Monday morning rolls around too quickly, and soon, I will have to say goodbye to Ems. I have soaked up as much of my wife as I can on this trip. She has only brought up Aspen one time, and it was on Friday evening. I didn’t push it because it is something we can discuss this morning at our counseling session; the in-house therapist wants to meet before I leave. When Grace called me last week to discuss this trip, she asked me to join Emma’s daily sessions to address the heavy stuff. I had assumed she was talking about Aspen. That is the one heavy thing we can’t seem to come to terms with.

As I drag my ass out of bed, I turn to see Emma still cuddled with the blankets all the way up to her chin. She’s done that from the first time we were ever together. We must have dated less than a couple of weeks before I slept with her, and that was a subject I wasn’t ready to mention yet with my new boss at the time, Emma’s father. I remember being so nervous about it, and Nick would not have been happy we had sex so early, but I loved Emma the second she opened her mouth and spouted out the hateful first words she ever spoke to me.

Thinking of Aspen has me excited to see her. I have never been gone longer than a couple of hours at night and then, of course, during the day when I’m at work. The second I’m off the clock, I go get Aspen. Sure, she has great care with the three women I trust with my daughter’s life, but she deserves to be around her parents as much as possible. Since I’m her only parent at this moment who can care for her, I make the sacrifices that need to be made. Sure, I don’t get to go to the gym anymore, but Aspen is so much more than my daughter. She’s my future and the person who deserves all my attention.

When I walk out of the bathroom after my shower and into the bedroom we are sharing, I see that Emma is out of bed. Grabbing my jeans and a shirt quickly, I go searching for her and see her out back on a small deck. She has a cup of coffee in her hand and a second one, which, I assume, is for me. When I lay a kiss on her forehead, she stands to give me the seat she was sitting on and then I pull her on top of me. It is chilly with the sun barely shining through, but it is not Washington State this time of year.

“What are you thinking, Ems?”

Taking in the deepest of breaths, she exhales, and I feel a drop of water fall on my finger. Looking around her, I see she has tears. Before I can say a word, she begins, “I wish I could come home with you, Ty. That is what I’m thinking. I want to come home with you.”

Turning her face slightly and taking her hot coffee, I set the cup on the table next to me. I consider her almost black eyes and know these are the same eyes as our daughter. “Ems, I wish that, too. I want you home with us so badly, I can taste it. Say the word when you are ready, which I know is not now, and I’ll bring you home.”

“You mean I’ll be ready when I acknowledge the baby?”

Oh, this is the heavy stuff Grace asked me to wait on, but I can’t ignore Emma’s question either. Eventually, we’ll have to discuss this. “Yes, sweetheart. I need you strong for Aspen. She needs you to be her mom.”

Standing up, she looks into the desert of New Mexico. “I’m not sure I can ever be that for her, Ty.” She kneels next to me. “I know everyone thinks I’m awful for abandoning her and what is worse, I’m judged ten times harsher than if it were you who left.”

She won’t get any arguments from me. I have had this discussion many times with people who want to badmouth my wife, and I won’t let that happen. There would be very little fuss if I abandoned my daughter and wife. Sure, I would be called a scumbag, but Emma is here getting help, on her own, and people think she’s awful.

She stands up again, turning from me. “Do you know how much I want this? How much I want what we always dreamed of? A cuckoo wife was never part of the deal when you said yes to me.”

Now I’m up and turning her around to look at her dark almost black eyes. It is one of the ways I’m able to look into her soul. “No, Emma, it was not. But it was so much more. I vowed to you ‘in sickness and in health, till death do us part,’ so I may not have said the words of a ‘cuckoo wife,’ which you are not, but I vowed to love you my whole life.”

I pull her close to me, and it almost seems as though our skin is molding together. Tipping her chin up, I say, “You’re not losing me. We will get past this, and you will be the mom to Aspen you always dreamed of.”

* * *

In the small but relaxing confines of Grace’s office, I sit on a long sofa with Emma as close to me as she can get. I don’t want her to fall apart when I leave, which is not the Emma I once knew, but I’ll take Emma in any way I can get her. Grace sits across from us, and it’s nice to put a face with the voice I have been talking to on the phone for the past month. It is incredibly soothing and may be one reason she does what she does. She’s not at all what I would expect. I was expecting an uptight and rigid doctor like all of Emma’s other doctors, but she’s not. She wears bell-bottoms as if they were taken off the set of Three’s Company or Gilligan’s Island and a muted brown thin sweater. She’s older than Emma and me and plainly pretty if that is indeed a category.

“Tyler, it’s nice to finally meet you. I know you don’t have long, and Emma is used to me just sort of digging into the hard stuff, so let’s go.” I only nod, and I feel Emma’s hand in mine tighten. “First, Emma, can you tell me what has you so uptight right now? You are normally much more relaxed. I see your husband’s fingers turning bright red.”

Looking over at her, I watch as she starts to cry. It is odd how in our years together in marriage, I have seen her cry less than three times, but since having Aspen, it is as if the water company has turned on the spigot and has yet to turn it off. Using my free arm, I try to calm her. “Ems, this is me. Just talk to me.”

Looking at Grace for help and then back at me, Emma says, “No, I want you to ask your questions, please.” Emma is Emma, and if she’s not ready to talk, I can’t make her.

Grace looks at me and continues, “So, Tyler, what is on your mind concerning Emma’s treatment? Surely, you have questions or concerns. Let’s start with one question. What was the hardest part of this visit for you since being with Emma this weekend?”

Scraping my hand through my hair, I look from my wife to the therapist, scared to open up. “Honestly?” I ask.

“Yes, honestly. This is a safe zone. I know you are worried about Emma, but if you two are going to get past this, you have to be honest with each other.”

Before I have a chance to answer, Emma interrupts. “It would be the baby. The fact I have asked about her once and didn’t want or ask to see pictures. He’s too nice to say that in fear it’ll hurt my feelings.”

Grace looks at me and back at Emma. Addressing me finally, she asks, “Is that true, Tyler?”

I was just about to say that when Emma interrupted, but she’s right, I don’t want to upset her further. Answering Grace, I start, “Yes, it would be Aspen. I have these two amazing girls in my life, and I can’t share one with the other. I feel like I’m being asked to choose sometimes. I mean, I know Emma is working hard, and I don’t want to downplay that, but I just want my girls together in the same house again.”

As I turn to check on my wife, she has turned her head away from me. I can’t see what she’s feeling on her face, and with Emma, I can always tell.

“Okay, that is a good start. But, Emma, I wanted to use this time to share some of what we are working on with Tyler. Is it okay if I share this with him?” Her voice is soothing again, and I feel Emma relax into her words. Emma nods her head in agreement, still looking away from me.

“After talking to her daily about what happened, I’m treating her for post-traumatic stress disorder. It is possible she would have experienced postpartum with the baby, but more so, the trauma of Aspen’s birth has led to this. Revisiting the images of the trauma, feeling inadequate to be near Aspen, relationship difficulties, staying away from you intimately early on—though I hear that is not a problem anymore,” Grace adds, and for the first time, we both chuckle.

“Moving on,” Grace says with a wink. “It has been hard to bond with Aspen, and Emma has isolated herself. I mean, it is all textbook, and some would disagree with my assessment. Obviously, I have medical doctors who say I’m wrong. But we need to treat the trauma, and then we will build a more confident Emma. She needs to have more assurance in herself that she can be a mom to that baby who exists purely because two people loved one another.” My shoulders soften with Grace’s confidence, and my hands reach for Emma, but I can’t find her. She’s moved away from me, and the rigidness returns to my body.

Turning to Emma, I see she’s not searching out my face. As much as I can read Emma, she can read me just as well. Cupping her face, I kiss her on the forehead and say directly to her, “I have never been filled with such hope in my life. You are coming home to us, Ems. It might take a while, but this is the most hope I have had since the birth of our baby. You get well, and we will be waiting for you at our home.”

Looking at her watch, Grace stands. “It looks like you probably need to hit the road, Dr. Hunter, if you are going to make your flight. I’ll give you a couple of minutes to say goodbye.” She shakes my hand as I thank her for all she’s doing for my girl, shutting the door behind her.

Taking Emma into a long and deep embrace, I place another kiss on her forehead. “Ems, I’m so proud of you. I hope you know that.”

Looking up at me, she allows a couple of tears to stream down her face. “I want to love her. You know that, right?”

“I do, Emma, I do. I’m sorry for all the times I yelled at you because I thought you chose this. I know now I was wrong.”

“No, you have nothing to feel bad about. Anyone else would have left me a long time ago.”

“I’m just not anyone, Ems.” I tilt her chin toward mine. “And you are just not anyone. We are Tyler and Emma. We are fucking awesome together. Don’t you forget that?”

“Yep, you are right. We are fucking awesome together.” I kiss her one last time. Walking toward the door, I remind her, “We will be waiting for you at home, Emma. You come back to us when you are ready, okay?” She only nods, and I walk out of Grace’s office, barely able to keep it together until I get to the car. Then I lose it.