CHAPTER FIFTEEN
“MY FRIEND SAID we could use all his backcountry skiing stuff,” Vic told her as he unlocked the front door to the borrowed condo. “There are trails for hiking just beyond.” He pointed. He loved a good backcountry hike, especially in the snow.
She didn’t respond, but he figured it was that their hands were full as they unloaded their things.
So he brought it up again several minutes later once they’d finished up.
Not quite looking him in the eyes—a huge red flag when it came to her—she said, “I love a good backcountry hike but only when there’s no snow. And I don’t cross-country ski anymore. But I’m perfectly capable of hitting the slopes while you go out. I won’t be offended or anything.”
It was her tone that had him paying close attention. He took her hand and pulled her close, down into his lap on the big overstuffed couch.
“Tell me,” he urged gently.
Rachel paused for a time and then finally spoke. “That’s how I got... Where I was when Price held me. I can downhill ski. I can snowboard. But I can’t seem to find the pleasure in being deep in a forest when there’s so much snow. It slows you down. You can be tracked by someone else. It makes you slow.” She shivered and he fought the urge to bundle her up and take her away from there and anything that made her feel that way.
“Will you tell me these things up front from now on?” He hated the idea that she might have felt pressured to do something that took her back to that terrible time.
She winced. “I’m sorry.”
Seeing her flinch pissed him off. Not at her, but at the situation. He wanted her to know without even asking that he wasn’t mad at her. Nor did he see those things she did to keep her peace of mind as silly or outrageous in any way.
It was the opposite. Seeing how she’d rebuilt herself in the wake of such a terrible tragedy only made him respect her more.
He took a breath and cupped her cheek. “I’m going to do my best not to ever hurt you. I know these are words and eventually I’ll show you in deeds. I like going places and doing things with you so if I know some of the big things I’ll feel more comfortable. I don’t want to plan a trip and have it be really uncomfortable for either of us. And. I want to remind you that I don’t want your apologies for this sort of stuff. There’s nothing to be sorry about.”
She nodded. “It took me a year or so after getting out of the hospital before I could get out in nature any more than a big park. Slowly I was able to hike short trails at popular times of the day so there’d be other people around. I don’t hike alone anymore and I hate that. I’ve tried to do it, you know, make myself so I can just get over it.”
“How’d that work out for you?” He made sure she heard the sarcasm in his voice.
She blushed. “Sometimes it does work. With some stuff.”
“That’s a lot of words for nothing specific.”
“This is what I get for not dating only dumb guys,” she mumbled, startling him into a laugh.
“You don’t have to tell me. It just sounded like you had a story there.” And he wanted it. Craved these confidences because he knew they were built on a foundation of trust. Intimacy of the deepest sort.
She took a deep breath and said, “I considered living in a high-rise, high-security building with a doorman and all that stuff when we moved out here. Maybe was okay with that as a choice but asked if we could look at houses as well. She likes to work in the yard, you know? We looked at both houses and condos. All nice. And then we looked at our house now. And I had this sense, standing on the front porch, that I had this choice to make about how I’d go about my day-to-day life. I knew Maybe would be happier in a house. I knew we’d be better roommates with more space to share. I also knew that if I chose the apartment, I’d be accepting a level of security that would hinder the future I wanted.”
She was quiet awhile and he let her be.
“So we chose the house. I had to talk myself down from bars on the windows. But I have a state-of-the-art security system. It took me about six months before I felt truly relaxed here. I still have trouble sleeping, especially if anything sets off the motion lights in the side and backyard. So what I originally meant was sometimes I push past the fear and make a choice—one that might even freak me out—and it’s the right choice.”
He kissed her.
“And sometimes, like with backcountry skiing, I just can’t do it. It’s too much. It takes me back in such a way that I can’t do anything. I can’t think clearly.”
“You have limits and you respect them. There’s not a damned thing wrong with that. I want to respect them too. So just mention something up front if you know, or if you don’t and it just comes up. There are things I can’t do since Danil died either.”
“I hate being weak.”
He snorted. “Only a strong person ever says that.”
It was her turn to snort.
“Let’s hit the slopes,” she suggested. “We’re here and it’s still daylight. I haven’t skied here yet.”
He heaved them both to their feet, still holding her tight so he could kiss her in earnest. Slow and careful because he loved every part of her.
She put her forehead to his chest, tucking just under his chin for long moments afterward.
“First mulled wine is on me,” Rachel told him softly.
“Deal.”
She tensed slightly and then relaxed before speaking again. “Before we go I need to do a walk of the outside of the condo. Just to get a basic feel for it.”
He should have thought of that up front. Given the security of her house and the story she’d just told him about choosing the house instead of the high-rise condo, of course she’d want to be sure this place was safe.
“Sure.” He fought to remain nonchalant. He knew that’s what she needed so he shoved his own desire to protect and cosset and gave her space. “Need my help?”
“No. Oh, and since I’m being honest and all. I was wondering. At your house there are a few little things. A window lock, a back door, some other stuff.”
“Things I can fix to make my house safer? Induce you to come over more often?” he asked, keeping his tone light.
“Yes.”
“Show me what, or give me a good description and it’s done. Not a hard thing to handle. Especially if it means you’re there more often. I like it when I don’t always have to share you with other people.”
“Okay,” she said, scrambling from his lap to grab one of the bags she’d brought along before heading outside.
He changed into ski clothes but would wait to choose which boots until she said which she wanted to do. Vic’s father and his uncle would often take them out on hikes when they were growing up. He’d always loved being outside. That she loved it as much as he did was pretty awesome.
He looked forward to having many more days with her on the slopes.
* * *
RACHEL PUT UP her external alarms and then braced a window with the wooden dowel she found in a nearby closet. Each step she took gave her control, settled her sense of order and safety. She’d sleep well that night next to Vic.
When she returned to the living room after changing it was to find him standing at the big windows looking out over the snow covered trees like a spread in Hot Russian Dude Monthly magazine.
“I’m pretty sure you’re why lumbersexual is an actual thing.”
Delight stole over his face and she resolved to compliment him more.
“Is that so, tigryonak?”
She nodded, indicating the width of his shoulders, only accentuated by the sleek and form-fitting shirt he wore beneath a for-real red plaid flannel shirt. “The clothes. Your beard is particularly strokable just now.” Rachel allowed herself the sensory delight of a few pets. “A super hot Paul Bunyan. Yeah.”
He took her hands and kissed each one. “I’m on board with whatever works for you. Are we skiing or snowboarding today?”
“I haven’t been here before, so I’m all up for suggestions from you,” she told him. “I’d say my skill level is intermediate at both. I love both so if we do one today let’s do the other tomorrow.”
* * *
“INTERMEDIATE MY ASS,” he told her as they snuggled up on the couch several hours later. A fire crackled beyond the hearth and the stars wheeled overhead, brilliant against the deep evening darkness.
Her muscles hurt from hard physical activity but it was a good kind of ache. The kind the whiskey in her hand and the man at her side would make better.
“You totally overstate my skill. It’s why I find you so adorable,” she said. “And yet, compared to you I’m barely adequate.”
He’d been a badass on a snowboard. That surprising grace of his meant he powered over the snow, ate up the slopes, glee on his handsome face as they fed off one another’s energy.
In him she had someone who enjoyed being out there as much as she did. They had a competitive vibe, one that had them each zooming ahead of the other, only to watch as the other shot into first place.
It was unexpectedly hot that they could share a love of the outdoors. She bet he looked super sexy in the summertime, all slick with water as he walked out of the surf.
Yum.
“You’re really quite good, so stop that,” he said, pressing a kiss to her temple. “It’s probably out for this season, but we should do Whistler next winter.”
“I’ve been wanting to go, so I’m in. Cora’s family has a house there and she’s always talking about how we should use it. Naturally that means there’s a chance she’d be there and if she’s there, chances are Maybe will want to be included.”
Vic’s laugh rumbled through his chest, the wave of it vibrating through her bones. “And naturally where there is Maybe, there will be Alexsei. I think Gregori has a mansion of some type up there. They both ski.”
“It’s a handy thing that we share pretty much the same group of friends because they seem to follow us everywhere.”
“Maybe is your protector. I am your protector. Where you go, we go,” Vic said with such confident ease she believed it.
The why of it she didn’t understand. So she found herself asking him.
“Why am I your protector?” he attempted to clarify.
“Why do you see it that way,” Rachel attempted to box it in a safer way.
He just looked at her, his expression blank but for one slightly arched brow. Her silent treatment game was excellent. But his was world class.
Finally she exhaled and said, “Fine. Fine. You know what I’m asking.”
“I do. But I want you to say it. I want you to ask it yourself. It matters to me that you say it, Rachel,” he added.
“The question isn’t why you, Vic. The question is why me?”
Confusion washed over his face.
She moved so she could face him, tucking up onto the easy chair opposite. Then she pointed at him. “Look at you. I mean, take a good long look. Go on. You should because have you looked at yourself lately? You’re like art. How on Earth did you get so fucking gorgeous? You’re funny and sensitive and you’re smart. Oh, and super fit and your body is like, well it’s ridiculous and I should hate you because come on. But as you quite often put all those things to my service, I give you my blessing to keep on being a superior physical and mental specimen.” She rolled her wrist, urging him forward.
His smile told her he was not unaware of his appeal. “Thank you. But if I’m so wonderful, how can you be confused?”
Rachel wasn’t sure if he knew what she meant or not, but she was going to have to suck it up, be brave and be specific.
“Dude. Your family. Look at you all. You and Evie are first-generation American success stories. You have a business. You pull together when things get rough. Even the worst sort of rough imaginable. And you’re spending your time with a chick who is so messed up she has to put her own alarms on the outside of a condo in a gated community with a fairly decent security presence. Your father left so much behind when he fled Russia with your mother at his side. They came halfway across the world to build a life from nothing and they did! I just look at you and them and wonder what the hell you’re doing with a fuckup like me.”
He sucked in a breath but instead of getting in her physical space, he remained where he was. And yet, the enormity of him began to seep her way.
“I’ve told you what happened to my brother. It didn’t just show up one day out of the blue. His troubles were long-term. Fraught. Full of recriminations. Fights. Saying of things that couldn’t be unsaid. My parents—maybe even to this day—wanted to downplay just how bad things had gotten. Who my brother really was. And maybe I’m a selfish fucking asshole, but between you and me, Rachel, by the time he turned sixteen or so Danil was a piece of shit. They see how he was at six or seven, but they don’t remember how he was even at that early age. How selfish and petty he was.”
Vic was lost in something that had happened long ago but had left a very deep mark.
Rachel wanted to fix the rift she’d stirred to life between them. What a dick she’d been to say what she had the way she had. Of course he knew what it meant to deal with tragedy.
“The last year of his life wasn’t that bad. Not for me,” he told her. “I was beginning the process to work for the county sheriff’s office. To continue search and rescue and focus on more rural areas of King County. I knew he wasn’t clean, Rachel. I knew it. I told my parents. More than once and they didn’t want to believe it and I just got tired. So. Tired. And it was just... I pushed him away because I knew he was going to do something else terrible and then he assaulted his girlfriend. Nearly killed her because he found out she’d bought drugs without him. He was a criminal and he spoiled every fucking holiday. We all waited around for him to show up and if he did at all he was late and he still complained and my mom just wanted him to be glad. To see how much they loved him and I just wanted to be away from it. Nothing I said mattered to my parents because they saw my brother in a way I’d stopped trying to see.”
“I’m an asshole. I’m sorry,” she told him.
He snorted. “You’re not an asshole. Your question though, the original one about why you? It’s laden with a bunch of bullshit assumptions.”
“I know. It’s beyond entitled of me to imagine I’m the only one struggling with darkness and pain. Especially when you’d already shared the story of your brother,” she said.
“Oh fuck that. I don’t want it. Don’t need it. However.” His dark brows winged down as he frowned at her. “Do you not... Surely you can’t miss the fact that you’re exceptionally successful at pretty much everything. You’re beautiful, a talented tattoo artist, intuitive about people—even if you are being surprisingly stubborn about not seeing all your positive traits. You asked why you? Because there’s nothing and no one else for me but you.”
He wanted to tell her that he loved her. Wanted to let the words free. But he knew it wasn’t time. Knew she’d fight it and run the other way. So, he had to keep being smart. Patient. Easy. Stay cool and calm. Charm and woo. When it was too late for her to do anything else but know she loved him too. Then he’d tell her.
“Oh,” she said. She blushed slightly.
“Yes, oh. I told you those things about Danil to illustrate my point. Not your silly attempt at a point.” He frowned and it made her snicker. “We are both fucked up and broken. We both carry baggage. Where you are worn thin, let me be strong. This is what it means to be with someone and fit, isn’t it?”
She stretched a hand out to take his. “I don’t want to weigh you down. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“I hear the words you use. I acknowledge you have arranged them into sentences you think make sense. And they do not. Because you’re coming at this like you’re some blight-faced old hag covered in boils.”
She snorted and then started to laugh, which went on until she got the hiccups.
“Okay fine. I’m amazing,” she gasped at last. “Of course you want to be around me all the time,” she said as she launched herself into his lap.
“I’m glad we could finally come to an understanding,” he told her as he snuggled her close. “This won’t always be easy and full of delicious sexy chemistry. But I’m patient and steadfast, my mother says so. I will help you through the hard times and you will do the same for me.”
She just hugged him tight without a word. Agreeing.