Chapter 9
She couldn’t put into words her overall sense of relief as she was welcomed back into the main camp. Even after being picked up at the rendezvous point, the drive had taken hours. She was happy to hear she wouldn’t return to the outpost. At the base camp, the other nurses quickly ushered the two kidnap victims into a medical tent where they were checked over. That’s when she realized she was covered in blood. It wasn’t her blood. It was blood from the man with the gunshot wound in the spine.
She explained how they’d been trying to help one of the rebels, and that’s why she was bloody. Still, she was exhausted in more ways than one. Not just from being kidnapped, held hostage and the panicked escape, but also because of a deeper internal exhaustion from the emotional release of finally telling Ryder about why she’d walked away. Something she should have done a long time ago. Although she wasn’t sure she had gotten to the bottom of it all even now. It had taken her a lot of personal introspection to get this far. Sometimes answers came as she woke, and other times she found nuggets of illumination at odd times during the day.
With tears threatening, she finally made it to her tent. She’d only been gone a few days, but it felt like a fine homecoming. She stared at her bed with longing. If only she could just collapse, but a shower had to come first. She grabbed her bags, pulled out a change of clothing and walked to the showers. She took close to a half hour under the heated water. Her hair required two shampoos and a lot of conditioner to untangle, plus, she still had her stitches to watch out for.
She was also hungry, but she didn’t think she could get anything down right now. As she headed back to her bed, her steps faltered as she looked up to see Ryder standing in front of her tent.
He studied her quietly. “How about food first?”
She wrinkled her face at him. “I’m not sure I can keep anything down.”
“Won’t hunger wake you in the night?”
Memories of those particular hot nights shared with him flashed through her mind. How well he knew her. How intimately he knew her evenings, at least the three they’d spent together. She took a deep breath and shook her head. “I doubt anything will wake me up.” She glanced at her watch and sighed. “Probably have to be up in a few hours anyway.”
Which was too bad as she wanted to go with him because time with him was precious.
“I doubt it. Carbs and protein right now will help you sleep better.”
She dropped her dirty clothes in the laundry bag, hung the towel at the end of the bed and turned to him with a smile. “All right, let’s try to get a little bit down.”
He smiled and held out a hand.
She stared at it in wonder. “Does that mean you forgive me?”
He frowned. “I don’t know,” he said honestly. “I’d like to think so. So how about we take a few steps toward each other and see if we can make this work?”
“Make what work?” She casually reached out and placed her hand in his, loving the feeling as his fingers closed around hers. But she was jerked forward, hard, up tight against his chest. Being in his arms was foreign yet … not. Lord, she wanted to be part of Ryder’s life again. His firm body at her fingertips just made her want so much more. She peered up and stared into his eyes. The darkness that told her nothing. “I really didn’t mean to hurt you.”
He gave her a quick nod. “That I believe.” Then he turned with an arm around her shoulders, walking her toward the food. “I still don’t understand how any of what you said caused me to lose my best friend for so long.”
She smiled at still being called his best friend. They’d been the best of friends for so long. She wanted to be more. But she’d take what she could get for now. She was so damn grateful for a lot of things in her life, and Ryder was one of the biggest. At the same time, she had to admit to the hope she found in her heart at his words. She had missed him. For more reasons than she could ever have counted. With her arm around his back, she squeezed him close. “Because I’m an idiot. I’ve hated every day we’ve been apart.”
“So I suggest we turn back the clock and start again.” He laughed. “How about it?”
She gave him a surprised smile. “Okay,” she said slowly. “That might work.” He still hadn’t mentioned that weekend between them except in passing. The weekend she could never forget.
“It’ll work if we want it to work,” he said with spirit. “So fill me in on what I missed. What have you been up to?”
In friendly neutral territory, she slowly brought him current on her life, not that there was much to report. She’d spent a lot of it alone, a lot of it with Mac—platonically—and a lot of it at work. She hadn’t had another relationship since him. Although she’d tried. She didn’t tell Ryder about that though. At the same time, she didn’t want to bring up Mac’s name either, not when she and Ryder were on a more friendly footing. “I should have contacted you earlier,” she said abruptly.
“It would’ve been nice if you had,” he said quietly. “But it’s all good.”
And she remembered that about him. That easygoing, laid-back, everything was always good mentality. Now at the mess tent, she stopped, wishing she didn’t have to go in. She was too tired to eat.
Ryder wrapped an arm around her again and tugged her closer. “It’s okay. If you want to take it back to your tent, we’ll do that.”
Once again memories broke through her consciousness. She shook her head. “No, let’s just grab something fast.”
In line with a tray in hand, she walked down the short aisle. She didn’t think she could handle anything too greasy. A comfort food for her was oatmeal.
Thankfully one of the cooks knew what she had been through, and he asked her if he could get her something.
With a wan smile she asked, “Any chance I could get a hot bowl of oatmeal?”
His eyes lit up. “Absolutely. Back in a minute.”
She didn’t know where he got it from, but in a few minutes he came back with a very large bowlful, likely two times as much as she could possibly eat.
The top was covered with raisins, nuts and coconut. He gave her a little bowl of brown sugar and a cup of cream. With a smile he said, “This should help fix you up.”
She shook her head. “There is enough here for both of us.”
The cook nodded toward Ryder and the large tray he’d filled. “Only if he eats that tray full as well. Otherwise, he’d starve on half a bowlful.”
She walked over to the coffee corner and stood, staring at it. But her mind was too tired to function. Ryder came up beside her and nudged her away. “Forget about the coffee. We don’t want you staying awake.”
“Right.” She knew that. But, in her state of her mind, she couldn’t quite fathom her way through it all. At his urging, she kept going until she reached an empty table. She sat down with a heavy thunk and stared at the bowl. It seemed to get bigger the longer she looked at it. “No way I’m eating all this.”
He reached over, placed a spoon in her hand. “Just start,” he urged.
She shot him a look, raised the spoon and took her first bite. She added a bit of the brown sugar and the entire amount of cream. She smiled. “It looks so much better with cream on it.”
“As long as you can eat it, it doesn’t matter what it looks like. You need food.”
She watched as he dug into a plateful of protein—sausages and eggs and bacon. She shook her head. “How can you possibly eat that much right now?”
He laughed. “I’m not crashing for a few hours yet.” And he picked up a whole link sausage, and, in three bites, it was gone.
She stared. “I shouldn’t be surprised. But, for some reason, I find myself shocked.”
He tilted his head and grinned. “Don’t you remember?”
She flushed. Of course she remembered. They’d spent many a meal feeding each other, teasing each other. All as best friends. Not understanding, at the time, it had really been years of foreplay. She had lots of fun memories. And, when they’d been in bed together, things had been different. They’d raced past friendship and fun into intimacy … and love. Why had she let it get her so out of sorts? Why had she let it drive them apart? Something like that should’ve brought them together. Instead, she had let it come between them and had rejected him when that was the last thing she’d wanted to do. But he had no clue about that as she’d never talked to him again until now. How horrible. He had bared his soul, and she had walked away, shattered for all the wrong reasons.
She was too tired now to work it out. As if in auto mode she filled her spoon, took it to her mouth and ate. When she slowed down, he urged her again.
She made it through three-quarters of her meal and put down her spoon. “I’m done. In more ways than one.”
He’d eaten all his food and sat eyeing her bowl.
She laughed. “Do you want the rest of mine?”
“Nope.” He pointed at her bowl. “Eat the last nuts off the top to get a bit more protein.”
She groaned. “Damn. All right.” She picked up her spoon, scooped the nuts off the top and popped them into her mouth. She laid her spoon back down. “That’s it. No more.” She stared at his plate. “Do you need more?”
He shook his head. “I’ll wait until lunch.”
She struggled to get up. “I really have to lie down. I’m almost too exhausted to walk.”
He hopped up and came to help. He pushed her chair out of the way and gave her his arm to hold on to. They went out the back, and, within minutes, she was at her own quarters. She didn’t think she’d ever had any sense of relief like she did when she collapsed on top of her bed.
“Don’t you want to get under the covers?” he asked.
“Too much effort,” she mumbled.
He nodded. “I’ll grab you another blanket.”
Her eyes drifted closed. A blanket soon covered her and tucked up against her shoulders. “Thank you.”
She let sleep reach out for her. Just as she went under, she thought a whisper of a ghostly kiss landed on her cheek. But since only Ryder was beside her, she knew she had to be wrong. He was a long way away from kissing her. Unfortunately.
*
Ryder stood at the end of her bed and watched as the exhaustion carried her under. She’d been a trooper. He hadn’t expected her to walk as far as they had to reach their transport. Thankfully they’d met up with their ride for the rest of the trip. She’d been silent after that. Detached. Maybe distancing herself from the heavy emotions that threatened to overwhelm her earlier. You learned a lot about a person when they were in trouble. Caitlyn had never disappointed him yet. She was a good person.
He was still too shocked and astonished at her explanation for their breakup to really analyze it. He wanted to believe it. At the same time, it was hard to consider she hadn’t contacted him because she felt he deserved better.
That had blown him away. To him she had always been a bright, bubbly, happy teenager who had turned into a beautiful young woman—confident, glowing, secure in her own femininity and sexuality. He’d always wanted her, but she’d never noticed. She’d always been after some other male.
He hadn’t had a chance. Until that one weekend when she saw him as a man and not just a friend. He didn’t even know how it came about, but, when he finally held her in his arms, nothing held him back. He’d wanted her for so long. Never would he have thought taking that step would mean losing her. On the other hand, where they were right now was way better than where they had been two years ago. He’d been hurt, devastated that she wouldn’t return his calls—which made her original rejection even worse.
Especially after declaring his feelings he’d kept hidden for so long. He was a straightforward guy. If asked a question, he’d give an honest answer. Staring down at her as she slept, he realized nothing had changed. He still wanted her. But he wanted all of her. Not to be just friends. Not a casual weekend. He wanted her to want him the same way. Heart. Mind. Soul. He spun and left her room only to find Corey outside waiting for him.
With a quick assessing gaze, Corey put his hands on his hips and said, “Ryder, you should not be going down this path again.”
Ryder gave a headshake. “Not planning on it. We’re friends.” He emphasized the word friends, knowing Corey wouldn’t believe him, but Ryder wasn’t ready to explain what he was still trying to understand.
“There is no friends between you two. Not now. Not after what you shared.”
“When did you get in?” Ryder asked, hoping to change the subject as he walked toward his quarters.
“An hour ago. We got word you picked up both Caitlyn and the doctor, got them back safe.”
“Are you off duty?” Ryder asked, realizing his fatigue had settled in. It was more emotional and psychological than physical, but one always affected the other.
“We all are until 1300 hours.”
Ryder checked his watch, then nodded. “Good.” At his quarters he found the others already getting ready to crash. He walked to his bed, prepared to do the same. Just because this particular rebel episode was over didn’t mean the team wouldn’t be called out again. Ryder hoped not. He’d been on his feet for well over thirty hours.
The last thought as he dropped off to sleep was how he hoped Caitlyn slept soundly. For their relationship it was a whole new day. A whole new beginning.
He hoped it would be a better one.