I pour some water over the cuts on Mei's arm. She hisses, but I keep her still with my hand wrapped around her wrist.

"I am sorry," I say quietly, making sure the wounds are thoroughly washed. "But I do not want the wounds to fester."

"Festering doesn't sound good at all," she agrees, meeting my eyes. "Sometimes keeping things to oneself also makes mental wounds fester."

I look away, unable to keep the eye contact.

The continuous tremors have finally subsided. We made it out before the truly dangerous adult zemlja could arrive, but for a long time the earth shook with their passage. We all decide by mutual accord to tend to our wounds in the courtyard before we prepare for the journey back to the Tribe, remaining as still and quiet as we can.

I still cannot believe that not only is the queen alive, I am as well. This is not an outcome I thought possible.

Ragnar is still cool towards me, which is as expected. Still, he took Bashir and Melchior over to the other side of the courtyard to give me some privacy with Mei, which I appreciate. I frown as I gently blot her arm.

She came after me.

I never thought she would, that she would endanger herself in this manner.

"You should not have come," I say, my eyes on my task. "It was too dangerous for you. Is too dangerous. Ragnar should never have allowed you to come."

The memory of the zemlja taking her down into the water flashes through my mind. I suppress a shudder. I was so close to losing her. Not that she is mine to lose anymore.

Mei snorts. "Don't you remember who brought me here in the first place?" she points out archly.

"I was not in my right mind then," I growl. "I did not have full access to my memories."

"I think I may have preferred you before you did," she retorts.

I jerk back at that, raising my eyes to meet hers in my surprise. That hurts.

"Yes, I said it," she says, crossing her arms. "Before you got all your memories back, you were . . . sweet. You wanted to be with me."

My ever-present guilt is rising, with a heavy dose of incredulity.

"You think I do not desire you? That I do not want my treasure with me at all times?" I close my mouth with a snap, biting back any more revealing words.

"Am I your treasure?" Mei asks, her tone softer now as she searches my face. "It didn't feel like it when I woke up alone and found you'd abandoned me. Abandoned me to come here on a suicide mission, I might add."

I sigh, leaning back as she watches me with accusing eyes. "I did not know that the humans—that you—needed the epis to survive here on Tajss. I would never have come here if I had known." I reach out to take Mei's hand in mine. "You have to believe me."

She looks at me with keen eyes, nodding slowly. "Okay."

I let out a breath in relief. She believes me.

"But why did you want to do it anyway? Why would you risk your life to do this. Actually, scratch that—why would you throw your life away on this? You know you weren't going to win. I don't understand why you think epis is so evil."

I do owe her an explanation for my actions, one I should have given to her rather than simply leaving. She is right on that count, even if she will dislike me even more after she hears the entirety of my story.

"Long ago, I left Tajss to see what else was out there, what was there to see off my home world. You must understand, it was a rare occurrence for a Zmaj to leave Tajss," I explain. "I did not realize, nor had I heard about the disparity between us and those that benefited from the epis we harvested until I left."

"Disparity? What kind of disparity?"

"Riches, wealth. All the creature comforts and the ease that it can bring," I say, bitterness tinging my voice. "You should have seen the palaces, the clothing, the food, and the ships that the off-worlders built off our backs."

I still remember my initial shock at seeing it, followed by anger. And then a determination to do something about it.

Mei leans towards me, her thumb absently rubbing the back of my hand. I take comfort from even that small touch.

"Wait—weren't you being compensated for the epis you were harvesting?" she asks, indignation rising in her voice.

"Oh, we were compensated," I say, smiling without humor. "A pittance in comparison to what the epis was worth on the market. We didn't know that, of course. Didn't know that we risked life and limb to gather it only to ensure that others reaped the huge profits. We didn't know that those we sold it to were taking advantage of us, using our ignorance against us."

I think back to the splendor I experienced when I left Tajss. And the horror I felt when I realized my people’s slavery was funding the opulent lifestyles I saw.

"That's terrible, Ryuth," she murmurs, her hand coming up to smooth my hair back. I look up at her in surprise, the tender gesture catching me off guard. "I understand why you would feel betrayed."

I nod, leaning into her touch. Even now, I am weak for her.

"Our entire society was built around the gathering of epis," I continue. "It was our main industry, what supported us. And others were profiting off our hard labor rather than compensating us fairly." I think back to when I fully realized the truth of what was going on. Betrayal was a mild word for the ugly emotions that rose inside me. I meet Mei's soft eyes. "We were enslaved by this . . . drug. This plant that everyone wanted."

I look down again, at our clasped hands. I know she is simply touching me, comforting me to be kind. It does not mean anything more. But I am not above taking advantage of her kindness while I can. "I suppose extended life has its appeal to many. I have lived too long now to want to live forever." I shake my head. "When I found out what was going on, I decided something needed to be done. Action needed to be taken."

Mei's hand tightens on mine. "What did you do?" she asks, her voice concerned.

"I was determined to end my people's slavery," I explain. "They didn't know they were slaves, but I set out to free them all the same. I was going to disrupt our entire way of life, but freedom was a goal worth fighting for, worth taking a risk for. So I formed a group, a faction that led the uprising." I take a deep breath. She has to know the rest. I owe her everything. "We decided—I decided—we needed to eradicate the epis. Those we dealt with had already shown themselves to be untrustworthy. The only way to break our chains was to destroy the product itself. Without it, there would be no enslaving us."

"Oh, Ryuth," Mei murmurs.

"We knew the epis was created by the zemlja," I continue, trying to get everything out before I weakened and kept things from her again. "Without them, there would be no epis. We searched for a way to kill them all, but could not formulate a plan that was possible to execute." I remember the frustration at the time. And then the excitement. "Then we found out the zemlja have a hive nature, that killing their queen would kill them all." I lick my lips. "But not everyone was as loyal as we thought. Someone betrayed us. The off-worlders addicted to the epis heard of this plan. And they attacked."

"The Devastation," Mei breathes, comprehension and shock in her expression.

I nod.

"So you see," I say, my voice hoarse with emotion. "You see why I am unworthy of you. I am the cause of the Devastation, the reason why my race is all but gone. I am a disgrace."

"You are not. You thought your actions were justified," Mei objects. "You were trying to help your people."

"And yet I was instrumental in them dying," I say harshly, my head hanging low. "And I was almost responsible for killing you!" I look up, taking in her beloved face. "I would never have forgiven myself had that happened."

She shakes her head, her face soft as she cups my face.

"You were doing what you thought was best for everyone. Yes, the outcome was terrible. Horrifying. But that was not your intention."

I reach up to layer my hands over hers, wanting to sink into the acceptance there.

But she does not know everything.

"That is not all," I say, her eyes only inches from mine. I could stare into them forever and be a happy male. But she does not understand. That is the only reason she watches me with such softness. "In the chaos, I was taken by the Zzlo."

"I know that, Ryuth. It doesn't matter—"

"It matters," I interrupt, willing her to understand. "For years, I was tortured, brainwashed. I saw and did . . . unspeakable things. Horrible things, do you understand? Yes, I was lost to the bijass. But I have so much blood on my hands, Mei."

I take a shaky breath as my voice breaks. There are some memories I wish I didn't have.

"So much blood." Flashes of the death and destruction I wrought go through my mind, hazy and fuzzy through the lens of time and the veil of the bijass that had overtaken me at the time. "There is no redemption for me. I thought my life would have been well used had I been able to take out the source of the evil in our society. But even that is not to be."

I wait for Mei to pull away. To tell me that I am indeed beyond redemption. That I disgust her.

But she does not.

She leans even closer, and lays a gentle kiss on my forehead.

"You are a good person, Ryuth," she murmurs against my skin. "This I know."

Hope is a painful crack in my chest. "You do not understand."

She pulls back, still close enough that our noses touch. All I can see is the pretty brightness of her eyes and the compassion in them.

The love.

It fills me up, warms all the cold corners inside me, smooths the scars.

"I understand that you made mistakes," she concedes. "Some of your own volition, some that were completely out of your control. But I also understand that you're a good person. I understand that you were doing what you thought was right."

"Mei . . . " I trail off, not knowing what to say.

Grateful for this gift.

For the reflection of me in her eyes that isn't ugly or unworthy, but . . . good.

She sees the good in me.

"You aren't beyond redemption," she says, kissing my mouth gently. "You are already redeemed. And you are mine."

I close my eyes tightly, shock giving way to a wave of love and gratitude so vast, I cannot fully grasp it.

Perhaps there is reason for me to hope.