“Are you ever going to tell me why?” he asks me, and I can hear the disappointment and pain in his voice.

“Maybe, but it won’t change anything. I’m ... I’m troubled, Jack. I’m not the kind of girl you want to settle down with. I’m not the girl you forever with.”

“Who told you that?” he asks me, stroking a thumb over the back of my hand. “Worse, who let you believe that about yourself?”

“You don’t know all of me. You’ve barely scratched the surface.”

“Then tell me the worst of you. Tell me the worst, most horrible thing about you, that makes you unworthy of love and affection?”

I answer him without hesitation. “I’m weak.”

It’s obviously not the answer he was expecting, because he reels back and stares at me with such confusion and shock, that it takes him a moment to form words. “That’s it?” he says, in a soft, somewhat horrified tone. “That’s the worst of you?”

“Believe me, it might not seem like a lot, but I can promise you it is. I’m fragile. I’m weak. I’m a broken girl. Please don’t try and be a hero and come in with super glue to fix my broken pieces. I’m not fixable, Jack. Trust me when I say at some point, somewhere down the track, my weakness would affect you. It would affect any marriage. It would affect children.”

“No,” he says, shaking his head. “No, I don’t believe that you can’t live a happy, normal life just because you think you’re weak.”

“Trust me,” I say, pulling my hand from his. “And please, can we talk about something else?”

He sighs, runs a hand through his hair, and then nods. “Of course.”

We sit in silence for a long while, and I focus on trying to calm my pounding heart. I hate that I had to say those words to Jack, especially after he’s been so nice to me, but the fact of the matter is, it’s who I am. I’m not equipped to be what he needs. He sees something in me, I know he does, but what he sees is an illusion.

I can’t let him keep that.

Eventually, I had to shatter it.

 

 

CHAPTER 19

THEN – MADDIE

“York, please, stop!” I cry, pressing my hands over my ears to drown out Rae’s piercing screams.

“She can fucking well go without, the little slut!” he bellows, hammering her door shut. “No sister of mine will be out on the street, slutting around.”

“She was just out with friends,” I try, hating the sound of Rae’s pained cries, her pleading.

“No, she was out spreading her filthy fucking legs, that’s what she was doing. Don’t you fucking defend her, Maddie.”

I shrink when he turns around, pinning me with a glare. I fold into myself, knowing if I argue further, he’ll be locking me in the room next.

“Please, York, it hurts,” Rae begs, pounding her fists on the door.

A young girl, addicted to drugs, sleeping around. My heart splits in two at the very sight of her, let alone the thought that her life has gone down the toilet. How can she ever be normal again after this? What was a couple of fun “bonding” times with her brother, has now turned into a full blown addiction, and she’s doing whatever she can to get her fix. Including sleeping with random men.

“You should have fuckin’ thought of that then. You will not run my name into the mud by fucking offering your body up for drugs!”

“Then just give me some, please,” she begs. “Please. Give them to me and I’ll never go out.”

“Like fuck. You got yourself into this mess, now you’ll get yourself out of it. You keep screaming, I’ll give you something to fucking scream about.”

“York!” she tries again. “Please.”

He hammers another nail into the plank of wood he’s shoved over her door. She has no way out, even if she wanted to. He’s nailed her window shut. He did this to her, and now he’s punishing her for it. He took away her innocence. He introduced her to drugs. And now he has the nerve to say she’s running his name into the dirt.

“Please,” I try, my voice so soft I can barely hear it myself. “Let her out.”

York shoots daggers in my direction. “Do you want a repeat of last night?”

I stare down at my bruised arms. I can feel my battered lip. My spine aches from where I hit the wall when he abused me. No, I do not want a repeat of last night. I don’t want to feel the pain of his hands on my body, of his fists on my face. I know I should fight, for Rae, for myself, but I’m too afraid. Too broken. Too pathetic.

So I don’t fight, I just shrink down the hallway and listen to the sounds of his sister screaming, of her pleading, of his angry voice as he threatens her. I wonder if the neighbours can hear this? If they can, why haven’t they called the police? What hasn’t someone come and helped us? Why are people so afraid to help others? Maybe if they had stepped up, and done something, we wouldn’t be here.

Who am I to blame them?

This isn’t their fault.

This is my fault.

I let him turn into a monster. I didn’t see it coming. I avoided what was right in front of me. Maybe if I had helped him earlier, insisted he saw someone, did something instead of being so damned weak and afraid, we wouldn’t be in this mess? Right. Isn’t this my fault? Did I turn a man who I swear once loved me, into this raging monster?

Did I?

Dammit. Did I?

~*~*~*~

“Shhh,” I whisper, pressing a wet cloth to Rae’s head. “Don’t make too much noise or he’ll come in here, and if he comes in here, we’ll both suffer.”

“This is all your fault,” Rae groans at me, clutching her stomach. “If you didn’t argue with him, if you had just shut your mouth, none of this would have ever happened.”

“It’s not my fault, Rae. I didn’t introduce him to drugs, and I didn’t give them to you.”

“Where were you, though? When he was doing that? Why didn’t you stop him? You’re an adult. This is all your fault.”

My heart twists as I keep washing down her face. Is she right? Should I have done something more? If I wasn’t so timid, maybe I could have put my foot down and stopped York. Maybe I could have taken her and gotten us out when I realised he was using drugs. Maybe I could have done something, anything, to help her.