Chapter 36
Rose
I feel shattered but also strangely light-hearted as I climb the stairs on Sunday evening, opening the door and expecting to see Angus sitting in his usual place on the sofa. But the lights are off, and he comes out of his bedroom as I pull the door shut behind me.
‘Hey,’ I say. He looks exhausted and a little tense.
‘How did it go?’ he asks.
‘Good,’ I reply, indicating the living room. He follows me through, collapsing on the sofa and putting his bare feet up on the coffee table. His arms are folded over his chest protectively.
He barely meets my eyes, staring at his feet as I fill him in.
I’m too scared to tell him that I have Phoebe’s diary. I can’t risk him taking it away from me.
He sighs heavily when I’ve finished. ‘I really didn’t want to have to talk to him.’
‘Who?’
‘Remy,’ he says.
Gosh. No, that wouldn’t be fun. ‘Do you have contact details for him?’ I ask hesitantly.
‘I know which tour company he works for. I thought that one day I might want to hear about Phoebe’s final moments.’ He looks pained, but he holds it together. It’s more than can be said for me. He passes me a tissue and flashes me a sad smile, then he re-crosses his arms over his chest.
‘And you haven’t wanted to speak to him until now?’
‘I don’t want to speak to him now, either,’ he replies in a low voice. ‘Even less so, after hearing what Josie said. But I really want to move on from this.’
I have a sudden moment of clarity. He wants to put it to rest because of Eliza.
I experience a pang, but not of jealousy. I feel for him. And I feel for her.
‘Don’t you think you should call Eliza?’ I ask carefully.
‘I don’t know,’ he replies quietly and I notice the muscles on his arms flexing as he increases his grip on his elbows. ‘I thought she might need some space. I thought I might need some, too, to be honest. It’s been a rough few days.’
I shift uneasily. Some of that is down to me going through Phoebe’s things. ‘Isn’t it her gig on Friday night?’ I ask.
His eyes widen and he sits forward tiredly, placing his feet on the floor. ‘That had completely slipped my mind,’ he says, dragging his hand over his mouth.
‘We have to go,’ I tell him.
He glances at me. ‘You too?’
I shrug. ‘Why not? I go to gigs now.’
He shakes his head good-naturedly and I smirk.
‘Come on, Gus, it’s going to be okay, you know. You and Eliza have only just got started. Properly, I mean. I know you had a thing ten years ago.’
He doesn’t deny it or try to explain.
‘I’m just not sure she’ll ever be able to get over her guilt about Phoebe.’ He sounds so jaded. I get up and go to sit next to him.
‘She will. It’ll just take time,’ I say, running my hand up and down his back soothingly.
‘She doesn’t believe Phoebe would have ever been okay with her and me. Eliza has always been utterly black and white about it. I was with Phoebe first, so she always said I was Phoebe’s and could never be hers.’
He’s never spoken to me so openly before about my sisters. We’ve never had that sort of relationship. I’m not sure I like it, but I continue rubbing his back, encouraging him to go on.
‘Phoebe and I had just broken up when Eliza and I kissed, but that didn’t stop Eliza from freaking out. She wouldn’t see me or speak to me. She was really upset when I told her what happened between you and me.’
My hand on his back freezes. A moment later I let it drop to my lap, too uncomfortable to touch him now. He stays hunched forward, talking to me over his shoulder, but not expecting me to make eye contact. It’s a small relief.
‘The awful thing was, literally the night before, I’d told her I thought you were all so different.’ He laughs unhappily. ‘Then I fucked up at that party by kissing you.’
‘You were drunk.’ I try to sound reasonable, but I feel mortified that we’re having this conversation at all. ‘And I didn’t exactly stop you,’ I add, squirming in my seat.
To my dismay, he turns to look at me properly, a curious expression on his face. ‘No, you didn’t, did you?’ he says. ‘Not at first. You did eventually.’
‘I came to my senses,’ I say. ‘Oh God, Angus.’ I bury my burning face in my hands. ‘I might’ve had a bit of a crush on you too.’
‘Did you?’ He reels backwards with astonishment.
I peek at him through my fingers. ‘This is so embarrassing.’
He looks bemused. ‘What the hell? Why?’
‘I don’t know,’ I say, shrugging helplessly. ‘Let’s just say that there were many times when I wished you were a triplet, too.’
I giggle and with my amusement as permission, he cracks up laughing and falls back onto the sofa.
The next morning, I’m still feeling reasonably cheerful when I go into work, but the look on Toby’s face when I walk through the door takes some of the edge off.
‘Morning,’ he says grumpily.
‘What’s up with you?’ I ask him outright.
‘Nothing,’ he replies.
The cupcakes on the counter divert my attention. They’re beautifully decorated with icing all of the colours of the rainbow.
‘Wait, did your—’
‘Mum baked them,’ he completes my sentence.
‘Wow! She’s feeling a bit better, then?’ I ask with delight.
‘I guess so,’ he mutters, pushing through the door to the bakery.
I stare after him, but a customer arrives so I have to focus on attending to them.
As soon as there’s a break in our customer traffic, I peek into the bakery, but Toby is nowhere to be seen. I don’t want to leave the shop floor unattended so I go to the windows at the back and wrench one of them open.
‘Oi!’ I exclaim with annoyance at the sight of him perched on the bench seat, an almost burnt-out fag in his right hand.
He puts the butt to his lips and inhales deeply, glaring at me through a wisp of smoke.
‘I thought you’d quit?’
He throws the butt down and grinds his heel onto it as he exhales.
‘Why should you care?’ he mutters, sounding like a teenager.
‘Oh, grow up, Toby,’ I snap, closing the window again.
I’m expecting him to be in a mood for ages, so I’m surprised when he apologises on his return.
‘Sorry,’ he says in my ear, touching his hand on my arm. He lets go and leans up against the counter.
‘It’s okay,’ I reply, still a little put out.
‘Dad’s found a replacement for you,’ he tells me quietly.
I glance at him with surprise. ‘Has he? That was quick.’
‘She’s a single mum and she asked if she can start as soon as possible. He told her she could come in a week from today.’ He stares at me despondently.
‘Oh.’ I’m shocked. ‘That’s so soon. So he wants me to finish on Friday?’
He nods slowly, meaningfully.
‘Wow. Guess I’d better get on with sorting out my train ticket, then. No time like the present, hey?’
He leans forward and I start in surprise as his hand finds mine.
‘I’m going to miss you.’
‘I’m going to miss you, too,’ I reply, meeting his dark-eyed stare. The door whooshes open and he sighs, dropping my hand as he straightens up. ‘What can I get for you?’ he asks the customer.
An idea occurs to me during the day, but it’s not until I’m standing on the pavement and Toby is locking up that I pluck up the courage to ask him.
‘Will you come to Eliza’s gig with me on Friday night?’ I shift on my feet. ‘I was thinking it could be sort of like my leaving do.’
‘Sure,’ he replies casually, making me wonder why I didn’t ask earlier. He shoves his keys into his jeans pocket. ‘Have you sorted things out with her, then?’ he asks.
‘We’re moving in the right direction,’ I reply, telling him about our trip to London. Before I know it, we’re halfway to Angus’s and have passed the turning to his house.
‘Erm, has your dad mentioned anything to you about a conversation we had?’ I ask edgily, remembering what I said to Gavin.
Toby raises an inquisitive eyebrow. ‘No? What about?’
‘I sort of told him that you’d like to go travelling, but you didn’t want to leave him with so much to deal with.’
His shoulders slump. ‘Rose!’
‘Sorry!’ I exclaim. ‘It just sort of came out! He wasn’t angry, though. He just said you’d better get saving.’
He shakes his head at me, but he’s not annoyed. ‘I’ve been saving for a car for ages,’ he reveals.
‘Can you drive?’ I ask with surprise.
‘Of course I can bloody drive,’ he exclaims.
‘Sorry, it’s just that I only usually see you on a skateboard.’
‘Dad would let me borrow his car, but I never damn well go anywhere, do I? Christ.’ He shakes his head. ‘I really need to get a life.’
And I really need to sort out my travel plans.