CHAPTER FOUR

LYNNE

There used to be times I would wake up in a cold, damp sweat. My dreams were always disappearing as quickly as my therapist said they’d run through my head. Dreams are natural; everyone has them. I know this. I’ve studied hard to develop how dreams can or can’t become a reality. It’s one of the many tricks a human mind plays. It’s up to us to remember the ones that have a meaning behind them.

I knew Tyson was in most of mine. Even the nightmares that woke me in that cold, damp sweat. He was there. Always. Then there were times, like now, when my dreams are peaceful, content, and the thought of waking up and getting out of bed is a routine task I wish I didn’t have to endure. But instead to lie here and pretend he was still holding me, whispering in my ear to have a great day or how much he loved me. How the way life cheated me out of becoming a mother was okay because we had each other and the love we had would conquer any obstacle life tossed our way.

I knew going over to his place and finally revealing the dreadful truth to him was going to be hard. I expected him to slam the door in my face. To yell at me to leave him alone the same way he did both of the times I’ve seen him. A sense of relief mixed with fear rushed over me when he invited me into a place that was as vulnerably naked as we were. The man lives like a recluse. There was no sign of life except him in his apartment anywhere. It’s barely a home. Empty.

When I walked past him, it felt similar to having a bucket of ice dumped on my head. His vibes chilled me right to my bones. Then, as time progressed and I let myself open up and tell him the words I have wanted to say for years, it was if we both started to thaw. The block of ice dripping as he began to shed the hindering frozen obstruction of hatred he had for me. I felt it. I know I did.

What he feels for my parents, though, that will never go away. I don’t blame him at all. I’ve lived with it every day for years. If I thought he hated them before, then I’m a bigger fool than I already am. He drove a truck into the side of my parents’ house out of anger a few months back. I may be a fool, but I’m not an idiot. He did it to retaliate against me. He thought it would hurt me if he got to them. It did the opposite. I laughed until I couldn’t anymore. When I told Maggie about it, somehow more joy seeped out of me. It still does when I think about it. It’s a damn shame my parents weren’t standing in front of it.

Tyson also touched a part of me I knew was there. It always has been. He replaced it with something new, fresh, and I dare to dream a beginning I never expected. It happened the minute he knelt down and touched me. His eyes started rejuvenating my soul. Stirring parts of me back to life. He had comforted me before he opened his mouth and without any hesitation at all told me he needed time. He placed a bind over my wounds, replaced my backbone, and left me with a wishbone that maybe, possibly, we could start anew. I know its wishful thinking on my end with all the deceit and betrayal between us. I’m trying hard not to get my hopes up, but the way he kissed me tenderly on my cheek is so fresh on my mind that it’s all I can think about. All I’ve hope for. And I’m so scared and alone right now that I’m more frightened than the day I wrote that damn letter of good-bye.

I sigh, push back the covers, and run my fingers across the horizontal scar across my lower abdomen. The jagged, ugly reminder of the truth. The actuality that there is only one thing in life that is guaranteed, and that is death. I truly think I died that day. My heart, soul, and spirit were ripped out before I had a chance to live. All of it stripped away with the one word no one ever wants to hear. Cancer.

It struck me hard. Burned me out and happened just a few weeks before I was able to become his wife and escape the cruelty of my parents. To be happy and live a life with him.

My parents aren’t responsible for what happened to my body. They didn’t wish for me to be sick. For me to go through months of chemo, radiation, and to fall so deep into a black hole that it took years to see a sliver of light. No, they took their young daughter who couldn’t think straight because her life was flying before her eyes and convinced her that she would be better off in the long run if she left the boy she loved.

So, like the rest of the world, I say, fuck cancer. I’m a survivor. A statistic. And I deserve to live. Deserve to be a happy. And somehow, I’m going to find it.

“Shit.” I sit up abruptly when my phone starts vibrating, swing my legs over, and watch the screen light up with my sister Larissa’s name. Why do people seem to always call at the wrong time? Especially her. I don’t know if I want to answer it. I sigh again while it continues to ring. I said I would cut all of them out of my life. Do I do it now or simply ignore her?

I reach for the phone and hope it’s not a mistake. “Good morning,” I answer, my voice sounding chipper when I’m anything but. If she’s calling in regards to my conversation with our mother about doing a ribbon-cutting ceremony, I’m hanging up on her.

“Woah. Someone sounds happy this morning.” I roll my eyes, stumble to the kitchen, and push the button on my coffee pot, refusing to give her any bit of information. The less she knows, the better off I will be.

“It’s a new day,” I repeat what I always say when I talk to her. Larissa may love the lifestyle she leads, but she has always been the peacemaker in the family. She simply wants everyone to get along; out of everyone in my family, she’s the only one I’ve confided my true feelings to. It hasn’t changed her mind or made her take off her ugly shade of blinders. None of them understand that power means weakness to me, and thanks to being under my parents’ thumb, she’s too afraid to speak her mind. So, in other words, her call doesn’t surprise me in the least. I’m going to miss her. One can only hope she won’t cut Elizabeth out of my life. That little girl is the only one in this family who matters to me.

“It is, and I’m happy for you. Are your books filled with new clients?” She asks with enthusiasm. Is our mother standing right next to you?

“I wish. I do have a couple appointments today,” I muster out with as much eagerness as I can. I’m nervous and excited. These are the first sessions I’ve had. It took years to get through school, to sit through required supervised practice with patients only to turn around and have to apply, go through a series of questions, and then take the state of California licensed test, and now here I am ready to take on this career that helped get me through the darkest part of my life.

“That’s wonderful, Lynne. I’m proud of you. We all are.” Right, I think to myself. Our parents couldn’t care less. Laney has her head so far up our parents’ ass that she wouldn’t care if they took turns shitting her and her husband Sebastian out. That leaves Larissa and Jamie, her husband. If I were a betting woman, the odds would be against Jamie. Larissa could swing either way if she wanted. Power is money. Money is power to every single one of them. So, no. I highly doubt them being proud of me is high up on anyone’s priority list.

“I know,” I lie, soothing an argument with her which would lead to her telling me to get over it and that we are all family and should simply get along. I think that ship has sailed and sunk a long time ago.

“Listen, I have to make this quick. I wanted to tell you that Mom and Dad are on a rampage over you and whatever you have going on down there with Tyson. I tried talking to both of them last night. They won’t listen. I wanted you to know that I stand behind you one hundred percent, Lynne. Out of any of us, you deserve to be happy, and I’ll do whatever I can to make sure they don’t interfere this time.” I blink back tears at the memory of waking up in the hospital, my womanly parts gone. My body feeling foreign and my heart unforgiving to everyone around me. All I wanted was to have Tyson there when I woke up. Instead, I became alert and stared into the smirking, bright, explosive eyes of my father. He was secretively telling me he had won. That Tyson was gone and was never going to find me. I cried for hours, became hysterical and screamed for the man I loved. I was eighteen years old. Could make decisions for myself, and yet there I lay, lifeless and putty in my own parents’ hands.

“You’re calling to tell me you stood up for me and you want to support me? Come on, Larissa. We both know that’s bullshit. You would much rather I be there, ending the chaos I’ve caused instead of here. That’s why you’re calling, isn’t it? You want me to come there so we can talk, and when I do, you’ll all attack me. Speak the truth, for God’s sake,” I snip, while her silence is all the proof I need that she’s as full of as much deceitfulness as they are. She would be twelve kinds of stupid if I told her some of the things I know. “Say you are telling the truth. Then we both know your words won’t do a damn thing. I’m not the same little girl I was back then. They’ve stripped me bare, Larissa. Deceived me in ways I will never understand. I can never have a child of my own, but one thing I do know is I would never make him or her a victim to my own personal agenda. They are both grasping a hold of the short end of a straw, because they know I’m not like them. I never have been. I never will be. After my talk with Mom yesterday, I told myself I was done with them, and now hearing this, I know for sure I am. So, you tell them to bring it on. I will destroy them, you, Laney, and anyone else. I will never allow anyone to try and hurt Tyson again. I love you, but I have to go.” I hang up on her the same way I did my mother. It’s rude. I know it. I simply choose not to care.

Larissa has no idea how evil my parents can be. How persevering they are. She’s blinded like everyone else in their circle. If she fights my battles for me, she will be kicked out of that circle. That’s on her, not me. I’m sick and tired of fighting with all of them.

I pour myself a cup of coffee, shut off my phone after I read a text from Larissa telling me how sorry she is and she loves me, and stride out to my deck. The morning sun shines down on my face; the smell of the ocean is calling my name. It’s heaven here.

I sigh, wipe a tear from my face, and let my mind wander to my entire family. My heart is aching over the fact that I’m all alone. A family bond shouldn’t be like this. It should be supportive, full of laughter, happiness, and hand holding. It shouldn’t be about one sister sneaking around to tell the other to watch her back because of the power and influence their parents have. My sisters should have had my back long ago when this all started. They knew it destroyed me. Saw it in my eyes when they came to visit and I refused to talk, saw it every time I did or did not come home.

“I want nothing to do with any of you,” I muse, sip my coffee, and jump when I see Vivian and Cora standing directly in front of me. Great. What else is going to rain down on my head today?

“We don’t blame you at all for not wanting anything to do with us. We’ve treated you poorly. We came to apologize,” Vivian says with a steady voice. My jaw smacks and falls between the cracks on my deck.

“Those words weren’t meant for you. Sorry. Odd timing.” I stumble around my own thoughts, composing myself in the process. Fairly positive these two women are here because Jude told them to come ease my mind. Why? None of them have a thing to gain except to bid me farewell.

“Are you alright? We didn’t mean to intrude,” Cora asks, her eyes whirring with sincerity. My troubled mind is telling me not everyone has a personal vendetta to hurt me, so stop jumping to conclusions. Be nice.

“You’re not intruding. As far as being alright, I’m getting there.” I shrug casually. My guard is up over these women. I’ve been that way around females most of my life. Growing up with my last name in one of the most powerful cities in the world, you either fit in with the crowd of the privileged or you don’t. I never did, nor did I want to. I slept under the same roof as fake people. The desire not to be around them all day when I was at school churned my gut. I stayed as far away from them as I could. That’s what led me to meet Tyson. The underprivileged tend to be kinder, hold loyalty with speaking the truth, and are appreciative of any- and everything life has to offer. They work hard and take nothing for granted.

“Well, then, for what it’s worth, we truly are sorry for the way we’ve treated you. We saw you out here and decided it was time to tell you.”

“Thank you, Vivian, I appreciate that,” I tell her honestly, then turn my attention back to Cora.

“Your wedding was beautiful. Congratulations,” I faintly mumble while blinking back the memories of all the tears that fell that night. It’s difficult for me to speak about a wedding out loud. How I got through marrying Robert, I’ll never know. I’m pretty sure it was due to the fact I allowed my mother to pull the wool over my eyes once again. Gave her full reign because a part of me didn’t care. Numb. Always so numb.

The queen of hell wouldn’t have had it any other way to begin with. Even though she protested until the veins in her forehead popped out over me giving them no choice about marrying Tyson, she still demanded to take over, claiming no Chapman lady would be walking down the aisle in anything but style. I knew she was covering up her lies then just like she’s hiding behind them now. If she only knew that I know everything.

Enough about her. These women are standing before me out of kindness. Brave and courageous just like their men.

Cora reminds me somewhat of myself. I’ve heard pieces about her and Riddick here and there. Not many people are as lucky as she is, and she doesn’t strike me as the kind of woman who would take advantage of anyone, so acknowledging her wedding is the least I can do. Especially with the two of them showing how strong they are by coming over here.

“Thank you. We’ll let you get back to your coffee. We really are sorry for treating you poorly. Our only excuse, and it’s the truth, is, we’re a family. We care about one another, and well, you showing up out of the blue—”

“It’s okay,” I admit, stopping her before she says something that will spoil the god mood they have put me in. “I completely understand. You have no idea how much happiness it brought me to see Tyson has all of you.” I know they aren’t here to fish for information. I’m not in the frame of mind to talk about family, especially when my own flesh and blood hasn’t a clue what the word means.

“Alright, then, have a good day. And we wish you luck with your new practice. The hospital is very lucky to have you.” I grip my mug tightly, suddenly feeling self-conscious and nervous around the two of these highly-educated women.

“Thank you,” I reply awkwardly. It seems they know more about me than I do them. Which isn’t surprising with as tight as they all are. I’ve also seen the two of them at the hospital a few times when I went to introduce myself to administration. The entire staff welcomed me with open arms. Took several of my business cards and showed me around. The two patients I have today were referrals from the hospital.

I watch them walk in the opposite direction of our homes. Jealousy pings at my gut over how close they are. I’m not sure where our relationship will go from here, but a warm feeling sinks into my heart, the same feeling I had about a new beginning when I talked with Tyson. I stand there holding my now cold coffee cup in my hands. My eyes start drifting to the ocean, and for the first time in as long as I can remember, I allow another genuine smile to graze my lips. I won’t push them to become my friends, to welcome me into their tiny bubble. However, I do feel a weight of relief lifted off my shoulders knowing that a tiny hole has been punctured allowing us to all breathe in the same air.

***

“How did it go?” Maggie asks after the last of my two patients schedules her next appointment and slips out the door. I feel horrible for the young lady who I’ve just spent the past two hours with. Our first appointment should have been a get-to-know-you type of thing. Instead, she jumped right in the minute I asked her why she felt the need to see me. I should have assessed her situation. Saved that second hour for our next session. In its place, I held her hand while the poor thing cried her heart out over being the sole survivor of an automobile accident that wasn’t her fault. It killed her two best friends. I couldn’t ask her to leave, and now as I hand Maggie her file, I second-guess myself. This job is going to test every fiber in my body. I’m going to treat people whose paths in life are similar to mine. It scares me to death.

“It went well,” I respond, not wanting to make her worry. She freaked out the other day after Jude left here. Maggie is a worrywart when it comes to me, and I couldn’t love her more for it. “What are these?” I change the subject when I notice a big bouquet of forget-me-nots, white roses, daisies, and lilies sitting on her desk.

“They’re for you.” She reaches over and plucks out the attached card and hands it to me. The writing on the envelope whispers across my skin and touches my naked soul.

“Are they from him?” she probes, her voice breaking. The first thing I did when I returned home was call and tell her all about my visit with Tyson. Then this morning, I went into telling her about my call from my sister and my admission to myself that I’m better off severing ties with all of them. None of them are going to change the way they feel, and for Larissa to be caught in the middle will eventually make her resent me even if she puts herself there. When I told her about the quick chat I had with Cora and Vivian, she broke down in tears of happiness.

“Yes,” I answer as I slip my finger under the seal to open it.

“What does it say?” She stands, peering over my shoulder to read it.

The writing is scratchy, barely legible, but it’s his. I would recognize it in my sleep. Tyson has always had the worst handwriting.

Lynne,

Good luck today. I know you’ll do great. I’d like to take you to dinner tomorrow night. Be ready by 6:30. I’ll pick you up at your house. Tyson

I’ve never smiled so wide in my entire life.