Chapter 32
Rose
‘ROSE.’
Angus’s voice rouses me from sleep and I’m disoriented as I come to.
‘What the hell have you been doing?’ His face is white with rage.
I realise with horror that I’ve fallen asleep on my bed, in amongst some of Phoebe’s clothes. In fact, I’m still wearing one of her favourite going-out outfits: a navy shift dress and black high heels.
‘I wanted to feel closer to her,’ I whimper, getting down from the bed. His eyes rake over me from head to toe and his mouth drops open.
‘Have you been playing dress up?’ he asks with disbelief, backing out of the room.
‘Gus, I’m sorry!’ I call after him, stumbling in the heels.
I chase after him as he storms into his bedroom where everything is exactly as I left it. Jesus.
‘I’m really sorry,’ I say as he swoops down and scoops up a bundle of clothes.
‘Get her things!’ He points out of the door in the direction of my bedroom. I’ve never seen him so angry.
‘I’ll do it,’ I start to say. ‘I’ll tidy up. Just go into the living room and wait.’
‘Get them now!’ he bellows at me.
I run out of his room and grab Phoebe’s clothes from my bed, hurrying back in time to see him roughly shoving her possessions into the boxes.
‘Gus, please,’ I beg. ‘I’ll fold them up again.’
He storms over to me and I flinch as he snatches the items from my arms, turning to stuff them into the nearest box. He yelps suddenly, and I freeze. I tentatively step forward and place my hand on his back, and then he loses it completely.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I murmur. We’re both sitting on the sofa in the living room, nursing cups of tea, but the last hour has been hell.
I’ve never seen Angus like that before. He’d already moved to this apartment in Manchester when Phoebe died and I was still in London, so I wasn’t on-hand to witness his immediate grief. Now he is utterly distraught and he hasn’t wanted me to touch him so I haven’t known what to do with myself. I’ve had to watch while he’s sobbed his heart out like a baby, all the while keeping me at bay.
He’s no longer crying and he accepted my offer of tea, but asked me to get changed back into my own clothes first.
‘I shouldn’t have gone into your room,’ I say.
‘No, you shouldn’t have,’ he agrees in a low voice, blowing on the hot liquid in his cup.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I say again, totally ashamed. ‘I’ll never go in there again,’ I find myself vowing. ‘I just wanted to tidy it.’
‘You don’t have to do that, Rose,’ he says, a little exasperated now.
‘I was just trying to help.’
‘I know, but please don’t.’
My face heats up. There I go again, dishing out help where it’s not wanted.
‘What time is it?’ I ask, stifling a yawn.
He checks his watch. ‘One o’clock.’
‘We’re going to be knackered in the morning. Where were you tonight?’ I ask.
He looks uncomfortable and doesn’t reply instantly. Is this the time for our heart-to-heart? No. I’m not sure either of us can stomach it.
‘Come on, then, we’d better get to sleep,’ I say.
He nods, standing up.
‘Hug?’ I ask cautiously.
He opens up his arms in response. I step forward and they close around me, washing my worries away. My heart constricts as I rest my cheek against his chest. I feel so bad for hurting him. I breathe in deeply, trying to feel better again, but the scent I pick up is not from his usual deodorant. I go rigid and then step backwards, breaking our contact.
‘What is it?’ He cocks his head at the look on my face.
‘Nothing,’ I say. ‘I’ll see you in the morning. Goodnight.’
‘Night,’ he calls after me as I walk into my room, shutting the door and pressing my back against it.
I know who he’s been with tonight. And I feel like I’m going to throw up.
I wait until Angus has left for work the following morning before venturing out of my room. I’m going to be late, but I’m handing in my notice anyway. The sooner I get out of this town, the better.
I can’t believe that Angus has been seeing Eliza. How could they betray me like this? How could they betray Phoebe? Her grave has barely even settled and they’re hopping into bed with one another.
Of everything Eliza has ever done, this is the worst.
A little voice inside my head reasons that whatever is going on between Angus and Eliza has nothing to do with me. But I shut it back down. It feels like a betrayal. So it is a betrayal.
I’m not even upset about it. I’m angry.
‘Where have you been?’ Toby demands to know when I flounce into work forty-five minutes late.
‘I overslept,’ I reply, barely cracking a smile at the customer who walked in the door behind me.
He looks put out at the lack of remorse in my voice, but doesn’t pull me up on it while there are people around.
He corners me later when the lunchtime rush is over.
‘Spill,’ he says.
‘Angus and Eliza are having an affair,’ I hiss furiously, wiping down a table.
He looks stumped. ‘Are they with other people?’
‘No! They’re just together! Together!’
‘Is that technically an affair?’
I straighten up and glare at him. ‘Phoebe only died a year ago.’
He shakes his head, perplexed, and I feel a wave of nausea because he doesn’t understand.
‘I’m handing in my notice,’ I say flatly, reaching down to pick up a stack of plates.
His face falls as I turn towards the bakery.
‘My mum is giving me some money,’ I say over my shoulder. ‘I want to go travelling and I want to go as soon as possible.’
The door swings shut behind him. He’s followed me in here, but he’s speechless.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say. ‘I don’t want to let you down. I’ll work up until the end of the month so you’ll have time to find someone else.’
His stare hardens. ‘Whatever you want,’ he mutters, backing out of the bakery.
He barely looks at me for the rest of the day.
I don’t want to go home to Angus. I don’t want to see his face. So I tell Toby I’ll lock up and then head out the back.
I’m wrist-deep in dirt, planting orangey-red crocosmias when Gavin appears. I’m so lost in my thoughts that I nearly jump out of my skin when the back door bursts open.
‘Jesus Christ!’ he erupts. ‘It’s you! I thought it was a burglar scratching around out here.’
‘Sorry, I wanted to finish the garden.’
‘This going to be your legacy, eh?’ he says drily. ‘Toby told me you’re leaving us.’
‘Yeah, I’m afraid so.’ I turn away from him and reach for another plant.
‘We’ll be sorry to see you go,’ he says. ‘Him especially.’
‘He’ll be alright.’
I’m alarmed when Gavin comes outside and perches on the edge of the planter box. I don’t want company.
‘I think you underestimate yourself,’ he says. ‘He needs you more than you realise.’
‘Look, I can’t be his mother! He already has one!’
Gavin’s face turns puce and adrenalin makes my pulse race with the knowledge that I’ve overstepped the mark. But his colour fades back to normal almost instantly and he speaks before I can.
‘If that’s how you see it, there’s nothing I can say to change your mind.’ He gets to his feet. ‘I’ll stick a notice up in the window this evening, advertising for a replacement. You can leave as soon as we have one.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I blurt as he turns to go back inside.
‘You’ve got nothing to be sorry for, Rose. I’m glad we had you for as long as we did.’
Then why do I feel so goddamn awful?
I go home soon afterwards, and I find myself hoping that Angus is out, even if that means he’s with Eliza. Unfortunately, I hear the telly on as I come through the door.
‘Hey,’ he calls over his shoulder from his position on the living-room sofa. ‘Where have you been? There’s some pasta on the hob if you want to warm it up.’
‘I’m not hungry,’ I reply, opening the door to my bedroom.
‘Rose?’ he calls after me, confused. ‘Are you okay?’
‘I’m just tired. I’m going to go straight to bed.’ I close my bedroom door behind me and lock it, without waiting for his response. Then I sit on the bed, reaching under the covers and pulling out the navy and yellow journal belonging to my sister.
Of course I still have it.
I may have let Angus take back Phoebe’s clothes last night, but he wasn’t getting this.
There’s no padlock. Phoebe trusted Angus and there was no need to try to keep him out. The same can’t be said for me.
I kick off my shoes and lie back on my pillows, opening it up to the first page.
Another year, another diary! she writes, and I can almost hear her bubbly voice speaking aloud to me.
It’s going to be a crazy twelve months! Marriage, moving back to Manchester and who knows what else?
My eyes mist over and I smile through my tears. She’s not gone after all. She’s still here with me.