CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Thursday, October 5th
Feeling like ten tons of shit, Frisco completed his last rep on the weight machine and hoped the pounding in his head would stop soon. He’d had way too much to drink last night and was paying for his sins and figured this was just the beginning.
Hearing his name, he looked up and saw Mark approach. “Quit shouting.”
“You look like crap; what the hell happened?”
“I fucked up royally with Brooke, and I spent some quality time with a bottle of scotch down at the Salty Dog Bar.”
Mark sat down on the weight bench across from him and shook his head. “Start at the beginning so I know what we’re dealing with.”
“The abbreviated version is that Brooke went in yesterday for a spinal tap so her oncologist could determine if the leukemia she had as a child had relapsed. I told her I’d be there, and I was held up at the base all day and didn’t make it until the late afternoon.”
“Damn, brother, I’m sorry to hear that. Cancer sucks, and to think she may have to kick its ass again is shitty.”
“She thinks it isn’t cancer and her lack of energy is due to a flare-up of malaria or some other parasite she brought home from Africa.”
“That’s good news.” Crossing his arms, he waited. “How did you fuck up?”
“I didn’t get to the hospital till it was too late.”
“I get that she was probably disappointed, but you didn’t have a choice.”
“When Brooke had leukemia, the rear admiral showed up to the hospital once during her two-year battle and was barely home after that. Then, her mother had ovarian cancer, and Foster did almost the same thing. Not showing up when I said I would because of work is about the worst possible thing I could’ve done, because it triggers all the pain of rejection and abandonment she experienced as a child.”
“This is bad.”
Frisco looked up and let out an exasperated breath. “After her best friend told me in no uncertain terms that I should walk away, I started to realize that maybe I should.”
“Why in the hell would you do that?”
“Because I’m a selfish bastard and she deserves better than me. I may be down range within forty-eight hours if the intel comes in on Hamza bin Laden. Which means I’d be doing the exact same thing her father did. Choosing work over her. She could be here battling cancer, and I’d be on the other side of the world for God knows how long.”
“Do you love her?”
He looked down at his running shoes and felt his vision blur and his chest tighten up. He nodded and then looked up at his friend. “I’m in love with her, and I think the right thing to do is walk away so I don’t break her fucking heart by abandoning her just like her dad.”
“It doesn’t seem like a black-and-white situation.”
“I would rather cut off my arm than give her up, but not showing up for her is selfish.”
“And what does she have to say about all this?”
“I haven’t spoken with her yet; I left her a bunch of messages and haven’t heard anything yet.”
“So, you’re mind fucking yourself without even knowing how she feels.”
Raising his head, he shrugged. “Yeah.”
“How much longer do you have on your current enlistment?”
Grabbing the bottle of water off the ground, he took a long drink and then wiped his mouth. “I think it’s around eight months.”
“You’re thirty-three, so, if you’re lucky, you have another two or three years left on the Teams.”
“What’s your point?”
“If you have found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, then you’ve got some compromises to make if you want it to be possible. The hard question that you’ve got to answer is whether a relationship with Brooke is worth adjusting your life for.” He put up his hand and then went on. “I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but you have to do it. Because if you answer yes, then I bet you and Brooke can figure out how to make it work.”
“I have to give the rear admiral an answer today on joining the strike team that goes after Hamza.”
“Then I guess you better figure it out before you walk in.”
“I envy you in a way.”
“Why?” Mark asked.
“Because you didn’t have to make a choice; it was made for you when you were medically retired.”
“True, but when I had to make a choice about taking a senior advisor position and traveling, I did.”
“I don’t remember that.”
“You were down range when it happened. Birdie developed debilitating anxiety six months after Maddy was born, and she needed me here, so it took me five seconds to decide where I belonged. It wasn’t even hard, because, for me, there’s nothing more important than my wife and kids.”
“Maybe because I’m struggling with the decision to stay and be by Brooke’s side, I already have my answer.”
“It’s possible, but I think you should talk to her before you make a unilateral one.”
As he was about to respond, Blake ran into the workout room at full speed and skidded to a stop. “What the hell is going on?” Frisco asked as Blake bent over and rested his hands on his knees.
“Paige’s water broke.”
Mark stood up and moved toward his friend. “Let’s go get her and get you guys to the hospital.”
Blake stood and looked around the room blindly for a second. “Right. Good idea.”
“Now, we should go now.”
“Roger that,” Blake responded. He punched Mark in the arm. “I’m about to become a father.”
“Better go so she can have the baby in the hospital and not the car.”
Blake didn’t respond and turned and ran out of the room.
“Good luck,” Frisco called out as Mark followed Blake. “Hope you guys don’t forget to pick up Paige.”
He stood still for a moment and thought about what Mark had said and knew he was right. He needed to take a minute and really decide which way he wanted his life to go. Was he ready to end his career on the Teams after his enlistment was up and see if Brooke would have him, or should he stay for as long as his body and mind would hold out?
Thinking of his friends with their families sure made him want that for himself and Brooke, but he wasn’t sure if he was ready to give up his place on the Teams.
He grabbed his bottle of water and towel and headed for the pool. Maybe an hour of laps would provide some clarity.
***
Checking his phone before he walked into the rear admiral’s office, Frisco saw that Brooke had finally replied to his invitation. He read her response and felt a smile cross his face, because she agreed to meet him on the beach for a walk.
An hour in the water had provided some clarity, and he knew that a conversation with Brooke was necessary before he made his next move. If the rear admiral needed a definitive answer either way, he was going to have to give up his spot on the team that was going after Hamza.
It tore his gut to think he wouldn’t be there when Hamza was captured, but he’d give it up if that was what it came to. As he lifted his hand to knock, he heard Rear Admiral Delman call his name. Standing, he snapped off a salute, “Sir.”
“Come in and let’s discuss what you and your men have come up with.”
“Of course.” He followed his commander into the office and waited to take a seat. When Delman motioned for him to take one, he sat down.
“What are the men telling you?”
“They all want a place on the platoon and are looking forward to the mission.”
“And you?’
Clearing his throat, he looked his commander in the eye and responded. “If you need an absolute yes or no today, then I’ll have to say no.”
“Forget all the formal crap and tell me what’s going on, Lieutenant.”
“It’s personal, sir.”
Motioning for Frisco to go on, he sat back and waited. “I can sit here all day, son.”
“My girlfriend is waiting to hear the results from some medical tests, and I may need to stay on base for the duration of my down cycle so that I can be available.”
“Might I need to offer you congratulations?”
“No, sir, nothing like that.”
“If you want to talk about anything, I’m here. I’ve known you since walked onto the base and entered BUD/S, so I might be a good person to bounce something off of.”
“My girlfriend may be fighting cancer for the second time and, if that’s the case, I’d like to be around as much as I can to offer my support.”
“I’m sorry, Lieutenant.”
“Thank you, sir.”
Delman rapped his knuckles on the desk and nodded. “You are making the right decision, as far as I’m concerned.”
Studying his commander’s face for his sincerity, he realized he meant exactly what he said. “I appreciate that, and if it was any other time, I’d be more than ready to take on the mission.”
“One thing I’ve learned over the last sixteen years is that this war on terror is never-ending. When we take out the top commanders of one faction, another one pops up. This thing we’ve got going on now is a snake with a hundred heads, and I don’t see a day in my lifetime that we’re not going to be going after someone.”
“It’s all I’ve ever known, because when I joined at twenty-two, we were already knee-deep in jihadists.”
“And they’ve anointed the new Crown Prince of Terror, Hamza bin Laden, and after him, there will be a new one. Gives us an incredible amount of job security, and it also lets us know that we’re playing the long game here and this is not a matter of taking out a top guy and then being done with it. This is a marathon, and the last thing I want to do is burn out my men on a fifty-meter sprint when we’ve got miles and miles of direct-action mission ahead of us.”
“I appreciate that, sir, and I’ll try to keep that in mind when I have my platoon down range and we’re going out night after night, week after week.”
“I know Hamza feels like a big capture because of what he represents, but the everyday business we engage in is just as important.”
“I understand that.”
“Don’t get me wrong, we want him in our custody, but we know it’s going to take more than a minute to accomplish it. This kid could turn out to be a highly effective leader, not only because of his family pedigree and dynastic marriage to al Masri’s daughter, but because he’s charismatic and is close to all of al-Qaeda’s senior operatives.”
“He’s never been in battle, though, and I think that ultimately is going to trip him up.”
“We can only hope it does, because right now, every time we get a bead on his location, he vanishes.”
“Yeah, the platoon and I enjoyed his Casper the Ghost act for a month out in Qatar.”
The rear admiral checked his phone and then sat up. “I’m due for a briefing in ten minutes, so I’m going to head over to the conference room.” Frisco stood and shook the rear admiral’s hand. “Thank you, sir.”
“I expect to be updated should something change in your personal situation.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Tell Brooke that I’m sending her my best wishes.”
Frisco’s head popped up, and he stared at his commander as his brain scrambled for a response.
“Don’t look so surprised. What kind of commander would I be if I didn’t keep up with the scuttlebutt?”
“Of course. I’ll pass on your regards to Brooke.”
“My wife and Nancy Foster were the best of friends back in the day, and I have to tell you, the idea of Brooke battling cancer for a second time makes me angrier than I’d like to admit.”
“Hoping it’s a flare-up of malaria and nothing more.”
“That’s right, she’s been with MSF for years. My wife keeps in touch with Brooke and Chance, and I seem to remember her saying something about Brooke being overseas.”
“She just returned from Chad, and I’m praying we’re dealing with…anything other than cancer.”
“Amen,” the rear admiral replied quietly.
Frisco walked out of the office and felt a hundred times better and also a hundred times worse, because he didn’t know if he was still part of we. According to Piper, he should just slip quietly away and let someone better come along. But…fuck, he didn’t want to.
Realizing the round and round of guessing wasn’t going to get him anywhere, he decided to wait and see what she wanted. Until then, he was going to hold on to the small sliver of hope that somehow, they could find a way to be together.
***
Brooke sat on the sand and looked out at the low tide moving in and out and felt the peace of Mother Nature’s repetition filling her mind. In her heart, she knew the cancer hadn’t returned, and whatever was going on was going to be a relatively easy fix.
This little aide-mémoire of what was possible simply was the universe’s way of reminding her what was important.
What was important enough to pay attention to.
Love, loyalty…happiness.
All worthy things.
She’d had a taste of each over the last few weeks, and it was enough to let her know what she wanted to look for in the next chapter. Malaba had been right when she predicted that someone was going to come along and show her what was possible. The next step was up to her. What the hell that would be was still a mystery, but at least she had a direction to move in.
Living fully with all the colors and all the emotions…all the possibilities was certainly going to be what she focused on. But it wasn’t going to be with Frisco.
As much as she would like it to be, it simply wasn’t a good choice. A smart choice. He had a career that was going to take him all over the world for the foreseeable future with something bigger and more important than anything she had to offer.
Resting her head on her knees, she studied the gulls skimming the waves and decided that riding the current was always a better choice than trying to go against it. Hearing her name, she turned and saw Frisco walking her way. Lifting her hand, she waved and saw the latest class of squids off in the distance enjoying what the instructors lovingly liked to call surf torture.
“Hi, sweetheart,” he said as he collapsed next to her on the sand.
“Hey, Frisco.”
He lifted her hand, covered it with his, and ran his fingers over her skin. “Thank you for agreeing to a walk.”
“Sure.”
Moving closer, he tipped his head against hers and took in a breath. “I’m so sorry that I got caught at work, because there was no place that I wanted to be more than by your side.”
“Don’t worry about it. It was easy, and the procedure was completely uneventful.”
“But…”
Covering his mouth with her hand, she shook her head. “Don’t give it another thought.”
“Because you never want to see me after today, or because…?”
“Frisco, we’ve had a month of amazing experiences together, and the four or five dates we’ve shared in no way obligate you to share the road I may or may not be about to embark on. We barely know one another, and taking me out a couple of times doesn’t mean that you need to upend your life so you can be at a routine hospital test.”
“Brooke, if that’s what you think the last month has been, then we’ve been having two completely different experiences.”
Leaning away, she let out a laugh. “Pretty sure that’s what happens between men and women all the time. One thinks it’s champagne and roses, and the other thinks it’s nothing more than a hookup.”
“In case you were wondering, I’m taking the champagne-and-roses view. Hearts, flowers, Cupids, and whatever romantic shit you can come up with.”
“Oh, Frisco, we’re not meant for more than what we’ve had.”
Sitting up straight, he shook his head. “No!”
Scooting away, she crossed her legs and gave him a sympathetic smile. “Life is life. Sometimes it’s beautiful and sometimes it’s hard. And we’re not in a place where we’re going to do one another a bit of good. The things I need are not what you have to give and vice versa. You can’t tangle yourself with me at this point in your career. I know what it looks like, and I don’t need to see the movie again.”
“Whatever happens between us is not what happened between your parents. We have our own story, and it can be whatever we make it.”
“When are you wheels up?”
“What?”
“You heard me. You were called into a briefing yesterday and the only way that would have happened during your down cycle was if you were about to go wheels up.”
“Any day now, if I take a spot on the platoon.”
“I should know by tomorrow what I’m dealing with, so if God has decided that I need to take this battle on again, I’ll be starting chemo on Monday. If I’m lucky, I can beat the shit out of cancer in a year or two, and during that time, I’ll be filling my body with poison and then radiating the shit out of it until there’s nothing left. Trust me, you don’t want a seat at the horror show this disease is. I wouldn’t want you to be there.”
“What if I want to be?”
“That’s the thing about having cancer, you win all the arguments. Who the hell wants to piss off a cancer patient?”
“That is the crappiest thing I’ve ever heard.”
Brooke looked down at her hands. “No, it’s not. Hearing you have leukemia is, and hearing your mom has six weeks to live is.”
Scooting closer, Frisco took Brooke in his arms, held her tightly, and swallowed loudly. “You can’t get rid of me.”
“Let’s just keep the memories that we’ve made and cherish them.”
“I want to make a thousand more together.”
“That’s not our story, Frisco. Our story is some amazing nights in Africa and…” Brooke looked up and saw tears gather in Frisco’s eyes and knew what she had to do. “Don’t be a big baby and start crying. You’re a damn SEAL and have an op to get ready for.” Leaning forward, she gave him a sweet kiss and then pulled away. “Thank you for giving me some amazing memories.” She uncrossed her knees and then stood. “Be safe out there, and I’ll see you when I see you.”
Giving him one last smile, she turned and walked away, praying she kept her tears at bay until she got farther down the beach. Once she had passed the first condo building, she started to take regular breaths and realized she was more like her mother than she ever realized. In fact, if Nancy Foster had witnessed the conversation, she would definitely approve.
Fuckity, fuck… She was her mother, and for the first time, she understood with crystal clarity exactly what she’d done in shielding her father from the worst of her fight with cancer.
Hell, she totally one hundred percent got it because, after only a month with Frisco, she had no desire for him to be around; she couldn’t imagine what her mom had felt.
Which made her realize that this whole thing was meant to teach her all kinds of things, not the least of which was that perhaps her mother and father’s story was one she didn’t understand.
Thinking of Frisco’s face, she felt nausea roll up and quickly swallowed it down. It had to be done; she had to let him off the hook and make him believe she had no interest in his presence. Which, truthfully, she didn’t, because there was no way she was going to let him witness the utter destruction that cancer wreaked on a mind and body.
Better he should remember the night in Zakouma and nothing else. That was a memory worth holding on to.