, OK,” I nodded, my frustration growing. “You can just take Kaity and me back to the hotel.”
“No, we’re having dinner at my place. We agreed on this earlier and I already bought groceries. I was planning on cooking for you two,” he said, tension still evident in his tone.
“I just thought you might want to be alone, that’s all. We can have dinner some other time. It’s not a big deal.”
“It’s a big deal to me. We’re having dinner at my place–tonight. End of discussion. Besides, you’re leaving in the morning.”
There was no use arguing with him. If there was anything I’d learned about Blake in the short time that we’d been together was that he was determined and as stubborn as a mule. I sighed, just hoping he would start talking over dinner, or I wasn’t sure if I could keep opening myself up to him.
Blake went ahead of me into the apartment, immediately taking the kids to their bedrooms with Kaity following closely behind. Walking into his apartment, I was momentarily surprised by its homey décor. It was nothing like the bachelor pad that I’d envisioned with stark white walls, and bare hardwood floors. It was quite the opposite, actually, with chocolaty-brown walls and sandy, plush carpeting that squished under my toes.
The furniture looked plush and inviting–like I could crawl onto the couch and take a nap, covering myself with the fuzzy throw which draped the back. On the walls hung colorful abstract art. It was almost as if his home revealed a woman’s touch.
Glancing over toward the mantel, I was struck with a gentle reminder that his home did have a woman’s touch–Alyssa’s touch. A row of family portraits lined the shelf–newborn pictures of Maddy and Ben as well as a bridal portrait of Alyssa. She was simply stunning, wearing a gorgeous cream chiffon gown, with a white lace overlay, fitted-bodice with flecks of gold threaded throughout. It was a Vera Wang; I remembered the dress vividly from many seasons earlier. It was exquisite on each of my brides who tried it on, and Alyssa was no exception. Her long, blond hair twisted to the side in a loose French braid, a few tendrils curling at the side, a simple strand of cream pearls resting on her collar. Her bouquet of red roses was simple yet elegant.
Setting the bridal portrait back on the mantel, I picked up another picture which sat next to it. This one of Blake, Alyssa, and Maddy running down the beach, the sun beginning to set in the distance. Maddy looked to be about a year old, barely able to walk without assistance as her two parents flung her up in the air between them–Alyssa with a very rounded, pregnant belly. They looked happy. They looked in love. They were a beautiful, growing family.
Blake’s apartment definitely wasn’t a typical bachelor pad. This apartment was decorated by a woman for her family–Blake and Alyssa’s family. I suddenly felt out of place–as though I were invading another woman’s domain. Just as I was about to set the picture back down, I felt Blake’s presence behind me.
“That was taken just a few weeks before . . .” he trailed off before finishing his thought.
“Do you want to talk about her?” I asked, realizing we’d never talked much about Alyssa or her death. Everything I knew coming from Brooke.
“No,” he said, his tone showing zero emotion.
“Blake, I’d really love to know more about her. Please tell me.” I nearly begged.
“Please put the picture down. I have dinner ready in the kitchen,” he said, turning his back toward me, ignoring my request completely.
“Why are you shutting me out now? Especially after I opened up about Steve earlier? Do you have any idea how hard that was for me?”
“I do, but I just don’t want to talk about her,” he said, an agonizing growl coming from deep inside his chest. “Please just drop it,” he asked again, slamming his fist against the kitchen counter. The expression worn on his face was pained, tormented even. Though I tried to understand his frustration, I wasn’t sure I could endure his sorrow when I couldn’t even heal my own scars.
Suddenly the walls felt like they were closing in on me. Blake was cold. He wasn’t the same man I’d been falling for just hours earlier as he built a snowman with the kids. He’d been replaced with a shell of a man whom I hardly recognized. Sure, he looked the same on the outside, but it’s as if everything on the inside had turned him into the same men whom I’d spent the last five years trying to avoid.
“I thought you were different,” I yelled, my eyes swimming with unshed tears. “I finally let you in just for you to close me off!”
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say other than I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I guess I’m just not as ready for all of this as I thought I was,” he confessed, conflict evident in his face as he once again twisted the ring on his finger as if it were burning his skin.
“Why don’t you just take it off?” I asked.
“Take what off?” he asked, confused by my comment.
“Your wedding ring. You’re constantly fidgeting with it like it’s hurting you. Maybe it’s time to take it off.”
“I was considering it until you brought it up. I won’t feel pressured into saying goodbye. I told her I’d never say goodbye,” he snarled, painfully.
“I wasn’t asking you to say goodbye, Blake,” I said, biting my lip trying to hold back the tears.
He didn’t respond, but just stood there expressionless. “You know what, it doesn’t really matter. I’m really not very hungry. I think I’ll just call for an Uber to take us back to the hotel,” I said, wiping a stray tear from my eye. “Goodbye, Blake.” The irony wasn’t lost on me that even though Blake couldn’t tell Alyssa goodbye that he’d let me say the word without so much as a fight.
Dragging Kaity out of Maddy’s room while they were in the middle of playing tea party wasn’t one of my proudest moments as a mother. I shouldn’t have taken my daughter to New York. I shouldn’t have introduced her to Blake or his children in the first place. Deep down, I knew it wouldn’t work. Maybe if we’d met in a different lifetime we could’ve survived, but not now. We both had too many demons weighing us down.
Now I was tasked with explaining to my daughter why she couldn’t see Blake or her friends anymore.
“Are we going back to Blake’s house tomorrow, Mommy?” Kaity asked, arriving back at the hotel.
“No, Baby. We’re leaving in the morning. Mommy has to work, but you’ll get to see Aunt Brookie and Uncle Rich. You’ll like that, right?”
“Yeah, but I’ll miss my new friends,” she pouted. “I know, Kaity, but you have friends back at home, too. You like our new neighbor, Natalie, right?”
“Yeah, she’s fun!” Kaity beamed, suddenly forgetting why she was upset in the first place. “She has a lot of fun games!” If only adults were as resilient as children–my heart wouldn’t feel like it was cracking into a million, tiny pieces right now.
After tucking Kaity in for the night, I held my phone for a moment, contemplating calling Brooke. She was the only person who understood me. She’d be able to talk me off this ledge I was teetering on.
I just knew she’d be devastated that I hadn’t told her about Blake or New York sooner. I mean, I was pretty sure she knew, but hearing the words come from my mouth would be different. I was supposed to be her best friend. We’d made a pact as kids to never keep secrets from each other. I just prayed that in this mess with Blake, I hadn’t ruined our friendship along the way.
Deciding to tell Brooke face to face about my relationship with Blake, I scrolled past her name and landed on his. Wanting to know if he was OK, I dialed his number, but quickly hung up before even allowing it to ring. I knew I’d hurt him when I left, pure anguish written on his face. But, by not opening up, he’d hurt me too–especially given the skeletons that I’d revealed earlier in the day.
Not even bothering to change into my pajamas, I fell asleep in the glow of the television. Waking up shortly before dawn, I reached for my phone, assuming I’d missed a call or text from Blake. Nothing. Exhaling deeply, I knew it was really over between us. I guess I wouldn’t have to worry about the logistics of a long-distance relationship after all.
As I was packing the last of our things, there came a knock at the door. Surprised that the driver I’d hired the night before hadn’t called first, I checked the peephole before answering. Shocked to see Blake standing in the hallway, I hesitated a few moments before opening the door.
“Blake,” I said, surprise evident in my voice. “I didn’t expect to see you here. I don’t have much time. We’re leaving soon. The driver should be here shortly to take us to the airport.” Looking over toward Kaity, I was relieved when I saw she was engrossed in her headphones and iPad, not even seeing that Blake was here with us.
“I know. I just need a few minutes. I couldn’t let you leave before I had a chance to see you again.”
“You could’ve just called,” I suggested, not letting on that his presence was having an effect on me.”
“I could’ve, but I wasn’t so sure you’d answer, and that wasn’t a chance I was willing to take,” he confessed, rubbing his forehead.
“Oh, I guess I have a few minutes then,” I said, letting him enter the room. Noticing for the first time that he was alone, I wondered about the kids. “Where are Maddy and Ben?”
“With my mom.”
“At this hour,” I asked, surprised that she’d have the kids before seven o’clock in the morning.
“I called and told her I had a work emergency so she came right over. I have a feeling she suspected otherwise, but I’ll deal with her later,” he confessed.
“OK,” I nodded in understanding. “Do you want to sit?” I asked, gesturing to the corner of the bed.
“Look, Cass, I’m sorry for getting so upset back at the house,” he said, taking a seat. “It’s just that the coffee shop you went into holds too many memories for me. It’s where I first met Alyssa.”
Stunned that he was telling me all of this now, I sat there for a moment in silence before answering. “Oh, I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you just tell me? I would’ve left right away had I known it was that difficult for you.”
“I thought being with you would change things,” he admitted. “I thought it would be bearable. When in reality, it actually felt worse–like I was cheating on her. Then I felt like I was cheating on you because I was thinking about her.”
“I just want to know a little about her. I don’t need to know all her personal details. I just want to know one thing about her, then maybe tomorrow two more things.”
He chuckled softly before responding, “OK, then, I know just the story to start with. On our first date, I took her to one of the most expensive restaurants in the city. I’d put money aside for weeks in order to pay for it. It had taken her so long to finally agree to go on a date with me that I wanted to make it special.
“When the waiter came to take our order, I was shocked when all she wanted was the mac and cheese off the kids’ menu. She could’ve ordered lobster tails, or filet mignon and instead chose a dish off the kids’ menu,” he laughed, shaking his head.
“Honestly, that sounds like something I would do,” I giggled. “Although, I would probably go for the grilled cheese.”
“I don’t know where things stand between us, but I’m not willing to let you go. Please stay for another day. We can explore the city, and have dinner tonight since I messed it up last night,” he asked.
“I would love to, but my tickets are for today. I have to go,” I said, suddenly wishing I could change my flight.
“You can change your flight. I bought the added travel insurance when I booked the tickets. We’ll just tell them that something came up with your work, and you need to stay another day.”
“Well, OK, then. I guess you have us for another day,” I agreed, curling my mouth into a half smile, and giving Blake a peck on the cheek. “Just promise to not shut me out if something gets hard.”
“Deal,” he sighed, pulling me in closer. I was at least confident to see where the day would take us.