Thursday 23^rd December

We were packing to go to the beach, and the bloody stroller wouldn’t fit in the boot.

“We should have bought a ute.” I turned back to Jess. She was standing there holding the bag with Isabelle’s clothes in. We’d had this conversation before. I wasn’t even sure why I wanted one.

“Can’t put a car seat in a ute.” Jess was in this tiny white singlet, Daisy Duke’s, jandals, legs to her armpits, hair flying.

She holds my soul in her hand. We’ve been married two years and now she’s careful with it.

“Yeah.” I smiled at her. She smiled back. I’m pretty careful with her soul too. Learned that lesson a couple of times.

I hauled the stroller out of the boot, put it down on the grass with the rest of the stuff we’d need to fit in the new car.

We’d just bought the bloody thing, we could afford it because Harry’s paying us properly now Stadium is a success. But the stroller wouldn’t fit.

Unbelievable. Should have bought a SUV.

Jess went over grabbed the thing by the handles, put her foot on the axle and hauled it upright. “Maybe Denis will take it to the bach for us,” she said. “I’ll ring him, he’ll have room.”

That’s because he had a ute. And no wife. And no kid. And he bought the ute so he could take his motorbike out to Patetonga and race motocross. When did I last ride my bike? Six months ago?

I had enough sense not to say anything about that. I picked up the bag with the dive gear, put it in the boot and moved the bag of Christmas presents over a bit.

I couldn’t dive last year, we didn’t have room for the gear. Do you know how much stuff you need if you take a baby to the beach for a month?

Jess touched me on the shoulder then kissed me on the cheek as she went past. I slid my hand around her waist, dragged her back and kissed her too. Then she giggled, disengaged and pushed the stroller away. As she walked back to the house she wiggled her arse and smiled at me over her shoulder.

Isabelle has learned to sleep all night. And the night before she went to sleep early. Jess and I were going to have a coke while we watched TV. I went to get a couple of cans, but we were down to the last one. I gave it to Jess. She pulled the tab off, took a few sips, looked at me speculatively, then leaned over and kissed me. I could feel the cool stickiness of the coke slide down my chin. She licked it up.

I’m not slow, I took the can off her, touched the rim against her bottom lip and she parted her lips a fraction. When I tipped the can a little of the coke went into her mouth and the rest trickled down her neck. I leaned forward and followed the cool, sticky trail with my tongue lapping it up, finishing at the hollow between her breasts.

I hadn’t got it all and a small brown stain spread over the little white top thing she was wearing. I moved back up to her lips and watched the half smile appear. She took the can of coke off me and had a sip again. Holding my gaze she made a dribble with her tongue from the corner of my mouth to my shoulder blade then moved her lips over the trail back to mine.

Then I should have taken my turn, but I turned out the light. I figured it wasn’t the type of game that needed a lot of light. The flickering from the television did a pretty good job of showing us what we needed to see.

This time I held the can, studying her, and planning where the next trail would start. I tipped a trickle onto her shoulder and let it run down her arm and then followed with my mouth to her fingers. She drew in a breath, then she lifted my T-shirt over my head and had another sip of coke. She let it dribble from the hollow at the base of my throat to the top of my jeans and followed it with her tongue. I could feel my stomach muscles tightening.

I pulled away from her, watched her face as I pushed the straps off her shoulders, and eased the top down to her waist, so her nipples stared at me like two eyes. A trickle of coke slid down her back from her shoulder to the base of her spine. I turned her around and followed the coke with my mouth tasting her skin.

Then it was her turn.

Then mine.

Then hers.

Then suddenly we’re just a tangle of arms and legs on the floor all enthusiasm and energy.

We made one hell of a mess.

But fuck it was fun.

Jess took the stroller to the back deck, hauled it up the steps, left it on the decking and went inside.

Isabelle was sitting there on the steps. She’d been watching us try to pack up the car. At the rate we were going we’d be lucky if we made it to the bach by Boxing Day.

She slid off the step, ran over to where I was standing and we both studied all the gear we were still meant to fit in the car.

“Poppa?” she asked.

“Yeah” I said, “You’ll see Poppa soon.” After a year and a bit, and the whole Laura, hose incident, that Poppa has just about accepted I know which daughter I’m married to.

We finally left for the beach and got there in time for dinner.

Monday 27^th December

We’ve been at the bach nearly a week. Christmas is over. It will be New Year in a couple of days. Jess, Issy and I share one of the sleepouts. It’s a tip with the three of us in it and all the baby gear. But we spend most of the time on the beach anyway. Yesterday, late afternoon, and Jess was sitting on the sand hills with Laura, two shadows against the sky, watching me and Denis surfcasting in the sunset. Isabelle was digging in the sand.

I waded into the water waist deep and cast, a faint whir echoed back as the line took the bait and sinker out beyond the last set of breakers.

I walked backwards until I was on the sand again, parked the rod in the holder, sat beside Denis and watched the dark water, the trickle of line running into it then disappearing.

After a while Jess called out, “It’s getting dark. Are you going to pack up soon?”

“Yeah,” said Denis. “We’ll come up in a minute.”

“We’ll go back now then.” I looked back. Jess and Laura were standing up brushing the sand off their shorts. Isabelle was watching them. She stood up. Jess and Laura went through the gap in the sand hills and Isabelle followed. A breeze whipped the sand up around her little legs and her feet left tiny impressions beside Jess and Laura’s tracks.

I stood too and took the rod out of the holder. Denis started pulling up the line. I wound it up.

“Doesn’t feel like we’ve got anything,” said Denis.

“Nah, sausages for tea again.” It was about ten minutes before we got back to the bach. Jess and her mum were getting the barbecue going, and Laura was coming out of the bach carrying a tray of meat.

Jess came over to me and Denis. “Where’s Isabelle?” she asked.

“She came back with you.”

“I left her with you.” Jess’s eyes were huge in the twilight.

Fuck. I was swirling, starting to panic, heart hammering in my ears. The last I saw, Isabelle wandered into the sandhills after Jess and Laura. I thought Jess realised that Isabelle was going with her.

Jess’s dad came behind Laura carrying a couple of salads. He noticed the deadly silence and the panic on our faces.

“What’s happened.”

“They’ve lost Isabelle. Isaac thought she was with Jess,” said Laura.

“I thought she was with him.” Jess nodded at me.

“When did you last see her, Isaac?” Yeah, he’d see this as my fault.

“Following Jess back to the bach.”

“Right,” said the dad. “Grab torches in case we don’t find her straight away, but she can’t have gone far.” Just straight into the ocean or on to the road. Nobody said that.

“I’ll bring the torches to you.” Laura went inside. “You start looking.”

“Right.” Jess’s mum and dad ran for the road. I raced back across the lawn. Jess and Denis followed me. We were all moving fast, calling.

“Isabelle.”

“Izzy.”

“Isabelle.” It was one of those waking nightmares, where you can’t move fast enough to keep up with your brain. It imagines everything.

Her squashed.

Her drowned.

Her abducted.

Jess headed straight for the water, splashed into the shallows screaming, “Izzy, Izzy.” Then she tore along the edges of the moorings and around the boats.

When Laura got back with the torches, she stayed with Jess. So, I went into the sand hills. I figured that’s where I last saw Isabelle.

It was only seconds before I found her sitting in the grass. I think she’d just realised she was alone because her face screwed up when she saw me like she was going to cry.

“Hey,” I said.

“Daddy!” Her arms reached for me, and I scooped her up. She held on tight, and I ran with her back down to Jess. It felt like running through quicksand. My feet slid a little with each step. Jess was completely wet and duck-diving around the boats. Laura yelled at her when she saw us.

Jess waded to the water’s edge then ran at us. “You found her. You found her,” she said over and over. She hugged us both crying and laughing and running her fingers through Isabelle’s hair checking she was all right.

“I’ll go and tell Mum and Dad,” said Denis and took off though the sand hills.

We got back to the bach. I was still holding Isabelle. I stood in the middle of the lounge. Jess sat at the table. She lay her head on her hands on the table top, and sat there, soaking wet, shivering and sobbing.

I didn’t want to let Isabelle go. I held on to her real tight. I was crying too. Denis, Laura and their mum and dad came in.

Jess looked up at me. “I left her with you.” She was really angry, all red eyes, and tear stained cheeks.

“She was with you.” I yelled at her for first time ever. “You should have been watching her.”

“You had her,” Jess screeched back, and her dad hissed from the door. “Stop it you two. You’re frightening her.” And took Isabelle off me.

The mum went to Jess and hugged her. “You’re cold and wet,” she said. Jess nodded, and her mum looked over at me. I was still standing there in the middle of the room, lost.

“Isaac go and run a bath,” said Jess’s mother. She made Jess stand up and pushed us both at the bathroom. “We’ll look after Isabelle.”

We could hear the others in the lounge talking quietly, having dinner, doing the dishes and sometimes we heard Isabelle giggling. We soaked in the bath, kept adding hot water, let out some cold and added some more hot. Jess washed me, I washed her.

Amazing what you can get away with when you’re married.

When I got up this morning, it was early. Jess was still asleep. Isabelle was inside the bach with her grandparents. I guess she was still asleep too. I slid my guitar from under the bed and went outside.

I sat on the steps of the deck and played quietly for a while. Then the back door of the bach opened and Isabelle came out.

“Daddy, ‘tar,” she said. I had heard someone get up, and there had been kettle boiling sounds. Jess’s mum poked her head out the door.

“She all right with you, Isaac?” she asked.

“Yeah.” We could have lost her yesterday. I don’t know how anyone could cope with that. Those few minutes when I didn’t know where she was felt like an eternity. I kept playing. Jess’s mum’s head popped back in. I guessed she was on her way back to bed. Maybe Isabelle didn’t sleep all night last night.

Isabelle came and sat on the steps beside me.

“Couldn’t sleep either?” I asked. She looked up at me and grinned.

We almost lost her. Weren’t careful enough. From now on, I’m not going to let her out of my sight.

I gave Old McDonald a whirl just for her then went back to my stuff. Isabelle put her elbow on her knee and her chin on her fist. Funny about little kids, ask them to put their hands on their heads they can hardly reach, but when they sit like that it works.

She didn’t seem to mind what I was playing. She just sat there listening.

She likes music.

Maybe she’ll be the rock star.

It’s back to work next week for me.