CHAPTER 12
“Dan is going to need ongoing medical support for at least eight weeks,” Dilara said as she sat opposite Sloan in a booth at the Bicycle Club Restaurant. They sat within the interior of the busy restaurant, the servers moving quickly and quietly among the hundred or so patrons. Outside the large windows, the sleet had become big, fat snowflakes twirling lazily down from the gray morning sky.
Sloan savored the Mediterranean omelet of lamb, spices, artichokes and fluffy eggs. “Yes, he will.”
Dilara delicately patted her lips with a pink linen napkin. “I’ve gone over both of your personnel files, Sloan.” She smoothed the napkin across the top of her camel-colored wool trousers. “And I’ve also talked to Tal and Dara.” She opened her manicured hands, her nails a bright red to match her lipstick. “There’s only so much I can read into a personnel file, but tell me if I’m wrong? Is there something between you and Dan?”
Sloan swallowed and set her fork aside, suddenly not hungry. The care and concern in Dilara’s expression was genuine, and she didn’t feel like she was snooping where she wasn’t wanted. “I guess Tal told you that we’d had a relationship at Bagram four years ago?”
Nodding, Dilara reached out, patting her hand. “Yes, and that you broke up?”
The pain was always there, in the background, gnawing at her heart. Sloan wiped her mouth and frowned. Her voice came out low. “Yes.”
“Did you walk away from him?”
“No. The other way around.”
“But,” Dilara said, opening her hands, “if you had been going with one another for a year and a half, why would he suddenly break it off with you? That’s what I don’t understand.”
Sloan’s mouth quirked. She told her the short version of what happened, and what she’d just found out a few days ago from Dan himself. Dilara’s expression saddened, and her eyes filled with sympathy as Sloan painted the picture for her.
“He has many childhood wounds to overcome,” Dilara murmured. “But you seem to be hopeful that you might get together again after that talk on the beach?”
Sighing, Sloan whispered, “I don’t really know. I want it, but I don’t know what Dan wants.”
“Getting nearly killed hours after such a talk hasn’t given Dan the time to absorb it at all,” Dilara agreed, frowning. She pushed her empty plate aside, picking up a cup of coffee between her slender hands.
“No, there’s been no time. And now, Dan will go through the whole emotional trauma of almost dying. That changes a person too. And I have no idea where he’s going to be after coming out of that.”
Tilting her head, Dilara pinned Sloan with her intense gaze. “What do you hope to get out of this? What is in your heart?”
Rolling her eyes, Sloan sat back in the black leather booth, her hands gripping the napkin in her lap. “Right or wrong, I’m an idealist. Dan’s a realist. I’ve tried so hard to not be an idealist when it comes to him.”
“But you love him. Yes? Because I hear it in your voice and I see it in your eyes, and in your face.”
Sloan’s mouth thinned. “I do love him. And I think I’m a fool for letting him back into my heart after that talk we had. Didn’t I learn my lesson the first time? That he can walk out whenever he feels threatened? Whenever his life parallels his mother’s life?”
“But four years have gone by. Dan, I’m sure, has changed. Matured.”
Blowing out a breath of air, her voice stricken, Sloan needed Dilara’s gentleness and understanding. The woman exuded it, and she felt embraced by her sincere care for her. “The truth? I don’t know.”
“Hmmm.” Dilara studied her for a moment. “What if I gave you a chance to find out? Would you have the courage to take it?”
“What do you mean? You can’t make Dan love me.”
She smiled faintly. “Of course I can’t. But what I can do, is put you in close proximity to him to find out.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I know Dan has a condo here in Alexandria.” Her voice lowered. “But what if, after Dan is ready to leave the hospital, he is taken to your home? I know you have a lovely turn-of-the-century house fifteen miles from Artemis. You have the bedrooms necessary, and we could bring in a medical bed for him and get everything set up. You would, of course, be his medical caretaker. Artemis would give you that eight weeks, with pay, to take care of him. What do you think about this idea?”
Sloan sat at the table in shock. Dilara felt so confident about the idea, but she didn’t. “It’s true; there are three bedrooms in my home.”
“And how do you feel having Dan underfoot for eight weeks?” Dilara inquired, folding her hands on the table and studying her.
“Oh,” she whispered, reeling, “I don’t honestly know.”
“But you were an 18 Delta combat medic when you were in the Army. You have incredible experience because you were slotted with Special Forces A teams for years. And I know that you helped save Dan’s life after he was shot. Who better than you, with such a wonderful medical background, to care for him during his convalescent period?”
Sloan tried to think. Her heart was jumping up and down for joy while her head was screaming at her that this was a terrible mistake to agree to have Dan in her house for two months. Searching Dilara’s blue eyes, she could feel the woman’s sincerity. She was well aware, via Dara, that Dilara was a matchmaker of some repute. Was that why she was suggesting this?
“I’m afraid,” Sloan admitted quietly. Pressing her hand to heart, she added, “I’m afraid to try again. He’s hurt me so badly before that it has literally taken me four years to recover from it.”
“Yet, you say that you still love him? That your love for Dan never really went away?” Dilara pressed.
“Yes,” Sloan slowly admitted. “It’s one thing to feel that and quite another to have Dan under my roof for eight solid weeks and me interacting with him daily.”
“Because?”
“Because just being around him triggers my love for him. I can’t stop myself from loving him. And I didn’t even know I still felt this way until I met him again at Port Sudan. I thought it was over, but I was wrong.”
“And you’re afraid that Dan doesn’t love you?”
“Yes. But even if he never got over me, he never reconnected with me in that four-year period.”
“Perhaps, “she said gently, giving her an understanding look, “he had buried it until you stepped back into his life?”
Rubbing her chest, her heart filled with grief and hurt, Sloan said, “Anything is possible. I didn’t have a chance to ask Dan about it.”
“But he told you that he wanted a second chance with you.”
“Yes.”
“And you hadn’t made up your mind on that yet?”
“That’s right. We’d just talked about this a few hours earlier before we landed and were attacked at the hangar. Neither of us had time to digest anything. Our lives were on the line.”
“Quite so,” Dilara agreed sagely, nodding. “My job, as I see it, is to heal people. We do that at Delos in many different ways. Sometimes, it’s providing them education, a way out and up from poverty by creating schools and bringing in teachers. At other times, it is giving an abused woman and her children a place of safety. When we can get her and her children within a Delos Safe House, we can not only care for them but also help the woman start a small business and livelihood. We can help rebuild her confidence, give her skills, and a way to make money for her and her children. At other times, we bring in agricultural experts, provide animals or tools so that these men and women can provide more food for their families and villages. And sometimes, it is the care of our brave, committed Delos employees that takes precedence. I care equally about them, about their lives and whether they are fulfilled and happy.”
“And you’re asking me to take Dan into my home?”
“Only if you want it. I would never force you to do something you don’t want to do.” Dilara sighed and tilted her head. “Love is never easy. Love is a crooked path that goes up and down at times. You yourself said that you love Dan. And he volunteered and asked you for a second chance. I know this is a very rocky, unsure moment for you. And neither of you has had the time to digest any of this. But my instincts, which are usually pretty good, tell me that Dan has matured and that he won’t treat you like his mother treated him and his father. He did it once. You and I can agree upon that. But that was four years ago. Your heart was gravely wounded by him, but you survived. And now, you both feel a pull toward one another again. Picking up where you left off. Because your love wasn’t ever given a real chance to flourish fully there at Bagram. Dan put many restrictive rules in place to protect himself. Now, it sounds to me as if he sees the error in his ways and he’s ready to try again, but without all those silly rules. Am I wrong about my assessment of you two so far?”
Glumly, Sloan shook her head. “No, you’re right on the money.”
“So? It’s not a question of whether you love Dan or not. It is a question of whether you dare to love and reach out to him again?”
“Yes.” Sloan pushed her uneaten breakfast aside, her stomach tight. “I always thought that courage was about putting yourself in the line of fire in a military sense,” Sloan offered quietly. She clasped her damp hands together and looked away for a moment, trying to gather her words because her emotions were running rampant. “I’m convinced that real courage is living. Not just surviving.”
“Indeed,” Dilara agreed gently. “Fear of living is huge in this world. When we know our heart can be wounded again, so many of us retreat, afraid of the same kind of pain once more. We avoid anything to do with opening up our hearts because of this.”
“And that’s where I’m at with Dan,” she admitted heavily.
“I wish I had a crystal ball to tell you that your love for Dan would eventually be given in return to you and that you could both live happily ever after with one another,” Dilara said, reaching out, and clasping her hands over Sloan’s. “Real love takes courage on both people’s part to transcend those earlier wounds.” She smiled a little, searching Sloan’s dark, grief-stricken eyes. “You nearly lost him just now. You can see that there are no guarantees in life. The people we love can be ripped from us in an instant. And yet, what do we do? Do we stop ourselves from loving them with all we have right now because it’s possible we’ll lose them someday? Nothing is forever. My husband, Robert, is the love of my life. Do I recognize that he could be ripped out of my life, at any moment? Yes. But I would rather love him than not love at all because I’m afraid of the hurt and grief I’ll feel afterward.”
Sloan felt like a coward when Dilara put it in that framework.
“Don’t forget,” Dilara said in a low, passionate voice, “that you have saved Dan’s life twice. Once in Afghanistan, and now, in Sudan. Don’t you think that God has greater plans for both of you, together? Have you looked at it from that perspective?”
Sloan slowly pulled her hands away from Dilara, staring at her, feeling as if a bolt of lightning had just sizzled through her. “No…I hadn’t seen it…”
“The woman is always stronger. We lead our man out of the brambles of their suppressed emotions, get them to feel again, to trust their feelings, and trust someone outside of themselves.”
“Did Robert have those kinds of issues?”
Dilara laughed lightly, placing her hands around her coffee cup once more. “Indeed, he did. But every man on this earth is stoved up emotionally. Our patriarchal world has told them they shouldn’t feel; they shouldn’t cry; they shouldn’t reach out for emotional sustenance. It is the woman that they fall in love with whose job it is to reacquaint them with their own heart.”
Sitting there, chewing on Dilara’s epiphany, Sloan said, “Then, I’m willing to try, but first, Dan has to approve this idea. If he wants to stay at his condo, I can’t live there with him. I need my home, too.”
“I completely agree. If Dan agrees to come to your home, then I would surmise that his love for you has transcended his fears. If he wants his condo? Then I shall hire a twenty-four-hour nursing company to care for him, instead.”
“That’s fair,” Sloan admitted. “But if things aren’t working out between us, Dilara? I want him moved to his condo. And you can get him the nursing care he needs.”
“Of course. You are in no way to give your heart away to a man who does not love you in return. We’re in complete agreement on that. And you can call me at any time and tell me to remove him from your home. It’s more important, I feel, to try one last time. And if you’ve given your heart to him and he doesn’t have the courage it takes to love you in return, then it’s not meant to be.”
Sadness filled Sloan over that last thought. “I know he loves me, Dilara. I saw it at Bagram, and I saw it in his eyes after we went scuba diving.”
“I always hold out hope for the hopeless,” she said, giving her a bright, warm smile. “You’re a courageous woman. I saw that in you from the first time I met you.”
“You are wise,” Sloan said, smiling a little.
“More important,” Dilara said, “is whether I have been able to fill you with the hope of possibility?”
“Yes,” Sloan murmured, “I feel so much more hope than I did before.”
“Good! Then, when Dan finally comes out of that drug coma, you can choose when to broach this with him.” She held up her fingers, crossing them. “And I will pray that he agrees to go to your home for recovery. When you live in a house that is filled with love, even the hardest person’s heart will eventually open up and blossom within it. I hope that happens between you and Dan.”
*
Dan’s heart pounded with joy when opened his eyes and realized that Sloan was standing next to his bed, her hand wrapped around his, smiling down at him. She had the face of an angel. Not that Dan knew what angels looked like, but to him, her expression was radiant, and her eyes filled with love, for him. The drugs made him vulnerable in ways that he had never been. Laying there, staring up at her, wiped away all his tension.
“Welcome back,” Sloan said, her smile increasing.
“Thanks,” he mumbled, his voice hoarse and painful. He looked around. “What happened?”
She wasn’t surprised by his question. She’d dealt with gunshot soldiers before, seen them at the Bagram hospital after they’d been flown in by medevac. There were often huge gaps in memory at first, and the event slowly trickled down in confusing bits and pieces to them. Speaking slowly, she gave him the short version of what happened because she knew Dan’s mind was still clouded with that morphine drip he was on. As she spoke, Sloan saw his eyes become murky, and she could feel a storm of emotions swirling around him. She tightened her hand around his.
“It was touch and go for a while with you, Dan.” Sloan wasn’t about to tell him that his heart stopped twice during surgery. Eventually, she would share that with him, but not right now. The fact that he’d almost died was enough of a burden to bear and work through.
“I’m glad we’re home,” he said gruffly, looking around the room. It was painted a light blue, a TV opposite the bed. His bed was slightly upright, easing the stress on the center of his body where his wound was at.
The loss of a kidney didn’t seem to faze him because she told him that really, a human only needed one to function normally. A second one was like a backup. She saw the darkness in his eyes, saw it in the slash of his mouth as he lay there digesting all that had happened to him.
“What about you, Sloan?” he asked, searching her eyes. “I don’t remember anything from the attack at the hangar.”
Making light of it, she told him about her leg wound. “It’s nothing on a scale of one to ten,” she added, shaking her head.
Dan studied her. “I can’t lose you,” he rasped, holding her hand in his. “This was too close, Sloan…too close…”
“It was too close,” she agreed.
“I wish…I wish I could remember what happened.”
“You will remember,” she promised. “It will all come back either in downloads, or you’ll have dreams about it.”
“Good that you know all this stuff,” Dan grumped. “I have my own doctor to guide me through this.”
“Indeed you do,” she said. “Dan? You’re going to go through a lot of dark emotions in the next week or so. Be prepared.” She caressed his jaw. “I’m here. You can talk with me if you want. Okay?”
“I wasn’t very good at talking with you before.”
“You remember that time?”
“Yes.” He swallowed hard. “I can remember everything four years ago, but nothing after that.”
“It’s the drugs still washing out of your system,” she soothed. “Don’t push it and relax. All your memories will come back.”
He slowly lifted his hand, trailing his fingers down her forearm. “Promise?”
“I promise,” she said, her flesh humming beneath his light, exploring touch. It was intimate, and Sloan hungrily absorbed this contact. Dan could be dead. But he was here, and he was going to make it.
“Are you going to go through it, too?”
“What?”
Dan grimaced. “About almost dying?”
“Yes, I’m going through it, too.”
“Then,” he said roughly, “I’m here for you, too. I want you to talk to me. Okay?”
Startled by his sudden insight and clarity, she stared, her lips parting momentarily. Dan had never offered her this kind of openness or unselfishness. Ever. Her mind spun with why. Did he somehow remember deep down inside himself their talk on the beach?
“Okay,” she whispered.
“Do you have to use crutches or a wheelchair to get around?”
Sloan shook her head, fighting back so much and struggling to look as if she was fine. “Listen,” she urged, “you’re looking tired. Do you feel like napping?”
“Will you be here when I wake up?”
Her lips curved. “I’ll always be here, Dan. You’re not getting rid of me that easily. Okay?”
He spread his fingers across her lower arm, squeezing it gently. “Okay. But I want you to take care of yourself, too.”
“No worries. Dara McKinley, Tal, and Dilara are making sure of that,” she said wryly. “Close your eyes, Dan. Rest. Sleep is the best healer you can have right now.”
He frowned and removed his hand from her arm. “Come sleep at my side, Sloan? Please?”
“I can’t…at least…not yet. Your surgery, Dan. If I move at all on that bed you’re lying on, it could tear your stitches. You need to be quiet and not be jostled.” She saw the disappointment in his expression.
“Well? Later then? When I’m better?”
She grinned as she saw a faint curve at the corners of his mouth. “I’d like that.” Sloan knew he had forgotten their talk. That was all right. Still, she wanted to lay against him, and hold him as someone she loved.