Chapter Two
March 2017
Tyler
“Hey all. So it’s Tyler here, the Bewildered Baby Daddy, and well, I have a secret.” I pick up the fake baby. “No, guys, we haven’t had the baby early. I have a pretend one, so that I can experience what it’s like to look after an infant. How cool is that? I’m taking the baby everywhere with me today. I’m out at a few meetings and basically I want to show Lindsay that it will not be as bad as she’s imagining. That our baby will fit around day-to-day life. It’s my parents wedding reception tonight and I’m looking forward to everyone meeting baby. So that said, he, cos its a boy doll, needs a name. So it’s over to you. Add a name to the poll and the most popular name wins!”
The fake baby lets out a cry and I feed it, burp it and change it. Then it sleeps. For hours. Then I repeat what I did before. This is a total piece of piss. I don’t know what people go on about complaining like babies are some earth shattering, life changing experience. I’ve even managed an hour of Forza on the Xbox.
Lindsay has gone out to see her mum and then she was going to Kid Zone later this afternoon to help get the place ready for the party so she hasn’t met our ‘baby’ yet. I know she wasn’t keen on the idea when my mum mentioned it, but I think it will give her some confidence in my abilities as a father. Plus the fake baby is so damn cute. I can’t wait to show him off tonight. He has a little mop of blonde fuzz on his head and blue eyes so he even looks like me a bit. Mum did good. She said that it made her feel broody herself for five minutes before she remembered all the sleepless nights and exhaustion. She likes to exaggerate does my mum though I love her dearly.
I settle down on the bed at the side of the baby and I have a few hours sleep. I want to be fresh for the party tonight. Another feed, wind, change and a bit of bonding and I place the baby in the crib and go to see which kid’s name won on my channel.
Baby McBabeface is the outstanding winner. I love it. My viewers are such a riot!
Baby McBabeface it is!
Lindsay arrives home looking happier than I’ve seen her in ages. “Everything’s set,” she tells me. “We just need to get a bite to eat then get ready and go enjoy ourselves for the evening. I’m not even feeling sick. I absolutely can’t wait. Couples night.” She announces.
“Yeah, about that,” I say and I introduce her to our son.
There’s a deadly silence followed by Lindsay’s face turning a weird shade of pink.
“Linds, I’ve started it now, people are interested and I’m enjoying it.” I protest at her thunder-faced reaction.
“I said I didn’t want a fake baby,” she screeches.
“Ssshh.” I rock the baby in my arms. “You’ll wake baby up.”
She looks at him, stood with her hip tilted and let’s out a large exhale of breath. “I guess he’s kind of cute.”
I grin. Ha, I knew I would win her over. “Do you want to hold baby?” I ask her.
“We need to give him a name.” She says.
“That is his name. Baby. Baby Mcbabeface.”
“Pardon?”
“I had a vote on my channel. That’s what won, so its baby for short but his whole name is Baby Mcbabeface.”
Lindsay gets right up in my personal space.
“Do not even think about asking for baby name ideas for our real baby.” Fuck, I can feel her breath on my face. I’m surprised dragon fire hasn’t come out of those flared nostrils. She fixes me with a narrow-eyed glare. “I’m off to get ready. I’m enjoying myself tonight. You’re on your own with the baby.” She storms out of the room.
“Hear that, Baby McBabeface? I’m a single dad. We’ll be okay though you and me.” I head out of the room to get the things I need to take with me for the baby and to turn off the poll for what to name our real kid. She’s such a spoilsport. Then when Lindsay has come back downstairs I go to get ready for the party.
“Seriously?” Lindsay looks at me. I’m wearing a tight pair of jeans, a nice clean shirt and I have the baby in one arm and a baby changing bag slung over my shoulder.
“Lindsay, I’m doing this properly.” I tell her. “Although obviously we don’t have a car seat yet so the baby will have to travel in the bag if you won’t have it on your knee.
“I’m having nothing to do with it. What if it pisses or throws up on me?”
“It doesn’t do that, Linds. It just cries for its needs to be met. Which they all have been, hence the baby is content and has been all day.”
“Oh, it’s not like that doll I had when I was little then that peed?”
“No, it’s an infant simulator not a doll.”
“Pass it over then. I’ll look after it.” Lindsay says.
“You’d better take good care.” I warn her. “He’s settled.”
Camille
Everything is set. Kid Zone looks amazing. All the tables are dressed with white cloths and the chairs have ribbons on the backs in the same colour as the dress my mum wore for her wedding which she’s wearing again tonight. Staff have been paid overtime to serve a hot buffet later, and we made a space at the far end of the room for a dance floor. Kid Zone already has a music system so I have tunes set that will play out all night.
Dylan grabs hold of my hand.
“Come with me.”
He walks me to the ball pool and I scramble after him as he goes onto his knees and under the slide where there’s a secret hiding place. The secret hiding place where he kissed me all that time ago. Except I thought he was an arsehole I was out on a date with at the time. I’d had no idea it was Dylan, although at the point I’d thought he was an arsehole as well.
He drags me onto his lap and fixes his mouth on mine.
“This is where it all began for us, babe.”
“Yes, if only I’d known it was you back then.”
“Yeah, I’d have been kicked in the balls.”
“True.” I giggled.
I kiss him again. He is the best kisser ever and now I want to go home to bed.
“Dylan, you’re a pussy tease. Now I’m going to be horny all night.”
“Well, I’ll make it worth your while when we get home.”
He tries to slip his hand under my dress. “I don’t think so, mate. Come on, back out we go.”
“Just think, our wedding is next.”
“I know.” I kiss him again. “Fiancé, I can’t wait.”
We head back out of the ball pit to a round of applause and whooping from Beth, Leo and Gemma.
We take a bow and get back to our friends and await my parents.
Next to turn up is my gran, along with my auntie and her new fiance, Vic.
“Well, Cam, love. You’ve made this look amazing. I had my doubts when your mum said her reception was in a play centre. I totally expected us having to dress like toddlers and join in.”
“She’s not had a drink yet, give her time.” I joke.
My gran laughs. “True.”
Vic steps forward and introduces himself. He seems nice. “So you’re getting married too?” I say to him and Auntie Miranda. “Have you set a date yet?”
“No, we’re still looking at venues at the moment.” Miranda says. “There’s no big rush. We’ve not been together long.”
“Well, I’m in a rush. I can’t wait to make you mine,” says Vic. It should sound romantic, but instead I feel like I want to throw up. It’s weird when relations are in love. Watching my parents lately makes me feel nauseous.
The door opens and all I hear is the sound of a baby crying loudly followed by bickering voices.
Tyler, Lindsay and a fake baby come around the corner.
Oh dear God, what is my brother doing now?
“Can’t you turn it off?” Lindsay screeches.
“No.” Tyler holds the fake baby protectively towards him. “What do you think will happen when we have a real one? There isn’t an off switch.”
“But it isn’t a real one.” She screeches again.
Lindsay stomps towards me. “Camille, the place looks beautiful. Why can’t I drink? I need a drink right now.”
“Yep, well that’s life with our Ty. Come sit over here and I’ll get you a lemonade. You can pretend it’s got vodka in it.”
Once I’ve got Linds settled, I walk back over to my brother who is chatting with Beth and Leo. Beth is cuddling the now quiet fake baby.
“It’s very lifelike.” I hear her saying. “And it sounded real enough when you came in.”
“What the hell are you up to now, Tyler?” I ask him.
“Meet Baby McBabeface.” He announces followed by a big grin like he’s really a proud parent. How I didn’t end up needing psychiatric care living with my mum and Tyler I do not know.
“Mum will kill you for bringing that to her party. If it takes the attention away from her, you’ll be dead meat.”
“Mum arranged it for me. So I shouldn’t expect she’ll be all that bothered. If it kicks off again, I’ll take it into the loo or something.”
I shake my head. I shouldn’t be surprised, really.
The other guests arrive and everyone sits at their tables. Dad had a taxi ordered to bring them to the venue for 9pm and at just a few minutes past they come into the venue. As I told them to, they wait in the doorway as I go over to the Tannoy system. “Please be upstanding for the bride and groom, Mr & Mrs Turner.”
Everyone applauds as my parents come into the room.
The party goes well. Everyone enjoys the buffet and then it’s cleared away. The music is lowered ready for the speeches. Just Tyler and my dad are doing quick speeches and then it’s onto more dancing until the end of the evening.
Tyler stands up, Baby McBabeface in his arms.
“Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, and anyone here who might not have decided on a gender because we live in diverse times. Well I really didn’t expect to be saying a speech about my parents having got married, what with me being in my twenties, but again diverse times and I could just as easily have been here giving a speech about my dad marrying another man, like Derek for instance.” He nods towards our dad’s friend who looks like he’s about to get up and punch Ty for the very suggestion. “But we aren’t, we’re here because my mum panicked my dad would die and decided to marry him. She says it was that she realised she wanted to have his surname but I reckon she gets more from his life insurance now it’s official.” He guffaws.
Now my mother is giving him her ‘look’.
“Anyway, basically, I know that not too long ago I had no clue about love, and I still mess up on a daily basis, but I found my one. She’s scary at times and sometimes I feel I could do with a baseball bat under the bed in case I need to protect myself, but I love my Lindsay and I know that what my mum and dad have is even greater than that. It’s lasted all of these years and I can only hope to manage to have that myself with Linds.”
My God the boy has rescued himself.
“So, anyway, raise your glasses and here’s a toast to-”
The words are drowned out by Baby McBabeface crying. Tyler rocks the baby to stop it from crying and tips his glass of champagne over its face. The crying escalates to mammoth proportions and I wonder if he’s shagged up the electronics with the water.
No one toasts back. Everyone just watches in horror as Ty takes a napkin off the table to dry the baby with, not realising it was wrapped around leftover bones from chicken wings which fall on the baby’s face. This makes Ty jump, and he drops the baby on the floor. The wail gets louder.
I quickly scramble to the speaker system. “Let’s raise our glasses to the bride and groom.”
People cheer and I glare at Tyler. The message on my face clear. Take the fake baby outside.
My Dad’s speech passes in peace. He thanks everyone for coming and tells my mum how much he loves her. It’s adorable.
Finally, speeches over, the music thankfully starts again and everyone gets up to join in.
No one is prepared for when two police officers come in, one male, one female. I go to ask them if there’s a problem.
“Yes, there’s a problem.” Says the policewoman. “We need to speak to a Mr Tyler Turner.”
I beckon him over.
“Ty, the police want to speak with you.” I say when he gets to us.
“Yes?” He asks.
“We had reports of a baby being thrown up and down in the back of a car and now we can clearly hear a distressed infant in that same car. We will have no choice but to break into the vehicle unless you can give us the keys right now.”
“It’s not what you think, Officer.” Tyler tells them.
“Yeah, never is son. Thought you’d lock the baby in the car while you drank and partied the night away, huh? Come with me.” The female police officer strong arms Tyler towards the entrance.
“Be right back, sis.” He tells me.
Right then I’m distracted by a screech of whooooooooo hoooooooo and look in horror as my mother comes bounding over.
“You got me a stripper? Oh my God, Cam. How fun.”
“Mum. No.” I protest, but it’s too late. Mr Police Officer is dragged out towards the dance floor. My mum’s crazily strong when she wants to be. Those gym sessions built those biceps.
Out on the dance floor she stands and waits for him to dance with her. When he tries to talk, she shakes her head at him and starts sexy dancing near him, turning her back and gyrating her ass near his crotch. I note my dad watching her. He shakes his head, and laughing he comes walking over to me. “You’ve made your mum’s day there, love. I’d have been jealous back in the day. In fact to be honest, I am now, but I know it’s all good fun, and it’s me she loves.”
“Dad. He’s a real police officer. I’ve tried to tell her.”
My dad’s face pales, and he goes bounding over to my mother. To everyone else it looks like he’s having a jealous fit in the middle of the dance floor but eventually a harrassed police officer comes back over to me.
“Sorry about my mum.” I tell him. “She’s a bit crazy.”
The woman police officer walks in holding Baby McBabeface. “It’s all sorted.” She tells her colleague. “Fake baby. Look it’s really cute.”
“Yeah it is now it’s stopped crying,” Tyler tells her. “But it was ruining the reception.”
“Well, just make sure you don’t put your newborn in the car when he or she arrives and you’ll be okay.” She says and stands rocking the fake baby.
I think I’m about ready for my bed and my fiance. I’ve had enough crazy for one night.
Then Beyoncé’s Single Ladies comes on and my gran, mum and auntie Miranda all do the dance. There’s no hope for me and my future offspring. I might as well book a bed ready in an asylum. But for now I head to the dance floor and join in.
Dora
It’s been one of the best nights of my life. Beth had made us a huge wedding cake made of chocolate and as long as I have my gaviscon when I get home I figure it’ll be okay. How cool is it that I’ve had a dance with a sexy policeman? Even if he didn’t turn out to be a real stripper he was still lush. I’ve managed a night with my mum and sister where we’ve not squabbled and my husband is the best man in the whole wide world and I want to go home now and take him to bed. I’m on my way out of the toilets when I’m accosted by Derk the Jerk.
“Doll. That policeman was a lucky guy tonight. Can anyone have one of your special dances?” He winks at me.
I look at him and smile sweetly. Time to take this wanker down. “Why, Derek, you can have more than a dance, you can have a kiss.”
His eyes light up. “Yeah? With tongues?”
“Is there any other kind of kiss? Just let me freshen up a little. I’ll be back in a mo.”
I head back into the toilets where I put a rubber glove on one hand and pick up that day’s cleaning cloth from the cupboard at the back of the room. The one I know is used to wipe over the toilet seats where kids are always leaving skid marks and trickles of piss.
I come back out and look around making sure the coast is clear. “We must be quick, Derek. Close your eyes.”
He closes his eyes and opens his mouth and I stuff the cleaning cloth as far down his gob as I can get it. He quickly opens his eyes, pulls out the cloth and looks at me in horror as he sees a telltale brown mark. As he sniffs it, his face shows me that he quickly realises it ain’t chocolate. He heaves.
“Hope you don’t catch anything nasty. Actually that’s a lie. I really hope you do.” I grab him by the bollocks and pinch sharply. “Did you want me to feel your package too, hun? You back the fuck off away from me or these won’t be usable.”
“I love a woman who plays hard to get, darling.” He yells after me, managing to find his voice. Fucking arsehole.
He’s picked the wrong person to fuck with, but tonights not the night to finally get rid of Derk the Jerk. I’ll never forgive him for putting a blight on my wedding reception, the sleazebag.
I walk out and up to Tim and it’s no good. The guy has really got to me and I begin to cry.
“Dora. Dora, sweetie. What’s the matter?”
I tell him about Derek. We’d agreed no more secrets between us a while ago and he needed to know.
Tim’s face turns puce. As Derek strolls past us he turns to Tim. “Night, mate. It’s been a blast.”
Tim lunges for him and throws a punch that makes Derek’s nose explode in a sea of red.
“Fuck,” Tim clutches his fist.
“My hero,” I yell.
Tyler and Dylan come rushing over to help us.
“Now it’s been a proper wedding reception,” my son laughs. Then when he finds out what Derek did, he kicks him in the balls for good measure while he’s down on the floor.
I love my family.
They’re the fucking best.