Chapter Three
April 2017
Lindsay (5 months pregnant)
No one can prepare you for being pregnant because everyone is different. Here I am feeling like death warmed up still at five months. In contrast, Beth, is having an easy pregnancy. I don’t wish a difficult one on her, I just wish mine would go a bit easier.
No one prepares you for all the shit you have to hear or endure either.
Oh bad heartburn, the baby will have long hair.
Oh, you seem to be carrying at the front, the baby will be a boy/girl.
Oh, it’s going to be a girl. I know cos Brenda told me before she ran off with the church funds. That one courtesy of Ty’s Aunt Miranda. I was hoping her being loved up would calm down the mystic shit but now she’s into a magazine’s daily horoscopes according to Dora.
Anyway, today I’ve started with a pain across my stomach and I’m totally shitting myself. It really hurts. I’ve phoned the G.P.’s and they’ve got me an appointment to see the midwives in an hour. Since I told Tyler he’s been pacing around like a caged animal. He’s not even put his computer on so it must be bad.
What if I’m losing the baby?
I’ve moaned all the way through so far because it’s made me feel so ill and yet I’ve become attached to my tiny bump. I’ve just begun to show so you might think I was actually pregnant now. Plus the baby wriggles to show me it’s okay. They’ve still been wriggling so I have to hope this pain is something easily explained.
When we get to the hospital I’m placed on a fetal heart monitor. My baby’s heartbeat tracing on a piece of graph paper. I bite my lip. Tyler holds my hand the whole time.
“Tell me it’s going to be okay.” I tell him.
“We’ve just got to hope for the best.” He replies.
I like that he doesn’t placate me with lies. For all he can be stupid, my man is my rock.
The midwives come in and we squeeze each other’s hands tighter.
“Everything is absolutely fine,” she says, and the relief is overwhelming. “What you have are growing pains, basically. The skin across your stomach is stretching. It’s painful but there isn’t a lot we can do about it. Maybe massage some oil in your skin to keep things supple, but it’s just one of the things women have to endure.”
“Oh thank you. I don’t care about being in pain if my baby is alright.” I tell her. Then I look at Tyler and he has tears in his eyes. Fuck. What is it going to be like after we have the baby? It comes to me all at once that we really do have this little baby coming to look after for life.
And as barmy as he was borrowing Baby McBabeface, it shows me how committed Ty is to doing the best he possibly can.
We go home and Tyler carries me upstairs. “Don’t you have to catch up on some work?” I ask him.
“Nope. I’m taking the day off.” He declares, stripping off down to his boxers. “Come on, we’re having an afternoon nap. This morning has been exhausting. Come and rest Baby Mama.”
I strip off to my undies and scoot into Tyler’s arms. He rests a hand on my bump and the baby wiggles against it. Then we fall asleep, the relief of everything being okay taking over.
As my morning sickness now does just take place in a morning, Ty takes me out for dinner. We can afford stuff more now thanks to his book deals and channel but because it’s such an unreliable wage, I encourage Ty to bank a lot of the money. While we are out I take the opportunity to confess about how I’ve been feeling.
“I know you’ve been miserable, Linds. It’s not surprising is it? I get mardy if I have a cold for a few days. You’ve been sick for weeks.”
“I know, but now I don’t work (Tyler insisted I left despite my wanting my maternity leave). Well, I’m quite bored to be truthful.”
“So what would your dream job or pastime be? If you could do anything you wanted?” He asked me.
I think for a moment. “Well, I used to be great at sewing at school. Maybe I could try to make some baby clothes? Obviously I’ll use cream or yellow with us not finding out the sex of the baby. In fact, maybe I could make some curtains for the nursery and bits like that?” I start to feel something I haven’t felt in a long time - excitement.
“Go for it. Start with making things for the baby and if you enjoy it, you could always open an Etsy store or something like that. I can shout you out on my channel, you’d be inundated with orders, I’d bet.”
“Thank you.” I place my hand on his. “But I want to do this for myself. I don’t feel like I’ve ever really achieved anything, you know? This gives me a chance to prove something to myself.”
“Well, I get that. I’m Tyler, the guy everyone thinks is an idiot. I’m even famous for being the nerd who got a girl and now for being a bewildered baby daddy.”
“You’re not an idiot all of the time.” I tell him and he laughs.
After that, though pregnancy doesn’t seem to want to become much easier for me in terms of I still feel exhausted and I’m sick every morning, I find a focus to my day. I get myself out of the house to buy materials and other supplies and I sew a lot. Dora collects me twice a week to go and have a drink at Kid Zone with Cam and Beth, which means I get some girl talk and I also find a baby forum online where I chat with other expectant mums. I start to settle into my new life and Tyler takes time out to paint the bedroom that will be our baby’s nursery. My mum is excited at the thought of being a grandma and her and my dad buy us a cot and a changing table. Everything is starting to come together.
A beep from outside alerts me to the fact that Dora is here. Today we’re going shopping for some other things I need. I’ve made a list and Dora said she’d love to come with me because baby stuff is cute and she wants to spoil me.
I’m a little shocked when I go outside and find that instead of her Ford Fiesta, Dora is driving a white van.
“Dora. What’s happened to your car?”
“We’re going proper shopping, Linds. It’s not going to fit into a Fiesta.”
I raise an eyebrow. “Does Tim know you hired a van?”
“Course not, silly. You still have a lot to learn about what you let men know. But don’t worry I’m here to teach you.” She says. And off we go.
Firstly, she pulls up at a designer baby store and we look at prams. An assistant, a young guy who looks in his late teens comes over to us and asks if he can help.
“Yes, she’s in labour. Do you have towels and hot water?” Dora announces.
The guy looks petrified and his eyes dart around the store.
“She’s just joking. I’m almost six months. No baby coming yet.” I smile at him.
He smiles in relief. “Well in terms of infant vehicles, this is our top seller.” He states pointing to a huge monstrosity of a pram, come car seat, come well, god knows. It’s just far too complicated looking.
“No.” Says Dora simply. “We need to look at your lightest infant vehicles.” She rolls her eyes at his terminology “and one’s with lots of storage in the bottom.”
The salesman pulls a bit of a face at not getting his huge commission and as he walks across the shop floor, we see him give an eye roll to another staff member.
“Hey,” Dora calls him back over, shouting so loud that several other customers turn around.
“Yes?”
“Forget it.”
“Pardon?”
“We don’t want any of your vehicles, there are plenty of other stores where they don’t pull faces because we’re not buying the vehicle of the year. We’re leaders, not followers. By the way, it’s called a pram, you snivelling little shit, and that face you were pulling? Do it again and I’ll shove your head up your arse.”
She walks us out of the store.
“Oh my God, Dora. Was that store for real?” I’m gobsmacked.
“Full of deluded tosspots. I just wanted to treat you to something extra nice, but fear not, there are plenty of other shops.”
We travel on to a chain and there we buy an ideal pram, and tons of bibs, clothes, hair brushes, bottle warmers, etc. Basically, you name it, we have it. Dora made a huge list, and we compared mine and hers and well, we leave with bags upon bags. So many that we have to push two shopping carts to the van.
“Time for refreshments,” Dora says and drives us to a restaurant that has a vast vegetarian menu. I’m having a great time and I tell Dora all about the things I’m making. “You look different again, Lindsay. I have to say. You seem a lot mellower, happier.”
“I really am.” I reply. “I’m doing something I enjoy. Now I know why Tyler is on his computer half the day. I get it’s his thing.”
I go on to tell her how I worry about the longevity of his career.
“He’ll be okay I should imagine for a few years, but yes it’s not a long term job, so I agree with putting money away in the bank. But, Tyler will adapt. He can go back to getting a job in a store or maybe he’ll pull some other entrepreneur shit out of the bag. He has two books coming out. Maybe he could try to get further book deals, or he could move into working with computers. Who knows? Life’s for living now though, Lindsay, so if you have a chance to do what you love you need to grab it with both hands.”
“Are you still enjoying the baking?” I ask her since Dora is prone to periods of obsession with things and so far this has been the longest running thing she’s stuck with.
“Yes, it’s perfect. It earns me enough to go alongside Tim’s wage. But Tim’s a little old-fashioned. He was brought up to believe that men are the breadwinners, and that’s the role’s we settled into when the kids were little. I was home with them and Tim worked. When they were a little older, I started cleaning for some extra money. You and Tyler are bringing a child up in an entirely different way right now, with you both working from home. It’ll be tricky though, trying to work around a baby.”
“Yes, we got a glimpse of that from Baby McBabeface.” I told her.
“Sorry about that. I thought it was a good idea until it bawled it’s way through the wedding reception. Karma got me.” She laughs.
“Well, it got Tyler plenty of publicity and content for his Bewildered Baby Daddy book.”
“And it got me a sexy dance with a policeman.” She laughs.
After a leisurely lunch, she takes me around several more shops. I don’t think the baby will need anything else. She finishes off buying me the ugliest pair of nightdresses you’ve ever seen and one really sexy one.
“Okay, I’m confused.” I tell her.
“These two,” she pulls a face. “Are for wearing to the hospital. You will sweat, bleed and maybe even shit yourself while wearing one of them and then you’ll get washed and can change into the other. Ugly but practical. Lots of room for if your stomach remains swollen. Mine went straight down with both of mine and then I lost weight but my friend still looked eight months pregnant for a fortnight.”
“Okay. Makes sense.”
“Then this one.” She shakes out the sexy black chemise. “Is for when you want to feel sexy again. Not,” She emphasises the word not, “after the six week check when they give you the go ahead and you’d rather bite the head off a live chicken than have sex. No, it’s for when you are ready. Then put this on and sexy yourself up.”
I throw my arms around Dora and hug her. “Thank you. You think of everything. I really appreciate it.”
“Yes, well one last stop and then we’re done.” She tells me. “Have your heard of a film called Pretty Woman, Lindsay?”
I nod. “It’s iconic. I love it.”
“Good,” she says. “We’re about to do some acting. You ready?”
Outside the designer children’s shop once again, we walk in with our arms full of baby shopping.
Dora walks straight over to the surly faced teen and talks in an extremely loud voice. “Hello again, we’re the customers you pulled faces at earlier, or was that your usual expression? Hard to tell really. Anyway just to say that you made a big mistake, huge.” We shake our bags in front of his face, the rest of the staff and customers staring wide-eyed, then we walk, heads held high out of the store.
After we place the packages in the back of the van, we stand laughing. “Oh my God, Dora, that was epic.”
“His face.” She guffaws. “Did you see his face? Serves the little bastard right.”
She drives me home and Tyler comes out to help us take the purchases into the house.
“Take it easy tonight, Lindsay. You’ve had a busy day.” Dora says.
“I have, but it’s been amazing, Dora. It’s been exactly what I needed.”
She strokes my cheek. “I know it’s all overwhelming but once the baby is here and you go to playgroups and things, it just falls into place. You realise we’re all just guessing our way through parenting.” She looks at Tyler. “You’d think second time around I’d have done better.”
We caterwaul with laughter again.
“Yeah, you’re so funny, mum.” Tyler pouts. “You’re bloody lucky to have me mother. You’ll not be complaining when I pay off your mortgage.”
Dora pulls Ty towards her, her head fits just under his chin. “Sweetie, you are one of the best things I ever did with my life and we don’t need your money. Spend it on your own family, me and your dad are fine. Love ya, kiddo.” She says to him as if he’s about three years old.
Then she bids us goodnight and sets off to take the hire car back and pick her own car up.
“So has she driven you completely around the twist?” He asks me. “Has she bought you a book on how to be a parent, or how to stay zen during childbirth?”
“No, she was just amazing.” I told him. “But I’m beat now, so I’m going to go up to bed if that’s okay with you?”
“How beat are you?” He asks. “Too beat to maybe widen those thighs a little?”
“I think I could possibly manage that.” I tell him. “If you can make me a cuppa first.”