Chapter 12

 

Drink orders were taken, and soon after, dinner service began with small Caesar salads, followed by bowls of mushroom soup, then the main course, which consisted of stuffed chicken breasts, au gratin potatoes, and green beans.

The food was very good. Keith could see why the place was popular. Plus, it was served in generous amounts, which made Keith happy, for he was hungry. The company was working on a new apartment project, and Keith’s dad wanted to finish while they still had good weather, so Keith and his brothers had been putting in long hours. It seemed like a long time since he’d had lunch.

Everyone at their table ate enthusiastically, even the women. Keith liked that. He hated when women picked at their food. He was glad Susan wasn’t like that. She had a healthy appetite and still managed to keep slim.

He knew she worked out. A couple of times she’d mentioned riding her stationary bike or walking on the treadmill. He liked that about her, too, that she took care of herself.

In addition to the good meal, conversation was lively throughout dinner. Shaver and his wife and Rhonda and her husband were all talkers who kept the ball going without any awkward gaps. By the time dessert—an excellent chocolate mousse—was served, Keith was thoroughly enjoying himself. These were nice people, he decided, people he would enjoy getting to know better. He was glad for Susan, since she was the one who had to work with them every day.

Once the dessert plates were cleared, the band, a quartet of musicians on keyboard, guitar, drums and bass, began to play. Midway through the first number, a bouncy swing tune, Keith realized they were pretty good and said so.

“Yes,” Shaver agreed, “they’re making a name for themselves in Austin music circles. We were lucky to get them.” He smiled at Jamie. “And the credit for that goes to Jamie.”

“The drummer’s my brother,” she explained with a proud smile.

“Well, they’re great,” Keith said, tapping his foot.

After two more fast numbers, the band segued into a slow tune, something softly romantic, and Keith asked Susan if she’d like to dance.

She smiled. “I’d love to.”

They moved out onto the dance floor, and he drew her into his arms. Keith liked to dance, and he was pretty good, the result of a lot of effort on the part of his mother, who believed all boys needed to know how to dance. Susan was a natural, he decided. She followed him with ease, and they glided around the dance floor seamlessly, the way couples do who have danced together for years.

“You’re a good dancer,” she said.

“Thanks. That was one of the things my mother insisted we learn to do.”

Showing off a little, he twirled her around. Her eyes sparkled with pleasure and something else, something Keith was feeling, too. He tightened his hold, bringing her closer. Holding her like this, Keith found it harder and harder to breathe. Whoever had invented dancing was a sadist, he decided, because the sensations pummeling him were sheer torture. All he could think about was how much he wanted Susan. And from the way she was responding to him, he was sure she felt the same way.

Maybe tonight...

He was afraid to finish the thought, afraid he’d jinx himself. But he couldn’t help hoping, because it was getting harder and harder to be patient.

* * *

Susan knew the way she felt was dangerous, but she couldn’t seem to control her reactions tonight. Her defenses were becoming weaker with every passing moment. But for some reason, right now she simply didn’t care. She nestled her head under Keith’s chin, closed her eyes, and gave herself up to the sensations.

If only they could stay this way forever, she thought dreamily. Safe in the cocoon of the dance floor, where it was acceptable to hold each other. If only they never had to emerge into the real world where harsh realities would always keep them apart.

Don’t think about reality. Just enjoy the moment.

But the moment couldn’t last. Moments never did. They ended, and new moments took their place. So it was with this moment. The set ended, and the band once more struck up a fast song, which Susan didn’t feel comfortable with, so they headed back to their table.

For the rest of the evening Susan was acutely aware of Keith beside her. Even when they were both talking to someone else, she felt his nearness.

Dancing with him was excruciating: half pleasure, half pain. Toward the end of the evening, as they were once more dancing to a slow, romantic song, she knew with certainty that she’d been right. It had been a big mistake to invite him tonight. Being held in his arms like this, feeling what she was feeling, was only going to make the future harder for her, because with every passing second, she realized more and more what she was missing. What she would always be missing.

The sensible part of her wanted the evening over, so she could go home and end this agony. But the other part of her, the foolish, romantic, cries-at-sad-movies, happily-ever-after-in-spite-of-all-odds part of her, wanted it to go on forever.

“Let’s go outside,” Keith murmured as the number ended.

Say no. It’s just asking for trouble to go out there with him. “All right.”

Together, they walked out the terrace doors and down the steps onto the garden path. The evening air was cool, raising goose bumps on Susan’s arms.

“You’re cold,” Keith said.

“A little.”

“Here.” He took off his jacket.

“But now you’ll be cold,” she protested. "I should have brought my own jacket."

“Not me. I’m fine.” He draped his jacket over her shoulders, and somehow his arm just seemed to settle there naturally when he was finished.

Susan’s heart beat faster. Oh, she was definitely in trouble. And yet it was so wonderful to walk in this beautiful place, close together, just the two of them, away from everyone else. It was really a perfect ending to a perfect evening. As they walked farther along the winding path, the sound of the band faded into the background, and she became more aware of the night noises surrounding them: a mockingbird singing in a tree, crickets chirping nearby, cicadas buzzing. The moon was a silvery arc high above. All so lovely...so romantic...

When they reached the farthest point in the garden, they were on the other side of the inn and could no longer see their fellow party-goers or be seen by them. Keith’s arm tightened around her.

“Susan,” he said softly, turning her to face him.

Heart drumming, she looked up. His eyes gleamed in the moonlight. She swallowed. He was going to kiss her. She could see the intention in his eyes. And even though she knew it was utter and complete madness, she also knew she was going to let him.

His head dipped.

She closed her eyes.

Their lips met and clung. Her senses reeled as the kiss deepened, and he pulled her closer still. All conscious thought stopped. There was only Keith and the reawakened desire to be his. The primitive need to take and be taken.

And yet, even as his hands skimmed over her body, even as she strained to meet them, even as her heart was saying yes, her head knew they had to stop before things went too far.

From somewhere she found the strength to push away, to say, in a voice that didn’t sound like hers, “We’d better go back inside.”

She thought he would protest and she tried to think what she would say. But he didn’t, and she was very grateful, for her defenses were too fragile to have withstood any kind of argument. Yet there was a small part of her that wondered why he’d given in so easily. Didn’t he want to make love to her?

He didn’t try to talk to her as they walked back to the party, and Susan used the few minutes to attempt to get herself under control.

When they reached the terrace doors, she shrugged out of his jacket and handed it to him. ‘‘Do you mind if we leave now?” She tried, but couldn’t meet his eyes.

“That’s fine with me.”

Susan’s emotions were chaotic all the while they were driving home. Why had she gone outside with him tonight? Kissed him like that? What must he think of her? What must he think, period? He probably thought she was a tease, kissing him like that, then suddenly stopping. Her face felt hot. She snuck glances at him out of the corner of her eye. His face revealed nothing, but he must be thinking about what had happened.

You’re a fool.

She bit her lip. Closed her eyes. Thought about that kiss. Thought about how much she wanted him. He wanted her, too. She knew he did.

Scott’s away.

The thought had been at the back of her mind all night. And it would be so easy, when they got to the house, just to take Keith’s hand and lead him inside and up the stairs to her bedroom.

She shivered. The force of her desire nearly overwhelmed her. Yet to yield to it would be absolute madness. Their situation was complicated enough, and making love with Keith again would only complicate it further, because nothing could ever come of it.

You always knew you were playing with fire.

She felt like crying.

No matter how much she wanted to, she couldn’t allow it to happen. She’d made one mistake already tonight. She couldn’t make another one.

* * *

Keith pulled the car into Susan’s driveway and cut the ignition. On the silent drive home, he had made up his mind. It was obvious Susan was upset. He wasn’t sure why, because it was also obvious she’d wanted to kiss him. So her reaction had to have something to do with their past. Did she think he would run out on her again? Was that it? Or was she feeling disloyal to Paul?

He realized they needed to talk, really talk, not just brush over what had happened ten years ago the way they had that night at the pizza place. And tonight, with Scott away, was the perfect opportunity.

Wordlessly, they walked to the front door. When they reached it, she opened her purse and took out her key. ‘‘Thank you for taking me tonight, Keith. It was a lovely evening.”

So she wasn’t going to ask him in. Well, he wasn’t going to let her run away. “Are we going to pretend what happened between us tonight didn’t happen?” he said softly.

For a long moment she said nothing. Then she sighed and looked up. “It might be best if we did.”

“Mind telling me why you feel that way?”

“Because it shouldn’t have happened.”

“Why not? You wanted me to kiss you just as much as I did, didn’t you?”

“Yes, I-I admit I did, but...” She paused. “Look, Keith, despite what happened between us all those years ago, I am not the kind of woman who can have a casual sexual relationship.”

“I never thought you were. That’s not what I want, either. Look, Susan...I hadn’t planned to say this tonight, because I didn’t want to rush you. But I can’t have you thinking that all I want from you is sex.” He took a deep breath. “I love you. I’ve always loved you. I want to marry you.”

She stared at him. She looked stricken.

Damn, he was such an idiot! He shouldn’t have just blurted that out. Laying his hands on her shoulders, he spoke urgently. “I know you probably don’t trust me yet, and I don’t blame you. After running out on you the way I did... I’ve always been sorry about that. It’s a poor excuse, but back then, I was young and immature and scared, and I thought going away was the only thing I could do. I know now that running off like that was cowardly. I should have stayed, been honest with Paul and taken my chances. Who knows? Maybe you still would have chosen Paul instead of me, but at least I would have tried.”

She bowed her head, not saying anything for a long moment. Finally she looked up. “Thank you for telling me that, Keith. I appreciate it, but it doesn’t change things. I-I’m sorry, but I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

“You can’t mean that.”

“I’m afraid I do.”

“But why?”

“Because it’s hopeless. It can never work out between us.”

“Of course it can.”

“No. No, it can’t.”

“I don’t understand why not. Are you still angry with me about the past?”

“No, that’s not it at all.”

“Well, what then?”

“It won’t work because I…don’t love you.”

He stared at her. She didn’t mean that. She couldn’t.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lead you on.”

“I don’t believe you. I know you, Susan. You can’t have been pretending all this time.”

“If you choose not to believe me, that’s your prerogative. The kiss tonight was just the result of the...romantic atmosphere and too much champagne and...and no sex for a long time. I-I’ve always been sexually attracted to you—after all, look what happened to us all those years ago—but sex isn’t love. I know the difference. And it’s certainly no basis for marriage.”

Her words were like knives, cutting deeply. “I can’t believe you’re saying this. I can’t believe you mean it.”

“I’m sorry. I do mean it.”

Suddenly he was furious. What the hell kind of game had she been playing with him? “What’s really going on here? Am I not good enough for you? Are you afraid you’ll lose out on the Sheridan money if you marry me? Is that it? Or is it because I work in construction and don’t have a college degree?”

She stared at him. For a moment, he thought she was going to say something in her defense. When she didn’t, he finally realized what a stupid, stupid fool he’d been, because her silence spoke volumes.

“Never mind,” he said coldly. “I have my answer.”

Giving her one last contemptuous look, he spun on his heel and walked away.

He didn’t look back.

* * *

Susan managed to hold herself together until she reached her bedroom. Then, sick at heart, she threw herself across her bed, beautiful dress and all, and let the tears come.

Why, why? she asked herself over and over again. Why must life be so unfair? She thought about how Keith had said he realized he shouldn’t have run away ten years ago. How he wished he’d stayed, been honest with Paul, and taken his chances. Oh, if only he had! If only he had. Things would have turned out so differently.

But he hadn’t. And now it was too late for them. The clock could never be turned back. They could never be together.

She had been playing with fire in the past months, and tonight, she’d come dangerously close to leaping into the middle of the flames—into a place where there would be no rescue. So even though it had been agony pretending she didn’t care for Keith, she had done what she had to do, and now Keith hated her.

She couldn’t even have him as a friend.

How was she going to bear it?

* * *

The first thing Keith did when he walked into his town house was open the cupboard where he kept his supply of liquor. He poured himself a tumbler of J&B, then proceeded to drink himself into a stupor.

He still couldn’t believe what had happened. How could he have been so wrong about Susan? Man, whoever it was that had said you can’t go home again sure knew what he was talking about. He sure as hell should never have come back. That had been mistake number one.

Mistake number two had been apologizing to Susan, but what really galled him was the way he’d bared his soul to her, told her he loved her and asked her to marry him, and how she’d thrown the offer back in his face.

Sex isn’t love, I know the difference, and it certainly is no basis for marriage.

Damn her! Damn all women. You couldn’t trust any of them. They gave you these soft looks and they made you think they cared about you and then—wham!—they really stuck it to you.

Downing his drink, he poured another. He’d thought Susan was different. He’d have bet money that she was completely honest and straight.

He smiled cynically. Just went to show that even a normally savvy guy like him could be taken for a ride. Well, he’d learned his lesson. From now on, he was swearing off all women.

His thoughts tumbled on in this vein for the better part of two hours before the scotch finally put him to sleep. His last conscious thought was that there was no longer any reason for him to stay in Rainbow’s End.

* * *

Susan woke up with a raging headache and swollen eyes. She took one look at herself in the mirror and decided she would skip church services. That’s all she’d need, for someone to tell her mother-in-law that she was seen looking like this.

I’ll stay home and clean the oven and refrigerator instead.

These were both jobs she hated and had been putting off for weeks. But today they seemed a fitting penance for her poor judgment and even worse behavior. In other words, exactly what she deserved. She was in the middle of the oven cleaning when there was a knock at the back door. Looking up, Susan saw Zoe standing outside.

“Hey,” Zoe said, “don’t you have anything better to do on a beautiful day like this?” She frowned at the oven cleaner and the rubber gloves Susan had just finished removing.

Susan shrugged. “It has to be done sometime.”

“But why today? I’d’ve thought you’d be off somewhere enjoying life with the hot carpenter.”

To give herself time to think of a snappy response, Susan put the gloves down on the oven door. “The hot carpenter, as you call him, probably won’t be around much now that Scott is gone.”

“Oh, c’mon, Susan. Don’t tell me you’re going to keep up this pretense that the only reason Keith Callahan is hanging around here is your son. Granted, Scott’s a cutie, but I have eyes in my head, you know, and Keith Callahan has eyes for you!”

As much as Susan liked Zoe, right now she just wished her friend would go home.

“Call me crazy,” Zoe continued with a teasing smile, “but I kind of thought a sexy, romantic weekend might be on the agenda.”

“Zoe …”

“What? Did Keith stand you up last night? Did something happen at the dinner dance?”

“No. Neither one.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong.”

Zoe studied her. “There’s nothing wrong, he took you out last night…alone, you were wearing a sexy new dress, Scott is away for a week, yet today you’re cleaning your oven?”

Why had she been stupid enough yesterday to call Zoe and tell her about the dress? “What’s wrong with that?”

“Girl, if you can’t see there’s something horribly wrong with that, then there’s something wrong with you." Zoe plopped down onto a kitchen chair. “I’m not budging off this chair until I get the whole story from you. Paraphrasing Shakespeare, there’s something rotten in Denmark, and I want to know exactly what it is.”

“I …” Susan sighed. “It’s…complicated.”

“How is it complicated? Does he have a secret wife or something? Is he gay? What?”

Susan sighed again. She stared at Zoe. She wanted more than anything to tell Zoe the whole story. It would be such a relief to talk about the problem. To see what someone else thought about it. And Zoe was the perfect person because she was sensible, smart, sophisticated, and she could be trusted. Best of all, she had no personal stake so she could be objective. “Listen, do you want something to drink? Some iced tea? Or coffee?&rdrdquo;

“How about a Diet Coke?”

A few minutes later, with a Diet Coke in front of Zoe and a glass of iced tea for herself, Susan began to unburden her heart. Zoe listened quietly. She didn’t even look surprised when Susan told her about the pregnancy, and how she came to marry Paul. She just nodded in commiseration occasionally, and when Susan finally finished her story, Zoe reached across the table and took Susan’s hand.

“I understand what you’re feeling because my own situation is similar, but in my case Emma’s father is not someone I want involved in her life, so I would do anything I possibly could to keep her from ever finding out who he is. That’s not the case with you, though. You really like Keith, he seems like a great guy, and he obviously is crazy about both you and Scott. I think he’d be thrilled to find out he’s Scott’s father.”

“So you think I should tell him?”

“I can’t tell you what to do. That has to be your decision. But it’s apparent to me that you care about Keith.”

Susan swallowed. “I do. I-I’m in love with him. I always have been.”

“Well, then … ”

“But Zoe, it’s truly impossible. I can’t hurt Laverne that way.”

Zoe nodded slowly. “That is a problem. But Susan, think what you’re doing instead. You’re depriving yourself of a life with the man you love, you’re depriving Scott of his father, and you’re depriving Keith of his son. Is that fair?”

Susan knew every word Zoe said was true, but she still couldn’t see how she could reveal the truth to Laverne. It would break her mother-in-law’s heart. And she’d already lost so much when she lost Paul.

“I suppose you’re thinking some of the same arguments apply to me,” Zoe said with a grimace.

Glad to have the focus off her for a moment, Susan shook her head. “No, I wasn’t. I am curious, though. Why are you so against Emma finding out who her father is? Is he a criminal or something?”

Zoe shook her head. “Nothing like that. But the thing is, he’s famous.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really.”

“Would I know him?”

“I’m sure you would unless you’ve lived under a rock for the past sixteen years.”

“Seriously? Then why would it be so bad for Emma to know who he is?”

Zoe’s face hardened. “Because Emma wouldn’t even exist if it had been up to him. If he’d known I was pregnant, he’d have insisted I have an abortion.”

“You don’t know that for sure, though, do you? I mean, if you didn’t tell him you were pregnant to begin with—”

“I absolutely know it,” Zoe said, interrupting. “Look, he’s a famous musician. The front man for his band. I…when I was nineteen and the band was just starting out, I was their singer. The girlfriend of one of the other band members got pregnant a few months before I did, and Emma’s father had a lot to say about it, none of it good. He left no room for doubt about how he would react if the same thing happened to me.”

“You sang with a band when you were nineteen?” Susan didn’t know why that fact astonished her. After all, she knew Zoe was an accomplished musician. She played the piano beautifully and had been Emma’s first piano teacher. She also sang in a choral group, but Susan had never dreamed Zoe had sung professionally. “So Emma gets her musical ability from both her parents…”

Zoe shrugged. “Yeah, she does. Although she thinks it all comes from me.”

Emma was a talented pianist and composer in her own right. Last year when Susan came over to Zoe’s, Emma had played and sung one of the songs she’d written, and Susan was kind of blown away. “Maybe her father’s changed,” Susan said. “Maybe he’d want to know about her now.”

“I doubt it. I know what his life is like. It’s not the life I want for Emma. She’s a good kid. I’ve worked hard to bring her up right. I’m afraid if she knew about her father, had any relationship with him at all, she’d be swept into that world and it would change her life. And not for the better.” When Susan didn’t answer immediately, Zoe went on. “Look, I know what goes on with bands at that level. The adulation. The groupies. The sex and drugs. It’s tough to resist. All that money and attention, it changes things. I don’t want that kind of life for Emma. But Susan, your situation is entirely different. Keith is a great guy, with a wonderful family, and he loves you. And you love him. You just said so.”

Susan thought about pointing out that the same arguments about depriving Scott of his father and Keith of his son could be said about Zoe’s situation, but she thought better of it. Zoe hadn’t asked for her advice, but Susan had asked for hers.

They talked a bit longer, then Zoe said she’d better get home. “Tomorrow’s a long day at the store, and I have things to do.”

“Yeah, and I have that oven to finish,” Susan said.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t more help,” Zoe said as they hugged goodbye.

“I didn’t expect you to give me any magic answers. I’m just grateful to have you to talk to. And … I’m honored that you confided in me, as well.”

Once Zoe was gone, Susan went back to her oven cleaning. Unfortunately for her, her headache was back. It now seemed clear that talking about her problem had only reinforced what she already knew.

For her, there could be no happy ending.